Chapter 16
Clive had endured a largely sleepless night. Thoughts of Bethany kept replaying in his mind.
She’d really thrown him yesterday. He’d been amazed when she’d asked to accompany him on his mission because he’d convinced himself that she had no real interest in horses any longer. Then her reaction to the mare and foal had really surprised him. He’d seen a side to her that he’d never have expected. A loving, compassionate side that had made him look at her differently.
But then, back at Whispering Willows, when he’d told her about Pepper… He thought about what she had said and how she had looked. It made his heart swell with grief and sorrow for her. She had so much sadness locked away inside of her. So much unresolved pain. She might try to put on a brave face, but he’d seen the truth in her eyes and he’d wanted to hold her and take all that anguish away. His response to her emotional outburst had taken him aback as his own protective instincts kicked in. It was all very new and odd.
He found himself pondering, too, on what she’d said about Joseph being trapped in his life in Whispering Willows.
Was she right? Clive had never thought of it that way before. He’d always taken it for granted that Joseph owned the house for a start. But more than that, he’d assumed that his friend had wanted to stay there because he loved it so much. It held memories of his mother, after all, and Joseph had clearly thought the world of her. He seemed to hold no bitterness towards her, the way Bethany did.
Even so, now that he thought about it, the house must also have held bad memories for him. He remembered what Bethany had told him about Miss Lavender catching Joseph threatening his father with the horse whip. Knowing Joseph the way he did, he knew he must have been pushed to desperation levels to do such a thing. Joseph wasn’t a violent man. Clearly his father’s reputation was well-deserved. He’d been a bully and a tyrant and had obviously given the occupants of Whispering Willows—human and equine—a life of misery.
Given that, why had Joseph stayed?
He’d had money. He could have left the house and gone anywhere. Started again. Made fresh memories and lived a life free of worry and responsibility.
Was Bethany right? Had he stayed out of guilt and grief? Grief was understandable, but what did Joseph have to feel guilty about? Because he couldn’t save Pepper? Is that really why he’d decided to dedicate the rest of his life to rescuing other horses—because he was trying to make amends for the one who’d died on his watch?
He shouldn’t have done that. It was a waste of his life. Clive was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness for his friend. Joseph had done a noble thing, but at what cost? He’d lived in poverty, watching the house crumble around his ears, all to keep his horses fed and well and loved. But he’d had no life of his own. No friends, other than Clive. No partner. No family. Even his own sister had abandoned him.
If Joseph had really sacrificed all those things out of guilt and grief… It didn’t bear thinking about. Bethany was right. It would mean Joseph was just as trapped as his mother ever was.
As light began to creep through the slight gap in the curtains he sat up in bed and stared miserably at the duvet, not seeing it as another thought occurred to him.
Was he trapped, too?
He’d been so concerned about Joseph all this time, but was his life much better? Oh, he was better off financially than Joseph had been, and Stepping Stones was in far better condition than Whispering Willows. He’d spent good money modernising and decorating the flat above the surgery, condemning the old kitchen and bathroom to the tip and replacing shabby carpets with good quality wooden flooring. But was it a home when the only person who ever saw it was himself?
He had friends. Well, more like acquaintances if he was honest. Joseph had, of course, been his best friend for years, and then there’d been Julian…
Clive swallowed. He couldn’t believe it had been almost fourteen years since Julian had passed away. Where had all that time gone? Fourteen years of grieving and wishing and hoping and feeling guilty because he shouldn’t be feeling what he was feeling. What sort of friend had he been to Julian really?
Guilt and grief. Just like Joseph. Maybe it was true. Maybe he really was as trapped as Joseph had been, and for the same reasons.
‘I can’t be like him,’ he murmured to himself, feeling a sudden panic at the thought. Why had he not seen it before? He was stuck. Unable to move on. Unable to love again. All the things he’d missed out on because he’d been too ashamed and afraid to speak up. Well, he couldn’t let that continue because if he didn’t speak up now he really would end up like Joseph.
He didn’t want to spend his dying moments regretting all the chances he’d never taken. All the opportunities he’d missed. All the wonderful things that might have been if he’d only dared to put his thoughts into words. He’d been a coward for far too long.
It was time to be brave.
