Chapter 14
Shiloh
I scrolled through Netflix offerings, not really seeing the screen. My mind was too full of Holden’s request to explore touch with me.
Part of me was thrilled with the notion of finally touching this man. The other part of me was terrified that I’d send him into a panic and set his progress back even further.
Still, for the chance to hold his hand, it’d be worth it. Even if that was all I got, I wanted it too badly to refuse.
I sighed. I was way too gone over this guy.
I should be logging in to the cam site and setting up as many shows as possible. I needed to save money and figure out how to rebuild my life.
Instead, I was avoiding my clients.
I didn’t mind doing the public shows. They were just a performance, really. But the private sessions were more intimate, and the more I shared with Holden, the less I wanted to provide a one-on-one sexual experience with anyone else.
Before I met him, I wouldn’t have considered those private sessions to be real sex. But after this morning, I couldn’t deny the intimacy that Holden and I shared without a single touch. So, virtual or not, it was sex, and it was sex with someone other than Holden.
That didn’t sit right, even if we hadn’t made a commitment to be exclusive.
I was just wired to be a one-man kinda guy.
A lot of the cam boys I’d gotten to know through the business maintained regular relationships and their online hustle, but I’d only taken it up to pay Brick and Curtis to back off.
Emory came down the stairs behind me, the creak of old wood giving away his presence. The rest of the guys had gone over to the auto shop hours ago.
He paused when he saw me. “Hey, I was gonna make a Zaco run. You want to come along?”
“Sure.” I hopped up, eager for an excuse to get out of the house. “Let me grab my shoes.”
Emory waited while I pulled on a pair of high-top Converse with my skinny jeans and a navy blue fleece over my long-sleeved tee. He was already bundled up in a dark wool coat and boots.
“So, what are Zacos?” I asked as we got into his sedan.
He chuckled. “That’s the million-dollar question. You do not want to get the brothers started on that debate.”
“What’s that mean?”
He smiled. “You’ll see.”
Zacos were obviously food. We pulled up outside a little square building with grimy white walls. It was a hole-in-the-wall, but the drive-through was six cars deep.
Emory parked in one of three spots in its tiny lot. “It’ll be faster if we order inside.”
I followed him to the door and slipped inside, the scent of grease and marinara hitting me instantly. I breathed in, mouth watering. “Pizza?”
Emory pointed to the menu posted above the counter. There was a picture of what looked like a taco on it.
“Tacos?” I said, befuddled.
“Zacos,” he corrected with a grin. “So a little of both.”
“Ahhh, I get it now.”
“The guys love arguing over whether Zacos are tacos, pizza, or sandwiches.”
“Sandwiches?” I chuckled, thinking of the definition of a sandwich. Bread. Food between the bread. I could sort of see it. “Why am I not surprised by this?”
“Because you’re getting to know us.” Emory bumped my shoulder. “Becoming one of the family.”
“I feel like an imposter when you say stuff like that,” I admitted. “I really should find my own place if I’m gonna stay here. I’m crowding everyone.”
“There’s no rush,” Emory said. “If Holden didn’t want you there, you’d be somewhere else. We all know that man calls the shots.”
I smiled, perhaps a little too knowingly after our morning together, and Emory smirked.
“You two were sure late to breakfast today.”
“Hm. Yeah. Well, we haven’t been sleeping the best, but I think that’s finally sorted out.”
“Pretty sure the sounds I heard this morning were not snoring,” he said with a laugh, “but I won’t pry about how that works.”
I shrugged. “We’re actually, um, talking about trying to touch.”
Emory’s eyes widened. “Really?”
The customer ahead of us in line, a frazzled-looking mom and her three very indecisive munchkins—all boys, oy, my teacher heart twinged for her—finished her order. I was saved from answering as we stepped up to the counter.
Emory rattled off an order that seemed memorized. Two orders of sausage-and-pepper Zacos, a veggie, a three-meat, a Hawaiian, and a classic pepperoni. Emory turned to me expectantly. “What would you like?”
“Oh, um…” I focused on the guy taking our order, presumably the owner since he was in his late fifties and looked like someone who’d tell a boss to fuck off. “What do you recommend?”
“Sausage-and-peppers are the best, hands down, but our new buffalo chicken is pretty popular too.”
“I’ll take sausage, then.” I turned to Emory. “Did that order include something for Flynn, or is he on his own?”
“Oh! Yeah, Ray, please add a sausage for our new guy.”
“You got it.” He slid a plastic stand with the number 3 on it toward us. “Take a seat, and I’ll work on this.”
The doors chimed with another customer walking in. We turned, and I recognized Parker Reid, the grade school teacher we’d run into at the sports bar the first time I went out with Emory.
“Wow, this is a small town,” I joked.
Parker grinned. “Hi, guys. I see you all have good taste.”
“Shouldn’t you be in school?” I couldn’t help asking.
