CHAPTER THIRTEEN
"Here you go," Will said as he handed him a plate. "Fill 'er up."
"Thanks." Nate approached the table where the food was and helped himself to the potato salad and barbecued chicken. As he turned to find a place to sit, he saw that Lily was watching him. He gave her a quick smile before heading to the empty seat next to Will.
After bowing his head to say a prayer for his food, Nate turned to Will. "I'm wondering if you happen to have an empty apartment in that building of yours."
Will's brows rose. "You looking to rent a place? Or is it for someone else?"
"It's for me." Nate took a bite of the potato salad. "It looks like it's going to be a little bit before my house can be rebuilt, so I think I may just rent through the winter and tackle that in the spring."
Will didn't answer right away, and Nate didn't miss the way his gaze went in Lily's direction. "Well, I do have one place coming up. They just gave their notice last week. It's one of the studios though. Not much room."
"That's fine for me. It's not like I have much at the moment."
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather stay here at the manor?" Cami asked. "I'm sure Jessa and Lance wouldn't have a problem with that."
"Today is my day for making decisions," Nate said. "I decided to not rebuild the garage in Sanford, and now I think I need to get a place of my own. It would be for the best. I do appreciate your generosity though. Being able to stay here in the meantime has been a real blessing."
As Will asked the details of what the officials had told him in Sanford, Nate found himself relaxing. Focusing forward was what he needed to do. And though he hadn't given up hoping for a future with Lily, he knew he couldn't live at the manor indefinitely hoping she'd change her mind.
Once he was finished eating, he helped them clean up.
"Ice cream cones," Laurel called out to the kids as she set the ingredients down on the picnic table.
Nate watched the kids gather around the table, clamoring for their dessert. An ache grew in his stomach. One or more of his and Lily's children should have been joining them.
"You're not moving out because I'm here, are you?"
Nate turned to see Lily standing next to him. Her auburn hair was pulled back in a high ponytail and lay over one of her shoulders. For the first time since her arrival, she looked more rested. He also noticed that she seemed more steady on her feet than she had the day before.
Pondering her question, he debated what to tell her.
"Partly. This is your home, not mine. If I had known you were on your way back when Lance offered me the place to stay, I would have turned it down.
My being here with you is no easier for me than it is for you.
" She blinked at his comment, and her brows drew together, but she didn't say anything.
"Plus, it looks like I will be out of a home for a little longer than a few weeks, so I'd rather have my own place until the house is rebuilt. "
"I'm sorry that it's not going to work to rebuild the garage in Sanford."
"Me, too. Mainly because I feel like I'm killing my dad's dream. But that's just what it was. My dad's dream, not mine. It was a lot of stress for me to juggle the two places on my own. I will be happy to just be able to concentrate on the one here."
"I'm sorry if my coming back has complicated things for you.” Lily's head dipped. “On top of everything else you've been dealing with."
"Make no mistake, Lily. You coming back would have complicated things for me regardless of what else was going on in my life."
Her gaze jerked up to meet his and for just a brief second, Nate saw a flash of emotion in her eyes. Good. She needed to know that while she may have been able to move on, there were still things unresolved for him.
"Maybe I should have just stayed away," she said with a lift of her chin. Nate didn't miss the defensive tone in her voice.
"Maybe you shouldn't have left in the first place," he replied. "It wasn't fair to your family. And it wasn't fair to me."
Anger flashed across her face. Nate's heart clenched at the sight. Though it was cliché, Lily was most beautiful when she allowed her emotions full rein. Happiness, sadness and even anger brought her already vibrant appearance to life.
"The MS diagnosis wasn't fair to me," she said, her voice low. "All I wanted to do was find a way to live with this disease. And I did. You got to go on with your life as normal. You had your job. You got a girlfriend."
Nate saw the flush rise in Lily's face. So it did bother her that he'd gone on to date someone else. "Was I supposed to be waiting around for something? I had no idea why you left. For all I knew, you ran off with some British dude. To be honest, I almost wish you had."
Lily's eyes widened. "Seriously?"
