Chapter 23
Bethany almost changed her mind about moving into Whispering Willows. Summer was so hostile around her that she didn’t feel welcome there at all and had to keep reminding herself that it was her house, and she was entitled to be there.
Summer had boycotted future breakfasts with them, saying she’d eat at home and start work while the others ate in the kitchen.
Maya and Lennox had quickly discovered what was behind her odd behaviour and couldn’t hide their own resentment. Maya especially had been hurt and bewildered by Bethany’s decision.
‘I thought you loved the horses,’ she said accusingly. ‘Yet here you are about to chuck them onto the streets like they don’t matter at all.’
‘I’m not going to make them homeless,’ Bethany told her. ‘I’ll find them good homes first, I promise.’
‘They’ve already got a good home,’ Maya said sulkily. ‘The best. At least, it was when Joseph was here.’
With that she’d flounced out of the kitchen and, after a longing look at his half-eaten breakfast, Lennox had followed her.
It seemed she was persona non grata at Whispering Willows. The hardest part was that she didn’t blame them. They had every right to be angry with her.
At least Clive was on her side. Well, maybe not on her side—after all, he wanted the horse sanctuary to stay open as much as anyone—but he understood and seemed to have accepted her wish to sell, even if he didn’t agree with it.
When she’d tearfully admitted to him that she felt terrible about Summer and hurt by Maya and Lennox, even though she didn’t blame them in the slightest, he’d put an arm around her shoulders and told her she had to do what was best for her.
‘But you wish the sanctuary could stay open, don’t you?’ she said, gazing up at him.
Clive gave a heavy sigh. ‘I’d be lying if I said I was happy about its future,’ he admitted. ‘It meant so much to Joseph, and working here you can’t help but be invested in these animals and worried about what happens to them. But you’ve promised they’ll get good homes, and you won’t close the place until they’re all rehomed, and I can’t ask any more of you than that.’
‘I just feel so guilty,’ she confessed. ‘I can barely look the young ones in the eye.’
‘But you can’t stay here out of guilt,’ he said. ‘In the end, you have to do what makes you happy. What feels right for you. It’s a terrible shame that the two things don’t align, but there it is. All you can do is make sure you do the right thing by our residents.’
‘You’re taking it so much better than the kids have,’ Bethany said with a miserable sniff.
‘Aye, well, I’ve had longer to get my head around it. You were straight with me from the beginning,’ he reminded her. ‘You never gave me any real reason to believe you’d changed your mind. This is a shock to Summer and the others, but they’ll come to terms with it in the end. Give them time.’
‘But they’ll never really forgive me,’ she said wistfully. ‘I thought we were getting close, becoming a unit. They’ve—they’ve told me they won’t be coming for breakfast any longer.’
‘Well, their hours will be changing in a couple of days anyway,’ he said reasonably. ‘They’ll only be doing Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons. Probably don’t think it’s worth it.’
‘That’s not the reason and you know it. They could still come here for breakfast on Saturday mornings. And Summer’s here every day but she’s said no. I guess it will just be you and me from now on.’
Clive had shuffled awkwardly and removed his arm from around her shoulders.
‘About that… Really, there’s no point. I can sort myself out for the rest of the week and I’m back at Stepping Stones from Monday. Honestly, you might as well have a lie-in. And you’re moving in here on Saturday, so you’ll not have time to cook anyway.’
‘I see,’ she said sadly.
‘It was a lovely thing to do,’ he assured her, ‘but that time’s past now. Things are changing here, and we’ve got to accept that. All of us,’ he added heavily.
He was right, but it hurt. And she had to admit, it hurt even more that Clive seemed to have accepted she was leaving and made no more attempts to talk her out of it.
She knew she was being unreasonable and unfair but even so…
Briefly, she considered staying at Lavender House after all. Did she really want to be around Summer and the others when they seemed so hostile towards her? Only the fact that she’d already told Miss Lavender she would be leaving, and that she wanted to be around to oversee the work at Whispering Willows made her go through with her plans.
Saturday was an emotional day. Bethany arrived at around nine o’clock feeling quite wrung out after a fond farewell from Miss Lavender.
Her generous host had made her a hearty breakfast and given her a ‘welcome to your new home’ card, which Bethany thought couldn’t have been more inappropriate if it tried. She’d also presented her with a bouquet of extravagant looking blooms, ‘to cheer the place up’. Bethany thought it would take more than some expensive flowers to brighten Whispering Willows, but she was grateful to Miss Lavender for trying.
