Chapter 13
Isit and stare at the table for a long time after the meeting’s over and everyone has left. What Jessie just told me needs deeper investigation, and if it’s true it’ll fuckin’ crush me, but before any action needs to be taken, we need to be sure. For now, everything has to carry on as normal so we don’t raise his suspicions. I still haven’t told my club brothers about Agent Consuela. I can’t, not while I’m trying so hard to keep everything together, and now I gotta deal with the new spanner that’s been thrown into the works.
Instead, I kept us focused on the decision we had to make, and I’m glad everyone agrees with me that when it comes to Burlusconi, honesty is gonna be our best policy. It’s a risk, but one I know will pay off because, like me, Raoul is a man who values trust. Although I just felt like a fraud talking about honesty among men I’m keeping something so important from.
I like the peacefulness of our chapel, a place that was, years ago, used for vacationers who wanted to worship on a Sunday. This place reminds me how time can change things. And yet, unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to have been the case with Joanne. Time hasn’t changed the way I feel about her, and that’s not a good thing. It’s very fuckin’ dangerous and I need to remind myself of the cruelty she’s capable of.
“This needs to stop.” I’m shocked as hell when I see Joanne waddle herself into my barroom and interrupt the meeting I’m having with Sheriff Roswell.
“We’ll pick this up later,” I dismiss him, and as he leaves I take a little time to admire her. She’s looking as beautiful as ever, with the huge, round belly that”s carrying my child and a look on her face that’s deadly.
“Calm yourself down, darlin’. Gettin’ all agitated ain’t good for the baby,” I warn, pulling out a seat and feeling grateful that no one else is here. Brian and Vex are the only brothers who I’ve confided in about this situation and I want it to stay that way.
“If you did as I asked, I wouldn’t have to get agitated,” Joanne points out, proving that she’s still just as stubborn as she was five months ago when she refuses the chair I offer. “You need to stop having those men follow me.” She takes a deep breath and places her hands on her hips, trying so hard to sound assertive. It’s cute.
“No.” I slouch back in my chair and fold my arms. “You”re too close to your time. I wanna know you’re safe.”
She lets out a frustrated growl and when I notice how flustered she looks, I head behind the bar to fix her an iced water.
“Jimmer, I told you how things were to be. You can’t do this, it’s not fair.” She shakes her head as she snatches the drink from my hands and takes a sip.
“And denyin’ me the chance to be a father to my kid is?” I shake my head and glance down at the wedding band that’s on her finger now. “I take it my invite to ya shotgun weddin’ got lost in the mail.” I laugh as I retake my seat and slide my hand over my mouth. Since that day on her parents” doorstep when she told me she wanted nothing to do with me, I’ve respected her request and stayed away, but that doesn’t mean I’ve let her go. I’ve had some friends of Vex’s keeping an eye on her for me ever since.
“I explained to you why it had to be this way,” she tells me as if she’s running out of patience.
“Doesn’t mean I have to accept it.” I shrug.
“I don’t need this stress. Why are you doing this?” She looks ready to burst into tears and as much as I hate it, I can’t help wanting her to feel just a fraction of my pain. If she did, she might understand.
“I’m doing this because whether you want to admit it or not, that”s my baby you”re havin’.” I point to her very protruding stomach, in case she needs a fuckin’ reminder. “And I don’t trust your sleazeball husband. I’ve done some research and I don’t like some of the things I’ve heard about him.”
“Vincent?” She laughs at me. “Vincent is the straightest man there is. He is exactly what me and my baby need.” Her hand strokes the side of her stomach.
“Our baby,” I correct her, tempted to reach out and touch it myself.
“Please don’t ruin this for me, Jimmer. I need this. Your child needs this,” she begs, and her beautiful, hurt-filled eyes, suddenly look tired and worn out.
“I deserve to be a part of my child’s life,” I remind her.
“Your child doesn”t deserve to be part of this one.” She looks around the empty room surrounding us. We’re mid-move to the Blue Spruce Resort so everything here is a little sparser than usual. “Do the right thing.” She lowers her tone to a whisper, and I hate that despite what she’s doing to me, I’m still madly in love with her.
“Joanne, you”re making a mistake.”
“No.” She rests both her hands on the table and leans over it. “I’m fixing our mistake.” Her eyes stare deep into mine, daring me to argue, and just as I’m about to tell her to screw herself, she tightly squints them shut and lets out a painful moan.
“Joanne.” I quickly stand up so I can steady her.
