Chapter 15
Holden
Matteo sat across from my desk, leaning forward, face earnest. “I know I’ve missed too many shifts, Holden. I’m sorry. I’m going to do better.”
I nodded. “You’ve got a lot on your plate with this new ex-con work program you’re running.”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to disrupt the shop by taking calls or meeting with the guys here, but I’ll figure it out. Meet with them at night or something.”
“Well, maybe there’s another solution. Let me ask, do you still need this job?”
He hesitated. “The Redemption Road grant pays me a salary to manage the program.”
I nodded. “So, you’re staying here because…”
“Well, you’ve all done so much for me,” he said quickly. “I appreciate you giving me a chance when I needed a job. I’m not just going to leave you high and dry. If it weren’t for your example, I don’t know if I’d have ever pursued the Redemption Road program.”
I smiled wryly. “Don’t sell yourself short. You did this. Because you’ve walked in their shoes. Those guys are lucky to have you.”
“But I know you’re counting on me to take on more hours when Bailey leaves in the fall,” he said. “I don’t want to let you down.”
“Well, we don’t want to let you down either,” I said. “Maybe it’s time for a change. For the good of everyone.”
Bailey had invested months into Matteo’s training, but mechanical work didn’t come naturally to the man. He was decent with his hands, okay with the basic maintenance jobs, but he didn’t understand vehicular engineering enough to diagnose and repair more complex problems.
Not that I could blame him. I didn’t either. I was nothing but a simple grease monkey, able to change oil and filters. I didn’t have the knack, not like Bailey. That kid grew up at our foster dad’s elbow, and for all the old man did wrong, he’d raised him in the religion of mechanics.
All the more reason to get the kid out of here and into college. He deserved a chance to find out what he really wanted to do, not just what had been indoctrinated into him.
And maybe Matteo getting out of here, too, wasn’t such a bad thing either. We could bring Flynn over from the junkyard. If Bailey started training him now, there should be time. Assuming he took to it better than Matteo.
I hashed out the details with Matteo, making sure he was on board and there were no hard feelings. If anything, he looked relieved to relinquish his spot here. That’s how I knew it was the right call.
A knock at the door interrupted us, and Bailey peeked in. “Emory and Shiloh just pulled up with lunch.”
“All right. Get everyone in here, and someone needs to fetch Flynn if he’s going to work at the shop.”
Bailey grinned. “I’ll do it!”
He took off like a shot, and I glanced at Matteo. “Am I going to have a problem with your guy?”
Matteo looked startled. “He’s serious about turning his life around, if that’s what you mean. You know his offense. You said that you understood.”
“I do, but…” I waved to where my little brother had just run off with a goofy grin on his face. “Bailey is impressionable. You remember how he gave you the puppy dog eyes for weeks.”
“Oh.” Matteo chuckled. “You don’t need to worry about Flynn. He’s got a younger brother of his own. He wouldn’t take advantage or threaten his situation here.”
I nodded. “It’s just that I don’t want Bailey getting attached to someone or finding reasons not to spread his wings, you know? It’s nothing against Flynn.”
Emory and Shiloh walked in then, saving me from trying to save face any further. Maybe I was judging Flynn a little, but it was my duty to protect my baby brother. Not his virtue, per se, but his heart and his future.
Emory held the bag of food, but Shiloh was the most appetizing thing in the room. The wind had tousled his dark hair, and somehow, it made him look sexy instead of messy. His cheeks were pink from the cold. And as he rubbed his hands to warm them, my gaze stalled on those long, elegant fingers.
He wasn’t wearing the Ring Pop. He did, sometimes. It wasn’t just a prop for his shows. He loved sucking the dang things, which was hell on my libido, because he’d very effectively trained me into imagining my dick in his mouth when he did.
Just the sight of his fingers now made my stomach flip. Soon, I’d touch those hands. Allow them to touch me. It was thrilling—and terrifying.
Shiloh reached into the bag Emory set on the desk and began pulling out Zacos. “Let me guess…you’re sausage-and-peppers, right?”
He held out a foil-wrapped Zaco. I took it, careful not to allow our fingers to brush. When we held hands, it would be intentional. I’d need time to visualize it, accept it as a good touch, and proceed. I didn’t want to do it with an audience. Didn’t want it to happen at work.
His eyes met mine, lingered. I couldn’t look away either.
Not until Gray entered the office. “Damn, I am starved! Thanks, babe.”
He wrapped one large hand around the nape of Emory’s neck and pulled him into a long, thorough kiss. Emory laughed and ducked his head as he came out of the kiss, flicking a shy glance toward us. “What did I do to deserve that?”
Gray wrapped his arm around Emory’s shoulders, pulling him in against his side. “You’re you. That’s deserving enough, don’t you think?”
Emory laid his head against Gray’s shoulder, emitting such happiness it was difficult to watch.
What must it be like to touch so easily? To express and accept affection without panic or ugly memories getting in the way?
“Well, these sandwiches look great!” Shiloh announced loudly, drawing everyone’s gaze.
Gray dropped his arm and stepped forward to grab his Zaco. “Not you, too, with the sandwiches. Axel will never shut up!”
I flicked my gaze to Shiloh to find him watching me. