44. Flynn
44
FLYNN
I’m being such a little baby over my life right now, but I can’t snap myself out of it.
It’s been days since Abi was at my place, curled around me as I slept, protecting me from my loneliness.
I haven’t been to see her and I ignored the last text she sent me.
Well, I didn’t exactly ignore it. I don’t think it’s classed as ignoring it when I’ve reread it a million times and thought of all the ways I’d like to reply.
But I can’t.
It’s why I can’t go and see her either, because I don’t trust myself not to blurt out that I’m head over fucking heels in love with her.
And I really don’t want to do that. She made it clear what this was. A mutually beneficial arrangement between friends. I just hope that these feelings fade soon and we can get back to the being friends part .
The mutually beneficial arrangement, well I’m going to have to leave that in the past.
Friends only from this point forward.
If only I could figure out how to tell Abi, because while I’m hiding from her, I’m aware I’m being a shitty friend.
As well as avoiding Abi, I’ve also been avoiding everyone else. I went to see Violet after Hunter left to apologise for missing dinner. She reminded me I don’t need to apologise to her, like she has every time I’ve tried to be sorry for the times I’ve screwed up. Then she asked if I was okay and wrapped me in a long, tight hug, even though I told her I was fine.
I’ve been hiding from Olivia and Katie too. My best friends. Because I can’t bear to tell them what happened between me and Abi, but it feels weird to lie to them about it.
So, I’ve tied myself in such a huge knot I can’t unravel it.
And hiding from everyone in my life just means I’m even more lonely.
I sigh and tug on the wrench I’m using to tighten the hydraulic hose I’ve just replaced on the tractor. The wrench slips off the coupling and rebounds off my hand.
“Mother fucker!” I drop the wrench, barely missing my foot, but at least I have steel cap boots on so that wouldn’t have hurt as much as hitting my hand with it does.
“Flynn?” Fuck. Olivia. Come on, Universe. That was shitty timing. I can’t exactly hide from her now.
“Yeah,” I croak through the pain and she rounds the corner of the implement shed, face filled with concern.
“Are you okay?”
I nod. “Wrench slipped. Hit my hand.” I’ve been pressing my other hand over the site of the injury, thinking applying pressure would help a bruise. I have no idea if that’s true, but it’s helping steady me.
“Need some ice?” She steps closer, takes my arm and pries my uninjured hand away. She inspects the red mark on my skin. It’s already looking a bit purple. “Yes. Ice. Come on.”
She doesn’t release my arm and leads me gently to the side-by-side. I climb in beside her, knowing arguing is worthless. When Olivia’s set her mind on something there isn’t much point trying to change it.
Maybe I’ll get a muffin out of it or something. Some real food at the bare minimum. I’m not exactly enjoying living off a loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter. But to get the good meals I have to be around all the people I’m trying to avoid.
Olivia zooms down the driveway to the main house and I follow her inside. She goes straight to the freezer and grabs an icepack, wrapping it in a tea towel, then pressing it against my hand.
I hiss and try to take the icepack from her. “I can do it.”
“I know but let me.”
Weird, but okay, I’ll indulge her. We sit at the kitchen table, my hand on the table with Olivia holding the icepack over it.
“What’s up, Flynny?” she whispers after a long, awkward silence.
“Nothing,” I sigh, running my free hand through my hair.
“Oh, yeah, sure. That’s so convincing. Obviously you’re fantastic.” She spins her legs around so she’s facing me. I keep my eyes firmly on the tabletop. “Something’s up. You’re avoiding everyone. You haven’t even come down for food.”
I keep trying to cut her off, to argue, but she steamrolls over me every single time.
“I’m your best friend. You’re bound by law to tell me what’s going on.”
“By law?” I shoot her a sceptical look, then refocus on the table. The wood grain here is super interesting.
“Yes. The official law of my life.” She grins and I roll my eyes.
“It’s nothing, Liv.”
She lets out a heavy breath. “Fine. But you know I’m always here for you if you need to talk about shit. Always, Flynn.”
The words leave my mouth before I have a chance to catch them, or even filter them. “I slept with Abi.”
My cheeks flame hot and I know how aggressive my blush will be right now. Oh my god. I can’t believe I just threw that out there. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, let along the person who holds both our jobs in her hands. What if, despite all outward signs of peace, things aren’t actually good between Abi, Dallas and Katie? Have I just fucked us both over?
“Okay,” Olivia says, her expression barely flickering at my confession.
“Okay? That’s it? Why aren’t you freaking out?”