She’d then been hugged and assured by the old lady that she was welcome at Lavender House at any time, and if there was ever anything else she needed she only had to say the word.
Bethany had been moved to tears by her generosity and had promised to keep in touch. This time she meant it.
It hadn’t taken much effort to pack up her few belongings and remove all traces of herself from Lavender House. As she drove into the yard at Whispering Willows she kept a wary eye out for Summer but there was no sign of her, or anyone else for that matter. She guessed Maya and Lennox had already gone home. As for Clive—maybe he was with Summer somewhere out in the fields.
She carried her small suitcase and the bouquet of flowers into the house and closed the door behind her, taking a deep breath. So here she was, back again. Had she done the right thing?
‘It’s just a house,’ she murmured, filling the sink, and placing the flowers in the water for now. ‘No one can hurt you ever again.’
The trouble was, she knew that wasn’t true. Her parents and Joseph were gone, and if she could just learn to let go of the past their actions could no longer make her miserable. Deep down she knew that.
But Clive was a different matter altogether. He had a powerful effect on her and was in her thoughts constantly. She didn’t want to examine the reason for that too closely because she had a feeling that, if she did, she’d have to open herself up to the possibility of her heart being broken yet again.
So it wasn’t exactly true that no one could ever hurt her again. Clive could. The only thing that offered her comfort was knowing he was a good, honest man and not likely to play games with her feelings. If only she could figure out what those feelings were.
After making herself a cup of tea and gathering her strength it was time to do the thing she’d dreaded.
She picked up her case and carried it upstairs, pausing on the landing as she considered her options. She’d avoided going in these rooms all this time. Now she knew there was no more putting it off. She’d already decided which room would be hers so she could have chosen not to investigate the others, but somehow, having decided to move back in here, she knew it was time to face her demons.
Taking a steadying breath she opened the door to her old room. It was almost exactly as she’d left it all those years ago, except for one puzzling thing. There was a rocking horse in one corner. It was well crafted, and looked like something from a storybook, with a dapple-grey coat, a black mane and tail, and large, dark eyes. It wasn’t very big. Clearly it was meant for a young child. There was something familiar about it, but she couldn’t think what it was. Anyway, what was it doing in her room? In fact, what was it doing in Whispering Willows at all?
There hadn’t been young children in this house since she was little. Had there? She thought she’d ask Clive about that. It was a complete mystery to her.
Putting that aside she already knew she didn’t want to stay in this room. It was quite small and overlooked the side of the house, and, besides, she wasn’t sure it was somewhere she wanted to be any longer. Not with all the memories it held for her.
Joseph’s room overlooked the stableyard and was larger, but there was no way she was ever going to sleep there. As for her parents’ room…
She opened the door and peered in, her heart thudding as if she expected to find them both sitting up in bed. Not that they’d be together. Her father had spent a lot of nights sleeping out, and she didn’t have to guess where he’d been. Even when he was at home he’d taken to sleeping in the box room. Bethany wondered if that had ever upset her mother, or if it had come as a relief to her. Even after she’d passed away he’d continued to sleep in that small room he’d made his own. She’d liked to think he felt too guilty to return to the marital bedroom but doubted it.
Nothing had been changed in here. It was like a shrine, and she wondered if that had been deliberate on Joseph’s part, or if he simply hadn’t had the heart to do anything about it. She shivered, seeing the dressing table with her mother’s hairbrush laid out as if it were waiting for her to sit down and start using it. Her eyes strayed to the mirror, and she fancied, for a moment, that she could see her mother sitting there, brushing her hair, that familiar vacant expression on her face.
Terence Wilkinson had destroyed her, but how, Bethany suddenly asked herself, had he done that? Did it mean Coral had truly loved him once? Because surely, no man could break your heart the way he’d broken hers if you didn’t love him? Or was it the lack of love that had broken her? Had she realised she’d never experienced true love and never would, and that was why she’d given up on her hopes and dreams, her marriage—her life?
She felt too sad to linger any longer in this room and closed the door gently behind her. For the first time in many years she felt more compassion than anger towards the woman who’d been so lacking in hope that she’d found nothing left to live for. Bethany had experienced sadness and betrayal, and she’d had times when she wondered what the point of anything was, but she’d never come close to feeling as wretched as her mother must have felt. She was, she realised now, very lucky. She wished her mother had been as fortunate.
