Chapter 6
six
ZACK
I laid on the couch, twisting and turning for hours at the sounds of the thunderstorm that had begun nearly as soon as Estrella passed out—all while she slept in my bed, mere feet away from me—praying she wouldn’t wake up to it. Theo had tried to convince me to sleep in his room with him, but I had refused, claiming that I didn’t want to give her the chance to sneak out later.
That wasn’t the entire truth, though.
The real reason why I wouldn’t get into his bed was because Estrella had always been afraid of thunderstorms, and I doubted that fear had gone away in the last decade. Not when they used to make her have panic attacks as a child. And I couldn’t bear the thought of her freaking out alone, should she do so.
It was one reason I sent Theo down to retrieve her when I walked past the bar and saw her shots deep already. The forecast had pinged a warning on my phone, and anxiety filled me instantly.
Not for me, though.
But for her.
So, a lumpy couch to hold for my already-aching, forty-two-year-old body it was.
I’d be paying for it the next day.
Fuck, I’d be paying for a lot of my life decisions the next day.
I was unbelievably thankful that we didn’t perform that next night, or else thousands of people would have undoubtedly witnessed me with as much makeup on as the wiener-dog owner wore for my under eye circles alone.
Which…nothing against him. It actually looked really good. That was a talent.
I’d have to pass on it myself, though.
My body tensed as a crack louder than hell sounded throughout the air, followed by a blazing lightning bolt that showed itself through the sheer curtains mere moments later.
And then another crack, even louder, in its wake.
Fuck.
I held my breath and counted.
One…two…three…four…
Crack.
Five…si?—
The door to my suite cracked open and I watched as a pale Estrella walked out into the space, shivering and holding both of her arms tightly, almost as if she were hugging herself. She looked like she had seen a ghost, and my gaze raked over her as she tiptoed out further. She had untucked her t-shirt from her bra, and it nearly went to her thighs.
God, she was beautiful.
I doubted she had noticed me watching her, considering I was mostly covered by a thick, black duvet blanket from Elijah’s room—who had never come back to the suite, along with any of the other guys. Convenient, but I merely shrugged and took advantage of my situation.
Deciding to try not to scare her should she get closer to me, I called out to her. “Over here.”
I sighed as she jumped anyway.
Though, her head was pointed right at my direction, indicating she knew exactly where I was.
Nice going, dumbass.
She stood stock-still as she stared at me. “Zack?”
“Yeah, baby girl,” I replied, wincing at the ease of how the pet name came out. I was supposed to be handling this with care, and yet my tongue had me jumping into the snake pit immediately. “You wanna join me?”
“Are…Do you have clothes on?”
That’s what she was asking?
“Uhm. Yes? Why?”
“I wasn’t going to get near you if you were naked.”
“You act like you haven’t seen me naked before. Or that we aren’t married.”
Her arms only tightened around her at that, and my heart panged as I heard her sniff. She was crying again. Fuck me, I was an absolutely damned idiot. “That’s so not fair.”
“What’s not fair?”
“You. This. That. You don’t get to say that to me right now. That’s not fair.”
I hung my head. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I…we have a lot to talk about. Can you just come here, please? I know you’re freaking out right now, and it’s absolutely killing me.”
Another sniff—though this one was followed by a large flinch as yet another crack filled the air. As lightning hit the surface of the sky, my eyes got a better glimpse of her face in the dark. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to see her lip wobbling and tear-stricken face. “Why?” she asked.
“Why what, love?”
“Why is it killing you? Why do you even care? Why now? Is this just a game to you?”
I sighed before giving her a mere fragment of the ache that surrounded me. “No, Estrella. You were, and have never been, a game to me. I’ve never stopped caring about you. I’ve never stopped loving you. Now, would you get underneath these blankets with me so I can hold you through the storm? We can talk about everything more tomorrow.”
She stared at me, debating.
The seconds felt like hours as she weighed her options.
If she went back into the room by herself, I wouldn’t follow her. I’d give her the peace she deserved. The processing time she needed. And yet, I couldn’t help but release the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding as she walked towards me, flung the duvet off of me, collapsed on the couch, and then threw the blanket over us once more. Clinging to me.
“Fuck, baby,” I groaned. My arm wrapped around her waist and I tugged her closer to me with her back at my chest. “You’re shaking like a leaf.”
“You don’t get to call me pet names.”
I flinched like she had smacked me, grateful she couldn’t see my facial reaction to that statement. That was more than deserved, though. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
She huffed, even as she wiggled impossibly closer to me. I bit my lip as her ass nearly ground into my dick, but forced myself to remain calm and neutral. “Don’t do that, either.”
“Do what?”
“Make me want to forgive you just because you’re being nice to me.”
“I-I’m sorry?”
“Stop it!”
