Chapter 13
Holden
That was the best sex I’d ever had. Shiloh had surrendered control of his body to me, trusting me with his pleasure and his comfort, and I couldn’t even hold him.
I climbed to my feet, throat tight. “I should get ready for work.”
“Okay.” He sprawled over the bed, limbs loose and relaxed. “I’m not sure I could walk yet, anyway.”
I went into the bathroom, but something stopped me from getting into the shower. The urge to care for Shiloh in some small way.
I grabbed a washcloth from the drawer under the sink and wet it with warm water, then returned to the room. Shiloh had removed the prostate massager and tossed it on top of his duffel bag.
“Hey,” I murmured. “I thought you might want to clean a little since you have to wait on me to shower…”
“Sure, thanks.”
He held out his hand, and I hesitated. I could just give him the cloth. That would be easy. I’d shown some consideration.
But if I ever wanted more with Shiloh, if I wanted to push out of my comfort zone and work on my touch aversion, I had to start somewhere.
I bypassed his hand and lowered the cloth to his stomach. The material was a barrier between our skin. The proximity still made me nervous.
Shiloh sucked in a surprised breath.
“This okay?” I asked. “I just…wanted to take care of you.”
“You’ve been taking very good care of me,” he said softly.
I met his gaze, and it was soft and full of an affection I didn’t know how to return, but I wanted to try. I swiped the cloth over his stomach, then down to his thigh. Part of me wanted to leave my cum to dry there. It was a weird, dirty impulse to have some part of me in contact with Shiloh.
I wiped it off and quickly took a step back.
“Thanks,” he said. “That was sweet of you.”
I cleared my throat. “Well, it seemed like the least I could do, given all you let me do to you.”
“You can have your way with me anytime,” Shiloh said with a wink.
“What if…”
“What if, what?” Shiloh asked, pushing up on his elbows.
The question felt too big to just blurt out. I shook my head. “Nothing. I should get in the shower.”
“Okay…”
I retreated to the bathroom and started the shower, turning the water as hot as it would go. I scrubbed down quickly. I was probably going to miss breakfast, and the guys would give me hell, but it was worth it.
Shiloh slept in my bed last night, and the world didn’t crash down on my head. He’d given me a sexual outlet I’d never had with anyone else. Could he help me even more? Could I let him?
When I got out of the shower, the room was steamy. I dried and wrapped the towel around my waist, knotting it in place, then wiped the mirror to clear it of fog.
The door opened, and I saw Shiloh’s reflection.
He paused in the doorway, gaze roaming over my back.
I tensed, hyperaware of the scars from severe whippings that broke my skin and made me bleed.
I’d covered the cigarette burns on my arms with tattoos, but I couldn’t tolerate having my back touched.
Not even for ink. I’d panicked every time I tried.
This was the first time Shiloh had gotten a good look. I should have been more careful to lock the door, but I’d been floating on a sex high.
I braced myself for sympathy or pity or well-meaning words of apology, even though it wasn’t Shiloh’s fault my parents were pieces of shit.
I got none of that. He lifted his gaze, meeting my eyes in the mirror.
“You’re one sexy man, Holden Cross,” Shiloh murmured appreciatively.
Relief swept through me. Shiloh saw my scars, but he still saw me. All too often, my trauma overshadowed who I was in people’s eyes. They saw a victim. They saw a survivor. I just wanted to be Holden Cross.
Shiloh continued his perusal, dropping his eyes to my ass, doing nothing to hide his attraction. There was a time a look like that would unnerve me. Make me want to run away before that person got too close and inevitably crossed a boundary. But Shiloh made me wish he could come closer.
Dr. Levy told me to talk to him, but it was easier said than done. What if I asked and he said no? Even scarier, what if he said yes?
My body heated just thinking of what we’d done together this morning. The look in his eyes was as close to a caress as I’d ever had. When I’d come, it’d been more powerful than any of our cam sessions.
When I jerked off alone, I was left hollow and aching for connection. Shiloh’s presence made all the difference. But it still wasn’t enough.
I wanted more of him. More closeness, more connection…
Touch.
“You’re sexier than I could ever hope to be,” I told him honestly. “You make me feel things…I didn’t think were even possible for me.”
His eyes locked with mine. “Same.”
“But I don’t know where this can go,” I said. “I’ve got so much baggage.”
“Is it the destination that really matters?” Shiloh said. “Or the journey?”
“So enjoy it while it lasts?”
“Something like that. I’m not trying to be flippant. I like you, Holden. We’re friends. Maybe we could even be more. But my life is a mess, and who knows how this will all work out? I don’t know what’s next, but whatever it is, I don’t want you to ever feel I’m taking advantage—”
“I don’t,” I cut in. “I want you here.”
His lips curled in a sexy little smirk. “Well, good. Because I really want to enjoy this view for a little longer.”
“Enjoy it for as long as you want.”
I meant it too. I wanted Shiloh to stay as long as he needed. If that ended up being weeks or months, I wasn’t going to protest. Hell, if it ended up being forever, I’d be the luckiest man ever. But I knew Shiloh was too practical for that. Too independent. He’d want to get his life back on track.