There were two more bedrooms up here. The box room, naturally, which she had no intention of going in, and the one next to it which had been laughingly referred to as the guest room, even though they’d never had guests to stay as far as Bethany could remember.
She pushed open the door and stepped inside. It was here that Clive had stayed while Joseph had been ill, and she could understand why he’d chosen it. The carpet was frayed, and the wallpaper was faded, but it had a large window which overlooked the paddocks with views to the river and hills beyond, and it was easily big enough for a double bed, a large wardrobe, and a dressing table. Other than her parents’ bedroom it was the biggest room on this floor, and she’d already decided it would be the perfect place for her to stay while the work was being done on the house.
After unpacking her case and hanging her clothes in the old wardrobe, Bethany set to work making the bed. She’d bought new bedding during the week, having made a trip to Kirkby Skimmer. She could have ordered it online, but she’d needed an escape, and it had to be said her day out had done her the world of good.
Kirkby Skimmer, the largest town in Skimmerdale, was a pretty place with lots of independent shops. She’d revelled in the May sunshine, and for the first time in ages she’d felt normal as she walked among residents, holidaymakers, and day-trippers, completely anonymous and feeling relaxed for once.
The shops were quite expensive, but she hadn’t cared. She’d chosen two lots of good quality bedding, new pillows and a duvet, and some new towels, plus a few little bits and pieces that would make whichever bedroom she chose a bit more bearable.
She’d purchased a new three-piece suite as well because she couldn’t stand that awful old sofa any longer. It would take a few weeks to arrive but at least it was on its way. She reasoned that it wasn’t a waste of money as she could take it with her when she left, even if that meant putting it in storage until she found a house of her own. She could also take the double bed she’d impulsively ordered, which would be delivered in a week’s time.
Straightening the duvet she stepped back and admired the new bedding. She’d chosen well. It was pretty and brightened the room up. She decided she’d put Miss Lavender’s flowers on the bedside table, as they would cheer the bedroom even more.
Heading downstairs she hunted in the kitchen for a vase. She should have thought about that. The bouquet might have to stay where it was for the foreseeable if she couldn’t find one. In the end she found two, shoved under the sink. One was a large, rose-patterned jug that looked vaguely familiar, the other a smaller ceramic container which looked more like a miniature milk churn. It was too small for the bouquet, so she left it in its place and set to work arranging the flowers in the jug.
It was a gorgeous bouquet of gold and purple blooms, including roses and lisianthus. Bethany wasn’t familiar with the names of most flowers, but she could appreciate a beautiful display when she saw one. These must have cost a fortune, and it was very kind of Miss Lavender to think of her. She would take the jug upstairs later but for now it could stay on the mantelpiece in the living room. At least it would add a bit of cheer to the dingy room.
She thought wistfully that it would be nice to have Viva back here. She could do with some company and the little bichon frise was such a sweet, friendly dog. Was she missing her old home? Maybe she’d like to come back here. She dismissed the idea almost immediately, realising it wouldn’t be the kindest thing to do. She couldn’t let Viva settle back here then uproot her again, sending her back to Clive when Whispering Willows was sold. That’s if Clive would even part with her. He was clearly attached to her, and Bethany had no right even to ask.
She glanced out of the kitchen window, just in time to see Summer coming out of a loosebox pushing a wheelbarrow. She didn’t even glance over at the house, though she must have seen Bethany’s car and knew she was moving in today. No chance of a thaw there any time soon.
Rummaging in the cupboard under the sink she found some dusters and polish and set to work polishing and dusting the living room. She’d hired a team of cleaners to come in last week and they’d done an amazing job of washing and scrubbing the house. The place had been thoroughly deep cleaned, and even the old bathroom looked halfway decent, but dust had a habit of accumulating so she might as well keep on top of it.
She put Joseph’s old radio on as she worked, singing along to some hits of the eighties as she valiantly tried to keep her spirits up. She needed to feel at home here, at least for a short while. She couldn’t let Whispering Willows drag her down again. Vaguely she thought she heard the back door open and wondered if Summer had come in to use the toilet or get herself a drink. Since there was no point in trying to talk to her she continued working, so when she heard Clive’s voice behind her she almost leapt into the air in fright.
