Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
Friday, August 11, 3:53 P.M.
Madoc’s insides buzzed as he walked into Station 1 and damn if his nerves weren’t less about his final eval than they were about seeing Gus for the first time in days.
You asked for space.
Yes, Madoc had. He’d been so certain some chill out time would do everyone good after Tuesday night’s drama. He just hadn’t considered what it would be like for Gus to go dark. How Valerie would perceive her friend’s abrupt absence or how unsettled Madoc would feel himself when the messages in their shared thread remained largely unanswered. Signs that Gus might be very pissed off over the way Madoc had handled things but was choosing to hide it.
Thankfully, Madoc had a whole shift ahead of him to fix things with his partner and would start right after his eval. He paused when he saw the crowd in the canteen though, firefighters from next door mixed in among office staff and a healthy number from the EMS crews.
“Walters!” Lucky Guzman from Station 4 waved Madoc over to where he stood with Amaya Monroe and a trio of firefighters. “Come eat some of this!”
Madoc spotted a massive sheet cake on the table then, and a banner hung on the wall congratulating Bobby Stark on his retirement.
Whoa.
“When did that happen?” Madoc asked when he’d gotten close.
“Tuesday, after shift.” Guzman grinned. “I ran into Bobby on my way in today and the dude actually hugged me.”
“He did the same to me,” said Monroe with a laugh. “Would have hugged Gus too, if Gus hadn’t had both arms full of cake.”
One of the firefighters handed his plate to Guzman. “Where is the birthday boy, anyway?”
“In the office with Liv and Connor and the commanders,” Guzman replied. He glanced Madoc’s way, then gestured to the cake with the pastry server. “You want a piece? Gus’s mom baked it and the frosting is psychotically good.”
Madoc blinked, struggling to parse the onslaught of information, then shot Guzman a quick grin. “No, thanks. I have a meeting with the commanders too, and I don’t want to go in there with chocolate all over my face.”
He made his excuses and headed for the office, his brain still racing. Was today Gus’s birthday? And why were Guzman and Monroe here instead of at Station 4? Did Bobby Stark have an actual retirement date on the books? Because if his spot on P1 was about to be open, that meant Gus would be?—
“Walters, thank you for coming in early.”
Madoc nodded to Commander Rivas, who was seated behind the desk in the office with a small crowd of white-shirted crew around her, including Commander Marcel, Connor, Olivia, and Gus. Who was clad like the others in a uniform shirt that was white instead of his usual tropical beige. Was dressed like an officer, actually, complete with a badge and EMS pins on his collar that were gold and not silver.
What the hell?
Madoc blinked once at his partner before looking back to Rivas. “Of course, ma’am,” he said. “Would you like me to come back in a minute?”
“That won’t be necessary,” Rivas replied, waving him in. “We were just wrapping up.”
The others began to file out as Madoc crossed the threshold, and he exchanged quick smiles with Olivia and Connor before locking eyes with Gus. There was no time to speak in the two seconds it took for Gus to walk past, but he aimed a small smile at Madoc before stepping out into the hall, and there was a fondness in his gaze that hit Madoc square in the chest.
What the fuck is going on?
Madoc was still asking himself the same question ten minutes later, though his reasons were very different and far more exciting. Not surprising when he’d walked into this office expecting to graduate from Academy recruit to active duty and was about to step out with a promotion to paramedic and a spanking new assignment on Ambulance P1.
“I realize this is all unexpected,” Rivas said once the handshakes and congratulations were over. “If you’d prefer to sleep on it and consider it further, please know you can.”
“I don’t need time to consider, ma’am,” Madoc replied, trying hard not to flail. “I’m happy to accept the promotion and the spot on P1. Thrilled, if I’m honest.”
Commander Marcel nodded, looking pleased. “Good. You still have some hours left to complete for your field internship, so you’ll shadow Bobby Stark aboard P1 for the next several weeks, and you can go ahead and make the switch to the medic shirts and patches in the meantime.”
The station’s alarm sounded, the dispatcher’s voice quickly following.
