Chapter 31 #2
Without my phone to squeeze in my pocket, I resort to holding the plushie like it's a life preserver in stormy waters. I become a zombie during the drive, answering his attempts at distraction with only grunts or shrugs. Deep down, I’m grateful for his patience and compassion, even if I’m showing it poorly.
Neither of us are naive. We both foresaw this possibility, even if neither of us came out and acknowledged it.
Maybe Eric’s additional years of experience in the league clued him in, but for me, there was still a sliver of mixed hope.
By the time we make it back to the sleepy quiet of his home, the silence speaks the truth: I must no longer be a Comet. No courtesy message, no “thank you for your time with us”, no goodbyes from my teammates. This isn’t a bad breakup, it’s outright ghosting.
We pull into the driveway, and my mood is at the lowest it's been in weeks.
The truck door slams shut behind me, and I sulk inside, dragging myself across the threshold to retreat to the living room couch.
I fall back onto the cushions, one arm draped over my face, the other clutching the stuffed animal to my chest.
Eric sits down beside me on the couch and pulls my legs into his lap.
He unlaces my boots and tugs off my shoes and socks.
He rubs my feet in an effort to calm me down.
His strong fingers know how to apply the right amount of pressure, offering a much needed diversion—at least until a series of soft pings come from his jacket.
Eric fishes out my phone and hands it to me. The sympathy in his eyes says everything, causing my heart to shrivel into a husk inside my chest.
It’s a group of texts from Robbie. He’s apologizing profusely for how today played out, even though the Comets’ lack of decorum isn’t his fault.
Robbie
I’m so sorry, James. My contact said they’re looking elsewhere for a new goalie. They’re probably not going to resign you.
I’m frustrated too. They strung you along. No one expects this much disrespect from an organization, but it happens.
Don’t panic. I prepped for this possibility in advance. I’ve already started talking to other teams ever since you became a UFA, and some have started reaching out with interest in an elite goaltender like you.
We’re going to find you a new home in the NHL. Promise.
My parents and I have followed Robbie’s guidance since I was drafted into the league.
He helped negotiate my original contract with the Comets.
He works for other NHL goaltenders, and he understands their value to the system.
Robbie’s a good man with experience, but even this must be beyond him if he’s this apologetic.
Through glassy eyes, I glance back at Eric and push off the couch. Each breath is weak and shallow, and my fingers dig into the stuffed seal. “What am I supposed to do?”
For all my efforts to stay in control, my voice warbles on the last word.
Eric places a hand on my shoulder. I wish I could wipe away the frown on his face; it’s the kind people give when they’re about to give bad news, all sympathy and pity. Has he given up on me, too?
“You have to wait and let him work, James.”
That’s unacceptable. There are too many unknowns in that statement, and my limit’s been breached and I’m taking on water. I can’t do this anymore.
“What if he can’t find a team in the league who wants me, then what?”
Eric shakes his head. “A team will sign you.”
“But what if one doesn’t, Eric? What if I’m demoted back to the AHL? What will I do, wait around and hope I’m called up again someday?”
Eric pushes a strand of loose hair behind my ear. “If that ends up being the path forward, then you might have to, James.”
The thought of being sent back to the AHL makes my stomach turn. The goaltending experience between the two leagues is night and day. Run and gun playstyles are common in the AHL with inconsistent defense at best. How will I ever improve if I’m not playing to a higher standard?
I bury my face into the seal’s soft plush and groan, “Would you even want to be with me if I was an AHLer?”
Eric’s fingers drop away, and he jolts as if burned. “Of course! What kind of question is that?”
“You’re one of the best NHL goalies,” I mumble into the seal. “Why would you want to be with someone who was demoted back to the AHL?”
With every irrational retort, I know I’m digging a deeper and deeper hole.
“My interest in you isn’t tied solely to your goaltending skills, James. Do you really think I’d be so shallow?” He places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “You are so much more to me.”
“How can you be so sure? What if some other incredible player catches your eye?”
“Now you’re being ridiculous. That isn’t going to happen.”
“But how can you be so certain?”
