CHAPTER SEVEN
"Ready for a break?"
Lily looked up to see Cami standing on the other side of the desk. She slid her glasses off, fighting the urge to rub her eyes. "What time is it?"
"Almost three. You've been at it for about an hour and a half. I would think a break would do you good."
Lily nodded. "It would. I had planned to take regular breaks, but I guess I kind of got caught up in this."
"C'mon," Cami said with a wave of her hand. "Let's go outside for a bit. It's not too hot today."
"Been doing a little research?" Lily asked as she stood up. She pressed her hands against the small of her back and stretched.
"You bet. The only way to be able to help you is to understand what you're dealing with."
Lily rounded the desk and joined Cami as they left the library. "Seems awful quiet. Where are the kids?"
"Josh and Amy took them all off to a park somewhere once they were done with lunch. I think Laurel and Violet went, too."
"You didn't want to go?"
"Not really. I'm never one to turn down a little peace and quiet.” Cami smiled. “Plus, we thought someone should be here for you and Jessa."
Lily sighed. "I'm not an invalid. Yet, anyway. I can take care of myself."
"I know, but we're still getting used to that. You're going to have to cut us a little slack."
"I'll try. I know I have a couple years’ head start on dealing with this.
And even that doesn't seem to matter sometimes.
Just when you think you've got it figured out, something new pops up.
The number one thing I've learned from my own research and living with MS myself is that it's not the same for everyone.
My journey with MS will be completely different from someone else's.
It's unpredictable, which makes it that much more challenging.
" Lily lifted her face to the breeze as they stepped out onto the porch.
She had missed this while living in London.
The silence was broken only by the rustle of the leaves and other sounds of nature.
She followed Cami down the steps to the lawn chairs. With a contented sigh, she sank down onto one of the chaise lounges and stretched her legs out.
"What I read also said stress aggravates things for you." Cami settled down on the chair beside her. "Is being around Nate a stress for you? Will it make things harder?"
"I didn't think it would, but now I'm not so sure. Being away from here meant being away from reminders. Memories are much harder to fight when the trigger is right in front of you."
"Should I talk to Lance about asking him to move?"
Lily jerked her head around to stare at Cami.
"No. He's going through so much already, I wouldn't dream of adding to that.
I think this is where he needs to be. I'll be fine.
Just have to get over the initial rush of memories.
I'm hoping that being around him more will help us get to that point of friendship. "
"Good luck with that," Cami said. "From what I've seen, I don't think friendship is what Nate wants."
"Well, it's all he's going to get." Lily stared out over the back yard, her gaze going to the chapel set back in the corner of the trees.
At one time, she'd dreamed of her and Nate's wedding taking place there.
It had all been planned out in her mind.
They just hadn't made it to the altar. No one knew that she'd actually found her perfect dream dress and had ordered it just months before she'd received the diagnosis and everything changed.
It was in storage at the bridal shop in Collingsworth.
She had paid for them to store it until her return.
She would need to go get it soon. Or maybe see if they could sell it for her, because there was no reason to hang onto it any longer.
"Earth to Lily."
Lily glanced at Cami. "Sorry."
"No problem. Anything you want to talk about?"
"No. You'll have to forgive me if I lapse into silence. I've spent a lot of time alone with my own thoughts over the past couple of years."
Cami frowned. "Did you not make friends where you lived?"
Lily thought back to the people who had lived in the other flats in the building where she'd rented.
She'd known them all and had sometimes shared meals at the pub down the street with a couple of them, but by and large, they had been very surface friendships.
With so much of her emotions tangled up in the ending of her engagement to Nate and trying to accept her diagnosis, she hadn't been interested in developing any real deep friendships.
There had been two young girls who shared a flat who had traveled with her on a few of her jaunts.
It had been nice to have company, but there had also been pressure to do what they wanted even when her energy levels hadn't been very high.
In the end, it had just been easier to travel by herself and take her time based on how her body was doing on any given day.
"I made a few friends, but none like Megan."
"What does Megan think of your diagnosis?"
