Chapter 24 #2
Patty’s comment echoes again between the creaks of the steps, but Charles tamps it back into the niche in his stomach. It would be inopportune to try to turn the tables now.
Loris disappears inside his flat, and Charles takes a moment to appreciate the chance he’s being given to make things right. Soon, his nerves might get the better of him, because he’s not sure how to do that.
After a couple of six-second inhalations, he walks in and finds the easel standing in the middle of the room. The drawing of the broken mirror in the ocean is on display, more remarkable than Charles could have ever imagined.
‘When did you complete it?!’
‘Ten minutes before I left to meet you.’
‘It’s incredible!’
‘I know.’ Loris tosses the deli bag and his jacket onto his desk. ‘Care to shed light on something that’s a scoop?’
‘Yes, sorry… I’m so sorry, you know? And yes… It’s… In summary, Elsy and I broke up years ago, but to make our lives easier, we never told anyone. And… to get that disclosure out of the way, we were still sleeping together on occasion. Before Christmas, that is! Since then, we haven’t.’
‘Because she was in America?’
‘No! You’re the reason why! In fact, we stopped long before she left, because I kept thinking of you when I kissed her. It was disturbing.’
‘Poor you.’ Loris rolls his eyes and sits on the edge of his bed. ‘I’m gonna get another disclosure out of the way. I couldn’t care less if you slept with all your exes. It’s not the problem.’
‘Ouch.’ Charles balls up his coat against his chest to maul the fabric and spare his cuticles.
‘Okay, that’s inaccurate. I would care a lot. Quiches aren’t the only things I don’t like sharing. But we haven’t set any rules so I would have no right to be a pain about it. The problem is that it never came up. You talked about Elsy many times, you had every opportunity to tell me the truth.’
‘But I could share another truth with you! The actual truth. I can count on one hand the people who know that I’m not dating Elsy anymore.
I’m lying to my friends and I hate it. It’s like a fake skin that makes me want to scratch until I bleed.
But with you, I didn’t have to wear it. And it’s so ridiculous, I was a bit ashamed of that situation.
And then, when it became relevant, it didn’t cross my mind, because I never contemplated putting that skin back on.
I didn’t contemplate the consequences of that decision either.
Elsy was away so I swept that under the rug.
Tomorrow, I was going to talk to her and explain why we’re over, and so…
perhaps it would have remained useless to risk wearing you down with my heavy baggage. ’
‘So you were never gonna tell me?’
‘I don’t know…’ Charles throws his coat onto the sofa and walks to the bed.
‘But what’s certain is that I wouldn’t have pretended to date Elsy behind your back.
Please, don’t read anything into the terrible way I handled this.
’ Now between Loris’ thighs, he cups his face with his hands.
‘I want to be your quiche and yours only.’
Loris pushes him back to get up. ‘You’re not irresistibly handsome at the moment.’ He stomps to his case of pencils, open on the coffee table, and crouches behind it. ‘So, how does it work? Your fake-dating arrangement? And why do you even have one?’
Charles takes a deep breath, staring at his broken portrait on the easel. ‘Because Elsy ditched me the week of my grandfather’s birthday party.’
He explains how she agreed to be his date for one more weekend, the social pressure they suffered during the event and the pact they signed with a hug by the river.
He briefly covers the routine they fell into and their different stratagems. He mentions Elsy’s numerous affairs and how he was content to wait for her to be available.
He tries to emphasise concrete occasions when it truly helped, but none of them seem to convince Loris, who’s undertaken a full reorganisation of his pencils.
Whenever Charles glances at him, he meets dismissive scepticism, which is jarring and gradually irritating.
So instead of moving on to why the secret had become a millstone, Charles decides against adding more fuel to Loris’ disapproving flames.
‘There, you know everything.’
Loris hauls himself back up. ‘That was a ridiculous idea.’
‘Yes, I believe I said so. I’m well aware. Keep the bitching for your tête-à-tête with George. If that ever happens…’
‘Uh?’
Charles edges towards the easel. Loris’ piece is truly extraordinary. Ready to be photographed and uploaded to Instagram. And perhaps soon to be shipped to France with all his belongings.
‘Are you mad now? Charles?’
‘I’ve known you more accepting of my shitshow of a life.’
‘Watching a woman smooch with the guy I like tends to affect my understanding.’
Loris is approaching, but Charles pictures him carried away by the waves in the drawing.
