Chapter 5 #2
“Hmm, I suppose you’re right. I mean, I’ve seen it with other people. It’s just never been my experience, I guess. The people I’ve scened with since Kenny were more sensation players, and I wasn’t really submissive with them, maybe because we were just friends.”
“Yeah, I get that. Makes sense.” And why the fuck was he so pleased she’d played only with friends since her divorce? What a selfish bastard he was. But he couldn’t help it. “Come on—let’s sit at the table and we can talk while we eat.”
When she went to pull her chair out, he stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm. “What have we discussed about this?” he asked.
“Oh. Yes. Sorry.”
“No need to apologize. Again, you’ll get used to it in time.”
“I’ve been so busy having to do everything for myself my whole life,” she responded as she sat in the chair, and he helped push it in, closer to the table, then sat in the chair next to hers.
“My ex wasn’t exactly gallant, and the guys I dated before him were just…
boys, really. I don’t think I ever learned to expect this kind of treatment from anyone.
I was always left to my own devices, starting from the time I was a child. ”
“Yeah, from what you’ve told me, you sort of had to grow up too fast. But believe me, there are people out there who want to take care of you, and that doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself.
You obviously can. But me wanting to do things for you, to be of some service to you, doesn’t mean I’m devaluing your capabilities in any way.
I’m a service Top. Always have been. That’s just who I am. ”
“I’ve seen that. At the Dallas club, and here with me. It’s just taking some time to wrap my head around it.”
“No worries—I’ll remind you,” he said with a smile. “These sandwiches look great; let’s dig in, then we can talk about the questionnaire.”
They chatted idly as they ate. She told him funny stories about the Ranch Littles playing practical jokes on Derek, which he assumed happened a lot.
They talked about the trio of piglets that had been rescued and brought to the petting zoo that morning.
She’d helped Reese feed them right after they’d arrived—Reese and Wren, who he’d met briefly, had apparently already named them Nibbles, Giggles, and Wiggles—and Claudia was in love with them already.
And he loved that she adored the animals so much.
By the time lunch was done, he felt that she was pretty relaxed, and knew it was time to address the topic at hand.
“So, I looked over your answers, and I’m on board with everything.
We seem to have a lot of the same preferences.
But just to clarify, you mentioned that you normally didn’t wear anything less than a thong and a bra when playing.
Does this include playing in the Dungeon here? Is that your current comfort level?”
“Yes, if we’re in the main Dungeon area and not one of the private rooms. But I do love public play. I suppose I’m a bit of an exhibitionist, although that doesn’t extend to total nudity for me.”
He nodded. “Got it. I want you to know that I will never try to manipulate you once we’re in scene to be any more naked than the terms we’ve just negotiated, not without renegotiating when we’re not in scene so you’re able to give informed consent with a clear mind.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“The same goes for kissing and any sexual contact. You answered that kissing was a maybe, but you weren’t sure how you’d feel about anything else, and that’s absolutely fine with me.
” It wasn’t, really. His hands itched to touch her—really touch her.
But he would respect her boundaries without question, and certainly without pressure.
“We kissed last night. I know you said you wanted to, but please tell me if it made you uncomfortable, or if you’d rather not while we’re in scene and there’s a power dynamic happening. ”
“What? Oh, no, not at all. I wanted to kiss you. It’s more about kissing while we’re doing a public scene. I just… honestly, I’m afraid it’ll make me do something I might not do otherwise. In public, that is,” she said with a shy smile. “In private is completely different.”
He nodded, smiling back at her, loving that she’d told him she wanted to kiss him.
He loved that she was so open with him, that she felt she could be.
“I get that. And just know I would never push you to do anything that hasn’t been approved by you through negotiations, in public or when it’s just the two of us. ”
He did get it. If he had her half naked under his hands, kissing her could cause him to lose all control of the situation. Of himself. And he didn’t want to do that to her, to blow her trust right out of the gate. But good lord, he was going to be tempted.
“So,” he continued, “we’ll start out easy.