"Do you think it's been easy to hear that you left because you'd discovered you had MS? I wish you weren't sick even if it meant you had left to be with someone else."
"Well, wishing isn't going to change anything." She crossed her arms in front of her. "I didn't come back here to complicate your life. I honestly thought you'd moved on. From what Violet said when I got here, it sounded like you had."
"So you felt it was safe being back here because I was dating Crystal?"
"I just thought it would be...easier."
"And then you found out I was staying here at the manor." Rather than answer, Lily just shrugged, her gaze going past him. "Well then, Lily-belle, my moving out should make you happy."
At the use of her nickname, her gaze came back to his for a split second.
And for the second time during their conversation he saw a flash of emotion.
And it gave him a little more hope. Surely if everything she felt for him was dead, they wouldn't even be having this conversation, let alone it making her mad.
"It doesn't make me happy," Lily said. "Nothing about any of this has ever made me happy."
Nate took a step toward her. "You had to know that if you had told me about the diagnosis, I would have been there for you. Would have done everything I could. I wouldn't have abandoned you."
Lily gave him a sad smile. "Yeah, I know. But I couldn't tell you."
"Couldn't?" Nate asked. "Or wouldn't?"
Her green eyes seemed to liquefy as he stared at her, but no tears flowed. She blinked once then said, "I couldn't."
The faint flickering of hope he'd had earlier sputtered, nearly going out completely. But he couldn't give up on her. On them.
He wouldn't.
~*~*~
Turning and walking away from Nate this time was almost as hard as it had been the day she'd ended their engagement.
But Lily knew she had to do it...and keep doing it.
Even though him saying that he would have done everything for her tugged so strongly at her heart, it was also the very thing that kept her from him.
This disease had already altered and consumed her life, she didn't want it to do the same for him.
After all he'd dealt with, he deserved not to have to bear the burden of what was to come for her.
She didn't have to look around to know that her siblings were watching her walk away from Nate.
They'd no doubt been watching—and maybe even listening to—her talk to him.
It hadn't been the best place to have the conversation.
In fact, she hadn't really thought it through to the end.
If she had, she never would have approached him in such a public place.
Not sure where exactly she was going, Lily climbed the porch steps and opened the back door.
Inside the kitchen, she paused. After spending all day in her room, she wasn't exactly keen to go back, but she didn't really want to have any type of conversation with her sisters just then either.
Not that her going to her room would keep them from seeking her out.
Oh, how she wished she could still handle a long hot bath, but since the heat was no longer her friend, that particular escape was out as well. She had no car to go anywhere. And walking any distance was a risk after just finally feeling steadier on her feet after the past couple of days.
Feeling trapped, Lily let out a long sigh and headed for the stairs. Once in her room, she pulled out her phone and called Megan. It had been a few days since they'd last talked, but she knew her friend would understand.
"Can you come pick me up, Meg?" Lily asked when her friend answered. "I desperately need to get away for a bit."
"Sure. Just dropping something off at my mom's. I'll be there in about twenty minutes."
True to her word, Megan pulled up right on time. Lily had come down to wait on the front steps for her. Thankfully no one had sought her out once she'd gone upstairs. She had a feeling it had been hard for them not to, but she was grateful they'd kept their distance.
"So anywhere particular you want to go?" Megan asked as she turned the car toward Collingsworth.
"Ice cream. I want some ice cream." Lily leaned back in the seat. "They had some for dessert, but I want soft ice cream. Preferably crammed with bits of chocolate."
"Dairy Queen it is," Megan said with a grin.
The tension began to ease from Lily's body as her friend chatted about her day.
Megan was the one person who seemed to truly understand how she wanted—needed—to be treated.
Though she, too, had gone through a learning curve early on.
It gave Lily hope that eventually the rest of her family would get to this point as well.
They ended up hanging out at the ice cream parlor until it closed.
Though Lily wasn't excited to get home, she also knew that she didn't want to push herself so soon after the bad day she'd had yesterday.
The manor was quiet when Megan dropped her off.
Lights were still on, but no one was around downstairs.
Lily made her way to her bedroom and slipped inside.