Chapter 24
‘Penguin?’
‘Oh, Ben, you really know the way to a man’s heart.’ Clive laughed and accepted the chocolate biscuit with thanks.
‘Your heart anyway. You’re obsessed.’ Ben grinned. ‘One day I’ll frighten you to death and offer you a plain digestive. That’ll be the day.’
‘I’d never speak to you again.’ Clive unwrapped the Penguin and leaned back against the counter with a contented sigh. ‘Had a good morning?’
‘Not too bad. Hamster with an abscess and a cat with an eye infection are two of the highlights. It’s good to have you back again, though. Don’t get me wrong, Piotr was a good vet and very easy to get along with, but I’ve missed you, grouchy as you are.’
‘Grouchy?’ Clive said indignantly. ‘Me?’
‘Well, when the supplies of Penguins are running low…’
‘Ah. Fair point.’ Clive crunched his biscuit thoughtfully. ‘Have you spoken to Summer lately?’
‘Every day,’ Ben said, amused. ‘I take it you’re fishing for information about something?’
‘Not fishing exactly.’ Clive sighed. ‘Has she told you about her falling out with Bethany?’
Ben nodded. ‘She’s not a happy bunny, but can you blame her? Have to say, I felt so guilty when she kept banging on about Bethany selling up and how duped she felt. I wanted to tell her I already knew about it, but I was worried she’d feel there was no one on her side if I did. I suppose I’ll have to tell her sooner or later.’
‘I don’t think you should. Look, you wanted to tell her, and it was me who made you keep the secret. We both know she’d never have gone to Australia if we’d let the cat out of the bag, and look how much she enjoyed herself! She’d have missed all that. It wouldn’t have benefitted anyone if she’d been told from the beginning and it won’t benefit anyone if she finds out you already knew, so stay quiet, Ben. The last thing Summer needs right now is more stress.’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ Ben said thoughtfully. ‘Although I don’t feel good keeping secrets from her.’
‘That’s because you’re a decent man,’ Clive told him fondly. ‘Always have been.’
Ben’s face coloured. ‘Not always,’ he reminded him ruefully.
‘Ach, away with you! That was the boy. All right, you were a wee scamp back in the day, but as an adult you’ve always been exceptional. I’m proud of you. Have I ever told you that?’
Clive watched, amused, as the flush on Ben’s face deepened. ‘You’re way too modest, you know.’
‘Don’t be daft!’ Ben clearly decided the best way to deal with this unexpected compliment was to offer a distraction. ‘Have you heard the Lavender Ladies are taking bets again?’
Clive groaned. ‘Don’t tell me. They’re running a book on our wedding date. Mine and Bethany’s I mean.’
Ben laughed. ‘Not exactly. Actually,’ he said, suddenly serious, ‘speaking of you and Bethany… Is there something between you? I mean, we all saw you at Kat and Jonah’s wedding and you looked very intimate, and you walked her home, didn’t you? And Summer says she’s been cooking you breakfast every morning. Is that true?’
‘She’s been cooking breakfast for Maya and Lennox, too,’ Clive pointed out. ‘And she’d have cooked breakfast for Summer, but Summer dug her heels in and decided she didn’t want anything from Bethany.’
‘I see.’ Ben hesitated. ‘So you’re not involved with her then?’
‘Involved?’ Clive wasn’t sure what to say but in the interests of honesty he couldn’t outright deny there was something going on between them, even if he hadn’t a clue what that was. ‘It’s complicated,’ he said finally.
Ben stared at him. ‘Seriously? So you and she?—’
‘I don’t know what we are, Ben, okay?’
‘But you like her?’
‘I like her fine,’ Clive admitted. ‘But like I say, it’s complicated.’
‘You mean because she’s leaving soon?’ Ben sounded sympathetic. ‘That’s what the bet’s about. The Lavender Ladies’ latest book is on whether she’ll move away from Tuppenny Bridge or stay here. With you. Because of you actually.’
Clive swallowed. ‘And what are the odds?’
‘Evens,’ Ben admitted. ‘I don’t think anyone’s quite sure of the outcome.’
‘Join the club,’ Clive said glumly.
‘Oh heck,’ Ben said. ‘You really do like her. I’m sorry. I thought it was just rumour and gossip. It must be awful not knowing what she’s going to do.’