He glanced around guiltily, as if someone was going to catch him ditching. “It’s my planning period, and I couldn’t take another day of cafeteria food. I’ve been horribly lazy about packing lunches. I know it would be healthier, but…”
“You ran into us at Zacos,” Emory said. “We can hardly judge.”
“That’s true. We can indulge in our bad habits together.”
Emory chuckled. “We’re just sitting down to wait for our order. Join us after you put yours in, if you want.”
“Sure. Thanks.”
We found a table against the wall. There wasn’t much to choose from, considering there were only three. Zacos was built for takeout, not dining in. We took seats at a flimsy card table while Parker stepped up to the counter.
Emory leaned in. “Quick, tell me more. What exactly does Holden want to do?”
For some silly reason, my cheeks heated with a blush. “He wants to start with holding hands.”
“Aw,” Emory crooned. “That’s so adorable. I love that for him!”
His enthusiasm was startling, and it brought home what a big deal this would be for Holden.
“Have you, um, ever seen him do that touch therapy with his brothers?” I asked tentatively.
“No. He’s pretty private about it, but I did see him hug Axel once when he was freaking out.”
“Really? I didn’t know he could do that.”
“Well, Axel was really upset, and Holden was afraid he was going to have a panic attack. He knows how awful that is, so I guess he pushed past it. Normally he’d ask Gray or Bailey to step in, but the dogs were in Axel’s lap, snarling at Gray, and Bailey and I were farther away.
He pushed through for Axel’s sake, and then they were both pale and shaky.
” Emory’s smile was sad. “The way these brothers love is incredible to see. But they’ve been through a lot, and it makes my heart hurt so bad for them. ”
I nodded. “I can’t even imagine. I’ve been hit maybe twice in my whole life.” I rubbed my fingers over my jaw, my bruise gone but the memory lingering. “Never by someone who’s supposed to love me.”
Emory nodded. “They’ve all gone through it in different ways. But they’re strong as hell, and they fight for each other. I can’t think of a bunch of guys I’d rather call family.”
Parker arrived at the table, putting an end to that discussion. He tugged out the chair and set down his plastic number.
“So, how are you liking Riverton?” he asked me.
“I haven’t been out much,” I admitted. “It seems pretty cute, but I’m a little restless. I was used to teaching five days a week.”
“Why don’t you apply here?” Emory asked.
“I’d have to get licensed for Nebraska,” I said, “and my old district couldn’t be a reference, so I don’t know if it would work out. Without them, I have a big hole on my resume.”
“It might not matter,” Parker said. “We’re hurting for teachers right now. We’ve been using substitutes to help fill the gaps.” He paused. “If you were interested, you wouldn’t need a license for that.”
“Really? Hmm. I love having my own class best. My students, you know, who I can see grow over the year. But I’m kind of at loose ends right now…”
“And you might have a better shot at a permanent gig once you get the license,” Parker said. “They’ll have less need of other references if you’ve already been subbing with us.”
Excitement sparked. Could I really get teaching back?
I’d happily give up the camming without the pressure of blackmail, but I’d have to talk to Holden and make sure he was really okay with me staying with him for at least a month or two, because substituting didn’t pay great. It’d take me longer to build up my savings.
But if I could eventually get full-time teaching back, it’d be more than worth it.
Besides, I couldn’t go back to St. Louis, not safely, and I couldn’t go home to my family.
They hadn’t wanted me when I was seventeen and suspended for fucking around in the boys’ locker room, and they certainly wouldn’t want me now that I’d added camming and extortion to my list of troubles.
Ray called out Parker’s number first, since his order was up, and he stood. “Think about it, and if you want to do it, I’ll vouch for you.”
“Thanks, Parker. That’s so nice of you.”
“Don’t thank me until you survive lunch duty with a bunch of hyperactive, messy maniacs.”
I laughed. “Sounds very familiar. It’ll be just like coming home.”
“Please do,” Parker said, clutching his hands at chest level dramatically. “I’d get on my knees and beg, but people might get the wrong idea.”
Emory cackled. “Get out of here before I tell Simon on you!”
Parker grinned. “An overwhelmed teacher’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.”
Ray called his number again, a little more impatience leaking into his tone, and Parker jogged away.
Emory turned back to me. “So, what are you going to do?”
“With the teaching? I don’t know. With Holden? I’m gonna hold his fucking hand.”
Emory laughed, clearly delighted. “I’m glad you’ve got your priorities in order.”
“I might have left home because I needed a place to lay low, but Holden’s the reason I want to stay.”
It was the first time I’d put the feeling into words, but it was true. Holden and I had been camming and chatting for months. Even before we’d met, I’d counted him as a friend. We’d only been around each other in person for a week, but I already knew I wanted a lot more time with him.
Holden was special. One of a kind.
He deserved love, yes, but affection too. And if I could help him find it while rebuilding my teaching career, then maybe this could be more than a temporary fling.
Maybe I could build a real life here, with a great guy, and forget my ex Jimmie and his crew ever existed.