“Boston P1, pregnant female with complications in labor at 3143 Melrose Street. 24-D-5, patient is thirty-two years of age, history of high blood pressure. Contractions ten minutes apart, delivery not imminent at this time. Although traffic’s gonna be murder in and out of Back Bay,” he added, “so you might want to step on it.”
Marcel grinned at Madoc. “That’s your cue, Walters,” he said. “And I’d run if you want to make it onto your new truck.”
Madoc hauled ass into the garage just as Stark climbed aboard P1 through the rear door.
“Let’s go, Walt!” Stark yelled with a grin. “You’re up to drive after Connor!”
“My name is not Walt!” Madoc called back out of reflex, but he was laughing as he got himself settled in the passenger seat.
He felt … incredible. Almost high he was so pumped full of good feelings. He was graduating. Had gotten the promotion he’d wanted and would start making more pay. Madoc had the spot on P1 too, and shit, even his shifts were the same because he’d still be working the same nights. All of which had to make him one of the luckiest guys in the city and holy cats, he couldn’t wait to tell Gus.
Who couldn’t be Madoc’s partner if Connor was still riding P1. The truck Gus’d always insisted would someday be his.
But if Gus wasn’t aboard the Advanced Life Support truck at Station 1, where the fuck was he?
Heart stuttering weirdly, Madoc shot a look to Ambulance A1. Guzman was at the driver’s side, the Toughbook in hand while Monroe spoke into her phone, their presence at Station 1 suddenly clear.
Madoc looked over to Connor who was pulling out past the garage’s open doors. “Are they taking over A1?”
“Yup.” Connor grinned at him before turning his eyes onto the street ahead. “And hey, congrats on your promotion, man! You must be so stoked.”
“I am!” Madoc’s own laugh surprised him. “Kinda shook, like the kids say, because how is this real?”
Chuckling, Connor guided the truck right. “I get it. The first week after promotions is always bananas with people shifting around to new posts. I think Station 1 got the most this cycle, what with Stark leaving, you moving over to P1, and Guzman and Monroe transferring in now that Liv and Gus have moved on.”
“Don’t talk like I’m not sitting right here, you bum,” Stark called from the cabin. “Same place I’ll be for the next month and a half until I can retire for real and chill full-time on the beach with a cerveza .”
Madoc chewed the inside of his cheek, his head spinning with questions. Gus had moved on? But to where? And to do what?
How long had changes this big been in the pipeline?
And why the fuck hadn’t Gus told Madoc about any of it?
Chatting with Connor and Stark over the course of the shift brought Madoc some answers. Namely, that Gus had indeed been promoted to paramedic and to lieutenant. That he’d transferred into the Rapid Response Unit where, along with Olivia, he’d help add Squad cars to the city’s EMS fleet.
Madoc was so damned proud of his friend. But a hollow feeling settled over him as he changed into his street clothes after shift. People came and went all the time on the crews of course, new recruits joining up and veterans retiring while promotions and transfers kept it all interesting. Seeing Amaya Monroe’s name on Gus’s locker still stung, as did knowing the empty corner that had once held Princess Lemonade’s box-slash-bed would remain so.
That was the moment things got real for Madoc. When he knew Super Gus Dawson really wasn’t coming back to Station 1, because he’d taken his kitty with him.
You up?
Blearily, Gus eyed the message on his phone’s screen. ‘Up’ felt like a relative term considering he’d lost count of the hours he’d been awake. But he didn’t want to put this talk off when Madoc deserved better than to be low-key ghosted because Gus’d grown a whole bunch of complicated feelings.
Lemonade plopped her bum and her banana down on the couch cushion among the piles of laundry Gus had been folding, her orange eyes oddly intense.
“Dial back your judging,” Gus muttered, “and quit being creepy.”
He shot a message off to Madoc, then zipped around in his chair, putting laundry away and tidying up. He was setting out fresh water for the cat when the buzzer sounded and then Madoc was there at his door, bearing a tray of coffees and a paper bag of food, looking so fucking gorgeous it was torture not dragging him down for a kiss.
But no, that would make everything that had to follow even more difficult, so Gus invited his friend in, and they headed to the kitchen while he tried to figure out where to begin. Madoc beat Gus to it, however, speaking before Gus’d even gotten the tray of coffees from his lap to the counter.