‘Oh, I know what she’s going to do.’ Clive threw his empty Penguin wrapper in the bin. ‘She’s selling Whispering Willows. Her mind’s made up on that, and I can’t really blame her. It has awful memories for her.’
‘Maybe,’ Ben said hopefully, ‘she’ll sell Whispering Willows but stay in Tuppenny Bridge. Maybe she’ll move into the flat above here with you. What?’ he demanded as Clive gave him a scornful look. ‘Why wouldn’t she?’
‘Because Stepping Stones is still in this town, and it’s not just Whispering Willows that holds bad memories for her. This whole place, it reminds her of sadness and betrayal. She can’t wait to get away. I doubt very much I’d be enough to keep her here and I wouldn’t want to be the reason she stayed anyway.’
‘You wouldn’t?’
Clive shook his head. ‘It would never work. It would be trapping her, just the way she was trapped here when she was younger. I couldn’t do that to her, and anyway, she’d end up running away again at some point. If she does stay here it has to be because she’s come to terms with her past and wants to be here, not because she has to stay because it’s where I am. And somehow I doubt that will ever happen.’
Ben looked worried. ‘I don’t suppose you’re planning to move away with her?’
Clive gave a mirthless laugh. ‘You’re joking, right?’
‘I mean, I wouldn’t want you to,’ Ben said slowly, ‘but if it’s what you want. If it will make you happy.’
‘But it wouldn’t,’ Clive said heavily. ‘My life’s here. I love this town and the people in it. I love my job and Stepping Stones and…’
He’d been about to say, ‘And you’, but couldn’t make himself do it.
‘And everything,’ he finished lamely. ‘Bethany’s always on the move. She doesn’t settle anywhere, so how could I work? How could I feel at home? And that’s what I need, Ben. Home. It’s where I’m happiest. I suppose the truth is we’re a bad match. At least, for now. Rotten timing, I guess. She says she wants a home of her own, but she’s had years to find one, hasn’t she? I think maybe the truth is she’ll never settle, and I can’t live like that.’
Which was one of the reasons he hadn’t followed up on their kiss. Thinking about it now he felt a mixture of emotions. He’d been taken aback by how much he’d enjoyed it, and by how powerful the urge to take things further with her had been. But he’d quickly realised that it would only make things more complicated. He had other obligations, and she would be leaving soon, so what was the point of trying to start a relationship with someone when they wouldn’t be around much longer? Plus Bethany had been emotional and vulnerable. She probably wasn’t thinking straight. He’d known she had feelings for him, and he couldn’t help worrying he’d taken advantage of her when she was at a low point.
Then there was Jennifer. There was always Jennifer. He was, he realised wearily, so confused.
‘I’m really sorry, mate,’ Ben said. ‘I hope things work out for you; I really do.’ He tilted his head, a gentle smile on his lips. ‘It’s funny, I never thought I’d see the day when Clive Browning fell in love. I can’t believe it’s finally happened.’
‘I never said I’d fallen in love,’ Clive reminded him.
‘You didn’t have to,’ Ben told him. ‘It’s written all over your face. Anyway, I’d better get off. I’ve got another call-out to Hillside Farm.’ He clapped Clive on the shoulder. ‘It will work out, one way or the other.’
‘Aye, no doubt,’ Clive said airily. ‘And right now we’ve more important things to worry about, like Mike Gray’s sick heifer. Get yourself away to Hillside.’
Ben nodded and left the consulting room. Clive ran a hand over his tired eyes before sinking into the chair.
What a mess! How had he ever got himself into this situation? It had taken him years to pluck up the courage to confess his feelings to one woman and now here he was, just weeks later, falling for another one.
But I’m not in love with Bethany, he thought anxiously. Am I?
And if he was, where did that leave Jennifer?
What, he wondered, would Julian make of all this?
At the memory of his old friend he felt the familiar flood of shame. Julian had been such a wonderful, decent man. Generous, kind, and so bloody noble and brave it had taken Clive’s breath away.
He remembered that afternoon when he’d gone to Monk’s Folly to visit his friend. Julian had been through gruelling treatment and was weak but optimistic. Jennifer had shown him into the living room where Julian lay on the sofa covered with a blanket despite the warm day.
