Chapter 36
CHAPTER 36
A NNIE
I spend several hours at Jack’s bedside on Sunday, willing him to be okay. He’s been on the breathing machine for two full days now. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to read the journal entries after October fourth, but I’ve decided this morning that I’m going to make myself read them when I get home later.
I’ve been home a few hours and I feel like I’ve delayed all I can. I sit down with a cup of hot cocoa and the dogs lying on either side of me and pick up the journal with shaking hands.
October 5?—
I just got home from meeting you at the diner. I feel at a loss for words, but I’m still going to try to “talk” to you. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before today… didn’t see that it felt like I left you, and how much that would hurt yo u. I promise you I’ll never leave you again, physically or emotionally, if I have a say in it. So, I’m writing as my way to stay connected to you even if you don’t know it. It’s going to kill me, but I’ll stop the texts and stop coming to the ER like you asked because I love you, Annie Brooks, with all my heart.
October 6 —
I didn’t think any day could be harder than yesterday but today is because it’s the first full day since you asked me not to contact you or come to the ER. I hope you’re okay. I miss you so much, sugar.
October 7 —
It’s a B shift again today. God, I want to pull Finn off the rig and go on medical calls, but I won’t because I don’t want to hurt you more. I love you so much, Annie. So, so much. The thought that I might never see your breathtaking smile aimed at me or hear your adorable laugh again hurts my chest.
October 8?—
I couldn’t sleep last night. The smell of you has faded from my pillows and I hate it. I can’t stand that I lost you. But I’m going to be the man you loved so that if you ever find your way back to me, I’m ready. Miss you so much, sweetness.
October 9 —
I was in the grocery store today and saw a woman I thought was you for a second and my heart skipped a beat. But when she turned and it wasn’t you, I felt deflated. I miss seeing your beautiful face, your eyes. Hell, I miss everything about you. You brought so much sunshine into my world every day.
October 10?—
Today was a hard day for me. It would have been Teddy’s birthday. I wish I could talk to you about how it feels. It hurts so much, Annie. I should have been honest with you from the start with what I was going through after we lost him. I’m truly sorry for that. I should have found a way.
October 11 —
I was at a hockey game tonight with Fitz and some guy a few seats over from us snapped at his wife. I thought, “What an asshole,” then realized that’s probably what I sounded like when I snapped at you on your balcony that day. Seeing the look on her face and her embarrassment at being talked to that way nearly broke me. I hate I was such a prick to you. You were the best thing in my life, and I treated you like that…
October 12 —
We had family dinner today and I hate that you weren’t there. I talked with Shayna a bit and she said she saw you at Spicy Girls book club last night. She says you’re doing “okay.” I want you to be better than okay, sweet girl. Even if I’m not what makes you happy anymore, I want you happy. It’s hard to think of you with someone else, but if that’s what would make you smile again, I can’t begrudge you that. I might go fucking crazy, but I wouldn’t begrudge you…
October 13 —
I love you, and I miss you. I always will.
October 14 —
Today has been rough. I miss you more today, for some reason. I miss everything about you. How smart you are, compassionate, caring, your laugh, your stubbornness. I miss your body, too. It’s been so long since I’ve kissed you, held you, fucked you, made love to you… I miss it all …
October 15 —
Ben and I met up at O’Riley’s today after he got off work. Don’t worry, I just had coffee. It was the first day I’ve been there since… since I lost you. I almost couldn’t go in; I had to force myself. Damn it, even there, everything reminds me of you… Where you were sitting when I first saw you, the dance floor. And when I left and saw the wall in the small alleyway that you were up against that one time. Shit, Annie, I’m wondering if this will ever get easier.
October 16 —
I’m sad today. What if this is really it? What if I’ve lost you forever? What if you move back to Columbus?
October 17 —
Please find your way back to me, Annie. Don’t give up on us… My prayer every night is for you to come back to me, but only if I’m what’s best for you. You only deserve the best in life.