“It’s fine, they’re just fake contractions.” She eventually lifts her head back up and catches her breath back. “I get them from time to time. It’s normal.” She looks down to where my hand is now resting protectively over her stomach and for just a second, it looks as if she sympathizes with me.
“Do the right thing, Jimmer.” She backs away from me and steps out the door but instead of hearing it slam like I expect, I hear another one of her moans.
“Jo?” I rush toward her and the puddle around her feet suggests to me that there”s nothing fake about these contractions.
“Shit, Jimmer.” Her eyes are full of fear when they look up at me.
“Come on.” I immediately lift her off her feet and carry her toward one of the cages that are parked on the street outside.
“What are you doin’?” she asks with a useless attempt to fight me off as I slide her into the passenger seat.
“I’m doin’ the right thing. I’m gettin’ you to the hospital.” I slam the door shut before she can argue.
* * *
“Everything here”s looking good, are you sure you don’t want something for the pain?” The nurse is still seeing to Joanne when I come back from making a call to Brian. He’s gonna have to deal with the little problem Roswell brought to me this morning himself because right now I belong here. Joanne hasn’t asked me to leave yet, and I know it’s because she’s terrified. The doctors have her all hooked up to a monitor, her contractions are getting closer together and I have no idea why she ain’t taking the nurse up on her offer for pain relief.
“You know refusin’ drugs doesn’t make you a hero, Joanne.” I pass her some ice chips and watch her scowl at me when another contraction hits her. I offer her my hand and when she squeezes it tight, all my anger for her vanishes. Suddenly, I’m just grateful to be here and able to comfort her.
“Why are you determined to put yourself through so much pain?” I question her when the contraction subsides and she flops her head back on the pillow with relief. I can tell from the way she’s refusing to make eye contact that she knows I won’t like her answer.
“Vincent says it’s bad for the baby,” she admits with a casual shrug of her shoulders.
“I got two points to make on that. First one bein’ that they wouldn’t offer it ya if it was bad for the baby, and the second one bein’ Vincent ain’t here.” I raise my eyebrow at her playfully and watch her cheeks flush even redder. She barely gets any recovery time before another contraction hits her, and this time she automatically grabs my arm and squeezes the hell out of it while she wails.
I hate seeing her in pain, more than that, I hate the fact there”s nothing I can do about it.
I’m desperate to make all this right before our baby comes into the world. I want to hold it in my arms and make all the same promises to it that I made to Hayley. But I know it’s not a conversation I can have with her right now.
“Shit, they’re really starting to hurt.” She grimaces. “You should go.” Her words not only shock me, but make me fuckin’ furious.
“Are you mad? I’m not leavin’ ya like this.” I stare at her as if she’s lost her mind.
“Jimmer, please, it’s only gonna make things harder.” She doesn’t have the energy to argue, her forehead is beaded with sweat and she looks exhausted already.
“Jo, you’re about to push my baby into the world and you want me to leave?”
“I appreciate you bringing me here and staying with me all this time but you have to go now.” She tenses up when another pain comes. They’re really close together now which I’m sure means the baby will be here soon.
“Jim…” Her face drops when she looks past me toward the door and when I turn around to see what she’s looking at, a rage like I’ve never felt before heats up my veins and makes me go rigid.
“Sweetheart, I got here as soon as I could.” The asshole husband places his briefcase and folded-up raincoat on the chair beside the bed.
“What is he?—”
“Vincent, this is the guy that gave me a ride here.” She gives me that same look she gave me when she was with her folks at the dinner all those months ago and as much as I want to correct her, the desperateness in her eyes and the fact she’s currently delivering my baby gets her a hall pass.
“I had the nurse call my husband while you were in the bathroom earlier.” Joanne smiles at me like I’m just some passing fuckin’ stranger and the bastard who just showed up smirks at me as he places his hand on top of hers.
“Well, it appears I’m in your debt. You can leave now.”
“I ain’t goin’ nowhere.” I scoff a laugh at him and this whole fuckin’ situation. What Joanne just did was a real sucker punch.
Joanne shakes her head at me helplessly, then cries out when she gets another pain. Vincent-fuckin’-Walker stands beside her and watches her agony with no sign of empathy.
“I think I might speak to that nurse about the drugs.” She looks up at him when it subsides.
“No, you”re stronger than that, Joanne. No drugs. You really need to feel this experience.” He looks at me as he speaks, making me suspicious that he knows who I really am. I swear to God if the woman who’s birthing my child wasn’t between us I’d kill the bastard right here.