‘Working well there, Bethany.’
She spun round, duster in her hand, her face burning as she switched off the radio. ‘I didn’t realise you were here!’
‘No, well, I’ve been a bit busy.’
He stepped forward and handed her a small bunch of flowers.
‘Housewarming gift,’ he said awkwardly, then nodded ruefully at the jug on the mantelpiece. ‘Mind, I can see someone’s beaten me to it, and they look a lot better than these.’
‘Oh no, I love them!’
Bethany’s enthusiasm was as great as her surprise. Clive had chosen a pretty, informal bouquet of colourful mixed spring flowers, cobalt blue sea holly, and—she inhaled the scent and smiled—eucalyptus leaves.
‘They’re gorgeous!’ she enthused. ‘And I love the sea holly. They remind me of Scotland and thistles.’
‘Aye, me too,’ he said, smiling with clear relief. ‘You like them then?’
‘I love them! These,’ she added firmly, ‘can go in my bedroom to cheer me up every morning when I wake up. I’ve got just the vase for them, too.’
She hurried back into the kitchen and set to work arranging the flowers in the milk churn container.
‘There, don’t they look gorgeous?’
‘They do,’ he agreed. ‘I’m glad you like them. I admit, my heart sank when I saw that gorgeous bouquet in the living room. Who bought you those?’
‘Miss Lavender,’ she told him. ‘Wasn’t it kind of her? She got me a card, too.’ She pulled one of the drawers open and took it from where she’d stashed it, not keen on putting it up on display.
He glanced at it and raised an eyebrow. ‘New home? It’s hardly that.’
‘Exactly, but she was being thoughtful, bless her. Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘I’d love one if you’re not too busy. If you want to get on with cleaning I’ll make us both one,’ he offered.
‘I’ve finished for now,’ she said hastily, putting the duster and polish back under the sink. ‘I’m ready for a cuppa myself.’
She filled the kettle and took out two mugs as Clive sat at the table.
‘Did you get the flowers from Petalicious?’ she enquired, as a way of breaking the sudden silence that had fallen.
‘No. I got them from a florist’s down in Upper Wharfedale,’ he told her. ‘On my way back.’
‘Your way back?’ She dropped teabags into both mugs and spooned sugar into his. ‘Where have you been? I thought I hadn’t seen you around,’ she added, hoping she sounded casual and not as if she’d been fretting about his whereabouts ever since she’d got here.
‘I was over there making some enquiries on your behalf.’
The kettle clicked and, rather shakily, Bethany poured boiling water into the mugs. ‘What sort of enquiries?’
‘I hope you don’t mind,’ he said, sounding a bit worried. ‘I just wanted to help take some of the burden from you, so I got in touch with a donkey sanctuary down there to see if there was any chance of them taking our wee girls. They said they could, so I drove over today to have a look around the place.’
Bethany placed the mugs of tea on the table and sat next to him.
‘And?’
He shrugged. ‘Can’t fault it. It’s well run, clean, efficient. They have lots of very contented donkeys there and they obviously care. I think the girls would be happy and well looked after.’
Bethany swallowed, thinking of elderly Diamond and Sapphire, cheeky Oona, and gentle Mayflower. It suddenly all seemed very real.
‘Have they said they’ll take them then?’ she asked hesitantly, surprised to find she was half hoping he’d say no.
‘They can, but not for a few weeks. They’ve just bought some more land and they’re donkey-proofing it, plus they’re having new shelters built. They reckon it should be ready for them some time in June. Not too long for you to wait, right?’
Not long at all.
‘Summer’s going to be devastated,’ she murmured, cradling her mug of tea.
‘She’s going to be devastated whatever we do,’ he said gently. ‘At least this way she knows they’ll be looked after. We were lucky they’d just expanded the premises or there’d have been no room for them.’ He eyed her with some concern. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes, yes of course.’
‘And you didn’t mind me acting on your behalf?’
‘Not at all. It was very kind of you.’
‘They gave me a number of an animal sanctuary that might be able to take some of the other residents,’ he said. ‘It’s a bit further away, on the North York Moors in a village called Bramblewick, but she said they’re very good. She doesn’t know if they can take all the horses and ponies but thought they might have room for some of them. What do you think?’
She should have been thrilled, so why did she have a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach? Summer, she thought dully. That was the problem. She knew Summer would never forgive her and that she was about to break the girl’s heart. That was why she wasn’t feeling more relieved.