“I’m trying to work out why you’re freaking out. Was it really bad?”
“What? No. The opposite.”
“Are you worried she thinks you were bad?”
Oh god. Does Abi think it was bad ?
No. I’m fairly certain she was fully in the moment, or moments as the case may be, and she had a good time. A really good time.
“Ew. Stop thinking about it while I’m sitting right here.”
“Ew? What’s ew about it?” I’m mortified. Horrified. Was it ew?
“You’re like my brother. I don’t need to know details about your sex life.”
Oh, thank fuck it’s only that.
“It wasn’t bad, Liv. It was definitely as far away from bad as you can get.”
“I still don’t understand why you’re freaking out.”
“Because … it was supposed to be one thing, and I’ve turned it into something else. Something it was never supposed to be.”
Her eyes widen. “Shit. This got involved didn’t it?” She pokes me hard in the chest, right above my heart. I give her a look, but don’t need to say anything else. “I’m not surprised.”
“You’re not?” I thought this would be a shock to her. But she’s taking it way too calmly.
Fuck. Maybe she has cameras in the office at the event centre. That would be very, very bad. So bad. I’m going to have to ask her and hope she doesn’t have too many questions.
Before I have a chance to fully panic about that, Olivia continues.
“You have so much love to give, it doesn’t surprise me that you fell for her. She’s pretty cool, a strong, badass woman and obviously gorgeous, so it all makes sense.”
“Nothing about this makes sense, least of all you being so calm about it. Does nothing faze you? ”
She snorts. “Plenty of things faze me, but my friends being happy doesn’t. Am I supposed to be pissy that you two hooked up? If it doesn’t affect your jobs then I don’t care.” She points across the paddock to Dallas’s cottage. “Exhibit A.”
I lean towards her and rest my head on her shoulder, the contact familiar and so, so comforting.
“I want to get a dog,” I say. I really have zero tact or conversational skills today. “One of those puppies you showed us the other week.”
“Sounds good. I considered it, but I don’t think I’m ready.”
“That’s it?” I ask, lifting my head to look at her. “No jokes about my lack of responsibility?”
Olivia looks puzzled for a moment, then her expression clears, before quickly turning apologetic. “I’m sorry. We were just joking, but we should never have said what we did.”
I sigh and drop my head again, leaning into my best friend. “You were right though.”
“No, we weren’t. You have lots of responsibility. If you want more, just let me know. You can have some of mine.”
I snort. “You’d trust me with it?”
Olivia shifts away and I’m forced to sit up again, then she places a hand on my leg and drags it towards her, forcing me to twist in my seat so I’m facing her, our knees touching. She places her hands on my shoulders and leans in close.
“I trust you with everything, Flynn. I trust you with a puppy. I trust you with your job. I trust you with this whole fucking place. One of the reasons I can get through each day is I know that you’re here to back me up, always. I know you’ll look after this place, and my family, like it’s your own, because by this point, it is yours. This is your home, Flynn, it always will be. If you want more from it, you say the word.”
“A puppy seems like a good place to start,” I say, trying not to let the wobble in my voice show.
“You don’t have to ask my permission,” she says. “You know that right? About the dog, or about Abi.”
“The thing with Abi is over,” I mutter, turning back to the table because while I could look my best friend in the eyes while she told me I’m a part of this place, I can’t do it while I talk about falling in love with a woman I can’t have. “I need to make some space.”
“Is that what Abi wants?”
“Abi wanted casual. She has her own priorities and I don’t make the list. That’s okay, I just need some time to deal with my feelings over it all.”
“Makes sense. Just maybe check—” Olivia’s phone rings and she groans as she pulls it from her jeans pocket. “Fucking thing never stops.”
She answers the call and talks for a few minutes before jabbing violently at the screen to end the call.
“You need to go?” I say.
“Yep. I’m sorry to cut this short.”
“I’m not,” I say, a small laugh slipping out of me.
Olivia laughs as she stands. “I mean hanging out with my bestie,” she says. “Making you squirm was just a bonus. But don’t shut me out when things get hard, okay? I need you.”
“I promise.” I reach up and wrap my arms around Olivia’s waist before she has a chance to step away. I squeeze her tight and she hugs me back, then pats me on the head and as much as I scowl and swat her hand away, I love the attention.
As Olivia leaves the kitchen, still muttering about whatever it is she has to go and deal with, I pick up my phone and navigate to the puppy listing. I’m going to choose one this weekend. At least with a puppy to keep me busy I won’t have time to wallow in my stupid feelings.