CHAPTER THIRTEEN #2
Once again taking advantage of still having a bit of energy left, she showered and then climbed into bed to have her devotions.
After reviewing her verse and then praying, Lily found she still wasn't able to fall asleep.
She lay curled on her side, staring out the window and allowed herself to relive the earlier conversation with Nate.
It had been easy to not think about it while out with Megan, but now it all came back.
She hadn't expected Nate to push her about their breakup.
It had actually surprised her. During their relationship, he'd seemed to go out of his way to never argue with her.
It seemed that over the past three years, Nate had become more aggressive in how he dealt with things.
Unfortunately, no matter how aggressive he got, it wouldn't change things with Lily.
She was fairly certain that if she opened the door to rekindling their romance, he'd be through it in a flash.
But she just couldn't do that to him. He hadn't seen the people in the support group she'd gone to in London.
The ones who were further along in their fight with MS. Some had to use canes to walk.
Others couldn't walk at all. A few couldn't even communicate very well. It had been a sobering reality of what lay ahead for her. Particularly because a few of them hadn’t been that much older than her.
She couldn't place that burden on Nate.
This isn't about Nate. You're scared.
Lily let out a sharp breath. No, this was about her not wanting Nate to have to bear the burden of caring for her when her condition worsened. She didn't want her children to be in that position either.
No, this is about you not wanting to take the chance that Nate will abandon you when it gets rough.
He'd said he wouldn't abandon her, and Lily believed him. She knew he had watched his father care for his mother until their death. Nate would be there for her just as his father had been there for his mother. He would care for her. But he shouldn't have to.
You are scared that he might not love you enough to stay. Or that he'll stay with you out of obligation, not love. You are scared.
"Shut up!" Lily hissed in the darkness. This wasn't the first time the voice in her head had tried to make her admit this. But she wasn't scared. She truly was doing this for Nate's sake. He didn't know enough to make the right decision. She did.
Now if she could just get Nate to see that.
~*~*~
The next week settled into an easy rhythm for Lily.
She was getting enough sleep. Eating good food.
And her body responded well to the schedule.
By Friday, Lily was feeling the best she had since leaving London.
The family had also gotten to the point where they didn't seem to be constantly on edge about her physical condition.
This weekend promised to hold a range of emotions for her though.
Baby Daniel was supposed to be coming home on Saturday after spending just over a week in the hospital.
From all reports, he was doing well. Nursing like a champ.
Gaining weight and having no further complications that required him to stay longer. Jessa was walking on air.
Unfortunately, come Monday, Cami, Josh and their girls were going to be pulling out and heading back to their home in Tennessee.
Strangely enough, though Lily had been fine on her own the last three years, now that she was back home, she found it difficult to think of them not all being together.
Cami had been her rock the past week. It would be hard to say goodbye to them on Monday.
Though Nate had been around, he hadn't sought her out. Maybe their conversation a week ago had finally gotten through to him. Lily had continued to work on the bookkeeping for his business, but he hadn't spent much time with her except to answer any questions she might have.
"Hey, Lily."
Looking up from the laptop, Lily saw Jessa walking toward her. "Hey. How's it going?"
"Going good. We're on our way up to the hospital to see the little guy. Everything going okay here?"
Lily nodded. "I should be finished with this today. Then it will just need Nate to keep up to date with it all."
"Do you think you'll continue to do it for him?" Jessa asked.
"Not sure. I know I need to find something to do. I didn't come back to just sit around."
"I'm sure Nate appreciates your help with all this. It's been a difficult time for him."
Lily stared at Jessa, wondering where she was going with this. "Yes, I'm sure that's true."
Jessa shifted her weight. "Lance said they are going to be tearing down Nate's house today."
And there it was. "I didn't know that."
"Though he's not rebuilding until spring, they need to get rid of the old structure for safety reasons."
Lily's thoughts went back to the time she'd spent there with Nate. It had been his family home. He’d never lived anywhere else. No doubt the majority of the memories of his mom and dad were of them together in their home. A good chunk of her memories with him were also tied to the house.
Feeling tears prick at her eyes, Lily dropped her gaze to the laptop.
It was no longer her place to offer comfort to Nate, but the reality was—whether she liked it or not—that man still held a huge part of her heart.
Right then, all she wanted to do was go and be by his side while he faced this difficult moment in his life.
But she had given up that right three years ago.
"Thanks for letting me know," Lily said as she looked up at her sister. "I'll be praying for him."
Jessa hesitated before nodding. "I thought you should know. Anyway, I'm heading to the hospital. See you later."
Alone in the library, Lily fought the urge to go to Nate's house—no doubt that's where he was—to offer her support.
She couldn't take the chance of him misreading her actions, though.
A battle raged within her. Torn between keeping her distance and offering him support.
She was also dealing with her own emotional reaction to the destruction of his home.
It was a place of significance to their relationship, but now it was gone. Just like things between them.