31. Jamie
The temptation to call Scarlett has been strong, but I’ve managed to hold off.
I don’t want to give her any false hope.
I haven’t changed my mind about us, it’s not the right time.
I just wish she could see that.
But I’ll wear the ‘Bastard’ tag as a well-earned badge of honour.
The wrong kind of honour, I know, and I’ll admit this whole thing is not one of my better moments in life.
My only hope now is that we can salvage something of our friendship, but I’m not hopeful.
That’s going to take time, I need to rebuild the trust first but I can only do that once I’m in a better position mentally.
The therapy sessions have taught me that, if nothing else, I have to put my needs first and re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings.
“I’m going across to the park, the under thirteens are training again today, thought I’d see if I can help out,”
the ice-cold water from the fridge dispenser spills over the top of my water bottle as I fill it, coating my hand.
“I’ll eat when I get back.”
Mum’s lasagne sits on plate ready for me to warm up when I’m ready.
It’s one of my favourite meals so she’s taken to cooking it all the time for me, it’s her way of looking after me.
“You’ll need one of those security check things, won’t you?”
She’s peering at me over the rim of her glasses as she continues to put the dishes away.
“I’m not sure they’ll let you volunteer without one, but I think getting involved would be a good thing.
You know, it’ll give you some focus and you’ll help those kiddies no end.”
“They’re called DBS checks; I’ve got one already but I think they need to be specific to each organisation.
I’m going to wander over anyway, I can ask one of the coaches,”
I lean over the counter to kiss her cheek.
I’ve put her through too much crap these last few weeks and I don’t think she knows how much I appreciate her.
“Leave the rest of those, I’ll do them when I’ve eaten later.”
Her hand reaches up to cradle my cheek just like she used when I was small.
“You have a good heart,”
I grab her hand to place a kiss there before I leave.
“They’ll be lucky to have you.”
Right now, I don’t feel like my heart is good, it feels cold and unable to function properly but I won’t shatter her with that snippet of information just now.
So instead of replying I offer her a weary and smile and head out of the door.
The lads are on good form again tonight.
Josh takes a shot on goal and scores; he’s upped his celebration to a cartwheel today instead of the usual knee slide he graces us with.
Ben, his grandad, cheers loudly from where he stands next to me.
“I thought I’d offer my help as a volunteer, who do you think is best to speak to?”
I ask Ben once we’ve cheered and applauded Josh’s goal for a reasonable length of time.
Ben turns to face me, “Come on, I’ll introduce you to Mike.
He’ll be grateful of the help, I’m sure.”
With that, I’m striding around the edge of the pitch alongside Ben to speak to the coach.
There’s a flutter in my stomach, before I would have said it was excitement but it feels more like apprehension today.
These feelings are all new to me, I’m not used to being nervous.
In my job I have to make split second decisions and the outcomes of those affect the whole of my squadron.
Deciding to volunteer for an under-thirteen’s football club isn’t a life changing decision.
Well, it shouldn’t be, but here we are.
“Mike, this young man would like to talk to you about volunteering with the team, I told him you’re the one to speak with,”
Ben pat’s me on the arm.
“Jamie, I’ll leave you to it.”
He gives us both a nod and then turns to focus his attention back on his grandson and the game.
After a lengthy discussion, Mike agrees I can volunteer and gives me the website I need to apply for the DBS check.
“You can help out while you wait for that to come through, you just can’t be alone with the kids, but I’ll be here all the time anyway.
Given your background, the check should be through pretty quickly,”
I reach out to shake Mike’s hand, the feeling of accomplishment sits well with me.
“We train Tuesdays and Thursdays and then there’s a match every weekend during the season.
So, I guess I’ll see you Thursday, I’ll bring the paperwork I need you to complete then, too.”
“I knew he’d bite your hand off, they don’t get any funding, so any help they can get is much appreciated.”
Ben waves at his grandson who is showboating on the pitch, when I turn to look, Josh is practising his back flips and misses a pass from one of the other lads.
His arms shoot up in the air as he begins to shout at his team mates.
“That’ll teach him.”
Ben states nonchalantly and I can’t help but throw my head back in laughter.
It’s the first time I’ve properly laughed in such a long time and I can’t tell you how good it feels.
When I turn to look at Ben he’s smiling and it feels like we’ve made a connection.
It doesn’t matter how small that is, it all counts towards my healing.
“I guess we’ll be seeing a bit more of each other then,”
my arms come to rest on the railing that runs around the pitch, both of us now focussed on the training.
“I hope the kids take it easy on me, although they can’t be any worse than the lads back at base.”
My mind wanders for a second, taking me back to better days where the banter was part of our everyday existence.
The constant ribbing went hand in hand with the job.
That’s how friendships are built and memories made.
I only wish they could eradicate my most recent memories of being a soldier.
Ben turns to look at me, “You’ve never worked with kids, have you? They’ll have all sorts of tricks up their sleeves for the new guy, just you wait and see!”
I know he’s not joking, and I can’t help but chuckle.
“Bring it on,”
I say, making a mental note to think up some of my own little pranks to keep them on their toes.
“They’ve met their match with me, Ben.
Just you wait and see.”
With that I stand tall and make ready to head home.
“Gotta go, things to do.
I’ll see you Thursday, say hi to Josh for me.”
“Is it date night with your lovely young lady?”
Ben asks out of the blue and my breath stutters in my chest.
“I miss date nights with my Betsy, God rest her soul.
Make sure you hang to that one, relationships are precious and need to be nurtured.”
Deep down, I know I need to say that Scarlett and I are no more, but something inside me stops the words from forming.
It’s probably a side effect of the gut wrenching feeling that’s suddenly taken up residence in the pit of my stomach.
I should hang my head in shame but instead, all I do is nod before I turn to walk away.