‘I could ring them for you?’ he suggested tentatively. ‘If you like?’
‘Thank you,’ she said gratefully, acknowledging that it wasn’t his responsibility, and she didn’t deserve his thoughtfulness. ‘You’re very kind.’
‘I promised Joseph I’d make sure his animals were taken care of,’ he said roughly. ‘I intend to keep that promise.’
She gulped down some tea. So it wasn’t really about her at all then. This was all about his obligation to her brother. She should have known. ‘I’ll keep looking, too,’ she promised. ‘To find decent homes for the rest of them, I mean.’ It was, after all, the least she could do.
He glanced around the kitchen. ‘How does it feel to be back properly? Have you been upstairs yet?’
‘I have,’ she said lightly, keen to hide her disappointment from him. ‘I’ve put my things in the room you stayed in. My old room’s too small and, besides, it has bad memories. As for the other rooms…’
‘I can imagine,’ he said sympathetically. ‘Must be very hard for you, especially given the circumstances.’
‘At least my mother didn’t die here,’ she said. ‘In this house, I mean. That’s something.’
No, she’d taken herself away to the banks of the Skimmer at the boundary of her property. There she’d taken the mixture of drugs she’d somehow hidden from her husband and doctor, lay down beneath the long, drooping branches of one of the willow trees, closed her eyes and allowed her life to ebb away from her.
‘You won’t recognise it by the time it’s finished,’ he said encouragingly. ‘When do the decorators arrive?’
‘Not for another fortnight. The electrician’s coming next week to put the new sockets and light fittings in, and Ava’s put me on to a good builder so I’m going to contact him next about the stables. I need him to look over that block which is bulging. He might be able to recommend a roofer, too. I wouldn’t be surprised if the stables need a completely new roof. Oh, and the doors will need replacing, too. Probably the windows as well.’ She managed a weak smile. ‘Summer should approve of that anyway.’
He didn’t look convinced, and she thought he was probably right. Why would Summer care if the stables were repaired at last when it was too late for the horses and ponies she loved? If any horses reaped the benefit of the renovations they wouldn’t be Whispering Willows’ horses. And, if Bethany was being really honest with herself, the chances were the stables would be converted into a holiday let, so there’d be no equines in there at all once Chester and Barney stopped using them.
She sighed inwardly and sipped her tea, not really tasting it. Then she remembered something and frowned.
‘Clive, did Joseph ever mention a rocking horse to you?’
He gave her a puzzled look. ‘Rocking horse? No, why?’
‘There’s one in my room,’ she told him. ‘My old room, I mean. It definitely wasn’t mine and I assume I’m the last child who ever lived here, so what’s it doing here? Who does it belong to?’
‘I have no idea,’ he confessed. ‘As far as I know there were no children here. Certainly not while I’ve been living in Tuppenny Bridge. I can’t imagine what it’s doing here.’
‘Strange. It’s really pretty and just the sort of rocking horse I’d have loved when I was little, but…’ She shrugged. ‘Oh well. Just another question Joseph will never be able to answer.’
Clive watched her curiously. ‘What were the other questions?’ He shook his head. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to pry.’
Bethany hesitated. ‘Did he ever tell you what happened with Glenn?’ she asked, almost reluctantly.
He looked surprised. ‘Glenn?’
‘My ex-fiancé,’ she said flatly. ‘The man I thought was going to rescue me from this terrible place. You know, the handsome prince saving Rapunzel from the tower?’
Clive gave her a gentle smile. ‘No, sorry. He never mentioned him.’
‘No,’ she said bitterly. ‘I don’t suppose he would.’
‘But you could tell me,’ he said. ‘If you want to. No pressure,’ he added as she shifted in her chair. ‘Just, I’m always ready to listen if you ever want to talk.’
Her heart raced as she looked into his kindly grey eyes. She knew he would listen, and he would probably be sympathetic. But how far would that sympathy go, given his history?
Even so, if she wanted a chance with this man she knew it was time to be honest.
‘I thought I loved him,’ she admitted. ‘Well, obviously or I wouldn’t have got engaged to him, would I? Looking back at it now I can see it wasn’t love, or anything close. I just wanted an escape route. I was nineteen. I wasn’t going to inherit anything from Mother until my twenty-first birthday and I was desperate to get away. Glenn seemed like the perfect solution. He was kind and funny and made me feel like the most important girl in the world.’