He’d been so overcome at seeing how ill his friend looked he hadn’t been able to say a word. He’d almost fallen into the armchair and Jennifer had sat in the other one. She’d given Clive a sympathetic look but there was also a warning in her eyes, as if she was telling Clive not to show Julian how worried he was.
Evidently he’d failed. Julian had never been daft.
‘Don’t look like that. There’s still hope,’ he’d told Clive, who’d blinked away tears and tried to pull himself together. If Julian wasn’t crying he certainly couldn’t justify giving way to his emotions. ‘I’m not written off just yet so don’t look so glum.’
Jennifer had passed Julian a glass of water and poured Clive a whisky, then she dropped a kiss on her husband’s forehead and left them to it.
As she closed the door behind her, Julian said softly, ‘I love that woman so much.’
‘I know you do.’ The words had almost stuck in Clive’s throat as guilt tried to force them back down.
‘She’s so good to me,’ Julian continued. ‘And all I want is for her to be happy. To have a good life.’
‘You’ll give her a good life,’ Clive had managed. ‘As soon as you’re well again think of all the things you can do together. The places you can go.’
Julian smiled at him. ‘You think?’
‘Of course I think! You’ve just said yourself there’s still hope. You can’t change your mind now!’ He gave his friend a weak smile. ‘I won’t allow it. No talk of defeat here.’
‘But that’s just it, Clive,’ Julian said. ‘I need to be honest. I’m putting on a brave face for Jennifer’s sake, but with you I want to be truthful. With myself as well as you.’
Clive had gulped down some whisky, not wanting to hear it but knowing Julian needed him to listen, and that it was the least he could do for him.
‘I might get through this,’ Julian told him, ‘but there’s a good chance I won’t. It’s okay,’ he said quickly as Clive opened his mouth to speak, ‘I don’t need platitudes or reassurance. This is me being brutally honest with you, okay? While Jennifer’s not here. While it’s just you and me.’
Clive nodded dumbly.
‘I can accept that,’ Julian continued. ‘It’s bloody rotten but life can be rotten, can’t it? When I first got the diagnosis, all I could think was, why me? But the truth is, why not me? What’s so special about me that I shouldn’t be affected? Thing is, it can happen to anyone. It does happen, in one form or another other, to about half the population. Just got to get on with it, haven’t we?’
Clive drained his whisky and stared down at the carpet. He wasn’t sure he could be half as stoic as Julian if it ever happened to him.
‘It’s not me I’m worried about,’ Julian admitted. ‘It’s Jennifer. And Leon, and Ben, and little Jamie.’ He swallowed down a sob at that. ‘Jamie’s just a baby,’ he said. ‘Bad enough that I’ll leave my boys behind, but Jamie won’t even remember me.’
‘You don’t know that!’ Clive protested. ‘You’re looking at the worst-case scenario.’
‘I know. I know I am. But that’s because it’s just you and me and I can do that with you. With everyone else it’s all very positive and look on the bright side, and sometimes I actually mean it. I know things might work out well, but while you’re here I must tell you something. Just in case.’
Clive frowned. ‘What is it?’
‘If the worst does happen, I can’t bear the thought of Jennifer having to cope with it all on her own. This house takes some looking after. Jamie, as I said, is just a baby. Ben’s all over the place. I don’t know what’s going on with him lately but he’s getting into all sorts of bother at school. It’s the last thing his mum needs. Leon’s a good lad and I know he’d step up for her and his brothers, but I don’t want his life to be all about sacrifice and responsibility. He’s way too young for all that. So, I must ask you, Clive. Would you be there for them? Would you take care of my family for me?’
Clive stared at him. He genuinely had no answer to that. It was so unexpected he could only sit in guilty silence.
Julian shook his head. ‘Don’t look like that. I know what you’re thinking but it’s okay. I know how you feel about Jennifer. I’ve always known.’
Clive’s heart thudded. ‘What—what do you mean?’
‘We haven’t got time to play games, mate,’ Julian said, glancing at the door. ‘She could come back any second. It’s time for straight talking. I’ve seen the way you look at her and I realised way back that you were in love with her. I think you fell in love with her the moment I introduced you to her, didn’t you?’
