29. Jamie
I’ve been so stupid.
My guts are churning, I should have known better, I should have cancelled movie night.
Having this conversation was inevitable but my planning could have been so much better.
Now I realise that hope is an evil bitch, who has led me down this godforsaken path.
With every fibre of my being, I’d hoped that Scarlett would understand.
That she’d see my thought process was right and we could rejoin this path in a few months.
But no, I’ve hurt her beyond compare.
Not only have I lost Tom, but I’ve lost the only true friend I had left.
Those intimate words, ‘Fuck me’, still hang heavy in the air around me.
I can see her face in my mind’s eye, she looked horrified when I turned her down.
That image will haunt me forever.
I should have taken things at a much slower pace.
Kissing her was my first mistake, but the way her tongue flicked across my lips to dance with mine drove me on.
It had been exactly the wrong thing to do, if I’d stopped that first kiss maybe she’d still be here now.
Instead, she’s driving home alone.
Not only alone, but devastated because I’ve rejected her. “Fuck!”
I scream out as my fist slams against the countertop.
I can’t be the man she deserves.
That man left the day Tom’s truck blew up in front of me.
I pull one of the kitchen chairs out and slump into it, allowing my head to fall and rest upon my folded arms.
What have I done? Sitting there in the dark, the silence surrounds me and it feels complete.
That’s when the tears begin to fall.
The soft click of the light switch disturbs my despair, and I rub my face along my forearm before I lift my head to see my mum standing in the doorway.
“Can I come in?”
she asks softly.
I can only nod in response; my vocal cords seem to have left the building with Scarlett.
Mum moves quietly across the room and flicks the switch on the kettle.
She busies herself preparing two cups with teabags and milk while she waits for it to boil, all while allowing the silence to remain.
Once the tea making is complete, Mum moves to sit next me, placing a cup in front of me.
My hands go to cradle the cup, enjoying the sting the heat creates in my palms.
I deserve to feel the pain from the too hot ceramic.
“I overheard most of the conversation, but do you want to talk about it?”
Mum asks gently.
Normally, I’d say no and walk away.
I’m not the world’s greatest conversationalist but these damn therapy sessions seem to have flicked a switch in me.
“Scarlett hates me,”
the words sting more when I say them out loud.
“I’ve been so stupid.
I never should’ve let things start up with us.”
My breath stutters in my throat as I speak.
“I’ve betrayed Tom and his parents.
They’ll never forgive me for hurting Scarlett like this.”
Mum reaches across the short distance and rests her hand on my arm.
She takes a sip of her tea, “Was it your decision or hers?”
Mum turns in her seat to face me.
“I suppose it doesn’t really matter who called it, but I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.
I don’t think Scarlett is capable of hating anyone, and as for you,”
she runs her hand up my arm, rubbing my bicep.
“You wouldn’t hurt anyone, intentionally.
Jack and Julia know that.
Maybe you both just need some time,”
the sympathetic look on her face almost breaks me and I shake my head.
“We’ve gone beyond needing time, and for the record, she does hate me.
She’s gone home in tears.
Those tears are because of me, because I told her we can’t be together.
Not in the sense she want’s, anyway.”
I’ve abandoned the tea now in favour of cradling my head in my hands.
“I’m not who she needs right now.
My life isn’t stable; I’m not stable.
How did I think I could take care of Scarlett when I can’t take care of myself? What the hell was I thinking?”
“Do you think that maybe you’ve overreacted a little? I mean, is this really what you want? I think you and Scarlett are perfect together but I understand why you might not think this is the right time.”
I look at my mother with utter contempt at her lack of understanding of the situation.
“Don’t look at me like that, Jamie.
I’m just trying to find out what’s going on in that head of yours.
I thought these therapy sessions were supposed to help you see things more clearly.”
I almost growl my response.
“I’m overreacting? Really? I’m trying to be realistic, for Christ’s sake.
How can I be the man she needs me to be when all I want to do is drink myself into oblivion most days? The therapy sessions are making me see things more clearly, they’ve made me realise that I’m not who everyone thinks I am,”
I know my mother is upset at my outburst, I’ve never really raised my voice at her before but I cannot get a handle on my emotions now.
Everything feels too big.
“I’m not going back to the army.
I don’t have a job lined up because it could take months for my discharge to come through fully.
I’m not exactly catch of the century now, am I?”
The chair legs make a horrible scraping noise as I push back from the table.
Mum physically jumps at the noise and I feel like shit again.
“I thought she’d see my side, I thought she’d agree that it was all too soon and we need time to deal with all this shit, but no.
Scarlett thinks I don’t love her, but I do.
I love her more than I realised I ever could.”
The water sputters as I turn on the tap, covering me in cold water.
I run my hand down my T-shirt to wipe away the water droplets.
“I’ve really screwed up this time,”
turning the cup upside down, I place it on the draining board and turn to rest my back against the kitchen units.
“We can’t work as a couple, but now I’ve lost her as a friend, too.
I’m a fucking idiot for letting it get this far.”
Before my mother can respond, I’ve made my way out of the kitchen and I’m heading upstairs to my room.
Being alone is the only option for me, now and in the future.
I hear Mum scurrying to come after me, she’s frightened to leave me alone these days and I only have myself to blame for that.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid.
I just want to be alone with my misery.”
I slam my bedroom door shut like a petulant teenager.
Leaning my back against the door, I allow myself to slide down to the floor.
I wrap my arms around my knees and pull them into my chest.
Tonight is going to be the first in a long line of lonely days and nights.
Mum’s breathing is audible through the closed, wooden door and I hesitate for a moment.
The need to make sure she’s okay bears heavy on my shoulders but I don’t have the energy to deal with her emotion as well as my own.
Mum taps lightly on my bedroom door, “I’m going to get into bed, but if you need anything, please come and get me.
I just want to help.”
I know she won’t sleep a wink tonight and that only adds to my already guilt-ridden state of mind.
When I don’t answer, she says “Goodnight, sweetie,”
and I hear her slippered footsteps disappear down the landing towards her room.
When my alarm wakes me at just after six the following morning, I realise I never made it into bed, the carpet has left a slight imprint in my cheek from where I fell asleep on the floor, and my back feels like I’ve been in a fight, it’s that stiff and sore.
My instincts are to check my phone for a message from Scarlett, but when I see there are none, I’m disappointed but not surprised.
My running gear is laid on the chair in the corner of my room, where I left it yesterday in preparation for today’s run.
After several moments of contemplation, I decide a run is exactly what I need to clear my head.
Once I’m dressed in the exercise gear, I head down to my mother’s room and peer around the door.
I’m relieved to see she’s at least managed to fall asleep despite the worry I caused her.
Silently, I pull the door closed and tiptoe down the stairs, avoiding all the creaky ones I mapped out as a child.
As I close the front door behind me, I’m assaulted by the late summer, early morning air.
It smells crisp and fresh, and I breathe deeply, allowing the cool air to fill my lungs. The garden gate creaks noisily and I cringe as I look up at my mum’s bedroom window. The curtains remain closed and there’s no sign that I’ve woken her up, thankfully. The road is quiet and allows me to make my way across it to the park, where I stretch out my muscles before I embark on a few laps around the only green space we have for miles around.