Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Connor spun out of Bliss’s yard, slinging rocks and dirt as he sped down the dirt road and out onto the highway. He didn’t remember driving and couldn’t tell you which way he turned when, but twenty minutes later, he wound up at Deep Dive.
The night air roared through his open window, cold and sharp, but it did nothing to cool the inferno burning through his chest.
The Deep Dive Bar was on the first floor of a large two-story warehouse.
The floor above the bar housed Sabre Security's offices. Reid owned both businesses but had turned the day-to-day running of Deep Dive over to Hutch. He’d done the same with Sabre Security, turning it over to Sawyer.
Neon lights flickered over the entrance, and bass from the sound system thumped faintly through the concrete walls.
Mind still reeling, Connor found himself seated at the bar with Hutch handing him a tall mug of Astronaut Status beer. He didn’t even wait for the thick foam to settle before throwing it back and emptying the mug. The bitter brew burned down his throat, but the numbness he wanted refused to come.
“Damn, brother, what’s going on?” Hutch asked. “You usually at least try to taste it.”
Connor’s fingers tightened around the empty mug like it had personally offended him. “Just get me another one,” Connor all but snarled.
He had a daughter. A kid. Fuck him. When he’d seen her back in Darling and pregnant, he’d assumed the Society had given her to some fucker to get her pregnant to teach her a lesson.
He refused to think about the kick to the gut that had been. But the memory slammed into him again anyway, sharp and ugly.
He’d felt like a total failure for months. Still did, if he was honest. And that whole fuckin’ time, she’d been pregnant with his child. How could she not tell him the baby was his?
Strike that. How was she even pregnant in the first place? She told him she was on birth control. She’d said the Society forced her to have an implant. And he’d believed her without even checking. It had never even occurred to him she might be lying. Seemed he’d given Bliss his trust too easily.
But he was good at reading people. In his line of work, he had to be. So, she was either the best liar he’d ever met, or she’d been telling the truth. He’d been around her in a tough situation. Every instinct he had said she’d told him the truth. And his instincts had kept him alive for years.
That would have to mean her birth control hadn’t worked. It was rare these days, but it was known to happen. So, maybe she hadn’t planned it, but that still didn’t explain why she hadn’t gotten word to him when she found out.
Because you told her you never wanted kids in a way she couldn’t possibly misunderstand.
Gritting his teeth, he downed the rest of his second beer, slamming the bottle down on the counter when it was empty. “Another.” The word tasted bitter even before it left his mouth. But he needed to get totally shitfaced tonight. That was the only escape from the pain.
His own thought jerked him up straight on his stool. What was he doing? The realization hit him like ice water dumped straight over his head. He’d spent the last twenty years proving to himself he wasn’t his father. Yet look at him now. Sitting in a bar, trying to lose himself in a bottle.
No.
He wasn’t going down that road. He’d made a vow, and he intended to keep it. He was not his father. Not now. Not ever.
“What’s eating you, brother?” Hutch faced him from the other side of the bar. Concern replaced the easy grin Hutch usually wore.
That was what he needed now. His brothers, not a bottle. They were a family as sure as if they shared the same blood. Law filled the seat on one side of Connor, and Deke landed in the other. Neither said anything at first. They just settled in, a steady presence until he was ready to talk.
Hutch wasn’t as patient. “Tell us what’s going on. We’re here for you. You know that.”
And he did. He knew it to the very bottom of his soul. These men had bled beside him, fought beside him, and dragged him through the hell that was life with his father more than once.
So, he told his brothers everything. He told them about practically stalking Bliss when she’d moved to Darling, about the hotel room in Vegas, and that Bliss had just told him that Nori was his daughter.
He told them what he’d said to her that made her keep that from him as long as she had. The words came out rough, carved out from somewhere raw deep inside him.
He told them the fears that ate at him every second of every day about turning into his dad. He told them about years of buried terror spilled out in one long, brutal confession. He told them everything.
When he was done, when his heart and soul were exposed, he waited for his brothers to console him. To make everything make sense.
Deke shook his head. “You know, to be as good as you are at figuring out what makes other people tick, you sure don’t know shit about yourself.
There’s no way you’ll ever be like your dad.
You’ve been through a hell of a lot in your life.
Have you ever been tempted to use alcohol to dull the pain or quiet the voices in your head? ”
Everything in Connor went silent.
No, he hadn’t. How had it not occurred to him that he wasn’t holding temptation at bay because he was strong? He hadn’t given in because there was no temptation to give in to. The thought stopped him cold.
“Look at what you just did,” Law added. “You thought about getting wasted. I could see it written all over your face. But you didn’t.
You chose not to be like that worthless sack of shit who sired you.
If you can do that at a time like this, what makes you think you can’t do it when it comes to your kid? ”
Well, fuck.
Connor grabbed his chest as the manacles around his heart shattered and fell away. The pain cut through him like a knife, but afterward, a peace he’d never felt before settled inside him. For the first time in his life, the future didn’t look like a steel trap waiting to spring.
He could choose to be a good father, just like he made every other choice in his life. Oh, he’d make mistakes. Plenty of them. But he would never, not ever, be like his father. That bastard’s shadow didn’t get to decide one more moment of Connor’s life.
He needed to get back to Bliss. He shoved off his barstool, but one look at the time had him rethinking. He’d been at Deep Dive longer than he’d thought.
If he went out there now, he might wake the babies up, and they’d already been through that once tonight. The last thing he needed to hand Bliss was another midnight disaster.
Tomorrow then. First thing. He’d head out to Bliss’s house, and they’d get everything talked out. He thought she’d been the one on the run, but it turned out she wasn’t the only one.
But no more. No more running. No more hiding. No more lying to her or himself. Just the truth—and whatever came after that.