“Con told me you were switching to days,” Madoc said. “When does that start?”
Gus handed Madoc his mug. “Tomorrow. Liv and I have some training to get through with the Squad cars, and our official start is on Monday.”
Warmth filled Madoc’s expression. “I’m so proud of you, Gus. And my mind is blown too. Like, who gets a double promotion?”
“Well, there’s you,” Gus said with a playful roll of his eyes. “The board fast-tracked your promotion before you even graduated, Madoc, and that almost never happens. So, congratulations to you.”
“Thanks.” Madoc’s cheeks flushed pink. “Still not sure I believe it’s all real.”
Gus got stuck for a second staring and had to turn himself toward the cabinets to snap himself out of it. Using the counter, he levered himself up so he could get a plate for their food. “What does Val think about her daddy’s promotion?”
“I haven’t told her yet, but I will today when I pick her up from camp.” There was a slight pause before Madoc added, “About yours too, if you’re cool with it?”
“Sure.” Gus arranged the granola snacks and muffins Madoc had brought with him on the plate. “I know I’ll need to explain why I won’t be around, now that my job and schedule are changing.”
“About that,” Madoc said, his voice sober like his expression when Gus looked his way. “Why didn’t you tell me? About the promotion and wanting to leave Station 1? Obviously, the Squad car gig sounds fantastic, but I really thought you wanted to ride on P1.”
“I did. Never even considered transferring out until Tuesday night. I went from your place to pick up Lemonade,” Gus said as he got himself back into his chair. “Rivas and Marcel called me in, told me about the promotion, then said I had a choice if I wanted it—Stark’s spot on P1 or a Squad car.”
“And you decided to switch, just like that?”
“I think you know better. I told them I needed a few days to mull everything over, and then I did exactly that. But I had orders not to talk about it with the crews, so I went over it with my fam and some friends, again and again until I felt good.”
“You could have gone over it with me.” Pain flashed over Madoc’s face. “Orders or not, I thought … Listen, I know shit got weird Tuesday night?—”
“You told me to back off.”
“I asked you to give Val space for a couple of days , not disappear off the map. God, Gus, I was starting to worry.”
Remorse pricked at Gus. “I didn’t mean for you to do that. The truth is that you were the first person I wanted to tell about the promotion and the new job.”
“So why didn’t you? I’m your friend, aren’t I? You should feel like you can tell me anything.”
“I don’t, though.” Gus shifted his gaze to his lap. “Not after the other night.”
“Because of what happened with Tarek? I know he made you feel shitty?—”
“So did you.” Gus looked at Madoc again. “I understand Tarek is your family, but I wouldn’t let anyone speak to you the way he did to me. I’d step up for you and your girl every time you needed me to just like I did Tuesday night. That’s what I was doing, Madoc—looking out for Val because she needed someone in her corner when Tarek was acting the fool.” Heat flashed over Gus’s face. “I do not use your daughter to score points with anyone and I’m honestly irate that you’d ever think that of me.”
“I don’t.” Madoc grimaced. “I’ve never thought that of you, I swear, and I’d take it back if I could. I’m sorry, Gus.”
Gus bit his lip. It helped, hearing that. But it also didn’t change anything.
“Will you let me make it up to you?” Madoc asked. “We could do a birthday thing with Val, because you know she’ll want to be part of it.”
“My birthday was yesterday. That’s why I went out to the Cape with my fam,” Gus said. “I was going to ask you and Val to join us, but you had the NHL cruise.”
He’d braced himself for the shock that flashed over Madoc’s face, but it was still bruising to see it. To know that Gus simply wanting to bring the Walters along on a family outing freaked Madoc out.
“Uh. Well.” Madoc cleared his throat. “Val and I can still celebrate with you over the weekend. And Clea will have Val during the day, so I can come over and see you in private.”
The hope in Madoc’s eyes pricked at Gus’s heart. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Mad,” he said softly. “Not anymore.”
Madoc looked troubled as he took a step closer. “What do you mean?”