October 18 —
Sugar, I feel like I’m going to love you until I die. I never want there to be someone else. The thought of it actually makes me feel physically ill. Please let me love you again… I swear I never meant to hurt you. I’d rather die than ever cause you another moment of pain.
I’m weeping by the time I get through all the entries. Then I start over at the beginning before falling asleep sometime in the night, clutching the journal as if my heart depends on it.
I arrive to Jack’s ICU room around five a.m. on Monday, wanting to sit with him for a few hours before the day starts. When I first enter the room, I sit quietly for several minutes just watching the machine breathe for him and the heart monitor tracing out the rhythm that assures me he’s alive. I’m only able to relax a little when I see his vital signs all appear okay.
I’m holding the journal, but not reading it. I don’t have to. It’s imprinted in my brain, seared into my heart.
I have a choice to make. Either I look past my fear and allow this man to love me, or I let my fear paralyze me and keep me from the soul-captivating love we had.
Hours pass and it’s time for me to head downstairs to the emergency room. I haven’t said a single word to Jack in the two hours I’ve been here today. I’ve just watched him and prayed that he will be okay.
I stand and slowly make my way to his bedside. I look at his beautiful face for a long moment, a single tear sliding down my cheek.
Seeing this strong, amazing, honorable man lying in the hospital bed, I know without a doubt the world will be a darker place if Jack doesn’t recover from this.
I lean down and place a single kiss on his cheek before whispering, “I love you, Jack. I never stopped. Please wake up… for us. Please come back to me.”
JACK
Annie, is that you? Did I just hear that right?
A sense of awareness, like trying to come out of sleep but not quite being able to, washes over me and I wrack my brain for memories. I don’t know where I am or how I got here. I just remember Annie’s face in a doorway, before it faded out. Am I dead? Is that why I can’t fully wake up? I can’t move anything, but I can think. At least that’s something.
Was that really her I just heard? Or is my brain playing tricks on me?
I’m sure it was her beautiful voice speaking to me, telling me the words I’ve been praying for—that she loves me and asking me to come back to me. To who we were together.
I will, Annie. I swear on all that is holy that, if I have any control over it, I will.
As time continues, I become more and more aware of my surroundings. Voices I don’t recognize fill the room. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m not dead.
I try to move my hands, but my wrists seem to be restrained. What the hell? Forcing my eyes open, though I meet resistance, I’m met with a vision that confuses me—a tube coming out of my mouth. I follow the length of it to a machine.
Then, like a wrecking ball, it all slams back into me and I recall everything .
The fire, the little boy, trouble breathing, being rushed into the ER, seeing Annie’s face just before everything faded…
“Jack? Can you hear me? It’s Dr. Robinson. You’re in the Burn ICU on a breathing machine. We’ve been lowering your sedation since around four this morning and we think we’re ready to get that tube out and let you breathe on your own.”
I make eye contact with him, blinking several times to bring him into focus. When I do, my mom and dad are standing behind him. My mom smiles from ear to ear and then turns to my dad, grabbing his arm.
“Honey, look. He knows we’re here!” she says.
“Are we all ready to go ahead?” Dr. Robinson asks, looking at the nurse, who nods.
I nod fervently as well, and Dr. Robinson lets out a chuckle.
“Okay, Jack, when I pull the tube, give me a good cough, and then when it’s out, I want you to say the words to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star , got it?” Dr Robinson asks as he’s preparing to remove my breathing tube.
I nod eagerly, smiling around the tube.
He counts down from three and then, thank God, pulls the tube out.
I give him a strong cough like the good patient that I am and start singing in a raspy voice, “Twinkle, twinkle, little star…”
The nurse, my doctor, the respiratory therapist, and my parents are all smiling and clapping.
It feels so good to have the tube out of my throat and to talk again.
My mom and dad both give me hugs, and my mom is crying happy tears.