‘Listen, I know being a Ledwell is complicated, but why—’
‘When will you leave London?’
‘What?’
‘Patty said… She implied that your plan is to leave London.’
Loris blinks a few times. ‘How is that related to our conversation?’
‘You’re putting me on trial for withholding information. Isn’t it a bit hypocritical?’
‘It’s not the same thing!’
‘Answer me so I can assess that…’
Loris averts his eyes, and his reluctance to reply cracks Charles’ heart in more pieces than the mirror in the drawing.
‘Of course, take a minute, I’m having a blast here.’
‘My plan is… to leave London in May.’
‘Next year?’
‘No…’
‘Right. In three months. Great. Excellent.’ Charles starts laughing maniacally. ‘Indeed, it’s not the same thing as my secret, it’s way worse!’
‘It’s not!’
‘Don’t you think it’s more relevant to our relationship?’
‘For the time being, no! You fake dating your ex is a now problem. May is forever away, anything can happen, so no need to—’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Nothing! Just what it means! Three months ago, I barely cared that you were straight. Tonight, the thought you could be for someone made me want to burn the town down. That’s how fast things are evolving, so there’s no point in predicting. We’d risk ruining what we’re building.’
‘Well, congrats, Loris! I’m very pleased you’re able to carpe diem your life. Personally, I would have appreciated a heads-up about our expiration date before… Before I…’
Charles brings his fist to his mouth, the shards of his heart crawling their way up his throat.
‘Before what?’ Loris grabs his arm. ‘I don’t think I misled you into making any decisions you’ll regret. You said it yourself, it’s your journey, it’s about you. So what would you have done differently if you knew—’
‘Have you gone a bit dense or are you pretending to be?’ Charles wriggles away. ‘I meant before I fully embraced being in love with you! Isn’t that the tiniest bit about you, dimwit?’
Loris’ hand freezes halfway through a new attempt at touching him, and Charles thwacks it aside, angry beyond reason – his reason gone with the possibility that Patty was losing her marbles.
‘Why do I even need to say it? And how dare you act like I’m the one overreacting now? Like it’s not completely obvious that losing you is something I’ll need years to prepare for? Don’t you know who you’re dealing with?’
‘You’re not—’
‘And yes, you misled me! Not into falling for you. No, that’s on me.
It’s not your fault there was a hole the exact shape of you in my chest. But then, you threw meaningful statements at me.
And projects. You made me believe it was safe for the space you take up to expand and expand, so much that…
how will I function if you leave it empty? ’
‘I’m not gonna—’
‘Patty’s right! You can’t make yourself indispensable and move on. You can’t leave! Or you should have warned me too. From the start! “Here’s your grenadine, twat. By the way, I’m everything you didn’t know you needed, but I’ll be gone in May.” You should have—’
‘For the love of Pavel, shut up!’
‘—told me— No, I won’t shut up!’
Charles’ heart is freewheeling out of his mouth, he can’t and doesn’t want to hit the brakes, but Loris muzzles him with his palm.
‘Patty is my boss and my landlady, I had to warn her. Plus, I wanted to lower her expectations, because my future doesn’t involve running the North Haven.
It involves… Well, nothing is set in stone, but my cousin is getting married in May.
I was never gonna spend more than three years in England, the timing matched, so I bought a one-way ticket to Paris.
I made that call when you had decided we were better off without each other, so I didn’t have to tell you about it.
Now, can I let you breathe? Are you done yelling your feelings at me? ’
Charles nods and covers Loris’ hand when it reaches his neck, to keep it there, counting on its warmth to fight the ice that his words are injecting him with.
‘I haven’t told my friends either. Call me selfish, but I don’t want the remainder of my London adventure to feel like an ending, like a series of last times.
Something Phoebe and Aliah would dramatically point out every day.
But it’s not why I didn’t tell you. It didn’t even cross my mind.
You think you’re the only one who can sweep problems under rugs?
Please! I patented the concept! So when you came back to me and…
we started a series of firsts, all I cared about was to increase your expectations for us.
That’s all I care about, still! And sure, it’s gonna become incompatible with my plans at some stage.
I know that, deep down under the rugs. I’m not stupid! ’
The ice is melting faster than it forms. Loris is all worked up – his skin flushed, his veins popping, his accent thicker than usual – and Charles is getting an abnormal kick out of it.