Epilogue
JAMIE
Six months later
T he last year has been the worst and best year of my life. Tom’s death, along with losing half of my unit, has changed me forever. I’m not the person I once was, and I doubt I’ll ever be again. Today, I have my last appointment with Doctor Munroe. It’s a bitter sweet moment, when I started these sessions I hated them, I would have done anything necessary to get out of attending but I’m grateful for them now. There’s a part of me that’s fearful of ending this connection.
The door to his office opens and Dr Munroe welcomes me inside. “Jamie, it’s good to see you. It’s been a few weeks,” he indicates towards the chair for me to take a seat.
I shake his hand and then sit. “Yeah, it’s been a while,” getting comfortable in this environment has become much easier.
“So, how are you feeling?” Dr Munroe dives straight in, but I’ve come to like his no nonsense approach. It also doesn’t give me anywhere to hide. The urge to gloss over the crap in my life will always be there, but in here, within these four walls, I can let it all go.
“I feel lighter,” it’s a weird way to explain the how I’m feeling but it’s the truth. My load in life seems to have shifted, I no longer carry the weight of everything on my own. “Don’t get me wrong, I still feel sad about losing Tom and half of my unit; guilty even, at my lowest times. There are days when that sadness consumes me but I feel like I have the tools to deal with it now and refocus on the good in my life.”
My response is greeted with a broad smile, and it’s genuinely the best feeling ever. “That’s good to hear. It’s all down to the work you’ve put in. Making adjustments to your thought process is difficult at the best of times, but when we go through trauma responses it’s imperative.” He reaches down and picks his coffee cup up to take a drink. “You say you still have feelings of guilt around Tom’s death. Why the guilt? What did you do wrong to feel guilty about?”
We’ve explored this thought process before and I know I’m not supposed to feel guilty but I don’t think I’ll ever get passed that. “I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I followed protocol. I couldn’t have stopped them driving over the IED, there was no way of knowing it was there,” my body begins to respond to the memories and my heart rate spikes. Instantly, I begin the breathing techniques I’ve been practising and within minutes I’m back in control. “But I just wish there had been something I could’ve done. I’ve stopped trying to get inside Tom’s head though.”
“Wow, that’s a big step, a very positive move forward for you. How has that helped?” Dr Munroe scribbles a few lines of notes down in his pad as I prepare my answer.
My words are very considered and thought out, “It’s given me permission to move on. I no longer worry what he’d think about Scarlett and I being together. I know he’d have given me hell at the beginning, but I also know he’d have come around and he’d be happy for us.” I glance out of the window, giving myself time to reflect. The rain’s stopped and there’s a break in the clouds, it feels metaphoric and brings a smile to my face.
“So how are things between you and Scarlett? I know there’s been challenges along the way.” I let out a soft chuckle, what he means is I screwed up, but that’s not therapist friendly speak.
Life with Scarlett is good, better than good to be honest. Life with her by my side feels right, like I can make all the right choices. “We’re doing okay, we pick up the keys for our own house next week. She’s an angel.” And I don’t say that lightly. But she is an angel, she was put on this earth for me. We were meant to be together, and Tom would accept that, I know he would. “I mean, there’s days when I’m impossible to be around, but she helps me see the light again. Every day, I strive to be better, for her.” Just thinking about her brings me the energy and focus I need to start our life together as a unit.
“So, tell me Jamie, what does the future look like now for you? What’s next?” Dr Munroe rests his hands loosely in his lap, his fingers intertwined as he waits for me to carry on.
The future.
Now that’s something I didn’t think I deserved not so long ago; I didn’t think I was entitled to have a happy outlook.
Scarlett has taught me so much, she lost her brother the day I lost my best mate but she’s never once let that stop her from carrying on, and living her life.
“My outlook on the future has changed dramatically, there’s a life out there for me.
Don’t get me wrong, if you cut me in half, I’d have soldier written right through my core.
Like a stick of rock.
It’s who I am.
I’m not an ex-soldier, I’m a former soldier. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be something else, too.”
“Well, we move into the house next week, Scarlett’s starting her new job as an assistant editor for a publishing company.
It’s her dream job, we thought we’d have to relocate but she can work remotely most of the time, so that’s good.
And I start a new job in a couple of weeks with the local youth project.
They give kids in the area a purpose when they might not have otherwise had opportunities available to them.
I’m looking forward to that, it’s like giving something back.
I’ll carry on volunteering with the under-thirteens football team, too.”
Josh and Ben wouldn’t let me leave, anyway.
Ben made a full recovery from the heart attack and is looking after himself properly now, thank God, and he’s a permanent fixture on the side lines every week.
He said something to me last week that resonated with me and it’s become a kind of mantra for me.
Face the future with fortitude; the three Fs.
And that’s what I plan on doing.
THE END