Chapter Twenty-Nine
Reed
Iburst through the front door of my parents’ house as angry sobs wracked my body.
I barely held it together on the ride-share home.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Cole had felt, the depression and suicidal thoughts, which were all my fault.
I had caused him to think he wasn’t good enough.
That his life wasn’t worth living. I was a terrible human being.
I couldn’t believe I was capable of being that horrible. God, I was awful.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Mom asked when she saw me standing in the kitchen with my face buried in my hands, tears soaking my skin. “Oh, come here.” She moved closer and wrapped her arms around me. “Sshh, it’s okay.”
That only made me cry harder. Because it wasn’t. It never would be. If I had just stayed and faced Cole. Told him what I needed him to do and not to leave Boston for me. Things would be different. He would know he was the most amazing man I had ever met, and I was honored to have him in my life.
Mom hummed softly. “Do you want to talk about it?” She gently combed her fingers through my hair. When I didn’t answer her, she pulled back and forced me to look at her. “Did something happen between you and Cole? Did you have a fight?”
I squeezed my eyes shut as fresh tears formed. “I love him.”
“I know you do,” she assured me. “Does he not feel the same anymore? Is that why you’re so upset?”
I sniffed. “No, Mom, he loves me, too. I just...I caused him to think he wasn’t good enough. When I left him without saying goodbye, it nearly killed him.”
“What?” Mom looked startled. “You’re talking about that summer, right? The one where you said you had to get back to school early because of an addition.”
Whoops. I might have fibbed a little. “Yeah.”
“You left Cole without telling him? Without a goodbye or anything?” Her brows dipped.
“Sweetie, did you know that I did that to your father once? Did I ever tell you? I messed up so badly with Hutch. He was angry with me, and it’s something I regret even now.
I probably will for the rest of my life. ”
I shook my head. “I didn’t know about you and Dad until the other day.”
“Why did you leave him? You two were so in love that summer. Everyone could see it.”
“Because I was terrified Cole would give up everything for me.”
Mom’s eyes grew wet. “So instead, you gave up everything for him.”
“I...” I had never thought of it like that before.
I had tucked my broken heart, pieces and all, inside a box and planned to never open it again. Not until Cole came back into my life. The moment I saw him again, that box was ripped apart and all the pieces scattered around North Carolina.
Mom stroked my cheek. “Your heart was in the right place. And so was mine. We made decisions we thought were good for the people we loved, but in the end, it nearly ruined us.”
“He wanted to die, Mom.” I pressed my head against her shoulder. “He said he couldn’t get out of bed and wanted to die. I did that to him.”
Mom squeezed me closer. “But he’s here now. Cole loves you and wants to be with you, right? Why are you still running?”
“I’m not good enough for him.” I hadn’t meant to say that, and I regretted it the moment the words slipped from my lips.
Mom huffed. “That’s a fucking lie, Reed Kelly. Cole should be so lucky to have you in his life. You’re smart, brilliant, and funny. You’re a much better dancer than I ever was, and I’m so damn proud of you. Your father and I both are. You’re the most amazing son we could have asked for.”
“I think...” I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. “I think I have an eating disorder.”
At first, I wasn’t sure if she heard me, but Mom held onto me tighter and her body began to shake.
She held me as she cried, and my tears soon joined hers.
She told me we would figure this out. That I was strong and could beat it.
And that she would stand behind me one hundred percent. Because she loved me.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “For being the best mother I could have ever asked for.”
Mom smiled, her cheeks stained with tears and her eyes rimmed with red. “You’re the best son I could have ever asked for.” She leaned closer. “Just don’t tell Silas I said that.”
I snorted. “Can’t promise you that one.” But I loved my brother. I would never hurt him like that. And we knew Mom loved us all equally.
“How about this?” Mom grabbed my hand and tugged me into the kitchen. “You go get changed. I’ll make us some popcorn, and we can watch a movie. Your choice.”
Just like when I was a kid. It felt like forever since we’d done something like that. “I think that’s a great idea.”
MOM AND I WATCHED Mean Girls together. We laughed, ate popcorn, and enjoyed ourselves.
It felt so good to be home. Normal. I felt better than I had in a long time.
Years, probably. But there was the elephant in the room that I was scared to acknowledge: the eating disorder that had taken over my life over the past couple of years.