“Because I know for a fact how talented you are. I’ve witnessed it first hand. Countless teams in the NHL would be lucky to have you. Any team in this league would be elevated by adding you!”
“Even the Seadogs?” I deadpan, dripping with sarcasm.
Eric doesn’t miss a beat. “Yes, even the Seadogs.”
A voice in my head whispers dissent, Why would his team need you? They already have an elite goaltender, and their backup is better than you. You’re nothing. You’re done. Not all goalies can play at this level.
“You’re just saying all this because—”
“Because I’m dating you?” Eric finishes, filling in the words I can’t utter. “James, I would say this even if we were only friends.”
I catch sight of my dark reflection in the television hanging above Eric’s mantle. My face is wet from tears, and my eyes are puffy. My nose wrinkles with disgust—what a disaster, no wonder I can’t make it in this league.
The rational side of my brain knows he’s right, but the irrational… the irrational can’t accept what he’s saying.
“All of this is easy for you to say, Eric. You’ve never been in my shoes, and you never will be. I’m not some award winning goaltender who’s carried his team to two Stanley Cups. I’m just...”
Average. Inadequate. Fraudulent.
“It took several years of hard work and practice to reach that level. I’ve had plenty of bad seasons. This job is full of ebbs and flows.”
“I’m nothing special,” I blurt out, ripping the negative thought straight from the source. “You only started talking to me because I was your teammate at All-Star Weekend.”
Eric scoffs. “Isn’t that how friendships typically start?”
“But what if I hadn’t been there?”
Eric closes the gap, taking the stuffed seal and putting it on the coffee table. He cups my chin, forcing our eyes to meet.
“Then I would have missed out on the opportunity to meet someone who’s become integral to my life. Someone I don’t want to live without. I would have missed my chance to be with a man who makes me feel happier and more fulfilled than I’ve felt in a long, long time.”
He leans in and presses our foreheads together, his green eyes staring straight into my soul.
“I hate thinking of a world where we didn’t meet. All I can hope is that we would’ve met some other way, at some other point, because the thought of being without you makes me feel hollow and lost.”
My heart swells with so many emotions, too much to contain. I don’t want to consider an alternate timeline where Eric never talked to me at All-Star Weekend. To think, if the lineup of goalies had been different…
“But instead you were there, James. You were the first player I picked to play on my team. I met a funny, friendly man who’s smart, talented, and as driven as I am.
You brought a spark back to my game. You did that.
” He points his finger into my chest, stiff and firm.
“And for all this talk about how I’m better than you, how I’m out of your league, remember: you were the goalie on the other end of the ice when the Seadogs lost in the playoffs. ”
And it was a fluke. The Comets only won the series because the Seadogs were exhausted after two back to back rounds of seven games. The last one between the Comets and Seadogs could have gone either way.
“Do you not trust me, James?” Eric asks, causing my heart to plummet. “Is that where this is coming from?”
“Of course I trust you!”
If I didn’t trust Eric, I wouldn’t have purchased the ticket for a flight to Seattle and spent the summer in his company.
But Eric’s never faced a setback like this. His career, his dreams, his future—it’s never been in jeopardy. He can’t fathom the darkness because he’s never had to confront it.
“What is it, then?” he asks, unrelenting. “Let me help, please.”
My hands ball into fists, and I grit my teeth.
“Fine.” I let out a long, haggard sigh. “I just… I’m just not confident in myself anymore.”
God, hearing it aloud, it’s ridiculous, like I’m spiraling out of control. How pitiful I must seem to someone with so much more life experience and strength.
“I thought I was a good goalie, but I’m not. I thought I was doing everything right, I thought I’d gone lights out in the playoffs, but in the end, it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I failed everyone, Eric.” I close my eyes and shake my head. “Myself included.”
“You haven’t failed anyone, James. You didn’t fail your team.
Your team failed you. The organization failed you.
They should have protected their goalie, but they didn’t.
They hung you out to dry, shifted the blame solely on you, and cut you loose.
How they treated you was wrong, and nowhere near the standard. ”
Maybe there’s truth there, but it’s too late. The damage is done.