“Shit, there’s another coming already.” Joanne grips the bed rail looking petrified. “I feel like I need to push.”
“Can we get some help in here?” I call out the door and into the hall before rushing beside her.
“Jimmer.” She shakes her head at me when I try to comfort her and when the nurse rushes in, she takes a second to examine her and smiles.
“This baby is on its way out. I’m afraid one of you is gonna have to leave.” She looks between us, and I stand firm, refusing to not be here for her through this. Vincent doesn’t move either, or seem challenged by the fact a complete stranger is refusing to leave, which I’m taking as a certainty that he does know I’m the father.
“It’s on you, sweetheart.” The nurse looks at Joanne. Whose eyes fall on mine as she pants through her pain like the nurse told her to.
“I want my husband.” She holds my stare and rips the heart right outta my chest at the same time.
I wanna fight. I wanna scream at her and tell her she’s wrong before I beat the fuckin’ brains outta the man on the other side of the bed who she’s selected to raise my kid. But I don’t. Suddenly, I’ve become weak and good for fuckin’ nothin’. I move slowly as I back away from her. Then turning my back, I march down the corridor, hearing her scream in agony and wondering how my whole body can be numb and yet still hurting.
I feel a tear drip over my cheek just from allowing those memories back in my head and I wonder if, despite all she’s done, I’ll ever be able to hate her.
* * *
I pace the floor of the motel room and wait for Consuela, it’s unusual for her to be the one who keeps me waiting and I wonder if this is all part of her game plan. One thing that can’t be denied, is that Agent Consuela is one clever-assed bitch. Her showing up at my club proves she”s got balls too. It’s a scary combination and I’m really starting to question what she wants outta me.
“Jimmer.” She opens the door and smiles at me warmly. She’s back to looking like her usual self again. All uptight, professional, and in need of a good fuckin’.
“You shouldn’t have come to the club last night,” I growl at her.
“I don’t think you”re the person to be lecturing me on what’s right and wrong.” She rests her ass on the side unit and looks at me expectantly.
“I have somethin’ for ya,” I tell her.
“I assumed that”s why you brought me here.” Her snigger is as sexy as it is irritating.
“As you suspected, Cliff has been dealin’ with some people he shouldn’t be. He’s kept it from us and it could land us in hot water.”
“We know about the people Cliff deals with, small-time gangs aren’t an interest to me and my team.” She passes it off without interest.
“I wouldn’t call the Lambronis small-time.” I snigger, watching her demeanor change and her forehead crease with curiosity.
“But the Lambronis are Burlusconi’s biggest rivals.” She nibbles at the bait.
“Which is why we could’ve been in the shit with this.” I look back at her.
“And does Burlusconi know about this?” She fidgets on her ass cheeks uncomfortably.
“He will when I explain it to him.” I light myself up a cigarette.
“You think that’s a good idea?” she questions.
“I figure he’ll be forgivin’ if I can offer him somethin’.” I shrug.
“And what exactly is it that you think you can offer him?” Now she’s really sinking her teeth in.
“Well, it just so happens that I know an Agent who specializes in taking down big organizations like the Lambronis. How would you like that on your resume?” I blow a cloud of smoke into the air, feeling a little smug with myself.
“They aren’t who my department is looking into.” She tries to play hardball but I know that’s not true from the information Maddy and Alex put together.
“Maybe not, but they have links to the triads, who I know for a fact you got an interest in. I’m sure your superiors would be impressed.”
“What have you got on them?” She folds her arms over her chest.
“I can get you enough. I just need a little time.”
She taps her fingers against the cheap wood chip surface as if she’s planning a negotiation.
“It won’t be enough.” She shakes her head. “My task force has been given a specific target and that target is the Souls.”
“But it could be enough for now. And it’ll give me and you an opportunity to build up some trust between us.”
“What’s your end game, Jimmer Carson?” She stares at me curiously and when I stand up and step toward her, I blow the next cloud of smoke I release right at her pretty, little face.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I tell her.
She doesn’t cough and splutter like I expect her to, instead, she rubs her lips together in a way that makes my cock twitch.
“Now, are you with me on takin’ down the Lambronis?” I tilt my head.
“You get me the evidence, I’ll lock them ‘em away.” She holds out her hand for me to shake and I take it, ignoring the spark that shoots through my entire body.
“Look at that, we’re turnin’ out to be quite the team.” I snigger at her before I walk out the door.
