Chapter 4
Shiloh
My shocked expression stared back at me from the video screen. Holden remained hidden on the other side, and yet he was offering me a place to stay.
Part of me wanted to accept, to run from my hopeless situation. But that would be a terrible idea, wouldn’t it?
“You don’t even know me,” I whispered.
“I do,” Holden argued. “We talk, don’t we? We’re friends. You said so.”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“I’m not in the same state. They won’t follow you all the way here, will they?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t promise that.”
“Well, they won’t even know who I am. There’s no connection between us that anyone could track.”
I nodded slowly. “That’s true.”
“I can leave right now. You’re in St. Louis, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I can be there in six hours.”
My head spun. Everything was happening so fast. Was I really going to do this?
“I can’t ask you to drive all that way,” I protested weakly.
“You’re not asking; I’m offering.”
“Maybe I could take a bus, but…” I shook my head, chest tightening. “This is too much. I can’t intrude on your life. You’ve put me on this pedestal in your mind, but I’m not the perfect guy you think I am.”
“No. Your taste in men has obviously been shit in the past.”
A shocked laugh escaped me. “Yeah. No lies detected.”
“I know that who you project on cam shows isn’t the real you,” Holden said.
“But when we talk about our day, isn’t it?
I know you love true crime shows, even though they give you nightmares if you watch them too late at night, and that you love Taylor Swift because of the example she sets for young girls.
I know your favorite fruit is watermelon, but you find cantaloupe repulsive, and that you absolutely hate the cold, dreary weather. ”
“Yeah,” I said softly.
Truth was, I’d shared more with him than I ever should have with a client. He really did know me. Maybe not the personal info of my day-to-day life, but the core of who I was inside.
The boundaries had blurred long before now.
“I’ve told you about my trauma and my touch aversion,” Holden continued. “You were there when I needed you to listen. Let me be there for you now. Let me come get you, Shy. Let me know the real you.”
Holden was so insistent. So earnest. How could I refuse?
I licked my dry lips, nerves fluttering in my belly. “I can’t pay you.”
“I know.”
“This isn’t… We’re not boyfriends. I can’t exchange sexual favors for money, even though I do it online. I know that might seem silly, but—”
“I can’t touch you, Shy. I’m not expecting anything like that. I just want you to be safe.”
“Right. Yeah. I just needed to be sure.”
“So is that a yes? You’ll let me come pick you up?”
I blew out a breath, my lips quirking. “That bruise must be really ugly for you to offer all this.”
“Send me your address,” Holden said, obviously recognizing my surrender. But really, what else could I do? I had to get away from Brick and Curtis. “I’ll be there by 1 a.m.”
“Meeting your camboy fan in the middle of the night,” I said lightly. “Nothing risky about that.”
“I can wait until morning, if you’d be more comfortable.”
I thought about that. I might feel more at ease in the daylight, but there was a reason people ran away under the cover of darkness.
“No. Uh, this is better. They won’t expect me to leave so late at night. Just in case they’re watching. They probably aren’t. I’m an easy mark, and they know I don’t have anyone to turn to for help.”
“Well, you do now,” he said matter-of-factly. “Pack your shit. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Okay.” I laughed nervously. “I guess I’ll finally get to see your face, huh?”
“Do you want to see me now so you know who you’ll be meeting? It seems only fair.”
I nodded eagerly. “I’ve been dying to see you. You know that.”
There was a delay as he located the settings on his camera, and then suddenly, his face filled the screen.
Dark brown hair, longer on top, shorter on the sides. A strong jaw covered in thick stubble. But most striking of all, vivid blue eyes watching me carefully.
I stared at him for a long moment, taking in every detail, down to the tiny freckle to the left of one eye.
“This is not what I expected,” I said.
He smiled wryly. “Told you we weren’t in the same league.”
“Are you kidding? You’re seriously hot.” I fanned my face. “Damn, I would have come even harder if I’d seen that stern expression while you were telling me how to touch myself.”
He averted his gaze, seeming a little shy. It was incongruous, considering how well he commanded me during our cam sessions. But then, he’d always hidden from my view. So maybe it made sense after all.
“Just get ready,” Holden said gruffly. “I’ll be there soon.”
My smile sagged as reality snapped back into focus. “Thank you for this, Holden. I didn’t know what to do. I just felt so trapped. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”
“Knowing you’re safe is all the payment I need.”
