Chapter 21 #2
I look forward to being around him, our horse rides, the movie nights, the way he kisses my neck when I wash dishes after he cooks for us.
I want to stay here with him.
I want a life like this, one that we build together.
He has stolen my heart, and if I leave, it’ll break me.
“Tessa, angel, I’m close. Do you want me to stop?”
I hold him tighter. If this is all I can have, I want all the memories I can get to torture myself. “No, please.”
I release my hold around his neck, wanting to watch him. Killian takes my hands, pulling them over my head with our fingers entwined.
I watch him as he stares down at me, his hips bucking, and then he practically roars his release. The sound cuts through me, and he collapses on top of me.
He struggles to catch his breath, still buried deep. “That was incredible,” he says between breaths.
“It was.”
“Let me clean you up,” Killian says as he pulls out and heads into my bathroom.
I lie here, waiting for a towel, questioning my life choices.
He returns and I head into the bathroom to finish.
What am I thinking? I can’t do this. I can’t make love to him. There is no love to be had.
This was a huge mistake. I have to rebuild that wall that was made of straw and use some freaking bricks this time.
Once I have my plan firmly in place, I exit the bathroom, ready to see him getting dressed so I can go to bed.
Instead of finding that, he’s in the bed, arm outstretched.
“Come here,” Killian requests.
I shouldn’t.
I should kick him out and put that damn wall up.
However, like a dumbass, I go to him and curl up on his chest.
Killian runs his fingertips up and down my back, and I count the ways I’m screwing up.
One, I’m falling for him.
Two, I’m sleeping with him when I should’ve never done it in the first place.
Three, I’m lying on his chest even knowing that one and two are important.
Four, I’m still not moving.
The list could really go on and on because the mistakes are piling up.
I lift my head and rest it on my hand that sits on his chest. Maybe I can talk myself out of this. I can say something about what I’m feeling, scare him off, and then that could be that. The rodeo is over. I should go back to New York anyway. This can be the shove I need.
He cups my cheek, his green eyes assessing. “What are you thinking?”
I’m not going to answer that honestly. “That you’re incredible in bed.”
Killian smirks. “Only in bed?”
“You’re not bad out of it.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
I smile. “You should.”
“You’re not bad in or out of bed either. Actually, you’re pretty spectacular.”
We fall silent, the moment settling around us.
I do my best not to let my mind wander about how much I’ll miss this.
How we solved a lot of issues today and I’ll need to leave soon.
Financially things are back on track, he’s working with Gary who will help with the breeding program, and as for Travis, well, that’s Cole Securities’ job.
My job was to manage the PR crisis, which I did as much as I think I can.
Killian kisses the top of my head, pulling me closer to him. “Tessa?”
“Yes?”
His hand moves up and down my arm. “I was thinking… I know the rodeo is over and the farm is on the right track, but maybe…maybe…you could…stay?”
My body locks up. I feel panic starting to rise. “Stay?”
He shifts, and I’m forced to lift my head to look at him. “I’m just saying that things still aren’t fixed here. Not completely. I really think you should hang around a while longer.”
“For work?”
“For work…and because I want you to.”
“Killian,” his name comes out as a breath. “You’re the one…”
“I know that I set the rules—although, I think we both did. I’m just saying that I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you here.” I shake my head and he continues on. “Don’t make any decisions now or even really think about it, just know the desire is there—on my end.”
As though I can think of anything else other than what he just said.
He wants me to stay.
It’s what I want, but it’s all too…messy.
I can’t just give up my job, my life, in the hopes that this is going to work out somehow. I have to think about all my responsibilities. If I were to give up my job, who is going to take care of things?
Then, my heart thinks about what I’m going to give up when I leave him.
The fact that in a few short weeks, he’s shown me what love can be like and that was with us both holding back.
If I let him love me, let myself love him, what could that look like?
Killian brushes my lips with his thumb. “Hey?”
I blink. “Hey.”
He chuckles. “What’s on your mind?”
“How old are you?” I blurt out the first thing I can think of. He said something about getting to know him, so I’m going to choose a basic question that won’t rock the boat.
Safe is my goal for the rest of the night.
Killian’s eyes widen for a second before his deep laugh shakes the bed. “My age? That’s what you want to know, why?”
“I don’t know, I just…we’ve talked about childhood trauma, but I don’t know the basics.
Like, how old are you? What’s your birthday?
Favorite color? Those are things most people get to learn before they have sex.
We skipped all that and have veered into a little bit of a dangerous territory, so let’s go to the safer topics. ”
“All right then. I’m forty-four. My birthday is January 27, and blue is my favorite color.”
It’s weird, but knowing that makes this feel a little more normal. “Forty-four, huh?”
I knew he was older, but I thought maybe late thirties.
“I’m afraid to ask your age based on the look on your face.”
“It’s not terrible. I just didn’t guess right. You do not look forty-four.”
His body definitely did not age.
“And what about you? Who is Tessa Rivers?”
I let out a long breath. “I’m twenty-five. My birthday is August 9, and my favorite color is green.” It was orange my entire life, but as I’ve stared into his green eyes over the last three or so weeks, I’ve found a new color I adore.
He chuckles once. “Twenty-five? God. I feel ancient.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“It is when I have a daughter your age.”
Okay, when he puts it that way, I guess it is that bad.
“I didn’t know you had kids—you said you weren’t married.”
“I’ve never been. I didn’t find out about her until a few years ago,” he explains and pushes my hair behind my ear. “She did one of those online DNA tests online to check for medical conditions and it matched that I was her father.”
That’s exactly how Meredith found out when she did her test a while back.
“Wow, and you never knew about her?”
“No. I met her mom in high school, but she left Colorado and moved to Georgia, not knowing she was pregnant. I had a scholarship to play football in Oregon, so I left right after graduation. She met someone and told him she was pregnant with his kid and he raised her. She had no idea he wasn’t even her dad until she got the results back. ”
My brows furrow the more he speaks and my mind spins because his story is too similar to one I know all too well. Meredith is from Georgia, and her mother moved there in high school, but…it couldn’t be.
Right?
There’s no way this can be the same because, surely, the universe wouldn’t hate me this much.
Cautiously, I ask the next question that will put all of this to rest. “When did you learn this?”
“Two years ago, I think. She actually lives not too far from me, which is ironic since neither of us is from Virginia.”
My stomach sinks, and I feel lightheaded. It can’t be. What would the odds be?
Oh God. I might die.
Right now.
My heart might literally give out.
I sit up and put some distance between him and I. “Killian, what’s your daughter’s name?”
Please don’t say Meredith. Please don’t say Meredith.
“Meredith.”
My heart threatens to give out as I leap out of bed, holding a pillow in front of me to cover myself. “Oh my God. Is her last name Scarpello?”
He sits up, his eyes widening. “How do you…?”
I let out the loudest burst of air, and I swear I might start hyperventilating.
“Oh my God. Oh my God. This can’t be happening.
Meredith Scarpello is your daughter? Meredith, who is married to a guy named Jake, and they live like an hour from here?
” I ask, praying that maybe, just maybe, there is a God who doesn’t want me to throw myself off a cliff.
“Yes? Tessa, how do you know this?”
I let out a cry. “We are so fucked! And not the kind of fucking we just did. Oh my God. I’m going to have to tell my best friend that I’ve been sleeping with her dad!”