I leave the motel room a little lighter, I got a good feeling about this plan, and when I get back to the club I make a call to Long Beach so I can fill Tawk in. I spend another hour on the phone with Burlusconi, who takes the news I give him much better than I expected. I’m sure the assurance that the Lambroni brothers will not be a problem to him for much longer, helped him keep his cool. Now, all I have to do is make sure everything falls into place.
“Am I interrupting?” I hear Joanne’s voice come from the door and when I see her standing in my kitchen, I’m unsure how I feel about it.
“No.” I grab the bottle of whiskey from the table and head out onto the balcony, knowing that she’ll follow.
“Something’s wrong.” She rests her arms on my balcony and looks out at the view.
“Everythin’s just peachy.” I pour myself a drink and smile at it sarcastically before I knock it back.
“You”re worried about something. I can tell.” She narrows her eyes at me.
“What makes ya think that, Joanne?” I turn my full attention to her, wondering what she thinks gives her the right to try and read my thoughts after all these years.
“Because it may have been a long time, but I still know you. What is it?”
“Even if you were the person who could fix it, I wouldn’t tell ya.” I scoff a laugh at her.
“Jimmer, I know you hate me for what I did and I deserve that hate, but I’m trying to do right by our daughter now.”
There’s so much I wanna say to her but I can’t. Joanne doesn’t deserve to know the thoughts that are in my head and I won’t let her back into it either.
“I think we figured out a long time ago that your idea of what’s right for our daughter and mine are very different,” I remind her, trying not to think about the man who she married and how he put his hands on my girl. I swear what we put that man through wasn’t enough.
“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if I’d have made a different choice?” She steps a little closer and when her hand reaches up to touch my face, I don’t reject it like I should.
“All I ever did was fuckin’ wonder,” I admit, handing over a little weakness for her to toy with.
“I mean it when I say I’m sorry.” She closes her eyes.
“Why’s that, Joanne? Because of the bad things that happened to her or the bad things that happened to you?” I pierce her with a stone-cold glare when she opens them again.
“Because of all of it.” She has tears running over her cheeks now and I can’t help wondering if they’re genuine. I don’t feel like I can trust anything about this woman. And yet I want to. I want to so bad that it fuckin’ hurts.
“I wish I could make it up to you, and to her.” Her lips get closer to mine and I still do nothing, not even when they connect. The touch of them brings back memories that should remain buried with the bad ones because even the best of them are tainted now. Rotten and cursed. Joanne destroyed me once and I can’t let her do it again.
All of a sudden I feel outta control. I have to remind myself of who I am. Jimmer Carson, President and Founder of The Dirty Souls MC, and I will not be controlled by anyone.
“Get outta my house.” I take Joanne by her shoulders and force her away, heading back inside to pick up my cut before I march out the door.
It’s getting dusk and I’m sure Maddy will be back from the office, so I pull up outside her and Jessie’s cabin and head inside without knocking. I walk in on the two of them fuckin’ on the kitchen table and quickly turn my back.
“Prez!” Jessie”s voice comes out much more squeaky than usual.
“I need ya to find an address for me.” I keep my eyes focused on the wall in front of me while the two of them make themselves decent.
“Right now?” I can hear the desperation in Jessie’s tone.
“Yeah, right now.” I wait until Maddy tells me she’s ready before I give her the name but I still don’t turn around. I can imagine the girl’s feeling pretty embarrassed that I’ve seen her in the position Jessie had her in and the room is so silent that I hear her fingers tapping against the keyboard as she does her magic. The irritation I’m feeling just keeps on getting stronger.
“Here.” She moves to stand in front of me, wearing Jessie’s t-shirt and an awkward look on her face as she holds out the Post-it note with an address on it.
“Prez, this woman, she’s a?—”
“I know what she is.” I snatch the paper from her hand and leave them to get back to what they were doing. Reading the address as I storm back toward my bike. I hear Jessie calling after me and when I take my saddle, I decide to hear him out before I start the engine.
“Prez, what the fuck is this? You know you’re not supposed to ride alone. And Maddy says this woman’s a fuckin’ agent.”
“This is my club, Jess, I know what I’m doin’.” I go to start up my engine but he shoves my hand off my bars in anger.
“Bullshit, this is our club and we don’t have secrets. What the fuck is goin’ on?”
“Jessie, I need you to trust me on this,” I tell him with a serious-as-shit look on my face.
“You know what hurts most… is that you don’t trust me.” He shakes his head with disappointment as he turns his back on me and storms back into his cabin.
With my heart feeling like a brick that’s sinking into my stomach I start my engine and drive away. I don’t go to the address on the Post-it note. I don’t go home. I just ride.