"It was an adjustment for her."
"Did she visit you?"
Lily bit the inside of her lip. "Yes. Every six months or so she'd come see me."
Hurt crossed Cami's face. "So she knew about your diagnosis?"
"Yes. At the time, she was the one I felt safest telling."
Cami's brows furrowed. "Why didn't you feel safe telling us?"
Lily took a deep breath, hoping she could put it into words in a way that Cami would understand.
"I was afraid to need any of you. Around that time, all of you had stuff going on.
You and Josh were touring. Laurel and Violet were busy with their families, and Jessa had the business she'd started up here with the B&B plus her gardens.
And Will...well, he had his own heartaches to deal with.
I didn't want to burden anyone." Lily looked down at her hands, smoothing the fabric of her pants with her fingertips.
"And I think I was scared that no one would care.
To be honest, the only person that I felt gave me any sort of priority in their life was Megan.
I had no mother or father to care about me.
No grandparents. Just siblings who were busy with their lives. "
Lily felt Cami's hand on her arm.
"I'm sorry we made you feel like that, Lily. I do understand why you did though. I felt the same way when I left here right after graduation. It seemed like no one would care if I wasn't around. It was all lies though. Lies Satan used to divide our family."
Lily nodded. "I understand that a bit better now. But back then, I figured it was better to not tell people. Then I wouldn’t be disappointed by their response or lack of it. If I did share it, then I might have had to face the reality of how unimportant I really was to everyone."
"Ah, Lily. I hope you know that we are all here for you now. Just say the word and we'll do what we can for you. Our family has been fractured for far too long. Having you home now is helping to heal that final fracture." Cami paused. "Wait. You said that only Megan gave you priority?"
"Yes, that's how I felt back then," Lily said with a nod.
"What about Nate?"
Lily sighed. "He had a lot of pressure on him from his dad to work long hours to build the business.
He was often too tired to do anything for or with me.
I knew that my illness would just create more stress for him as he tried to juggle his dad's demands along with the ones that came with my diagnosis. "
"His dad's not around anymore," Cami pointed out.
"True. But he's still got a lot on his plate that needs his attention. I don't need to be adding to that. In fact, I'm trying to do what I can to ease it. Inasmuch as my body will allow me to."
Cami didn't respond right away, leaving Lily to wonder what was going on in her sister's mind.
"How do you feel about where you come priority-wise in people's lives now?" she finally asked.
"It doesn't matter to me anymore. Being on my own for the past couple of years has helped me to realize that I shouldn't be dependent on others for how I'm feeling about myself."
Cami nodded. "But just remember that you aren't an island unto yourself. We are here to support you as best we can. Don't rob us of the opportunity, sis."
Warmth filled Lily's heart. "I won't. In fact, I am going to need someone to do a little running around with me. I need to get a car. I'll be making trips into Minneapolis so want to have my own wheels."
"Are you able to drive still?"
Lily nodded. "I got the all-clear from the doctor I was seeing in London.
He ran me through a bunch of tests for my vision and my reflex and response times.
I'll most likely have to renew annually with a medical report to support being medically able to drive.
I'm very aware of when symptoms are popping up that might prevent me from driving safely. "
When Cami didn't reply, Lily glanced over to find her sister regarding her seriously. "What?"
"I'm just realizing how much you've grown up during the time you've been away. I can still remember the young girl I managed to con into taking me to the bar."
"Yeah, that wasn't very nice of you," Lily said as she reached out and playfully smacked Cami's arm. "Facing the wrath of the trio wasn't very fun at all."
"True, but you know, if I hadn't gone there that night, I'm not sure if things would have unfolded like they did with Josh. That was a turning point for us."
"Well, I'm glad that it turned out to be something good. I was so angry with you after that."
Cami grinned. "I know, but you forgave me."
"That I did. But you still owe me."
"Feel free to cash in at any time."
Lily stretched out her legs and then slid them off either side of the lounge. "Guess I'd better get back to work. I want to get a certain amount done before I call it a day."