When the medical staff leave the room, I turn to my mom and ask the question I’ve been dying to ask. “Mom, this might be a weird question, but… was Annie here this morning?”
I swear I heard her talking to me this morning, telling me she loved me, but I’m afraid it was the drugs making me hallucinate.
“Yes, honey. Annie’s been here sitting with you every day and she came this morning before work,” my mom answers, smiling.
ANNIE
This hellish day in the ER is finally ending for me, so I grab my things and head up to see Jack for the first time since I got in this morning. Shit, I should probably run home and let the dogs out first. Maybe I’ll text Julie quickly and see if she or Dan could let them out for me.
Me: Hey, Jules, I want to run up to the ICU to see Jack. Are you able to let the babies out for a few minutes so I don’t have to rush home?
Julie: No problem! I can feed them, too. If you want, then we can keep them downstairs with us. I think they’ve almost got Dan convinced we should get a dog. My master plan is working. Muhaha
Me: LOL, Thanks so much, you’re the best!
Walking down the hall of the ICU, an eruption of noise is coming from Jack’s room. Immediate panic consumes me. Loud noises coming from an ICU patient’s room usually mean they’re crashing.
Picking up my pace, I hurry to his room but am stopped short when I realize the noise isn’t that of frantic nurses and doctors trying to save a patient. It’s actually… laughing.
What in the hell could his family find so funny at a time like this, I think, getting a bit pissed. But time stops when I hear it.
That laugh… the one I first heard at O’Riley’s almost six months ago. Jack’s laugh? It… it can’t be.
Without thinking, I whip open the privacy curtain to his room and everyone looks at me, including a very awake, very much breathing on his own Jack.
I pause for a second when it hits me. They didn’t tell me. I’ve been here every day, and they didn’t tell me that Jack was able to come off life support today.
I immediately feel hurt and embarrassed and back up and out of the room. “I’m sorry, I… didn’t mean to intrude on a family moment,” I say and turn to go.
“Shit!” Jack says. “No, Annie, stop… please. Stay. I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I told them not to tell you. I wanted you to be surprised,” Jack pleads.
I stop and slowly turn back to face him.
“I told you that was the wrong move, asshole,” Shayna says, punching him lightly in the arm before coming over and hugging me.
“Are you sure? I can give you privacy,” I say, tension rising in me with the eyes of his parents as well as those of Ben and Shayna on me.
“Are you kidding, Annie? He’s been asking us every ten minutes what time it is, waiting for you to get off work. It’s been like taking a road trip with a grade schooler. ‘Are we there yet?’” Ben says, mimicking an impatient child.
“Okay, I wasn’t that bad,” Jack laughs again before his expression turns serious. “Guys, can you give me a few minutes alone with Annie?” he asks his family.
They nod and hug me as they file out of the ICU room.
“Hey,” I say softly from near the door.
“Hey, Annie.” He smiles .
I nearly melt into a puddle right there. I was so afraid I’d never see that smile again.
Piercing me with those gray eyes, he whispers. “Ben told me he gave you the journal. Did you read it?”
“I did. Did you… did you mean everything you wrote in there? Do you still?” I ask hesitantly, afraid of what his answer will be.
“I did and I do, sugar. Of course I do,” he answers with no hesitation.
“Jack, I’m so sorry you were so hurt and blamed yourself with… everything. I hate you went through that alone. I should have helped you. I should have been there for you.” A tear slides down my cheek.
“Annie, you couldn’t have helped me, and you tried to be there for me. I wasn’t letting you, baby. Now please, please come here, closer, or else I’m going to climb out of this bed to come over there and set off all kinds of alarms.”
I can’t help but smile at that and make my way over to his bedside.
When I get there, he reaches for my hand, and even that small touch is so comforting, I gasp at how much I’ve missed it.
“So, I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest,” he says softly, looking into my eyes with those beautiful grays I’d feared wouldn’t shine with life again.