Clive couldn’t help wondering what on earth he was doing as he trudged up the path of Daisyfield Cottage. It was Saturday and Ben was doing the morning surgery at Stepping Stones, but Jamie might be in, and if he was what excuse would Clive have for visiting?
Come to that, what excuse did he have if Jennifer answered the door? He couldn’t just blurt out the reason for his visit. It needed careful handling—a slow building up to telling her how he felt about her.
At the thought of that, he swallowed hard and almost turned round again. Only the thought of Joseph dying with a head full of regrets prevented him from running away as fast as he could from this ordeal.
But what if she laughed at him? Or was outraged?
What if she’s been waiting for me to say something?
He ran a hand through his sandy-coloured hair, his mind whirling with confusion.
Maybe he should just wait a bit longer…
The front door flew open, and Jamie hurried out. He looked surprised to see Clive but didn’t ask questions.
‘Morning. I’m just on my way out but Mum’s in. Go straight in, she won’t mind.’
Dazed, Clive watched as he hurried down the path without showing the slightest interest in why Clive was there. Clearly he’d been overthinking this.
Despite Jamie telling him to go straight in, Clive knocked hesitantly on the slightly open door and called Jennifer’s name. He heard a slightly surprised response and then Jennifer appeared in the hallway.
‘Oh, Clive!’ She looked anxiously around, and he realised she wasn’t anywhere near as calm as she’d been when they’d been in company, having dinner at the cottage.
‘Sorry. Jamie said it was okay to come in.’ Even though he hadn’t obeyed the instruction, as he was still hovering on the doorstep.
Jennifer seemed to realise that as she shook her head impatiently and said, ‘I’m so sorry. Of course, come in.’
He took a steadying breath and told himself to remain calm, then followed her through to the kitchen where she immediately put the kettle on.
‘Tea? Coffee?’
‘Tea would be grand, thank you.’
He didn’t really want a drink at all and couldn’t imagine being able to swallow a single mouthful of the stuff, but it was what people did, wasn’t it? Drank tea and made polite conversation. Oh hell, he really wished he hadn’t started this.
‘So, what was it you came for?’ Jennifer asked. Her blue eyes, so like Ben’s, were wide and anxious. ‘There’s nothing wrong, is there?’
‘Oh no, no.’ He hurried to reassure her. ‘Everything’s fine.’
‘And how’s it going at Whispering Willows?’ She busied herself making tea, her back to him now. ‘Are you getting on well with Bethany? It was lovely to see her again after all this time. She seems very nice.’
‘Aye, she’s all right,’ he admitted, surprised to find himself agreeing with her statement. Not so long ago he would have said she was a nightmare, but he’d softened his opinion of her lately. Like Lennox and Maya he was grateful that she’d turned up every morning to cook them a breakfast. She really didn’t have to do that, but she’d insisted, and he had to admit it was good when they sat together in the kitchen, chatting and laughing with the two teenagers.
And then there was her reaction to the rescued foal and mare which, he couldn’t deny, had touched him deeply. He hadn’t expected her to get so emotionally involved after how adamant she’d been that she wanted rid of Whispering Willows. She’d even helped a bit with the mucking out and poo picking, which had amused Maya and Lennox no end.
And what she’d said about her mother and the rest of her family… She was obviously grieving deeply and carried a lot of emotional baggage. It had given him a new insight and understanding of her character and made him think she wasn’t anything like the woman he’d assumed her to be after their first meeting.
‘I really liked her. She’s been through a lot,’ Jennifer said, handing him a mug of tea.
‘Haven’t we all?’ The words were out before he could stop them, and he could have kicked himself as she paled slightly and hurriedly turned away.
‘Shall we go through to the living room?’
She led the way and he followed meekly, cursing himself for reminding her of everything she’d been through. The last thing he wanted was for her to start dwelling on the past again. She needed to look to the future and all its possibilities. They both did.
They sat on opposite sides of the living room, as if they couldn’t put enough space between them. Clive sipped tea and cringed inwardly at the awkward silence. He just couldn’t think how to start the conversation.
In the end, it was Jennifer who broke the impasse.
‘So, what’s brought you here, Clive?’
His stomach flipped with nerves, and he carefully put the mug on the occasional table next to his armchair.
‘It’s—it’s a bit difficult to explain.’ His mouth felt dry, even though he’d just sipped tea. He was finding it hard to formulate a sentence, never mind pour his heart out to her.