I gave him my address, and we exchanged a few more details about what to expect. He lived with his brothers, but he assured me that they would be okay with a houseguest.
I wasn’t sure if moving in with a group of men was more intimidating or reassuring. It meant he was less likely to be a serial killer looking to trap me in his lair. Safety in numbers and all that, right? Unless they were all sadists working together…
Not a helpful thought.
I could only rely on my instincts. Even though my brain screamed every possible horror scenario known to man, my heart kept telling me I could trust Holden.
Besides, I had no better options. I was in danger here. No way around it. At least with Holden, I had a chance to get away and regroup. Come up with a plan to salvage my life.
After we disconnected, I packed four large duffel bags. I couldn’t take everything I owned, so I tried to be strategic about it.
My laptop, camera, mic, and lights had to come with me. Those were my moneymakers. Clothes, of course. Some makeup. Hair products. Grooming kit.
Hopefully, the bruise would fade soon. Holden was protective now, but I couldn’t forget what had drawn him to me in the first place. He found me attractive. Sexy. Sensual. I needed to look good enough that he wouldn’t decide I wasn’t worth all this effort.
My parents had had enough of me at seventeen. Jimmie had tired of me by the time we ended things, and that had only been after a few weeks. Why would a guy who barely knew me be any different?
I paced my apartment, restless and wired. Every hour or so, I’d repack my bags when I thought of something else to take with me.
I added my photo box of childhood pictures. It was all I had left of my family now. They were alive and well, happier without me, but I was about to go to a strange new place. I needed to hold on to the connection, as slim as it might be.
But when I caught myself trying to pack all the cards I’d gotten from students and parents in the past three years, I made myself stop. I didn’t have the space for all the mementos I’d saved, and I wasn’t a teacher anymore.
It hurt, but it was time to let that part of my life go. It wasn’t as if I could get any kind of decent reference from my school district now.
I’d called the superintendent already and explained I was under duress. It didn’t make any difference, though. He’d told me that the school board vote was merely a formality.
No one terrified school officials like self-righteous parents. They wouldn’t want a camboy teaching their children, especially one catering to queer men. I was done in St. Louis, and there was no changing it now that the news was out.
A firm knock at the door made me jump, even though I’d been anticipating it for hours. Some deep, animal fear made me hesitate. What if it was Brick checking up on me?
“Shiloh?” a deep voice called. “It’s Holden.”
Breath gushed out of me. It didn’t make sense to be so relieved. I only knew Holden from the internet. People could present themselves however they wished. But, just as my gut told me Brick was dangerous, some instinct made me trust Holden.
I went to the door and opened it. Had to crane my neck back to look him in the eye. “Hi.”
Holden had shown me his face on camera tonight, but I wasn’t prepared for his presence.
He was over six feet tall. Built. Shoulders and arms straining the fabric of his button-down shirt.
A slim metal bracelet somehow emphasized the thickness of his wrist and the size of his hands, which were strong and veiny.
Yum. Tattoos peeked out at his shirt collar, where he’d left the top two buttons undone.
He was just as intimidating as Brick. More, even. But contained and controlled in a way that jerk would never be.
“Can I come in?” he asked. “I could use the bathroom.”
I stumbled back. “Yeah, of course. Sorry. I was just…”
Staring. Evaluating his body as dangerous or sexy? Maybe both.
“This is all overwhelming, I’m sure,” he said, his voice gentler than I’d have expected. “I’m asking you for a lot of trust. I won’t abuse it.”
He’d sliced right to the heart of my unease and reassured me. I closed the door and pointed. “Bathroom is down that hall.”
“I’ll be quick. Then we can get loaded up and leave.”
When he returned, I noticed his eyes were red-rimmed, and his face showed signs of exhaustion.
“Let’s go if you’re ready,” he said. “If I sit down, I’ll never get up again.”
“I could drive if you need sleep,” I offered.
He shook his head. “I’m fine.”
“But—”
“Shiloh,” he said firmly. “I have to drive. I make a terrible backseat driver.”
“Okay.”
“Besides, you look pretty tired yourself. You’ve been through a lot. This is stressful and overwhelming.”
“Yeah.” I licked my lips. “I can’t decide if this is smart or if I’m crazy for taking a risk like this.”
His lips quirked up. “Then we’ll be crazy together.”
That was comforting. The realization that I wasn’t the only one putting my faith in someone else. Holden was opening his home to me. I could easily take advantage of him, but he was sticking his neck out to help me, anyway.