“The doctors had been reducing my sedation overnight, hoping to take my tube out today. This morning, I thought—” He pauses, choking up and his eyes getting moist. He clears his throat before continuing, “I thought I heard you say that you love me and that you asked me to come back to me. Please tell me I didn’t imagine it, baby. Please.”
I can’t help it—I cry as I answer him. “You didn’t imagine it, Jack. None of it. I love you and I don’t want us to be apart another minute. ”
“Thank the fucking stars, sugar. Thank God.”
He reaches up and cups the side of my face before leaning in and kissing me softly on my lips. Then he pulls back and wipes a tear from my cheek. “Don’t cry, please don’t cry, Annie.”
“They aren’t sad tears.” I smile, sniffling. “These are those happy tears I taught you about, remember?”
“Well, in that case…” He smiles and brings his lips back to mine.
JACK
My phone rings and it’s a video call coming through from Fitz. When I answer, I beam, seeing my B shift crew all huddled trying to fit in the frame of the screen.
“Hey, Captain, how’s it going?” Fitz asks.
I smile that, even though we’re good friends now, he still uses my work title whenever he’s at the firehouse.
“Pretty, good! I’m hoping to get out of here soon. Maybe tomorrow. Good news. Doc says I should be able to come back to work in about two weeks.”
Their hoots and hollers echo through the phone.
“How are things at the station?” I ask.
“Captain Trina’s been picking up some of your shifts and she’s too tough on us. We want you back,” Garcia teases.
I laugh when Trina reaches over and smacks him on the back of his head.
Just then, two young nurses come into my room, and I say goodbye to the crew before ending the call.
“How’s our most handsome patient?” one of them says, smiling at me. Her tone and body language definitely have a flirty air to them.
Thanks, but no thanks, ladies. I’m a spoken for man .
“I’m fine. Are you taking me over to the step-down unit now? My girlfriend is planning on visiting with our dogs as soon as I’m transferred to a unit with pet visitation allowed,” I answer, careful that my tone makes my disinterest in her clear.
I’m not a dick. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I’ll never again put myself in a situation that could make Annie feel like she has to worry about my commitment to her and only her.
“Yep,” she says, her change in tone showing she clearly gets the hint before she and the other nurse disconnect me from all the wires and prep me for rolling over to the other unit.
I’ve been on the new nursing unit for an hour when the clicking of dog nails coming down the hall and cooing from the nursing staff fills the air. I’m pumped, knowing what that means.
A few seconds later, a gorgeous Annie, in jeans and one of my Elladine Fire Department tees, walks in the room with Gracie and Bean by her side.
When they see me, the dogs go absolutely bonkers. Annie smiles and shuts the door to the room before letting go of the leashes.
I quickly pat the bed and say, “Up.”
Both dogs instantly obey, joining me on the bed and covering me in wet dog kisses. Annie and I both laugh, and it only encourages these two.
After a few minutes, Gracie snuggles into my side and closes her eyes. Beanie, true to form, jumps off the bed and starts sniffing around exploring the room, no doubt wanting to make sure a morsel of food hasn’t been left behind for him.
Taking Annie’s hand in mine as she sits in the chair next to me, I lean over and kiss her on the cheek.
“The doc says if I’m stable overnight, I may be discharged home tomorrow. I was thinking, are you okay with staying at my house since it’s fewer steps for me?”
“You… you want me to stay with you? You sure you don’t want to stay with your parents?”
Turning to look her right in the eyes—those stunning green eyes—I make sure she won’t have any question what I want. “Annie, I’m not planning to spend another night away from you… unless you aren’t ready for that.”
“No, not at all. I’m ready for it, Jack,” she says, smiling. “However, just making this clear from the start—this time will be rated G until you get the all-clear from the doctor.”
“That’s fine. Rated G worked for me at our sleepover this summer.” I smirk.
She laughs, and it’s the best sound I’ve heard all day. “I’m serious, true rated G… I don’t want to do anything that can mess up your recovery.”
“We’ll see,” I say, winking at her.