Chapter 7
Holden
I squirmed on the couch, more exhausted than when I’d finally gotten tired enough to let down my guard and sleep around three in the morning.
Out here in the open, I was hyperaware of every noise in the house.
When Bailey ventured out of his bedroom to root through the refrigerator.
When Gray and Emory crept down the stairs to use the shower, whispering and giggling.
The adorable lovers’ routine was more charming when I didn’t want to crawl out of my skin.
Every creak, every cough, every little noise unsettled me.
My bedroom was my safe place. An area I controlled. With a door I could lock. Out here, I was exposed and vulnerable. It caught me off guard, just how uneasy it made me. I hadn’t felt this way since I’d had to share a dorm room in college.
I rolled off the couch at 5:00 a.m., when it was still too dark for sunlight, and started a pot of coffee. My hands trembled a little, and dark thoughts kept battering at my walls.
Hard voices. Harder hands. My mother—
No. I clenched my eyes and gritted my teeth as I pushed the images away. My skin was tight and crackly—as if maybe it remembered better even than I did.
But Shiloh is safe.
The thought soothed me almost as much as the coffee I sipped from a mug that had chipped when Bailey dropped it years ago. I ran my thumb over the uneven ceramic, a reminder of the family I had now.
My brothers weren’t perfect. Far from it. But they had my back. They’d barely even blinked an eye when I brought Shiloh here with less than twenty-four hours’ warning. They’d agreed, unanimously, that he should stay after learning of the dangerous men who might want to hurt him.
Emory tiptoed into the room. He took one look at me and smiled sympathetically. “Rough night on the couch?”
“Do I look that bad?”
He cringed and held up his fingers a millimeter apart. “Maybe a little bit. Want me to make you some eggs? Food might help.”
I sighed. “No, it’s too early for everyone else. Besides…” My stomach gave a sickly wobble. “Not feeling it.”
He nodded, moving past me to open the cabinet and retrieve a mug for himself. It was white and covered in black tattoo designs drawn by Emory. His best friend, Allison, had it custom-made for Christmas, and Emory treasured it, drinking from it every day.
“So, got any plans for today?” he asked in a clear attempt to shift my mood.
I groaned. “Just the damn Chamber dinner this evening. Damn, I hate that I have to leave Shiloh on his own. He’ll probably feel abandoned.”
I was in no mood to grit my teeth and endure handshakes and the few arm claps I couldn’t dodge. I’d trained myself to get through it, but it was never pleasant.
Tonight, they were presenting local scholarship and entrepreneur opportunities, though. I wanted Bailey there with me to meet some of the business owners. I couldn’t afford to miss it, for his sake.
It was going to be a medication day. I hated to rely on the anti-anxiety drug, but with little sleep and high stress, it would be a necessity.
“You’re taking very good care of Shiloh,” Emory said. “But if you’re worried, I’ll keep him company for dinner. Gray has a bike job he was planning to work late on.”
I frowned. “Really? Is that Kawasaki giving him trouble?”
“Don’t ask me,” Emory said with a chuckle. “He talks mechanics, and it all turns into teacher speak from Charlie Brown. Just mwa-mwa-mwa!”
I huffed an amused breath, nerves settling a little. I finished off my coffee and headed down the hall. I turned the knob on my bedroom door, expecting it to be locked. It wasn’t. The door opened, and I peeked in.
Shiloh lay under my comforter, hair tousled from sleep. I stared for a long moment, thinking of all the times I’d fantasized about Shiloh being real. Being here.
Now that it had happened, the sight made my chest hurt.
A man was in my bed, and I couldn’t go near him.
I slipped into the room and closed the door as softly as I could before going into the bathroom. My reflection made me cringe. No wonder Emory was worried about me. My skin was too pale, my eyes too red. I looked as if I hadn’t slept for days despite my nap yesterday morning.
The bed springs squeaked, and I flinched. Shit. So much for convincing anyone I was okay. I couldn’t even convince myself. With a resigned sigh, I opened the medicine cabinet and withdrew a pill bottle. I shook a pill out, turned on the faucet, and cupped my hand under the stream of water.
