Chapter 10
“Ireally appreciate this, Ella.” Skid’s girlfriend steps inside Ella’s house, holding her little boy’s hand. “I’m going through that awful, dead tired, can’t keep anything down phase.” She rolls her eyes and after hearing the symptoms, I assume that she’s pregnant. I swear this place is like some kind of breeding farm.
“It’s the least I can do, Dylan’s around your place all the time.” Ella smiles, before telling the little boy to head on through to Dylan’s room so he can find him.
“I’ve also got a Zoom call with the doctor in Montana who”s been talking to Everleigh. It’s just a progress report but I’m really hoping there will be some good news.” I don’t have a clue what she’s talking about but she looks hopeful.
“Well, you just pick him up whenever you”re ready,” Ella tells her, and she nods gratefully before she lets herself out.
“How did I not know?” I ask the question, that I’ve often pondered in my head, out loud and it makes Ella look at me curiously. “When you were pregnant, you were living with me for all that time and I didn’t know. How?” I’ve carried a lot of guilt since Ella left. How could I have not seen the signs when I’d been in the same situation myself?
“You were too focused on being the perfect wife?—”
“That I forgot to be the perfect mother.” I finish her sentence for her, feeling like a failure.
“Mom, there is no such thing as a perfect mother. We get tired, we get irritated, and we all make mistakes.” My daughter trying to make me feel better has no impact.
“I’d say what I did was a pretty big mistake. I could have ruined your life. I made it impossible for you to tell me you were pregnant, you must have been so scared.” I can’t bear to think about how she must have felt. Carrying a secret as big as that is all-consuming. I know that because I’ve been there.
“No. No. No. Noooooo!” I watch the line appear in the second window right in front of my eyes and my heart drops into my stomach.
It’s a Saturday, my folks are at the tennis club so I’m all alone in the house and when I decided to take the test, I really wasn’t expecting this. I only did it to put my mind at rest, you can’t get pregnant when you”re on the pill. That’s the reason I have Carol drive me all the way to Denver every three months so I can get it without anyone around here finding out.
There has to be a mistake. I read the instructions all over again, checking that I followed each step correctly, and then when I realize I did everything right, I tear them apart in my hands.
“I’m pregnant,” I say the words out loud as I look in the mirror at my own reflection.
I can’t think straight, all I can see is the disappointment on my parents’ faces and the anger on Jimmer’s. He’s gonna think I did this on purpose to trap him the same way Mary-Ann did.
I quickly gather up all the evidence and dump it in one of my draws before attempting to pull myself together. I have to tell Jimmer, the longer I leave it the harder it’s gonna be. I need to rip off the Band-Aid and get it over with so we can figure out what to do.
Before I can change my mind, I grab my purse and storm out the house toward my car.
I know Jimmer doesn’t like me coming to the bar he owns in town, but it’s still early and I doubt many people will be around. I arrive ten minutes later and just as I expected, the clubhouse is quiet when I step inside and look around for any sign of him.
“Hey, darlin’, looking for Prez?” Tac looks up from the guy he’s tattooing in the corner of the barroom.
“Yeah, he around?”
“He’s just dealin’ with some business downstairs, he’ll be up in a few. Take a seat.” Tac tips his chin before getting back to work.
I didn’t realize when Tac said a few, that he meant a few hours. The guy getting inked left ages ago and when the door swings open and Mary-Ann walks through it pushing a stroller, it’s the last thing I fucking need.
“Oh look, sweetie, Daddy’s little pet is here.” She laughs at me as she parks her daughter up right beside me and heads for the bar. I take a peek inside at the helpless little thing. She’s got her eyes closed and is pulling the same face Jimmer does when he’s in a deep sleep.
“What ya doing here, darlin’, waiting for your lover?” Mary-Ann rolls her eyes and sniggers as she comes back from the bar with a drink and sits next to me.
“I’m surprised to see you here. Jimmer tells me you like to keep Hayley away from this place,” I come back at her.
Mary-Ann’s fake smile switches off for a second while she comes up with something clever to say.
