Chapter 45
Iwatch my daughter walk into the room with eyes so full of hope and expectation that it chokes me.
“Dad.” She rushes toward me, hugging me tight, and allowing me to absorb every single ounce of her goodness. I can’t think about the fact that this will be the last time I see her. It makes me too sad, and right now I have to show my girl that I’m okay with what’s happening.
“It’s good to see ya, darlin’.” I hold on to her for a little while longer and when I eventually let her go, she hits me with a cold hard stare as she takes her seat.
“Now, are you gonna explain to me why you’ve called every member of your club in here before me?” She crosses her arms over her chest and waits for my explanation.
“I’m sorry, it’s been tough for me, and I know it’s been tough for you too.” I hold my hands up in defense. “None of this is what I wanted for you, Ella,” I admit, already struggling to look her in the eyes. How can you stay strong when you know you”re about to break your little girl”s heart?
“Then do something about it. Listen to Jessie. Let Monica represent you and come home.” She makes it all sound so easy, and if I had one wish it would be to not have to dash all her hope.
“I wish it were that simple, sweetheart, and you need to believe me when I tell ya, it’s takin’ the only thing that none of us can avoid to drag me away from you.”
“Dad, you can beat the law, you’ve done it before.” She still has all that enthusiasm and fight behind her words and when I reach forward and take her hands in mine I savor how she looks one last time before I crush her.
“This time I ain’t up against the law, baby, this is an enemy that don’t fight fair,” I rasp, watching her face screw up with confusion.
“I’ve got a tumor, darlin’, one that refuses to stop growin’ and one that”s determined to kill me.”
Her face remains stuck, but her eyes slowly fill up with tears as she takes in what I’ve told her
“No.” Her head shakes and her hands, blanketed with mine, start to tremble. “You can’t have a tumor. I’d know about it.” The devastation she stares back at me with makes me wanna break down, but that ain’t an option.
“I didn’t allow you to know about it,” I admit.
“Why?” She looks so fuckin’ hurt that it wrenches my heart out my chest. “Because when you’ve missed out on your little girl”s life and you finally get her back, all you want is to see her be happy. I’ve watched that happen, Ella. I wasn’t gonna ruin that and give ya somethin’ to worry about.” I pull together a smile for her and hold on to my tears.
“Dad, this tumor, it needs treatment, you need a doctor. You look too strong and healthy to be sick.” I can see her head already coming up with a plan. New hope, that I just can’t let her have.
“I look that way because I’ve had no treatment.” I squeeze her hand a little tighter and make her focus. “None of that was ever an option for me. By the time I noticed there was somethin’ wrong it was already too advanced. What I needed was acceptance, and I needed to have it before I told you.”
“You can’t just accept this, you have to fight it. Dad, you always fight.”
“Ella, I’ve fought, I was supposed to be dead four months ago. But time is running out now.”
“So why the hell are you spending that time in here? You need to be at home with us.” She’s angry, which I expected. There are many emotions to go through when coming to grips with something like this, and I’ve been through ‘em all.
“That’s never what I wanted, Ella. I’ve wanted to be a part of your life for so long there is no way I will spend the last few months of mine being a burden to you.”
“A burden?” Her eyes stretch wide as if I’ve stabbed her in the chest. “You’re my dad,” she whispers weakly.
“Ella, this is my decision and I understand that, right now, you”re shocked and you’re gonna let emotion cloud your judgment. But what I’m doin’ is the right thing. It’s the answer to the club’s problem and to mine. You need Nyx, your children need their father.”
“And I need mine!” she shouts at me desperately. Ripping her hands from mine and standing up from her chair.
“You can’t tell me this, and expect me to be okay with what you”re doing. You can’t die alone. You can’t die at all. We have a whole life together. You promised me that when I came to the club.” Watching her break into tears takes all that acceptance I’ve been working on and bursts it into flames. But I still manage to keep calm, watching as she backs away from me till her shoulders hit the wall. Then with wide, petrified eyes that are flitting around like her head is trying to find a resolution, she slumps down onto the floor and sobs into her hands.
“Ella.” I get up and go to her, sitting down beside her, taking her hand, and resting my head back against the door. “There is nothin’ in this world that I wouldn’t give to be able to keep that promise. I don’t wanna miss out on all the amazin’ things you”re gonna do with your life. But this is the one decision I don’t get to make.” I look at her hand in mine and treasure how she clings to me. “I refuse to leave a world that has given me a family like the one I got, with anger in my heart.” I squeeze her hand tight in mine and bring it to my lips. “Gettin’ you back was the best thing that ever happened to me, and our time together may have been short, but we sure crammed a lotta love into it.” I need her to listen to every word I tell her because there”s nothing that matters more to me in the world than her.
“What am I gonna do without you?” She sniffs away tears and I take my arm and wrap it around her shoulder. “You ain’t gonna be doin’ nothin’ alone. You got Nyx, you got my brothers and all the girls at the club. I know for a sure fact that you”re gonna be okay.” I kiss the top of her head when she rests it on my shoulder.
“So, what happens now? You let these people put you away and then you let all the men, who want to hurt you, kill you before that tumor does?” I feel her body shudder at the thought of it.
“That’s the plan. Ya see this way I beat the tumor, and I get to know that you, and everyone I care about live happy lives, together. That’s a real nice feelin’ to go out on, Ella.”
“I can’t let you do it.” I feel her tears soak through the top I’m wearing and when I place my finger under her chin and raise her head back up to look at me, I smile at her.
“And I can’t leave you in this world, without knowin’ you’re protected.” I smile at her sadly.
“Dad…” She cries so helplessly as she runs outta words and shows me she understands, by nodding her head for me.
“Shhhh, ya don’t need to say anythin’. Let’s just sit here together for a little while.” I snuggle her back into my chest and rest my chin on the top of her head, closing my eyes and letting the tears she can’t see, stream over my cheeks and fall into her hair.