The truth was, Clive had briefly met Jennifer in Market Square before he ever knew she was Julian’s wife, and he’d fallen in love with her instantly. He’d been devastated to find out she was married to his new friend and had done all he could, over the years, to push his feelings for her away. He honestly thought he’d hidden them well. Clearly, he’d failed.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he mumbled miserably. ‘I tried so hard?—’
‘It doesn’t matter. I know you haven’t acted on those feelings, and I know Jennifer would never betray me. I trust you both. I love you both. And that’s the thing, Clive. I can’t think of anyone better to look after her for me if I do die. I can’t bear the thought of her being alone, struggling with all this responsibility. You’re a good man and I know you’d take care of her and my boys. I know you’d do everything you could to make them happy and give them a decent life. Will you please consider it? For me?’
Of all the things Clive had expected to hear this was the very last of them.
‘Julian, I couldn’t?—’
‘But you could! Don’t you see? It would be perfect. You already love her. She’s not the sort of woman who should be alone. I’m terrified that, if the worst happens, she’ll spend years cooped up here alone with the boys, struggling to get by. She deserves to be loved. She deserves to be loved by someone like you who’ll make sure she’ll continue to live without me and, more than that, that she’ll be happy. Please.’
Clive couldn’t hold back the tears. Being with Jennifer was everything he’d ever wanted, but not like this. Never like this. He’d gladly sacrifice every moment with her if his friend could survive. She belonged with Julian, not him.
‘Jennifer’s totally in love with you,’ he said, his voice thick with grief. ‘She wouldn’t want me even if I tried to help.’
‘I think she might surprise you,’ Julian said. ‘She’s an emotional, passionate woman. She needs a man in her life. Be that man, Clive. I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to be her husband, or a father to my children. Promise me.’
It was an overwhelming statement to hear, and Clive had felt humbled and unworthy. He didn’t deserve such generosity. Even so, he knew Julian was desperate for reassurance. He needed peace of mind, and maybe if he had that guarantee he could gather his strength and focus on the fight that lay ahead of him. If he was no longer worrying about his family’s future he might have a better chance of beating this thing. Of surviving. Of living his life with his wife and children. Then all this would be forgotten, and Clive would happily step back and leave them to it.
‘I promise,’ he said quietly.
The smile on Julian’s face had almost broken his heart.
‘Thank you,’ he’d said, then closed his eyes as if this discussion had drained him of all energy.
Clive had left him to sleep and, after bidding a brief and embarrassed farewell to Jennifer, he’d left Monk’s Folly, his mind whirling, praying he’d never have to keep that promise.
In the end, of course, he hadn’t. Not really. Things had changed so drastically since then, with events that neither he nor Julian could ever have predicted. Who, for example, could have imagined, that afternoon in Monk’s Folly, that Julian would outlive his eldest son? Clive had seen the effect Leon’s death had on both Jennifer and Julian, and in a way he’d known from that moment his friend wasn’t going to make it.
After Julian’s remains were buried close to Leon’s in the Garden of Ashes in All Hallows churchyard, he’d thought about approaching Jennifer, just to see if she needed any help, but she’d hurried away from him, shepherding Ben with almost frantic haste.
He’d tried to speak to her several times after that, but she’d been cold and unyielding, and had made it clear she wanted nothing from him and that she was managing perfectly well without his help.
Maybe, he’d thought then, he should give it some time. His promise to Julian kept nagging away at him but now, more than ever, he felt it had been a mistake to make that promise. Yet make it he had. He owed his friend. He needed to make sure Jennifer was okay somehow. He just didn’t know how.
Then one day she’d turned up at the surgery with one of the family’s dogs, who was ill. Ben had been with her, and she’d told him the young lad was currently devouring every James Herriot book and was obsessed with becoming a vet.
He knew Ben had been through an ordeal. Losing his brother and father had changed him. He’d grown up way too fast. No longer a rebellious, badly-behaved boy, this fifteen-year-old had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it showed.
Jennifer said proudly that he’d really turned things around at school and was working hard at last. He wanted to go to university and qualify. Be a vet just like James Herriot. Just like Clive.