Gus opened his mouth and shut it again, his resolve wavering. He could make something up and hold tight to what he already had. Keep loving this man and hope Madoc learned to feel something more than friendship back. Continue gambling with his own happiness. Then Gus’s eye landed on the heart-shaped suncatcher Valerie had made that was still taped to the window and he remembered he wasn’t the only one who stood to lose big when things inevitably went to shit between Madoc and him.
Reaching out, Gus ran his fingers across Madoc’s knuckles, chest twisting when Madoc immediately turned his wrist and caught Gus’s hand in his own.
“What are we doing here?” Gus twined their fingers together. “You and me, this thing we have going?”
Madoc stayed silent for several seconds. But then he got down on the floor beside Gus’s chair, still hanging on to Gus’s hand.
“I don’t know,” he said, sounding earnest. “I’ve never known what to call what we have or even if we needed to call it anything. I just know I like being with you.”
Gus breathed through the ache building inside him. He didn’t put much stock in labels himself. And he had no doubt Madoc cared about him. But while Gus’d been falling in love this summer, Madoc had not, and Gus knew he couldn’t be truly happy if the most Madoc wanted with him was screwing around in secret.
“I like being with you, too,” Gus said. “But I don’t want to be a guy you spend time with until someone else comes along.”
“That’s not …” Madoc frowned. “I haven’t been looking to meet anyone. You know I’m not ready for dating.”
“I do.” Gus’s attempt at a smile fell flat. “Hooking up with me was just for fun and good times. But I want more than hookups. I want something real.”
“Meaning what, exactly?”
“A life with someone. Partner and kids. Family. I’d want that with you if I thought you’d have me.”
Madoc blanched. “Fuck. I’m not … I can’t be someone’s boyfriend. I’m not ready for that with anyone, male or female, and neither is Val. Christ, she and I are still working on understanding how I do my single dad thing now that Noelene’s fully out of the picture.”
“I understand. But I can’t help what I want.”
Raising his free hand to his chest, Gus rubbed his knuckles over his sternum. Funny how he ached there, despite his ribs having healed.
“You know Ian and I didn’t want kids at first and that something changed after my accident. I was the one who changed. Who decided they wanted more than just career and partner and friends. Ian tried to get his head around it, he really did. But he couldn’t and it pushed us further apart until we broke.”
“Shit.”
“Exactly.” Gus huffed a laugh that caught in his throat. “I thought things would be different with Ben. But now I know he was good at telling me what I wanted to hear, and I was good at letting him do it. I don’t know what Ben really wants, but he doesn’t give a shit about starting a family. If he did, he wouldn’t have stolen the money I was saving to help us get started doing it.”
Madoc’s face fell. “Meaning adoption or surrogacy,” he murmured, not truly asking, though Gus nodded anyway. “Oh, Gus. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. It’s my fault I didn’t see Ben for what he was. I see you though, and I like you so much. But to you, I’m just someone you fuck.”
“That is not how I see you.”
“Yes, it is.” Gus drew an unsteady breath. “We’re friends and partners and I’m happy we have that. But I think of you as so much more and you don’t feel the same way. And I know it because having to lie and sneak around to see each other doesn’t bother you the way it does me.”
“Hey, I don’t like it,” Madoc protested. “But I’m not sure what you’re asking for here when I already told you I’m not ready for more.”
“I’m asking for space. I can’t hide the way you do, Madoc, because I suck at it and the longer we do this, the easier it’s going to be for people to guess that I’ve got a thing for you. Tarek guessed and so have my parents.”
Madoc’s eyes went painfully wide. “Your parents ? What did they say?”
“Not much. Just that they could tell from the way I was acting that one time they met you and Val.”
“Oh, God. What a mess.”
Hurt flared in Gus’s chest. “Is it really so bad if a few people know? Connor and Liv wouldn’t care, especially now that I’m not your supervisor and we’re not even in the same unit.”
“Hold up.” Madoc recoiled, dropping Gus’s hand like he’d been burned. “Please tell me you didn’t take the job in Rapid Response so we can screw around without you getting in trouble!”
The words hit Gus like a punch.
“No. I took that job for me,” he said quietly, his empty hand cold. “But I’m done keeping secrets.”
