43. Abi
43
ABI
I bury myself in work the week following my night with Flynn.
Well, I try to anyway. It’s not easy when my mind keeps straying to thoughts of him.
Of his body wrapped around mine.
Of his hair tangled in my fingers.
Of his hands caressing my skin.
Of his face as he fucked me, gaze never straying from mine.
Except that wasn’t exactly fucking. It was more than that. I know it was, I just really, really don’t want to admit it.
I keep waiting for him to turn up at the function centre. Every time a vehicle arrives I catch my breath, my heart doing a little skipping thing in my chest.
But he never shows.
I shouldn’t be surprised.
Not after what he said to his brother.
I shouldn’t have lingered, but once I was out on the porch, the door closed behind me I worried that I’d left Flynn too soon. Maybe I should have stayed with him for the conversation with his brother.
But then it quickly turned to me. His voice echoes through my head as I recount the wine glasses we have on hand for the third time. I can’t concentrate enough to get it right.
“Nothing is weighing me down. We’re friends. That’s it. There’s nothing else there.”
His words shouldn’t have hit me as hard as they did. Because it’s the truth, but my heart still gives sad little pangs every time I remember.
Then there’s the radio silence this week.
I’ve text him twice, asking first if he was free Sunday afternoon to hang out and he’d replied with a very brief, vague excuse about being too busy.
I messaged him again later, asking him to let me know when he would be free.
He didn’t reply to that one.
I refocus on my counting. I need to determine how many glasses were broken at the event over the weekend so I can charge the client for the loss and I’ve let it drag on far too long already.
The sound of a motorbike approaches, the crunch of gravel, then the sound of the engine cuts off.
I curse, because I’ve lost count again, but then I turn my attention to the doorway, my heart in my throat.
Dallas steps inside.
I deflate, but try not to let my disappointment show.
“Hey,” he says, smile wide and relaxed .
“Hey,” I reply, and drop my clipboard on the table beside me.
“You have a minute?”
“Yeah, sure. Want to go sit outside?”
Dallas nods and we head around the side of the old barn, towards the gazebo. It’s a gorgeous day, with endless blue skies meeting the Wildflower Ridge hills, all lit by stunning early summer sunshine.
We sit side by side in the gazebo, looking out over the pond.
“How are things?” Dallas asks.
“Yeah, they’re really good.” I smile. Things really are good. Great even. Except where Flynn is concerned, but I can’t think about him now.
“You’re happy with how things are going with Sadie?”
“Things with Sadie are amazing. Thank you for everything you’ve done.”
He loops an arm around my shoulders and pulls me against him in a side hug. I love that even after everything we went through, we can still be friends.
“How do you feel about having her this weekend?”
“Yeah, sure. Saturday or Sunday? I have no events on.”
“Saturday and Sunday.”
“Overnight?” My breath stutters and Dallas must feel my body go stiff.
“Only if you want to. Katie and I are going away for the weekend and we thought you might like to spend the time with Sadie. But Violet can have her if it’s too much.”
“No,” I say, but my voice is a rough croak. “No.” I try again. “I’ll have her. I’d love to. Of course. ”
“Well, she’ll love it too, she hasn’t shut up about your spa day.”
I take a breath, then another, making the exhales long and slow. The spa day was a lot of fun. I painted Sadie’s nails, did a conditioning treatment in her hair and gave her a mini-facial, then while our face masks were on we lay on my couch and watched silly animal videos. Afterwards we went out for lunch where Tilly complimented Sadie endlessly on her glowing skin and pretty nails. That girl is a customer service dream.
I spent the whole day with Sadie that day. I can do that again and include an overnight in there. Dinner, bath, bedtime. A long expanse of time when Sadie will be asleep, safe in her bed.
Absolutely no reason for anxiety. No reason for panic attacks.
I can do this. I’ve spent years working towards being able to do this again, and the baby steps Dallas and I have used to reintegrate me into Sadie’s life have been the perfect stepping stones. I haven’t had a panic attack since the very beginning and this is the next step in being Sadie’s mum again. It’s one I’m sure I can manage.
“I can’t wait,” I say to Dallas.
He studies my face, turning on the seat to get a good look at me. “Are you absolutely sure about this?”
“Yes. Violet will be here if I need anything, but I won’t.”
“Katie and I aren’t going far anyway, we’ll only be about forty minutes away.”
“That’s barely going away, Dal.” I pat his shoulder with a laugh .
“I know. But I haven’t spent a lot of time without Sadie being more than a paddock away. It’s going to take some adjusting for all of us.”
“For what it’s worth, and I’m sure you already know this, but you’re an amazing dad. The best. I knew I could focus on myself and not have to worry about Sadie, because she had you.” I pause and drop my eyes, taking a deep breath before making eye contact again. “But I am sorry, for all the things I put you through.”
Dallas uses the arm still around my shoulders to tug me to him, his other arm wrapping around me. “You didn’t put me through it, Abs. That was all that anxiety. It’s not you.”
He releases me and I sit back. “It’s still a part of me.”
“Yeah, and it’s made you who you are today, which is an amazing, strong woman. A mum. Plus, it brought us to this place.” He gestures around, at the function centre, the sprawling hills, the vast open skies.
“It’s a pretty great place,” I say, leaning against him as he turns back to face the pond.
“And we’re pretty great parents. Both of us.”
With his words, something settles in me.
We may have had an unconventional route, but this place, this family, it really does feel like home now, for all of us, and I can’t wait to watch my daughter grow up here.