And that was the moment he saw a way of keeping his promise to Julian. Not in full, but partially. He could mentor Ben, pay for his textbooks and equipment, supplement his student loan, and give him work experience. If Ben passed his exams he would offer him a job and make sure he was well-paid and well-treated. It would be a weight off Jennifer’s mind. One less thing for her to worry about. And it would help the family financially, too.
He hadn’t really given much thought to what might go wrong. Many years later he’d realised that Ben could have been a disaster. He might well have changed his mind about his future career. He might have failed his exams. He might have been the worst vet ever.
In the event he’d turned out to be a real blessing to Clive. He was hard-working, honest, reliable, compassionate, and skilled. He looked like his mother, but he had his father’s nature. It wasn’t long before Clive saw him the way Julian had wanted him to—as the son he’d never had. By supporting Ben he’d helped both Jennifer and Jamie financially, and he’d tried his best to counsel Ben and be there for him through the darkest times. He felt he’d done right by the boy.
But Jennifer was a different matter.
Despite his promise to Julian he’d never tried to get close to her until recently. He’d never broached the subject of their relationship. He’d never told her of her husband’s wishes, or how he’d made a promise, or how he’d happily marry her and take care of her.
He’d failed Julian in that respect. But when he’d finally confessed how he felt to Jennifer he’d been soundly rejected. She didn’t need him. Julian had thought she would crumble without a man, but Jennifer was happy at last. It had been hard for her, but she’d made a new life for herself. She loved her new home and her new job.
How ironic that it was Julian himself who had made things so difficult for her. If he hadn’t drummed it into her how much he loved Monk’s Folly, she might have let it go years ago, and life for the Callaghans would have been so much easier. He hadn’t really been able to do anything about that apart from gently and repeatedly telling Ben that he should sell the place.
The worst part of it was that he knew Julian had only changed his will after Leon died, leaving the house to Ben, because he’d been so sure Jennifer would be taken care of by Clive and wouldn’t need it. He’d inadvertently shackled his grieving son with the heaviest burden of all, and it had taken Summer’s arrival in Tuppenny Bridge for Ben to finally see the light and get rid of the place. Nothing to do with Clive at all.
Jennifer didn’t want him in her life. Not as a romantic partner anyway. He should feel free to pursue Bethany and be happy at last. But he didn’t. Not really. Because he’d broken his promise to Julian, and he’d let Jennifer down badly. He’d let himself down, too, and he’d paid the price ever since for his weakness. How could he move on knowing that?
He couldn’t give Bethany what she needed from him while he still felt obliged to the Callaghans. And Bethany might be moving away anyway, so what was the point?
‘Evens,’ Ben had said about the bets being placed on Bethany’s future. The whole town was unable to decide whether Bethany would stay or go. If the Lavender Ladies couldn’t figure it out how was he supposed to?
But if she did leave Tuppenny Bridge…
His heart sank like a stone at the thought of it. He might never see her again and how did he really feel about that? It scared him as he realised it made him depressed beyond words. What he’d said to Ben was true. He didn’t want Bethany to stay for him. He knew that wouldn’t work, that she’d never be happy. What if she stayed but never came to terms with her past? She’d walk away at some point. She’d have no choice, and he wouldn’t want her to remain there just because she felt obliged to stay with him. The last thing he wanted to do was trap her again.
But maybe, if he could give her the love she desperately needed, he could help her come to terms with everything that had happened before? Just maybe there was a chance they could both put their pasts behind them and move on together into a brighter future. A future that included Tuppenny Bridge, despite all the sad memories it held for them.
It had to be worth a shot, surely? They deserved happiness. They deserved a chance. Julian would forgive him. Wouldn’t he?
And Joseph—how would he feel?
He felt a smile tugging at his lips as he imagined his friend’s wry response to that question.
Don’t be mithering about me. Life’s too short. Do what makes you happy and bugger everyone else.
His smile faded as he remembered that Joseph had done what he wanted, and he’d broken his sister’s heart in the process. Sometimes, following your own heart’s desire came with too high a price.
‘You can’t hurt the dead,’ he murmured to himself. No one alive right now would object to him and Bethany being together. It was only the memory of his two departed friends that was making him hesitate. He couldn’t live the rest of his life for them. He’d put his life on hold for far too long already.
He wanted Bethany and she wanted him. It was time for them to find their own happiness.