I shook my head even as my grip on her tightened. “I really don’t know what you want me to say or do right now, Estrella. I just want to be here for you right now. Tell me what I can do.”
Another thunder crack filled the air, but that time, she flinched into me rather than by herself.
Even knowing she felt safe enough to cower into me felt like being placed on a pedestal.
I’m so sorry, baby, my subconscious whispered. Let me take care of you.
Her voice cracked in half as she spoke seconds later. “Why did you leave me? Why are you being so nice to me now if you cared about me all along? What the fuck is happening?”
I tucked my head into the crook of her neck and inhaled. My heart shattered at the sound of her voice and the scent of her. The scent and warmth I had missed more than anything over the years. “Tomorrow. Let me tell you everything tomorrow. Then you can decide if you hate me. Okay?”
Her shoulders shook as the tears kept coming. “You’ve hurt me so bad.”
“I know.”
“I shouldn’t forgive you. Ever.”
“I know.”
“But I want to.”
God, I felt like I was being nailed into the ground. I deserved every single hit, though. My own voice cracked as I spoke next. “I hope you do.”
Seconds passed. I could have sworn that I even dozed off as the silence wore into minutes—maybe even hours. Her warmth surrounded me, and though her trembling never stopped, it did lessen from genuine fear and more into anxious thrumming. Though, I was somehow wide awake in a second when she spoke next. “Zack?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll always love you, too.”
My mind flew to the memory immediately. The absolute coward and lame ass note I had left her when…when I left us.
I’m sorry
But I will always love you. And I’ll come back for you when I’m ready.
Zack
“I meant it,” I whispered as I tucked my mouth into her hair. Kissing the crown of her head. “I’m just so sorry I didn’t come back soon enough.”
“Yeah. You were too late for a lot of things.”
And like fate, another thunderstorm crack sounded—right as I felt a crack split down the center of my chest. I don’t know what all I had missed exactly, but I would find out, one way or another. She jumped as lightning flit through the room again, though I only held her close and kept my lips in her hair. My mind raced as I thought about what I could possibly do to take her mind off of the raging storm. Until…
“Estrella?”
“Hmm?”
“You remember what I used to do when we were biding time for the thunderstorms to calm down? All those years ago?”
She tensed in my arms. “Oh, fuck you.”
I chuckled. “Hey. I know you hate me and all, but you’re still right here. Right in my arms. Right where I need you to be. You can’t blame a guy for thinking about the past.”
“You’re thinking about finger-fucking me to take my mind off of a thunderstorm…when we were literally just talking about how you shattered my heart and irrevocably changed me.”
My fingers twitched against her side. I loved when she called me out on my shit. It’s what made me and Theo fall in love with her. One of the things, anyway. “Yeah. And eating you out. And I’m thinking about how good you taste, and how badly I wish I could make you shake in a different way right now.”
“You’re not playing fair in the slightest,” she groaned. I had the faintest suspicion she’d be blushing if I could see her face in the dark.
“I’m just talking. I never said I was a saint.”
“ Bésame el trasero .”
I barked out a laugh. “That’s what I want to do, yes.”
“Y-You learned Spanish?”
“We both did. Theo and I. It’s a part of you, so it’s a part of us, too.”
She huffed. “No.”
“Well, at least you haven’t lost your stubborn quality. I think you should let me distract you, though. I think it’ll help you sleep. You’re the one who actually has to work tomorrow. We don’t have to do anything.”
I started counting in my head again. Begging with my own subconscious that she would let me help her in some way—even if it was a bit of a toxic request. And praying, even more than that, that it would somehow, in some way, lessen her anger and hatred towards me.
I was a piece of shit, I had then realized. Because I wanted her to forgive me so badly that I was willing to put the only slice of trust and fragility I was being handed.
“If we do this…” she started, and I found myself holding my breath, even as my thumb traced circles on her shirt-covered abdomen, “it’s just for tonight. Nothing is going to change between us. You still hurt me, and I still hate a large piece of you. Okay?”
Like fucking hell this will only be for tonight.
My hands moved down to her lower stomach anyway. “Okay.”
“And we’ll still talk tomorrow. All three of us. And you may still have to sign divorce papers. Because you fucked up, and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”
My heart raced. I was never going to sign those fucking papers.
My mouth fed her the lies she needed to move past the hump anyway. “Okay.”
“I…I don’t know what you want to do.”
I let out a heavy breath as I smoothly rolled on top of her. I braced the majority of my weight on my palms, closing in around her head. Our gaze met in the dark—a tandem of angst, pain, sadness, anger, and raw need flitting through the both of us. I swept my eyes from the top of her head, still in adorable, albeit messier, space buns, before stopping at her plush lips. “You just lay there and look pretty. This isn’t about me. Okay?”
“Okay.”
My mouth crashed down to hers before she could get another word in.