Chapter 31 #3
After my first playoff loss, my mom recommended I read a memoir by one of the greatest goaltenders the league has ever seen for some perspective.
His words have always stuck with me as an omen: the goaltender’s battle is as much mental as it is physical.
Doubt, anxiety, and fear of failure all lead to stress on the mind and will damage the body if unaddressed.
Despite reading the book multiple times, I’ve always struggled with the mental side of my game.
For the past few weeks, I haven’t been sleeping well.
I haven’t been able to stay present. I’ve been running from ghosts inside the haunted house of my mind.
“Anyone would be shaken after what happened to you, James. You’re not alone in that feeling.”
“I just… I just can’t turn the negativity off. How am I supposed to play like this even if I’m signed to a new team?”
“Well, you would be working with the goalie coach and—”
I scoff. “Because that worked so well last time.”
“Your support staff is supposed to help you James.” He pauses and then asks, “Did you ever communicate any of these problems before?”
And here’s where the differences between Eric and I must lie.
“I tried once during my first year in the NHL. It didn’t go so well.”
I lean back, dragging a hand down the side of my face as memories rush back.
“We had just broken an eight game winning streak to the Starbirds in a blowout game. You know, the Starbirds who were just coming off a total rebuild and were dead last in the standings? Yeah, them. It was a game I probably should’ve been pulled from, but the coach didn’t.
After we lost, everyone in the locker room was furious and embarrassed.
There were a few remarks I probably should’ve reported, but I was too scared since I was new.
It was the first time where I felt like it was the rest of my team versus me.
“I had a total breakdown—like vomiting my guts out in the parking lot levels of a breakdown. I’d never experienced a loss like that before.
Normally when I dealt with something so severe, I would talk with my mom about it since she used to be a goalie, but this game happened shortly after she’d been diagnosed, so I didn’t want to make her stressed over what amounted to a single game in an entire season.
“So instead, I went to the goalie coach. He told me I just needed to grind out my frustration in the gym and get over it.”
Eric places a hand on my knee. “I mean, sure, having a power session in the gym can help give back some control so you can move on to the next, but that’s a short-term solution at best on its own. Goalies need physical and mental rest.”
“Yeah? Tell me about it.”
“The goal of recovery shouldn’t be solely focused on getting ready for the next game. That’s just going to lead to crashing out mid-season.” Eric’s hand curls into a fist. “Are you telling me that’s all you’ve been doing with your coach after difficult games?”
“We went over VODs, too, but it never exactly made me feel good to watch myself lose. Most of my practice between games involved having my teammates try to score on me which was… fine, I guess, but it wasn’t exactly a mutual learning experience.
Hitting the gym seemed to give the best results, so I focused on that after losses. ”
Eric runs a hand over his face, gobsmacked by my answers. “James, was the Comets’ goalie coach even a goalie previously?”
“No, he wasn’t.”
His face falls, his lips part with a soft gasp. “You’re joking, right?”
“I’m not.”
“Well, that explains a lot.” Eric sighs. “Did you ever try talking with your teammates?”
“I tried to, sometimes, with Callahan, our captain, but he always brushed it off and told me I needed to talk to the coaches. He said that wasn’t his job.”
“What about your backup?”
“We were never close,” I shrug. “It turns out he’s been resenting me for years.”
With every admission, Eric just shakes his head.
“Look, Eric… I know it sounds awful, but it wasn’t always that way.”
“Are you sure? Because this sounds pretty fucking awful to me.”
“It’s my fault. I could have made a better effort, but I was so afraid of appearing weak and—”
“James, stop. Admitting you’re struggling is vital and part of the two-way trust you build with your team and support staff.
That’s the key word: support. It’s not all about short term physical performance.
It’s about staying mentally resilient in the face of adversity.
That’s what makes the difference between surviving in the playoffs and succeeding in the playoffs.
I couldn’t have made the runs without my team. ”
The Seadogs’ core has been together through life’s milestones and adversity, coming out closer than before. I can’t imagine playing for a team with an open dialogue about mental health struggles.
“James, everything you’ve described makes it sound as though you’ve just been in a constant state of fear with the Comets. How the hell have you been functioning?”
It’s a rhetorical question, one Eric doesn’t expect me to explain, but I answer nonetheless.
“I… I guess I got really good at squats?”
Eric doesn’t laugh. He stares at me as if I’ve sprouted a second head, as if his entire perception of who I am as both a man and goaltender has shifted in a matter of seconds. If I felt vulnerable before, I underestimated the feeling. The awkward silence claws at my psyche.
“Do you… Do you think less of me?”
“Of course not, James. The opposite entirely. Come here.”
Eric spreads his arms, inviting me to rest against his chest. I lean into him and listen to his heartbeat.
“I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with all this alone for so long,” he whispers. “No wonder it’s all catching up.”
My eyes flutter closed. “I just wanted to be your talented, extraordinary goaltender.”
Uttering those three words fills me with a strange sense of calm amidst the chaos, the eye of the storm.
“You are and always will be.” He presses a kiss to my forehead. “You’ll grow from this. You’ll come back next season even stronger because you know this league is where you belong.”
My fingers play with the zipper of his jacket.
“You won’t… You won’t forget me once the summer’s over?”
“No, James, I won’t.” Eric strokes my cheekbone with the barest caress. “I promise you won’t be alone. You’ll have me. I know the distance will be a challenge, but we’ll always be a phone call away. There will be breaks in the season where we can meet in person.”
The thought of being away from Eric for an entire season leaves me cold and hollow. Schedules become packed with business. Distance makes connection harder to maintain. Eric and I were only friends before, but sometimes the loneliness was unbearable. Can I, will I, be able to…
“I’m committed to this. No matter what happens, we’ll find a way to make it work. I promise.”
Eric catches a tear with his thumb before it can slide down the side of my face.
“You trusted me before. I need you to trust me again. Can you do that, James?”
My fingers dig into his shirt, curling into fists, and even though I nod, Eric presses further.
“I need you to say it,” he murmurs, a plea, an incantation, and Eric’s right, the magic won’t work if it’s never spoken aloud.
“I trust you.”
Three words won’t be enough to heal all wounds. Three words won’t be enough to make the problems I’m facing go away overnight, but I won’t be a man alone on an island. The waters ahead will be choppy and stormy, but I’ll find a way to navigate them with the aid of my father and Eric.
“There you go,” he whispers, rubbing my shoulder. “I’ve got you.”
And before the warm glow of Eric’s comfort has a chance to fade, I meet his gaze and bare everything to him, leaving nothing behind for missed chances.
“I love you, Eric.”
I never thought it would be so easy to confess my feelings. I thought there would need to be some grand, preplanned performance riddled with stage fright and jitters. Instead, the words tumbled out on their own, softly spoken and heartfelt, my soul laid bare.
A smile spreads across Eric’s face. His half-lidded eyes brim with joy, and he brushes his thumb along my lips.
“I love you too, James.”
And then he kisses me, my knight in shining armor. I’ve yearned for those words, praying he would be the one to help me through the darkness, to shield me from despair, to tend to my light to keep me strong.
The world will keep spinning, day will turn into night, and Eric will be there.