I knew that my mother wasn’t going to let it go either.
I would be surprised if she did, because she was my mom, and she loved me.
She noticed everything. Maybe that’s why I told her in the first place. So she would push me.
“Sweetie.” Mom brushed the hair from my forehead. Her lips turned up into a half-smile, while her eyes looked sad. “I think you should talk to someone.”
My vision blurred. “Mom, I don’t think I can do that yet.”
“Reed Hutch Kelly, this is not up for debate.” She three-named me. That was never good. “I’m not angry with you. I’m simply worried. I want my son to live a long, healthy, and happy life. But you can’t do that if you don’t take care of yourself.”
She was right. Of course, she was right. My mother was one of the smartest people I knew.
“I know.” My voice was hardly a whisper. “I just don’t know how.”
Mom tilted my head up. “Your father has been seeing a therapist for years. She doesn’t take on new clients anymore; she’s mostly retired these days, but for Hutch, she would do anything. Megan is a wonderful woman.”
“Megan? Dad’s friend you always invite to Thanksgiving?” My stomach turned.
I had met this woman countless times, and I never knew who she was. And what did she mean, Dad saw a therapist? Since when? I opened my mouth to ask, then closed it. That was none of my business. If my father needed help, I wasn’t about to judge him. I was proud of him.
Mom squeezed my shoulder. “Dad doesn’t talk to her nearly as much these days.
He’s doing a lot better. Sometimes, and only sometimes, he just needs a little encouragement and someone to listen to him in ways I can’t.
I could ask him to reach out to Megan for you.
If you’re okay with that. If you want to find someone of your own, I completely understand. ”
I knew it would be good for me. I needed to talk to someone about what was going on inside my head.
I wanted to get better. It had been a thought of mine for years.
I was scared to ask for help. Terrified that someone would judge me for wanting to get better.
Or worse. Judge me for what I had become.
“Hey.” Mom tilted my head up. “You can say no, Reed. You can find someone else who you feel more comfortable talking to. Just know that Megan can’t tell us anything about what you discuss with her. It’s the law.”
I nodded and brushed the tears from my cheeks. “I’m scared. What if she thinks I’m a terrible mess and doesn’t want to help me? Or what if I’m too sick, and she has to admit me to the hospital? I can’t do that, Mom. I’m not strong enough. I can’t survive there.”
“You’re not a mess.”
“I feel like one.”
Mom reached over to pull me into another hug. “Sweetie, you’re not. If you don’t want to go into the hospital, you don’t have to do that either. You simply need to talk to her, tell her what’s going on, and she can help you figure things out.”
I started to cry again. Loud, angry sobs that shook my body.
I felt like a failure. Like I wasn’t a good son, boyfriend, or friend.
If I could simply get my head out of my ass, I could be the person everyone needed me to be.
Getting a hold of this eating disorder would be the first step in that direction.
When I was all cried out, my eyes burned, my throat raw, and my body exhausted, I pulled away.
“Feel better?” Mom asked.
I nodded. “A little bit.” Although I wanted to take a shower, put on my pajamas, and curl up in bed. Maybe sleep for a week.
“A good cry always helps me feel better, too.” Mom gave me a sad smile. “Although it’s been a while since I’ve done that.”
I tried to match the smile, but my lips wouldn’t move. “Can you ask Dad to call her? Megan, I mean. And see if she can see me.”
“I can do that,” Mom assured me. She cupped my head in her soft hands and searched my face. “I’m proud of you, Reed. For the man you’ve become. For chasing your dreams. There is nothing you can do that will ever disappoint me or your father. We love you.”
That brought on another round of tears, ones that made me feel guilty for not telling my parents about my eating disorder earlier. And then I thought of Cole. The boy I’d loved since I was sixteen years old. I had hurt him, too. I needed to fix that if I wanted to be with him.
“I think I’m going to go shower,” I told my mother once I was cried out again. I felt mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Mom nodded. “Is there anything you need? Something you’d like for dinner? Or do you want me to just leave you be for now?”
“Chicken Parmesan.” I hadn’t had that in years. It had always been my favorite meal, and Mom made a great one. “But please don’t leave.” I didn’t want to be alone.
Mom kissed my forehead. “Chicken Parmesan it is.”