‘That sounds ominous,’ she said. ‘It’s not about Ben, is it? Don’t tell me you’re cutting his hours or laying him off?’
‘Oh no, nothing like that! I really couldn’t manage without him. He’s an absolute godsend.’
She smiled. ‘I’m so glad. He thinks the world of you, you know, and he’s so happy at Stepping Stones.’
‘I think the world of him, too,’ Clive admitted. He rubbed his forehead, trying to muster up the courage to add, and you.
‘You can tell me anything,’ Jennifer said gently. ‘I think I know what this is about anyway.’
His head shot up. ‘You do?’
‘Oh, Clive, you and I have known each other a long time. Did you really think I wouldn’t know?’
He gulped, wishing there was whisky in his mug instead of tea. Although, if there had been he’d have drunk the lot by now.
‘It’s Joseph, isn’t it?’ she said kindly. ‘I understand, I really do. He was your best friend, and it must be so hard being without him. Especially since you’re at Whispering Willows every day, where his presence must be everywhere.’
Clive’s shoulders sagged with relief. ‘Oh.’
‘I know exactly how you feel. It was so hard being at Monk’s Folly. I could feel Julian and Leon everywhere. I thought the pain was going to crush me, I really did. It felt, sometimes, as if I were being buried alive. But you know, Clive, it will get better. It really will.’ She nodded reassuringly at him, her eyes warm with sympathy. ‘Especially when Summer gets back from Australia, and you can return to your own job. A break from Whispering Willows will do you the world of good and you’ll start to move on at last. I promise you.’
Clive nodded dumbly, misery settling on him like a heavy cloak. How could he tell her now, after that little speech? He should go. This was getting him nowhere.
He was about to get to his feet when something stopped him. The thought of Joseph, lying in that hospice bed during those last days of his illness. Had he been thinking of the years he’d wasted? What had been going through his mind in his last hours of lucidity? Regret?
Clive couldn’t let that happen to him.
‘Talking of moving on…’ It wasn’t how he’d meant to start the conversation, but she’d given him an opening and he seized on it. ‘Jennifer, I’m here to talk about us.’
He could see from the look of shock on her face that it was the last thing she’d expected.
‘Us?’ she asked faintly.
He nodded. No going back now. As that television quiz show host often said, he’d started so he’d finish.
‘You know how I feel about you.’
Jennifer gripped the mug of tea and stared at him. ‘Clive…’
‘I love you,’ he told her desperately. He had to say it out loud right there and then or he probably never would. ‘I’ve always loved you. Ever since the day I met you, even though I tried so hard not to. But you know that, don’t you?’
‘Clive, don’t.’ Jennifer put down her mug of tea and faced him calmly. ‘This is ridiculous. All these years! Surely you’ve put this nonsense behind you by now?’
He felt icy cold suddenly. ‘Nonsense?’
She shook her head. ‘Oh, come on, Clive. We’ve known each other years. Whatever you might have once felt for me you should be past all that now. We’ve barely spoken since—since Julian passed.’
‘I didn’t know what to say to you,’ he admitted. ‘I was lost. Drowning in my own grief for him, and so ashamed. He was one of my best friends. I should never have let my feelings for you develop, I know that.’
‘It was all a long time ago,’ she said firmly. ‘I can’t think about all that now, I really can’t.’
He gave her an anguished look. ‘But as you said, it was a long time ago. Time to move on, surely? We can’t be alone and unhappy forever. Julian would understand, you know he would, and?—’
‘Oh, I’m quite sure he would,’ she said bitterly. ‘But do I get any say in this?’
His heart sank. She didn’t feel the same, did she? If she did, surely she’d be glad that he’d brought the subject up? She looked as if she wished he’d never come here today. He was wishing the same thing.
She seemed to recognise the look of desolation on his face because her expression softened.
‘Clive, you’re a good man, you really are. The fact is, though, I don’t love you. And if you really think about it, you’ll see that you don’t love me either. This is just something you’ve told yourself all these years to justify your feelings for me back then. To make it matter. The truth is, as you say, we’ve barely spoken for over fourteen years. That’s not love. You’re clinging to the past, and I don’t blame you for it. I did the same thing, after all. I wallowed in it, in fact. But that’s over now. I don’t want to go back; I want to go forward. I have a job now, and a lovely new home where I’m very happy. My children are doing well and they’re happy, too. I don’t need a relationship—particularly one as complicated as it would be with you.’