The pill went down easier than my pride. The cool water refreshed me some too. When I straightened, Shiloh was watching me from the doorway.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” I slipped the pill bottle into my pocket on reflex. I hated showing my weak spots to anyone, but I especially didn’t want Shiloh to see them now when he was relying on me to be strong for him. “How did you sleep?”
He stretched, arching his back and showing a strip of his lower belly as he did. The man was a sexy menace. “Good. Really good. Your bed is like a cloud in heaven, except, you know, I didn’t have any angels joining me last night.”
I chuckled. “Good. No one joins you in my bed except—”
“Except?” Shiloh prompted.
I shook my head, surprised the thought had even entered my mind. Except me, I’d almost said. I was too used to our virtual role play. But I couldn’t say those things when we could actually make them happen, because I’d only freak the fuck out the second Shiloh tried to touch me.
I hated seeing the way my reaction affected my brothers. They understood my trauma and didn’t take it personally, but for a split second, they couldn’t hide that flash of hurt in their eyes.
It would kill me to put that look on Shiloh’s face. It would be so much worse because he didn’t understand my past the way my brothers did. He didn’t wear childhood scars like a second layer of clothing.
“You coming to breakfast?” I asked, changing the subject. “It won’t be long now before Gray gets hangry.”
“Sure, thanks.” He hesitated. “Are you working again today?”
“Yeah, and I’ve got a meeting tonight. I’m sorry to leave you on your own, but—”
“It’s okay. I didn’t ask because I was worried. I thought I might…” He waved toward my computer, and the penny dropped. So did my stomach.
I swallowed. “Right. You’ve got work too.”
He cocked his head. “Unless you don’t want me to cam here? It’s just, this isn’t a permanent solution, you know? I don’t really have another way to make an income right now.”
“It’s your job,” I said, knowing I had no right to ask him to stop. Even if I was a selfish, jealous asshole. “Of course you can’t just quit for my sake.”
He licked his lips. “I mean, none of my other clients are VIPs like you.”
“Stop. I know I’m not special.”
His eyes met mine. “You absolutely are. I wouldn’t be here right now if you weren’t.”
My stomach flipped at the sincerity in his gaze. I’d always hoped Shiloh might care about me. Pretended he did. But deep down, I’d always been afraid I was nothing but a job to him.
“That’s, uh…” The image of him sitting in my office chair, stripped of his clothes, hard dick spilling over his fist as his mouth went slack, hit hard. I stumbled over my words. “I want, should, need to— I’ll use the hall shower.”
I raced out of the room before Shiloh could decipher my expression.
The anti-anxiety meds soothed my nerves, but I was just that little bit off for the rest of the day. I snapped at Gray over his bike job that still wasn’t done.
“What happened to being ahead of schedule?”
He threw up his hands. “Shit happens, Holden! I didn’t think it would be this big of a job.”
“That’s why you don’t fritter away your time when things seem to be going well,” I ground out.
He left my office, slamming the door behind him.
I lost myself in spreadsheets and paperwork, activities that always gave me a sense of satisfaction. Everything had its place and its purpose. There were no surprises, and I controlled every last decimal point.
Although, I didn’t like the hours Matteo was clocking. It was never going to be enough to get him ready by the time Bailey left.
I checked the schedule. He wasn’t working until Friday. I’d have to pull him aside and have a chat. No doubt, I’d endear myself to him as much as I had to my brothers.
By the end of the day, Gray and Bailey were ready to start a revolt, and Axel had walked in, taken one look at me, and told everyone he’d be busy in the junkyard.
Taz had even shown me his teeth, and he usually reserved his snarl for Gray.
My medication had worn off hours ago, but I was reluctant to take another dose when I’d need one for the Chamber meeting.
I shut down my computer with relief and joined Gray and Bailey in the garage.
“We’ve got the Chamber dinner, Bails. Go get showered.”
Bailey groaned theatrically. “Why do I have to go?”
“Because it’s a chance to make a good impression on a lot of the people who will be funding local scholarships. We’ve been over this.”
“You know they’ll just choose the best essay or someone with the best grades,” he grumbled. “Neither of those will be me.”
“All the more reason to make a good impression on them in person,” I said firmly.
“But I can already get foster kid sympathy money from the state,” he whined.
“You don’t know how much or if it will pay for all your needs. We need to cover all our bases. The shop is doing better, but college is expensive.”
