CHAPTER NINE
The revelation stabbed her like a red hot poker. She'd known that Will would likely tell him at some point, but suddenly Nate's dismissal of her earlier made sense. Hoping her distress didn't show on her face, she said, "Guess he knows how lucky he was to have dodged that bullet now."
Amy frowned, her brows drawing together. "I didn't get that feeling."
"Well, once he decides to do a little research on how the disease can progress, he will feel that way."
Will reached across and touched her hand. "Are you mad at me?"
"No. I knew he'd find out sooner or later. It was probably better coming from you than anyone else."
"And I have to agree with Amy. I didn't get the feeling he was relieved that he wasn't engaged to you anymore because of it."
Lily shrugged. "It really makes no difference. I still believe I made the right decisions when I ended the engagement and left here. That time away was important for me."
"I can see that you've changed since then," Will commented. "I just don't want you to ever doubt that we're here for you now."
Though she knew it was natural that much of the conversations would go back to her disease during the first little while after her return, Lily did look forward to being able to talk about other things. It was still new to them, but the newness of the diagnosis had worn off for her.
"So are you planning to go back to Dallas?" Lily asked Amy.
Amy smiled as she looked over at Will. Lily's heart clenched at the look that passed between them. She was happy Will had found love again after losing Delia so tragically. And as she watched him and Amy interact, she noticed that he was much more relaxed and at ease than she remembered him being with Delia. And it was hard to miss how much Will’s daughter, Isabella, adored Amy.
"For now I'm going to be hanging around Collingsworth. At least until Jessa's baby is born and they don't need me anymore." Amy grinned as she batted her eyelashes at Will. "Beyond that...well, we'll just have to see."
Before Will could respond, the back door opened. Lily looked over and saw Nate coming inside, plate in hand.
He approached the counter where the food was. "So this is where you guys are hanging out."
"Yeah, we're keeping Lily company," Will said. "Join us."
Lily shot Will a look. It was one thing that he'd decided to tell Nate about the MS, he didn't have to keep trying to get them together. It wasn't going to happen, and it would just make things awkward.
"Sure." Nate added some food to his plate and then sat down in one of the empty chairs at the table.
Lily was grateful he hadn't seated himself right next to her. She pushed the food around on her plate with her fork before taking another bite of the salad. The knot in her stomach made it difficult to want to eat.
"So why are you inside instead of enjoying the nice summer evening?" Nate asked as he spread butter on a roll.
Will glanced at Lily, his eyebrows rising.
Swallowing the bite she'd just taken, Lily said, "My body doesn't do too well with heat anymore."
Nate lowered his fork to his plate. "Heat bothers you?"
Lily nodded, not meeting his gaze. She was pretty sure he was remembering all the times they'd done things together even on the hottest of days.
Whether it had been going for a hike or riding bikes, she'd never hesitated to participate.
Though they hadn't done it on a regular basis because of his other responsibilities, heat had never been a reason not to do something.
However, it was something she had to factor into her decisions now.
"So you have to check the temperature every day?" Amy asked.
"Only if I'm planning to be outside for any length of time." With the conversation once again on her disease, Lily tried to suppress her frustration. Would the MS now define who she was in the eyes of her family? Would her limitations be all they would see?
Will pushed his now-empty plate away from him. "Are there days when you feel completely normal?" He leaned away from the table, slipping his arm across the back of Amy’s chair.
"Normal isn't a word I use much to describe my days anymore." Lily moved her plate a few inches so she could lean her arms on the edge of the table. "But yes, there are days where I definitely feel like I could do more than I can on other days."
"How soon do you know what kind of day it's going to be?" Nate asked.
Against her better judgment, Lily looked at him.
She thought she might see pity there, but right then, all she saw was concern.
"It's usually something I determine as the day goes along.
" Though she wished for a different topic of conversation, she decided that the sooner they understood about it, the better.
"I'll give you an example that might help you to understand how my days unfold.