“There isn’t a deadline. You’ve said that over and over.” Madoc’s voice came out thick. “That I’d know when I was ready to come out and that you had my back!”
“I do have your back. I’m not going to force you to do things you’re not ready for and I would never, ever out you.” Hearing the edge in his own voice, Gus took a beat to calm himself. “This isn’t an ultimatum. This is me taking care of myself and making sure Val is all right too.”
“Don’t you do that,” Madoc bit out. “You want to give me shit fine but do not drag my kid into this.”
The mournful ache in Gus’s chest turned cavernous. ‘My kid’, not ‘ours.’ Because Valerie wasn’t Gus’s child and Madoc wasn’t his man, no matter what Gus’s stubborn heart wanted.
“Love isn’t an emotion you can make someone feel.”
“I wish I could leave Val out of it,” Gus murmured. “But I can’t because she’s become such a big part of this. I didn’t fall only for you—I fell for your girl, just as hard.”
The color drained from Madoc’s face. “Gus.”
“I know how stupid that sounds. All I had to do was show up to kid-sit until you didn’t need me anymore, easy peasy, lemon squeezy.” Gus studied his hands in his lap. “Except, I liked it. Playing house and feeling like I had a place with you and Val. When you still wanted me around even after Tarek came back, I started thinking that you and I could have something real. But we can’t.”
Gus had to pause because his stupid tears were making his voice wobble. Lemonade appeared as if by magic, leaping into his lap, and Gus buried his fingers in her fur.
“I can’t be the guy you make time for when no one is looking. My feelings are bigger than screwing around and I want to be important to you and Val the way you are to me.”
“You are important.” Madoc looked even more stricken, no doubt because Gus was fucking crying. “You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. And Val?—”
“Is getting attached, the same way I am,” Gus said, quickly swiping at his eyes. “I get that you’re not ready for more, but your kid feels differently.”
“I want to keep you.”
Valerie wanted Gus in her life as a parent-y kind of person, maybe almost like a dad. And Gus had to bite his lip hard to keep his composure.
“Val wants things from me that she doesn’t even know are impossible.” Looking up, he blinked past new tears. “And it isn’t fair to her or me to let her keep believing she’ll get them someday when we both know she won’t.”
Pain filled Madoc’s face, raw and so real. “You’re right. I should have seen this coming and stopped it and I’m … shit. I’m sorry.”
“So am I. I know you don’t need this emo shit in your life.”
“Oh, fuck it, I’ll be okay.” Madoc ran a hand over his head, mussing his curls, regret written clear on his face. “But Val … I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to her. She misses you. And I don’t want her thinking this is her fault.”
“Neither do I. Maybe I could meet up with her and Clea after work one night every couple of weeks?” Abruptly, Gus recalled the concern he’d glimpsed in his pop’s face during their talk on the causeway and he shoved it aside. “For dinner or to watch baking shows, that kind of thing, maybe a playdate with the cat. That way, Val doesn’t get any ideas in her head about why I’m not around, but I can give her enough distance that she won’t expect me to be more than a friend.”
Nodding slowly, Madoc stared at his knees. “I think that would work. Let me talk to Clea and see what nights would be better.”
He got to his feet then, every angle of his body broadcasting a ‘don’t touch me’ vibe. But Gus knew Madoc well enough to guess the walls that’d gone up were about self-preservation rather than anger, which made a heartbreaking kind of sense when too many people Madoc had cared about had turned their backs on him.
“Hey, Mad?” Gus stopped his chair beside the front door and waited for Madoc to look at him. “I’ve still got your back, just like always. If you need anything, I’m here for you.”
The color that stained Madoc’s cheeks had Gus aching to hug him.
“Thanks for saying that.” Madoc slid his hands in his pockets. “I meant it when I said you’re one of my best friends. Maybe it’s selfish, but I don’t want to lose that.”
Gus shook his head. “Not selfish,” he said, “and you won’t lose me as a friend. Just give me some time to get my head together so I know how to be that for you.”
“Of course,” Madoc said quietly. “Take all the time you need.”
They exchanged almost smiles before Madoc opened the door and slipped out. And though it hurt like hell to watch him go, Gus did it anyway, knowing it was the right choice for both of them.