‘How did you meet him?’ Clive asked curiously. ‘Was he from this town?’
‘No. His father owned a chain of pubs, and he was considering buying The Lady Dorothy at the time. Glenn had been sent here to look it over and decide if it was worth pursuing. He was invited to a tour of the Lusty Tup Brewery while he was here, and Joseph was in charge of showing him around. He invited Glenn back to Whispering Willows as a courtesy, since Glenn was staying in a hotel and didn’t know anyone in the area, and they’d already struck up a friendship. As soon as I saw him I convinced myself he was the man for me, and I’m not lying when I say he gave me every impression that he was pretty keen on me, too.’ She ran a hand through her hair, her face burning with humiliation as she remembered how na?ve she’d been.
‘So, what happened?’ he asked. ‘How soon were you engaged?’
‘Very soon,’ she admitted. ‘Too soon. I should have thought it was odd. He was almost desperate to get that ring on my finger, and his father was over the moon, while mine was furious. I must admit, that was part of the attraction. Knowing my father didn’t want me to get married and that he was powerless to stop me felt good.
‘But although I was glad Glenn’s dad was happy for us, he seemed almost too eager. He started planning the wedding before I’d even had chance to absorb the fact that I was going to be married. Joseph did try to warn me. He said it was happening way too fast and I should think about what I was doing. He said he didn’t think Glenn was the right man for me. Naturally I didn’t listen. I loved Joseph, but I thought he just didn’t understand love. He’d never had a girlfriend and I figured he never would. He was way too introverted. He didn’t really go anywhere to meet anyone, except work. Even so, despite his own lack of experience, he seemed adamant that Glenn was wrong for me, and I should slow down.’
She noticed Clive was looking pensive.
‘Are you sure you don’t know about this?’ she asked suspiciously.
He took her hand, and she felt her insides melt as he squeezed her fingers.
‘I promise I don’t,’ he said softly, ‘but I’ve an awful feeling I can guess.’
‘You knew about Joseph then?’ she asked.
‘Aye. He never hid that side of himself from me and why should he?’
‘I wish he’d hidden it from Glenn,’ she said bitterly. ‘As you’ve no doubt realised, the two of them were having an affair behind my back. And his father knew, of course. Oh, not about Joseph, but about Glenn’s sexual preferences. That was why he’d practically steamrollered us into getting married. Couldn’t believe his luck.’
‘How did you find out?’ Clive’s thumb stroked the palm of her hand, making her shivery. It was almost enough to soothe the pain of those awful memories. Almost.
‘In the worst possible way. I walked in on them in the stables. It was the day before my wedding, can you believe it? I was supposed to be picking up the orders of service from the printer in Limmer-on-Skimmer but I only got as far as Chestnut Lane when the car broke down.’ She gave a tight smile. ‘It had never played up before. Was it fate, do you think? I’ve often wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t walked back to Whispering Willows to see if I could borrow Joseph’s car. Would I ever have found out? Would Joseph have stood back and let me marry Glenn, all the while knowing they were in a relationship? Would they have carried on their tawdry affair behind my back?’
‘He wouldn’t do that,’ Clive said, then bit his lip. ‘Then again, I wouldn’t have said he’d ever sleep with your fiancé. I’m sorry, Bethany. It must have been awful for you.’
‘That doesn’t begin to cover it,’ she said. ‘I was devastated. He, on the other hand, seemed more concerned that I’d tell Father. He was terrified in fact. I broke it off with Glenn and I never saw him again. As far as I was concerned both he and Joseph were dead to me.’
She inhaled sharply and Clive squeezed her hand again. ‘Did you tell your father?’ he asked.
‘No I didn’t.’ She couldn’t take credit for that though. She wasn’t so noble as he might suppose. ‘Not for Joseph’s sake. I didn’t care if he was shamed. No, it was for Magnus. I told you what Father was like. How he punished our animals instead of us. I couldn’t even bear to imagine what he might do to Magnus if he found out Joseph had slept with Glenn. Not that he’d be bothered by my broken engagement, but he was never the most liberal minded of men. He’d have been disgusted if he knew Joseph was gay and Magnus could well have been punished for what Father perceived to be Joseph’s sin. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be responsible for his suffering.’
