40. Jamie
Pushing the laptop lid closed, I sit for a minute and gaze out of the kitchen window onto the garden.
Completing the seven clicks to freedom questions has hit home and now I feel like I’m in limbo.
The leaves on the trees are starting to turn and drop over the lawn.
I make a mental note to clear them away and cut the grass later.
Mum can’t manage it as easily now, and Charlie’s too busy getting ready for the baby coming, so I need to step up and help out more now I’m home.
This whole discharge process could take months so I’ll have plenty of time on my hands, but thankfully the zoom call with my Commanding Officer has calmed me somewhat.
I don’t have to return to base; I’m officially on long term sick leave until my discharge goes through.
The sound of Mum opening and closing the front door pulls me from my reverie. “Hey, I’m in the kitchen,”
I call out as I stand and make my way to the sink to fill the kettle.
As I pull two cups from the rack and drop teabags in them, Mum appears beside me and drops her shopping bags onto the countertop. “Tea?”
I ask even though I’ve already prepared both cups.
“Oh, yes, I’m parched, thanks.”
I watch as she begins to load up the fridge with fresh food she’s bought.
“I picked up a couple of nice steaks from the butchers, thought we could have those for dinner tonight.
I’ll let you cook them though, I always end up overdoing them,”
she chuckles as she looks up at me and her eyes shine brightly.
“How did your call go this morning?”
She asks as I pour the hot water into the waiting cups.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
With a nod of my head, I pick up both cups and carry them across to the table, once I’ve pulled out a chair for Mum, I sit beside her and wrap my hands around the cup.
“I don’t have to go back to base,”
I don’t miss the relief in Mum’s eyes as I say that.
She’s been worried about me going back for weeks, even though I reassured her it wouldn’t happen.
“I’ve completed all the paperwork I needed to do online, and my CO said they’ve received the report from Dr Munroe, so it’s just a waiting game now.”
Mum reaches across the table and grasps my hand, giving it a squeeze as she does.
“So, it looks like you’re stuck with me for a while.”
“I would never call it being stuck with you, I love having you at home, you know that.”
She’s studying me as she speaks, I’ve got used to her trying to look for any signs of me about to have a meltdown over the last couple of months.
It really pissed me off at first but now, I get it.
I get that she’s frightened for me and that she wants to help in any way she can.
“You can be… difficult to live with sometimes, but I understand that’s all part of this trauma.
We’ll muddle through it together.”
My head lowers a little as my gaze fixates on the contents of my cup.
“I have to look for a job, a proper job, not just volunteering with the football team.
But there’s no rush for that, and I’ll have check-ins with my CO every couple of weeks or so for a while but that’s pretty much it until they sign me out.”
There’s a mixture of relief and anxiety swirling around my stomach.
It feels like unfinished business.
“That man who had a heart attack on the park is doing okay,”
the swift change in subject has me feeling a bit more settled.
“His daughter came to tell us, he’s going to be alright,”
“Well, that’s wonderful news,”
Mum stands from the table, taking both cups with her to the sink.
“See, good things do happen to good people.”
“She called me a hero; it didn’t feel right.”
I can’t move from where I’m sitting, my legs are like lead weights, pinning me to the chair, and my arms feel like they’re rooted to the tabletop.
“I told her I didn’t do anything, not really, but she wasn’t having any of it.”
Mum stops what she’s doing and turns to face me, “Why didn’t it feel right? You saved his life,”
her brow is furrowed in confusion as she dries her hands on the towel.
There’s a struggle to find the right words to describe what I mean, and how I’m feeling.
Fuck, this therapy shit has really done a number on me.
I psychoanalyse the shit out of everything now.
“Doing my job… the things that I was required to do, they sometimes mean that people die.
And sometimes those people are innocent and don’t deserve to die,”
the breath stutters in my chest and forces me to take a minute.
“I may have played some part in saving his life, but I’ve taken countless other lives.
Saving one man doesn’t make me a hero.”
My mother is by my side in seconds, surrounding me in love and holding me tightly as the emotion of my words overpower both of us.
Once she’s composed herself, she begins to try and rationalise with me.
“Listen, you did the job you were trained to do, you fought for your country and defended the lives and rights of thousands of people.
You’ve protected the future for so many children in those countries, you’ve given hope where there wasn’t any.
Of course you’re a hero, Jamie.”
The haze of emotion clouds my vision as she continues.
“Whether you’re a soldier or not, it doesn’t matter.
It’s what you hold inside that counts.
If you’d never joined up, you’d still be a hero to lots of people.
That’s just who you are, you’re a good person who did a great job in the army, and you’ll go on to do great things once you’ve left.
There’s a world waiting for you to discover, you’ll find your way.”
We sit together at the table for quite a while, neither one of us ready to break the connection.
I’m aware of the hell I’ve rained down on my mother over the past few months.
It’s going to take a lot for me to put that right and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to erase the pain I’ve caused her.
Lord knows, I intend to fight to make that right.
There’s lots of things I need to make amends for.
I’m just not sure where to start when it comes to Scarlett, though.
“I want to see Scar yesterday.
Jack wouldn’t let me in,”
the hurt from that is still raw and at the forefront of my mind.
“I wanted to explain and put things right but he said no.
He said I’d let him down, and that really hit me hard.”
Mum lifts a hand to my cheek and offers me a kind of I-told-you-so-but-I’m-sorry smile.
“I bet that was a hard lesson to learn, I know how much you love Jack and Julia, and how much they love you.”
“Loved.
I’m pretty sure they don’t feel that way about me now,”
“Stop it.
They’re just protecting their daughter.
Any parent would do the same.
Give them time and they’ll come around.”
She pauses for a second.
“I’ll be honest though, Jamie.
I don’t think you should try and see Scarlett until you’ve figured out what it is you want.
If you’re just friends and it went too far, fair enough.
And I’m sure she’ll understand that and forgive you, in time.
But you broke that girl’s heart.
She was all in, and if we’re being honest, she’s always been in love with you.”
I open my mouth to defend myself but she shoots me that look that only a mother can, and my mouth closes instantly.
“Are you in love with Scarlett? That’s the real question.”
I answer in a heartbeat, “Yes, I am.
I’m in love with her.
I love her.”
It’s a reality I’ve avoided acknowledging for the last few weeks but now Mum has asked me outright, the answer is obvious.
Apparently, it’s been evident to everyone but me.
“Scarlett needs to know that she isn’t just a replacement best friend now that Tom’s gone.
She needs to know you love her for who she is, not the memories she can keep alive for you.
More importantly, she needs to know you will never hurt her again.”
Mum’s eyes are boring into my soul.
“If you do, you’ll have me to answer to, never mind Jack and Julia.”
“I’ve really fucked up, haven’t I?”
Her hand raises quickly and she swipes at my shoulder.
“Jamie Kasper, I do not want to hear that language from you,”
she tsks as she runs her hands over her top, smoothing out imaginary creases.
“But yes, you have fucked it up.
And now you need to fix it.”