I slathered my face with shaving cream and raised my razor to scrape away stubble. Shiloh watched me shave, eyes intent as I craned my head back to run the razor under my chin and along my neck.
I rinsed it in warm water. “Are you just going to watch, or did you need something in here?”
“Oh!” He jolted into motion. “I wanted to brush my teeth.”
He leaned forward just as I lifted the razor back to my face and reached for his toothbrush. He moved in close, and I flinched away on instinct, my hand slipping.
A sharp sting bloomed along my jaw.
“Oh, shit!” Shiloh gasped, lifting his hand as if to reach for my face.
“It’s fine,” I said quickly, leaning away.
He dropped his hand. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to— Damn. I’m sorry.”
I reached for a square of toilet paper to dab at the cut. “It’s my fault. My hand slipped.”
He huffed. “Because I got too close. I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I’ll keep my distance—”
“No!” I blurted.
His gaze jerked to mine, his eyes wide and confused.
“I don’t want more space between us,” I said. “I want—”
I exhaled hard. Why was this so hard to say? I’d spent my whole life telling people to keep away. To not touch. Doing the opposite seemed wrong.
“You want what?” Shiloh asked.
It took me a minute to find my voice. I breathed through the nerves writhing in my gut.
“I’ve been thinking that maybe we could try…touching.”
His eyebrows flew up. “I didn’t think you could do that?”
“Well, I can a little. It’s very limited.” I wiped off my face. It wasn’t the best shave job, but it’d do for today. Turning to him, I made eye contact. “I practice exposure therapy with my brothers, but… I’ve not made as much progress as I could have.”
“Oh. So they touch you?” His gaze roamed to my chest and stomach, and he bit his lower lip. “Not gonna lie. I’d love to get my hands all over you.”
I tensed on reflex, and his gaze returned to mine. “On your terms, of course. Or not at all, if that’s not what you meant? Sorry.”
“No, I meant it. Of all the people in the world who might touch me, you’re the one I wish could do it.”
A smile tugged at his lips. “Yeah? Even more than your brothers?”
I laughed. “Yeah. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want to be able to comfort them. But what I want with you…”
He waggled his eyebrows. “Tell me more.”
“We’d have to start really slow,” I warned. “I talked to my therapist about it. She suggested holding hands first.”
“It won’t hurt you to do this, will it?”
I frowned. “Hurt is the wrong word. It scares me. Makes me panic sometimes. I can get flashbacks, and that…well, it makes me remember the pain. It’s awful when it happens, but I’ve learned a lot of coping strategies for that.
Most of the time, it’s just a physical reaction.
My body was programmed at a young age to associate touch with pain, and I have to retrain my brain. ”
“That sounds difficult.”
“It is. I, uh, probably could have made more progress by now, but…I had other things to worry about, so I pushed it to the back burner. I figured, why try when I can avoid?” My mouth twisted. “I’ve been holding myself back out of fear.”
“You have good reason,” he said hesitantly.
“But I don’t want to keep holding back,” I said, taking a step toward him. “I want to try. With you.”
“Wow. Okay. That’s a big deal, isn’t it?”
“For me? Yeah. For you, I don’t know. You’ve probably held hands a lot of times before.”
“But never with you.”
There was a sincerity to the statement that eased my nerves a little.
Everything we did would be a first for me.
It would be scary and stressful, even if the possibility of more also excited me.
Knowing that Shiloh would take it seriously, that he understood the gravity of it, made it easier for me to take this step.
“So, how does this work?” Shiloh asked.
“We’d just practice small touches at first. Work our way up to more.
It would all be planned. No surprises. And, um, I won’t lie.
I might jerk away. I might even hyperventilate or go into a full-fledged panic attack.
I mean, I hope not. I hope we can take it slow and gradually make progress, kind of like I did with the tattoos. ”
“So if you have a bad reaction, what then?”
“Well, I would need some time to calm down and regroup. We’d talk about what went wrong, and we’d either try again or we’d move on to something else.”
“I don’t want to trigger you,” he said. “I don’t want to fuck it up and make things worse.”
“Shy, you won’t. I’ll be guiding you, okay? If anyone messes up and pushes too far, it’ll be me. I’ve never done this before either. We might never make it past holding hands for all I know, or we might make it all the way to…”
“You inside me?” he suggested.
“Jesus,” I murmured with a shudder. I wanted that. So damn bad. “It’s a journey, like you said.” I licked my dry lips. “I want to take the journey, even if I don’t ever reach the destination. Does that make sense?”
His eyes softened. “Yeah, it does.”
“Will you help me take this journey, Shy?”
“Is it too cheesy to say I’d be honored?”
“Yes,” I said with a laugh.
“Then I’ll just say, fuck yeah, sign me up.
Whatever you want or need, Holden, I’m there, and not just because you’re incredibly sexy and I’ve wanted to touch you since the day I laid eyes on you.
But because you deserve to know the kind of pleasure touch can bring, and I’d absolutely love to be the guy to help you experience that. ”
I grinned, even as my pulse leapt. This was really going to happen.
It was just a first step, and I had no idea if I’d get beyond it, but it was a start.