Imagine that at the beginning of your day you were given a dozen spoons.
For each thing you plan to do that day, you must give up one spoon.
" She looked at Amy. "How would you spend your first spoons? "
"I guess I'd get up and get ready for my day. Take a shower. Do my makeup."
"Are you planning to wash your hair? Shave your legs?
Because on certain days, those two tasks would each require a spoon.
Then you'd do your hair and makeup. Two more spoons.
Getting dressed. Another spoon. So you've spent five spoons, and you haven't even had breakfast yet.
And if you're making your own breakfast that will be another spoon.
You're halfway done with your spoons and the day has just started. "
Amy's brows drew together. "Seriously? So you have to plan out your day like that?"
"Yes. Particularly when I’m dealing with stress or I’m overtired.
There can be stretches of time where I’m able to get through my days without having to focus on my spoons, but that’s usually when I’ve taken the time to balance my life.
Get the rest I need. Eat a balanced, healthy diet.
Take my medication. Get a little exercise. "
"How many spoons did it take you to do what you did for me today?" Nate asked. He had leaned back, one arm on the table, the other hooked over the back of his chair.
"Barely one. Sitting like that doesn't require too much energy." Lily decided she might as well put it all out there. "I did have to stop though when my brain started getting a bit foggy."
"Foggy?" Nate moved forward, his brown gaze intent on her. "What do you mean?"
"It's just another part of the MS. Sometimes when I'm tired my brain goes a little...foggy. It's hard to describe. But usually it means I can't focus as well and tend to make mistakes. That's why I went upstairs to lay down before supper. Rest helped to lift that fog for the time being."
Nate's gaze held hers for a long moment before he said, "I wish you'd told me."
Lily glanced at Will and Amy, not sure she wanted to have this discussion with an audience. "I did what I needed to. I couldn't deal with everyone else's emotions about it when I was still trying to come to terms with it myself."
"I wasn't everyone else, Lily." His voice had a gruff edge to it, and though it wasn't a tone she'd often heard from him, Lily knew his emotions were stirred.
She swallowed hard. "I did what I had to."
"I'm sure none of us understand what that was like," Amy said, no doubt feeling the emotionally charged air between Lily and Nate.
Lily shot her a grateful look. "Having spent the last few years getting used to living with this disease makes it easier for me to tell you about it."
"You’re going to get tired of the questions, aren’t you?" Will commented.
"If you really want to find out more about it, I can give you a website to visit.
Or just do a search for it." Lily paused then said, "I have been diagnosed as having the relapsing-remitting form of MS. There are lots of symptoms listed on the websites, but at the moment, I don't have all or even most of them.
The thing to remember is that this disease is very unpredictable.
I can be fine one day and have a relapse the next.
And there are things called invisible symptoms. They're the ones you can't necessarily see that I might be dealing with.
“More than anything I just need people to trust that I know my limits.
If I say I can't do something, even if I look fine, respect that I know my body can't handle it.
I take medicine that helps keep the disease from progressing more quickly, and I also take medication to help with symptoms and things like pain.
Though I may go for long stretches of time without my symptoms worsening or changing or having a relapse, I eventually will get worse.
It's pretty much a given. Unless they find a cure. .."
Lily pulled her plate back toward her and took another bite.
The silence around the table was heavy, and she was sorry in a way she'd brought it down, but she needed them—Nate especially—to understand what lay ahead.
She might look normal, but the disease was at work in her body, and sooner or later, her bad days would be more frequent than her good ones.
Several people came in the back door, stalling any further conversation. Lily focused on finishing up most of what was on her plate, completely aware of Nate sitting in silence so very close to her.
Amy stood up and reached for their plates, stacking them in front of her before carrying them to the sink. "Everyone ready for dessert?"
Lily declined but offered to take some up to Jessa. She needed to get away from the tension radiating off Nate. Though Lance had eaten dinner with Jessa, he left the two of them alone when she came bearing ice cream for his very pregnant wife.