30. Scarlett
I’ve tossed and turned all night, replaying every second of the evening over and over again.
Still, I’ve come up with nothing.
I can’t pinpoint a single second during the night that might have contributed to everything going to rat shit.
My alarm rings out and I really don’t want to get out of bed, there has been the sum total of ninety minutes sleep but I know I have to get up and face the day ahead.
My phone vibrates on my bedside table and my arm shoots out to grab it, hopeful that it’s a text from Jamie.
That thought causes me to pause for a second.
Do I want to hear from him? I’m not sure I do, but curiosity gets the better of me and I pick up the phone to unlock the screen.
It’s not Jamie, thankfully, but it is Pat and tears spring to my eyes as I read her words.
Morning sweetie, just wanted to say I’m thinking about you and hope you’re okay.
You know where I am if you need me x
Rivers of tears run down my cheeks as I re-read the kind words she’s written.
She obviously heard everything last night and that pains me on a much deeper level.
Grabbing the hem of my pj top, I run it over my eyes to wipe away the moisture.
As I’m trying to formulate a reply another text appears from Pat.
I think he’s an idiot by the way x
That makes me smile.
He is an idiot but I thought he was my idiot.
I tap out a quick response thanking her for being so nice to me and apologising for waking her, all at the same time.
Then, I throw the covers back and head for a shower.
I need to get to work, there is no way I can miss another day.
So, despite feeling like shit, I step under the steaming hot water and allow it to scold my skin.
The sting of the water replaces the pain that’s been stabbing at my heart for the last twelve hours, and I’m grateful for the moments of respite.
The water from the shower mingles with fresh tears and I grant myself permission to acknowledge the pain and hurt Jamie has caused.
As I stand in front of the mirror all I can see is my mother reflected back at me.
The dark circles and lines around my eyes are more prominent than they were yesterday.
It’s going to take a lot to make me look presentable this morning.
So, I set to work with my make-up, it’s a kind of paint by numbers morning as I try to hide the circles and brighten my skin.
Heading downstairs, I hear my dad in the kitchen singing along to Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters and I make a swift right turn and head for the front door instead of joining him in the kitchen.
I can’t deal with that right now.
As the door clicks shut behind me, I shudder as the crisp air assaults my senses, and pull my jacket a little tighter around me.
It would be a good day to walk to work and clear my head but I’ve left it too late.
So, I slip into my car, the engine roars to life and I pull out into the traffic, my heart isn’t in it but maybe the hustle and bustle of work will keep me from dwelling on what might have been and help me resist the urge to march around to see Jamie.
Because that is not what either of us needs today.
There remains a lot left to say, well for me anyway.
Five minutes into my drive to work and a call from Rachel comes through on my hands-free system.
For a brief moment, I contemplate dismissing the call but can’t bring myself to do that to my best friend.
Even though I’m still hurt that she’s moving halfway across the country for work.
“Morning, how was movie night?”
Rachel’s voice echoes around my car as I press the button to accept the call.
Now there’s a question I wasn’t prepared for.
“I really wanted to see that film.
Miles Teller is right up my street,”
her giggles fill the void within me and make me smile ever so slightly.
“He is that.
Not my thing but I get it,”
I flick the indicator stalk up and begin to turn down the road that will lead me right to work.
It’s a strain to keep my voice light and airy and I huff out a breath as I try to compose myself.
“What’s wrong? I can tell there’s something up.
What are you not telling me,”
Rachel probes.
I guess my efforts were not enough.
“Are you alright; is Jamie… okay?”
her voice wavers as she speaks.
“Oh God, he hasn’t done it again, has he?”
The indicator makes that annoying click, click noise as I find a safe place to pull over.
Driving isn’t an option right now; I can’t speak through the huge lump in my throat and my vision is now fogged with unshed tears.
My breath stutters in my throat and a strangled sob escapes my lips, “It’s over.
He ended it,”
my hands grip the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles are white and my fingernails are digging into the palms of my hands.
“He doesn’t think we’re a good idea.”
Rachel sounds breathless as she speaks and I can hear her scrambling around, “Where are you? I’m running to my car now, stay where you are and I’ll come get you.”
That’s what best friends do and I don’t doubt she’ll rescue me whenever I need her to, but I have to pull myself together.