‘It doesn’t have to be complicated,’ he mumbled.
‘You’re Ben’s employer. You were Julian’s dear friend.’ She shook her head. ‘You know as well as I do it would be exceptionally complicated, and all packaged up in bad memories, pain, and unhappiness. I don’t want that, and neither should you.’
‘So what do I do now?’ he asked desperately. ‘Have you any idea how hard it’s been to wait for you?’
‘Not that hard,’ she said. ‘Be reasonable, Clive. If it had been that bad you’d have spoken to me long before now. I think you’ve just convinced yourself that your future lies with me, and now that Joseph’s gone you’re panicking. You don’t want to end up with regrets, so you’ve decided it’s time to act.’
Her perception staggered him and left him unable to answer her. She smiled.
‘I can see I’m right. You’re a good man and you deserve so much more. Your future’s not with me, Clive. You need to look elsewhere and let this dream go.’
‘Elsewhere?’ He gave a short laugh. ‘I don’t think that’s going to happen, do you?’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘How are…’
She shook her head, evidently having decided not to finish what she’d been about to say.
Clive watched her, puzzled. ‘How are what?’
‘It doesn’t matter. Forget I said anything.’
‘But you didn’t say anything,’ he pointed out. ‘Not really. Yet you clearly want to, so why don’t you just say it?’
‘Maybe,’ she said thoughtfully, ‘because I don’t know if you’re ready to hear it.’
He heaved a sigh. ‘The kind of day I’m having I might as well hear whatever you’ve got to say to me.’
She hesitated then nodded. ‘Okay, well if you must know, I was just going to ask how you and Bethany are getting along.’
He gave her a puzzled look. ‘Me and Bethany? What does that have to do with…’ Suddenly realising what she was implying he stared at her in amazement. ‘You can’t be serious? Me and Bethany?’
‘Well,’ she said, picking up her mug and taking a sip of tea before shrugging slightly, ‘I wouldn’t rule it out. Oh, don’t look so dumbfounded! It must have crossed your mind?’
When he continued to stare at her she said, ‘Really, men are so oblivious at times. I saw her at the open day at Monk’s Folly. She couldn’t take her eyes off you, Clive. Did you really not notice?’
He opened and closed his mouth, too staggered to reply.
‘I’ll take that as a no,’ she said, her eyes twinkling with amusement. ‘If the Pennyfeather sisters were taking bets on it, I’d definitely place my money on you and her getting together. She looked quite the smitten kitten. Trust me. I notice these things.’
‘B—Bethany?’ He couldn’t quite believe it. Of course it hadn’t crossed his mind. Why would it? Then he thought about his reaction to her grief yesterday and how thoughts of her had kept him awake for most of the night. Remembering how he’d wanted to take her pain away and protect her from all those bad memories, he wondered if he was being completely honest with himself.
But he’d noticed nothing in Bethany’s behaviour to indicate she was interested in him. Jennifer said she’d been watching him at Monk’s Folly? Seriously?
His heart thudded at the thought, and he reached for his tea, stunned by this unexpected turn of events.
‘I’m not the woman for you, Clive,’ Jennifer said gently. ‘But maybe Bethany is. Why don’t you give her a chance?’
‘She’s—she’s leaving Tuppenny Bridge soon,’ he said, feeling dazed. ‘There’d be no point.’
‘Maybe she wouldn’t leave if she had something worth staying for,’ she pointed out. ‘Isn’t it worth exploring anyway? Better than wasting your life away dreaming of something that’s never going to happen.’
Wow, that was brutal! But she had a point. Even so, Bethany?
He wasn’t sure how to feel about it all. She was Joseph’s sister, and given how she felt about him, that could be even more complicated than a romance with Julian’s widow.
He gulped down the rest of his tea, not sure what to think any more.
‘I can see you’re a bit confused,’ Jennifer said kindly. She got to her feet. ‘Wait there. I’ve baked the most delicious red velvet cake and I’d love you to try it. You can give me your verdict while you think about what I’ve just said.’
He nodded and as she passed he said, ‘Thank you.’
‘For the cake or the advice?’ She smiled. ‘Either way, you’re welcome. It’s what old friends do, isn’t it? And that’s what we are. Old friends.’
He nodded.
Message received and understood.