Bailey turned a beseeching look on Gray. “Tell him it’s a waste of time.”
“Don’t look at me,” Gray said. “I’m the slacker who has to work overtime tonight.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I never called you a slacker.”
“You implied it,” he grumbled.
“I’m sorry, Gray. I’m a little…tired today.”
“We should cancel the Chamber event then,” Bailey said quickly. “So you can rest.”
“Nice try,” I said dryly. “Go get your ass in the shower.”
“Fine, Dad. I’m going. Wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to wow them with all the reading I’ve been doing,” he snarked.
He went out the door, and Gray and I exchanged a look.
“He thinks calling me Dad is an insult,” I said.
Gray’s expression softened. “You’re the closest thing to a father he’s got now, and he’s lucky to have you.”
I shuffled my feet, the heat of shame crawling up my neck. “I really am sorry for being a bossy dick today.”
Gray shrugged. “I got myself into this predicament. But you know I’ll always dig myself back out of the hole, right? It’s not your problem. I can handle it.”
I instinctively brushed those words away. Of course it was my problem. The shop was the glue that held our family together. It was too important for me to take my eye off the ball for even a second.
As Gray’s expression shuttered, though, I realized I was shaking my head no.
“You’re right,” I forced out. “It’s hard for me to let go of things.”
“Well, I can’t be too upset,” Gray said. “You might have never kept us all together otherwise.”
“I didn’t,” I said, thinking of all the years he was gone.
“We’re all here now, Holden,” he reminded me. “That’s thanks to you.”
“I’ll work on the bossy thing,” I said.
“I won’t hold my breath.”
I laughed. “Asshole.”
He grinned. “Don’t push yourself too hard tonight. Use Bailey as a buffer.”
“He’ll love that.”
When I got to the house, Shiloh was in the shower. I slipped into my bedroom and changed into a suit, then met Bailey out front after leaving a text for Shiloh to remind him I’d be in late.
We drove over to the swanky Silver Spoon restaurant, where they were holding their meeting in a private room.
As soon as we entered, Ed Thomas made a beeline toward me, beefy hand extended.
“Bailey,” I said tensely.
My brother reached out, shaking his hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Bailey, the younger brother.”
“Right, right. Good to see you both here,” Ed said. “I’ve saved a couple of seats at my table. You did a great job on my BMW last month.”
“That was all Bailey,” I said.
Ed’s eyes sharpened as he took in my brother. “Well, well. That must be handy, having such a talented kid in the shop.”
“It would be,” I agreed, “except he’s headed to college in the fall.”
“Ah, is he? Well, let me introduce you to Mel Weeks. She inherited her dad’s dealership, and she’s interested in shifting away from funding only athletic scholarships. I’m thinking with you all being in the car business, she might just take a shine to you.”
His hand landed on my arm briefly, and even over my clothes, it made me tense up and my stomach swirl with nausea.
Thankfully, he didn’t linger, walking ahead of us to the table.
“You going to be okay?” Bailey asked, concerned. I must not be hiding my reaction as well as I’d like. But I’d taken another anti-anxiety pill just before we entered. I could handle one or two casual touches, as long as they didn’t get too plentiful.
“Great. This is exactly why we’re here.”
“I know, but—”
“Just sit between us,” I murmured. “Once dinner starts, it should get easier.”
While we crossed the room, Ed stopped to shake hands and introduce Bailey to a couple of other business people. I shook John Gold’s hand, knowing he’d keep it brief, while Bailey stepped in to block the more effusive men.
By the time we sat down, I was trembling slightly. Bailey pushed a glass of water toward me, and I gratefully lifted it to cool my dry throat.
“I can’t believe you put yourself through this,” he said. “And you’re not even here for you…are you?”
I glanced sidelong at him. “You know why we’re here.”
“For me?” he said in a small voice.
“Of course for you. You’ve got a future to think about.”
Bailey chewed his bottom lip. “I’m really not worth all this.”
“Don’t start with that crap. You’re the best of us, Bailey. You can do anything. So let me help you.”
Mel arrived at the table, and Ed’s booming laugh cut off anything else Bailey might have said.
He gave me a nod and turned to greet the woman who could help him build the kind of life that Gray, Axel, and I could only imagine.