She wiped away a tear. ‘Anyway, after enduring a couple of months with Father gloating at my broken engagement and Joseph skulking around in silence, avoiding me at all costs, I accepted Helena’s offer to move in with her in her flat in York. I’d been talking to her on the phone for weeks, pouring out my feelings, and she was furious on my behalf. She kept telling me that Joseph didn’t deserve to be forgiven when he quite clearly wasn’t going to apologise, and that I should leave home and start again. Finally, I agreed. I left in the early hours the next day. I did a secretarial course in York and got jobs temping for an agency, which was how I met Ted. You know the rest.’
‘So that’s why you left Tuppenny Bridge,’ he said sadly. ‘Such a shame for you both. And you’ve stayed angry with Joseph all these years, even though he didn’t stay with Glenn? Even though you realised you never really loved Glenn?’
‘Are you judging me?’ she asked, feeling a surge of resentment.
‘Not at all,’ he said. ‘It’s just, well, it seems an awful long time to nurse a grudge. I know, I know!’ He held up his hands. ‘He broke your heart. He betrayed you. He let you down. I get all that. But thirty odd years, Bethany? Even after you’d married Ted and moved on?’
‘You don’t understand,’ she said bitterly.
‘Then explain it to me. I’d like to understand.’
She wasn’t sure she wanted to. Would he judge her all over again? Dismiss her feelings as if they didn’t matter at all? She didn’t think she could bear that.
‘If you must know,’ she said reluctantly, ‘I would probably have forgiven him years ago. I missed him. Yes, I know that sounds weird, but I really did. Until what happened with Glenn, Joseph was all I had. He was my brother and I—I loved him.’
To her horror she began to sob. Where on earth had that come from?
Clive put his arm around her and held her.
‘It’s okay. If you want to stop you can.’
‘I don’t want to stop,’ she wept. ‘I need to tell you.’
He nodded, saying nothing but continuing to hold her.
‘He never got in touch with me,’ she said brokenly. ‘That’s what I could never forgive him for. If he’d written to me or telephoned me or turned up in person I’d have been ready to listen. I was ready to listen the day I left home. I needed him. I needed him to prove to me that he was still the brother who’d taken care of me and loved me all those years. That I hadn’t been wrong about him. About us. All I wanted was an apology, but it never came. He never bothered, Clive. I never heard a word from him and now I never will.’
It felt as if a dam had broken inside and a torrent of emotion poured from her. So much grief, anger, and pain that it overwhelmed her.
Clive held her tightly and stroked her hair, kissing the top of her head now and then and making soothing noises while she sobbed desperately as she finally accepted that Joseph was gone, and she’d never get to make it up with him. How she wished she’d got the message in time. How she wished she could have been with him before it was all too late. Now she’d never get that chance and it broke her heart.
‘It was easier to hate him,’ she managed at last, mumbling into the handkerchief that Clive had pressed into her hand. ‘Far better to channel my emotions into despising the brother who’d let me down than accept how much I missed and needed him.’
‘I think he missed and needed you, too,’ Clive said. ‘I know you don’t believe that, but?—’
She shook her head in denial. ‘He can’t have done. He knew where I lived. He must have known! Miss Lavender told me that my marriage to Ted was in the local papers—all that local girl marries multi-millionaire stuff they love so much—and I know Joseph read those. Ted was a well-known businessman, easy to trace. He could have found me if he’d tried. Look how quickly Miss Lavender tracked me down and that was after I’d been divorced and Ted had passed away! He just didn’t care enough about me and that’s what really hurts, Clive. That’s what I can’t forgive or understand. And he’ll never be able to tell me, will he? He’ll never be able to answer the one question I really need the answer to.’
‘What question’s that?’ he asked, his own eyes shimmering with tears.
‘What did I ever do to him to make him stop loving me?’
Clive closed his eyes and pulled her closer. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t believe Joseph ever stopped loving you. Maybe it was just guilt and shame that kept him from trying to find you. Maybe he thought you wouldn’t be interested.’
‘But he could have tried,’ she sobbed. ‘Couldn’t he? Wouldn’t you? If you loved someone and you’d done something to hurt them, wouldn’t you risk rejection to try to put it right with them?’
Clive sighed. ‘Who knows what we’d do in those circumstances? We’re all different, aren’t we? I can’t say why Joseph didn’t find you but, please believe me, I’m sure he loved you to the end. I wish you could have had some time with him before it was too late. I wish you could have got the answer to your question, Bethany, I really do.’