We both need to gauge where your pain tolerance is at, since it’s been a while since you’ve played hard.
I need you to promise me that you’ll be honest about the pace that feels good to you.
Use your safe words as needed. If you call red, we’ll stop right away and talk about it right then—to your comfort level, of course.
Or, if I think you’re too far gone in subspace, I’ll use my judgment to understand if you’re in a place to have that kind of conversation—then we’d talk it through when you’ve had time to come down and are grounded in your body. ”
“I have to say, I really like that you’re sort of… being a bit careful with me as we go into this. It feels like respect. And caretaking. And I think I need that right now.”
“You absolutely do. But I need it, too. And on that note, now we negotiate aftercare. You said in the questionnaire that you need it every time you play, but tell me what that looks like for you.”
“Well, physical contact is really big for me.”
“Like cuddling?” he asked, a surge of need to pull her into his lap right then and there rushing through him, an insistent sort of desire that was as much about comfort as it was the chemistry between them. How sweet would it be to hold her in his lap?
“Yes,” she answered. “That’s exactly what I need. If that’s okay?”
“Hell, yeah, it is.”
“Really?” she asked, her eyes big and full of hope.
“Yeah, of course. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise. But also, I need aftercare. I need that physical touch. I need to know if I’ve done a good job, or if I haven’t.”
“Do you? Kenny never wanted aftercare. He never really wanted to offer it to me, although at times he did it, anyway, if I asked for it. But it always felt so insincere. It’s only more recently that I’ve learned Dominants ever required aftercare. I always thought it was for the bottom’s sake.”
He shrugged. “We’re human, too. We’re not made out of stone just because we’re the ones who are responsible for the bottom’s or submissive’s experience. In fact, I need aftercare because I’m the one responsible for how the scene goes.”
“That actually makes a lot of sense, now that you’ve explained it to me.”
He rested his elbows on the table and leaned closer.
“It’s sort of a well-kept secret in kink circles—and it shouldn’t be.
These myths have grown up around this completely manufactured stereotype of what a Top or a Dom is ‘supposed’ to be.
But again, we’re human. And some of those who say they don’t need aftercare, and especially those who don’t want to give it, are sometimes too shut down to be honest about their needs.
They buy into the myths. Not all Tops and Doms, of course, but a lot of them, which is something I’m finding out more about the more education I do.
“It took me a while to find out I wasn’t alone in that need, especially because I always had to be so careful about where I was seen when I was still actively playing football.
It wouldn’t have been smart to let the news get out that I was visiting dungeons, so a lot of what I learned was from books and videos, and online classes I took while I was still mostly practicing kink at home.
But once I had access to kink community, the information flooded in.
There are a lot of other kinksters who developed their ideas around BDSM in a lonely bubble.
It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to go into education. ”
“I can imagine it wouldn’t have gone over well with your team or your fans if it was made public that you were kinky. It must have been hard to keep it a secret.”
“Yeah, sometimes. But a lot of people have to keep it to themselves, or simply prefer not to scene in public, so I managed. But things are so much better now that I get to be who I am.”
“Yes, I’m finding that, too,” she said, a smile lighting up her lovely face.
“So, any questions for me?”
“Yes. Yes, but not specifically about us playing together, if that’s okay?”
“You can ask me anything you want. I’m an open book.”
“I was wondering about your last regular play partner. Was it a relationship, or…?”
“Yeah, it was. Her name was Peyton. We dated for about six months, but that was almost two years ago, right after the last time I saw you. I haven’t been really involved with anyone since.
I’ve dated a bit, did some pickup play at the clubs, played with friends.
But there are some forms of play I don’t do outside of a relationship, which I wanted to mention, because you answered that knife play was a maybe.
That’s not something I do until and unless I’m involved with someone.
I need to know trust has been established on both sides to be comfortable going there. Trust and a real sense of closeness.”
“That makes sense to me. I’d have to have a very high level of trust built over time.”
“Exactly. So we table that. For now.”