17. Oreos, Soul Mates, & Fuckups #3
My head wags, tension coiling beneath my skin. Pressing my palms into the cold brick of the storefront we’re stopped in front of, I heave one deep breath after the other. I drop my forehead to the wall, gently banging it a couple times for good measure. Maybe it’ll knock some sense into me.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
“What? You’re the one who—”
“This was a mistake.” I take her hand in mine, leading her back down the street toward the bar. “C’mon. I’ll take you back.”
Her hurried steps match mine, and when she peers at me out of the corner of her eye, I remember why I liked her enough to go back for seconds. Because although she barely knows me, she sees me as a human being, not only a meal ticket. “You okay?”
“I’m…I…I don’t know. I fucked up.”
“Can you fix it?”
“I don’t know how to fix my past.”
Her mouth quirks. “Playboy ways coming back to bite you in the ass?”
“Yup.” My eyes fall shut with my groan as my name is shouted from behind us, and I hear the rustle of people jogging to catch up to us, see the flash of cameras as they catch my back. “Fucking ruthless,” I mutter.
“ Carter ! Over here !”
Just as we reach the bar, my vision goes stark white, blinded by flashing cameras.
“The first girl you’ve been seen with this year! No more Olivia?”
“Who’s the beautiful girl?”
Shielding my eyes from the bright lights, I reach for the door.
Except Mandy wants to talk.
“Sandy,” she tells them with a bright smile, waving at the camera. Huh. I was close. “With an i-e. Sandie with an i-e.” For fuck’s sake.
I tug on her hand. “Let’s go.” I need to go home and screw my head on straight before it explodes.
“So the rumors weren’t true?” a reporter calls. “About you and Olivia? She was nothing more than another—”
“ Enough !” I roar, twisting back to the cameras.
My skin crawls like ants, knuckles flexing as my chest heaves with a fury so deep, one I don’t know how to handle.
It shakes my whole body, begging for release, and it’s about to get it if they say her name one more time.
“Enough about Olivia! Leave her name out of your damn mouth!”
Sandie shoves me through the doorway. “And for the record,” she shouts, “there’s nothing going on here. He was being a gentleman and walking me back to the bar. Get a real job.”
“Uh…” I blink down at her. “Thanks.”
“No problem. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a martini calling my name.” She struts away, pausing to glance over her shoulder. “Oh, and Carter? You can’t fix your past, but if you want a different future, all you have to do is choose it.”
From across the bar, I feel the weight of everyone’s gaze on me.
I don’t meet them; I don’t think I can handle the disappointment right now, the frustration with me, not when I’m already bogged down with my own self-loathing.
I head straight for the back exit, the cold air a welcome reprieve this time as I lean against the wall and just fucking breathe .
I hear the click of the door, and without opening my eyes, know who it is. They let me stand here with my thoughts for a moment before speaking.
When I finally open my eyes, the sympathy reflected in their stares throws me for a loop.
“She’s on a date.” The words are more shattered than feels reasonable.
Cara’s face twists. “What? Liv?”
I nod. “I saw your phone,” I admit, cringing as her sympathy shifts to anger. “She said she was gonna have breakfast with him too.”
“Oh, you fucking…” She groans, fishing her phone from her purse.
“Carter, I swear to God.” She flashes me her screen, a photo of Olivia and a small girl who looks remarkably like her smiling at the camera.
“That’s her date. Her seven-year-old niece.
They’re having breakfast because she’s got her for the weekend. ”
A wave of relief rushes through me, a bit of tightness easing off my chest. “She’s not seeing someone?”
“No, you dork. She’s hung up on you and trying to work through her self-doubt and insecurities with the public life you’ve been leading.”
I hang my head. “She’s going to hate me now.”
“Why?” Garrett’s brows tug together. “You didn’t do anything with that girl. We all heard her yell it. Should you have left with her? No, probably not, because you know as well as we do that it’s not what you really wanted.”
Adam lifts a shoulder. “The important part is that you stopped yourself before doing something you’d regret.”
“She’ll never trust me now. Nobody thinks I’m good enough for her.”
Emmett holds a hand up, shaking his head.
“That’s not at all true. Were some of us hesitant to let you get close to her?
Absolutely, I can admit that. Because this right here is out of character for you, at least when it comes to women.
You’ve been my best bud for nearly ten years, and not once have you pursued anything serious. ”
I rub the back of my neck. “You’ve barely talked to me lately. Kinda thought you were mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you, dude, and there’s not a single part of me that thinks you’re not good enough for Olivia.
Far from it. I just feel stuck in the middle a little.
It sucks, because I love you two and you’re both hurting.
I understand why she’s afraid, and at the same time I can see how much you like her.
I want you guys to be happy, and I think it would be cool if you were happy together, but I don’t think pushing Olivia to be ready is the right thing to do either.
” His shoulders pop up and down. “It sucks all around.”
“Then help me,” I beg. “I’m trying here. I hate feeling like this. I’ve decided what I want. Isn’t it supposed to be easy from here on out?”
Cara holds my gaze for a moment before her head rolls over her shoulders with an exasperated laugh. “I love the fuck out of you, Carter, but are you really that daft when it comes to relationships? Things don’t suddenly fall into place because you’ve decided you want her.”
“But that’s how it worked for you guys.”
“No offense, but if Em had half the reputation you did, I probably would’ve made him work a little harder.
But just because we fell in love right from the beginning doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard.
We’ve had to choose each other every single day, put aside our differences and work together to compromise, to build a life together.
Maybe it looks like everything simply fell into place for us, but we’ve worked hard at this, and with any good relationship, you will.
You’re taking two lives and merging them.
That requires a lot of work and a strong commitment. Is that what you want?”
“Yes.” It’s strange what a simple three-letter word can do, one spoken with so much certainty, the weight that lifts with the epiphany that comes with it. Yes, I want to choose Olivia, over and over again. I want to work for it, for us. I want to be better, not only for her, but for myself too.
Cara loops an arm through mine, tugging me back through the bar. “Then let’s get you your girl back, Mr. Beckett.”