“I think it does everyone some good to see where their president’s priority lies.” She rests back in her chair and takes a pack of cigarettes out of the baby bag hanging from the stroller.
“She is the apple of her daddy”s eye, there is nothing he wouldn’t do for her.” My stomach flips when I’m reminded of the reason why I’m here. Now, I’m carrying Jimmer’s baby too. A brother or sister for Hayley and I’m certain Mary-Ann is gonna swallow that about as well as she would a cold cup of vomit.
“You”re looking a little peaky, sweetheart, maybe you should head on home.” She leans forward and blows a mouthful of smoke right in my face. Her words have me on edge, and I wonder if by some miracle she knows. Being sick every morning for the past few weeks has really taken its toll on me, I haven’t been sleeping either, I’ve been far too worried about taking that damn test.
“What’s goin’ on here?” I turn my head when I hear his voice and feel relieved to see Jimmer and Brian step through the door that leads down to the basement. His hands and the front of his shirt are covered in blood and he takes a towel that Tac hands him and attempts to wipe them clean.
“Damn, Mary-Ann, I told ya I’d ride by to see her later. I don’t want her seein’ me like this,” Jimmer scolds her when he notices that his daughter’s here too.
“I wanted to get her out for some air.” Mary-Ann shrugs.
“Well, how about ya stop fuckin’ smokin’ around her?” Jimmer storms forward and snatches the cigarette from her mouth.
“Jimmer, she”s nine-months old, she’s not aware of stuff that goes on around here. A little blood on her daddy”s hands isn’t gonna scar her for life.” Mary-Ann passes it off as no big deal. “Did you speak to Celine about watching her tonight? I wanna be here when the Utah boys visit.”
Brian shakes his head and scowls at her as he makes his way behind the bar.
“I spoke to her. She’ll be at your place around 7,” Jimmer assures her, sounding deflated.
“Perfect.” Mary-Ann stands up and goes straight for him, pressing a kiss on his cheek and leaving her bright red lipstick mark like a calling card.
“Say goodbye to Daddy,” she coos into the pushchair and sneers at me as she makes her way back out.
“I’m sorry about that.” Jimmer soothes his hand through his hair as he takes the seat she was in, and when he reaches out his hands to take mine he notices they’re still dirty and quickly retracts them.
Seeing the blood on them makes me wonder who it belongs to, and suddenly one of those familiar waves of nausea forces me to get up and rush to the bathroom.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jimmer chases after me, letting himself into the ladies’ room so he can witness me chucking up my guts.
“Nothing, I’m just a little queasy when it comes to blood,” I lie, looking down at his hands as he scrubs them under the faucet and wondering how the hell I got myself into this. I’m pregnant by a man almost ten years older than me, a man who kills people on Saturday afternoons without conscience.
“Sorry, darlin’.” He turns off the faucet and snatches some paper towels from the dispenser.
“We just had this stupid bastard from?—”
“I don’t want to know,” I cut him off before he can finish. “You know, I should just get home. I…” I go to move for the door but he grabs me.
“Joanne, somethin’s wrong, what is it? Did Mary-Ann say somethin’ to ya? She’s just a jealous bitch. She knows I’m onto somethin’ and she?—”
“Jimmer, I’m fine, please just let me go. I’ll see you tomorrow at the resort.” I kiss him on the cheek before charging the fuck out of there, getting in my car, and wondering what the hell I’m gonna do to get me out of this mess.
“It was a scary time.” Ella snaps me out of my memories. “But all that seems like so long ago now. I’m happy. Happier than I ever thought was possible. The past doesn’t matter,” she assures me.
“You”re a very special girl, do you know that?” I can’t help feeling overwhelmed with pride when I look at her. Not only is she beautiful on the inside and out, but she’s a fantastic mother. A better one than I ever was. She makes it all look so easy. It makes me more and more certain that she’ll be okay.
“Thanks, Mom.” She smiles at me before kissing my cheek and getting back to chopping up some fruit for the kids.