Bethany wiped her eyes and sat up. ‘Thank you,’ she said at last.
‘For what?’
‘For letting me cry and not making me feel an idiot.’ She realised she must look bloody awful and felt embarrassed. ‘Your tea’s gone cold,’ she said, trying to smile.
‘Ach, that hardly matters. I’ll make you a fresh one if you like?’ he offered.
‘I don’t want one,’ she said. ‘I just…’
She couldn’t think what she wanted right now, except to sit here with him. His presence was a reassuring comfort to her. She didn’t want him to leave.
‘I like you being here,’ she said, wondering as she did why on earth she’d blurted that out.
‘I like being here,’ he told her. ‘I like being with you.’
‘And I with you.’
Their gaze held and she felt something stir within her. By the look in his eyes she was certain he was feeling the same thing.
Slowly, with a hint of uncertainty, he leaned towards her and kissed her softly on the lips.
Bethany cupped the back of his neck and kissed him back, probably with far more passion than he was expecting, but to her relief and delight he responded and put his arms around her, holding her tightly as he kissed her.
‘Aw, Beth,’ he said, moving away almost regretfully.
No one but Joseph had ever called her Beth, but she rather liked hearing it from Clive’s lips.
‘I’m sorry. I should never have done that.’
‘Why not?’ she asked. ‘I wanted you to. Didn’t you enjoy it?’
He gave her a rueful smile. ‘I enjoyed it a bit too much, but now’s not the time. You’re emotional and vulnerable, and I took advantage of that. I should have thought. It’s not right.’
‘You didn’t take advantage of me,’ she protested. ‘If anyone instigated this it was me.’
‘But you were in a state with yourself,’ he said. ‘I should have taken control. I’m so sorry.’
‘But, Clive?—’
‘You know what?’ he said, giving her a warm smile, ‘I need to get out there and do some work. Summer will be wondering where I am, given I’ve been missing in action most of the day.’
‘Right,’ she said, confused.
‘It’s all right,’ he said, kissing the top of her head as he got to his feet. ‘Don’t worry. I just think, well, now’s not the time. Not when you’re feeling like this.’
She tried to hang on to his words of comfort. Was he telling her that the time would be right when she wasn’t so emotional about Joseph? Did that mean he was genuinely interested in her? Or was he just being kind?
‘I won’t mention the donkey sanctuary to Summer yet,’ he said. ‘She’s still reeling from the last lot of news, so I’ll wait a few days. And I’ll call the other sanctuary later today, find out if there’s any possibility of them taking some of ours, okay?’
She nodded. Back to business then. Like the kiss had never happened.
Clive frowned and sat back down. ‘You’re even more upset now, aren’t you? I’m sorry. I should never have kissed you and?—’
‘It’s not the kiss that upset me,’ she said hastily. ‘It’s…’
‘It’s what?’
‘Well, you just seem to want to pretend it didn’t happen. It’s like you can’t get away from me fast enough.’
He ran a hand across his forehead. ‘I’m an idiot. I never meant to make you feel that way, but I seem to be getting it all wrong lately.’ He gazed steadily into her eyes. ‘I’m not trying to pretend it didn’t happen. And I’m not going to pretend I didn’t want to do it either, because I did. I’ve wanted to kiss you for some time now.’
‘You have? So what’s the problem?’
‘It’s just…’ He shook his head. ‘Nothing. Like I said it wasn’t right that I took advantage of you when you were so vulnerable. I’d just be a complication you don’t need right now. Can we revisit this another time when we’re both thinking a bit more clearly? My head is so busy right now.’
She supposed she could understand his concerns. He was an honourable man. Too bloody honourable. In the end she couldn’t deny he was trying to do right by her.
‘Fair enough,’ she said, looking down but managing a smile.
‘You’re okay, Bethany?’ he asked her, concern in his eyes. ‘I’ve not hurt you?’
‘Of course not,’ she said lightly. ‘Go on back to work. I’ll get on with the cleaning.’
He smiled, clearly relieved, and headed outside. Bethany stared into her cold cup of tea.
Had he hurt her? Well, a bit.
The trouble was, she had a feeling that, if he chose, he could do more than hurt her. Clive Browning could rip her heart, and her entire world, apart.