With a deep, steadying breath, I manage to respond.
“No, you don’t need to.
I’m in the carpark at work.
I have to go in, I can’t take the day off just because Jamie doesn’t want me,”
and that’s the reality hit.
Jamie doesn’t want me.
The long and short of it is he’s made his decision, doesn’t matter how much anyone tries to dress it up, I’m not in his future plans.
“Rachel, I’ll call you later.
Don’t worry.”
I press the button to end the call and pull down the sun visor so I can peer in the mirror.
The sight that greets me isn’t pleasant, and I thought I looked rough this morning.
After a quick delve through my handbag, I find a bit of concealer and start trying to blend away the red blotches that now mar my skin.
Once I’m satisfied, I don’t look like a blotchy mess, I reach for my water bottle and take a well needed drink, the cold water soothes my throat and allows me a moment to gather myself.
I startle when there is a knock on my window and I turn to see Delia bent over, peering into my car.
Delia is my boss, she’s the nicest woman I’ve ever met, and has offered unending support since Tom died.
From turning up in the first few days with meals she’d cooked for us, to decorating the church for the funeral.
She’d wanted to make sure the flowers were exactly right, and she’d filled the space with bluebells and purple hyacinths bound together with forget-me-nots and white gypsophila.
That’s one of the better memories I have of the day, the scent those flowers emitted on such a horrible morning is something I’ll never forget.
As I step out of my car, Delia wraps me in the tightest embrace and tells me, “Go home, Scarlett.”
When I try to protest, she makes shushing noises as she rubs her hands up and down my back soothing me.
“Rachel called me, she’s on her way.”
Delia holds me at arm’s length before she continues.
“You and I both know I can’t argue with her.
Your job will be here waiting for you just as soon as you’re ready, please don’t rush yourself.
Take as much time as you need, no job is worth risking your health for.”
Delia cocks her head to the side and reaches up to tuck my hair behind my ear so she can see properly.
“She told me what happened, with Jamie and you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this after everything else you’ve endured.”
She produces a tissue and using a corner, she pats dry my cheeks.
“Oh Scarlett, why didn’t you just call me?”
I’m pulled back into her warm embrace as the floodgates open, once again.
You’d think I had no tears left considering the amount I’ve shed over the last few months, but somehow, they just keep coming.
“Rachel shouldn’t have called you, I just need a minute, that’s all.”
With a swift shake of my head, I attempt to right my posture and run my fingers through my hair.
The less dishevelled I can make myself look, the better.
With my bag hiked up on my shoulder I take a breath and blow it back out again.
“I want to be at work, wallowing at home isn’t good for me.”
There’s a forced smile plastered on my face as I look at Delia, trying to convince her I’m not the wreck I look.
“I absolutely should have called Delia.
Look at you, you’re in no fit state to be at work.
Your brother died a few weeks ago and your boyfriend pulled a bastard move on you last night, breaking your heart,”
Rachel is standing beside me now, her sunglasses are resting on the top of her head, holding her hair back from her face.
She looks flawless, as usual.
“I’m taking you home, and then I’m going find Jamie Kasper and rip his balls off.
Then, if he’s lucky, I won’t force feed them to him.”
The sigh that escapes me is more audible than I intended, and earns me the side-eye from both Rachel and Delia.
“He’s not my boyfriend, I think we established that already.”
And now I can’t stop the tears from falling again.
Delia offers me a sympathetic arm pat and Rachel almost growls as she slides her designer shades back down over her eyes.
“I’m going to fucking kill him with my bare hands.
Get in my car, there’s no way you can drive like that.”
Rachel confiscates my car keys and holds her arm out to the right, pointing to where her car is parked.
“Thanks for intercepting her, Delia.”
Rachel leans in to kiss Delia’s cheek and then I’m ushered the few steps it takes to reach her car.
“Please, don’t speak to Jay.
I just want to forget everything and move on,”
my voice is barely a whisper.
Rachel checks her mirrors, pulls out of the carpark and onto the main road before she responds.
“Oh, I won’t be speaking to him, I’ll be doing much worse than that.
Now, let’s not mention his name again, or I may just hunt him down right now.”
So we spend the rest of the journey back to Rachel’s in silence, with me staring out into the abyss as it whizzes past the car window.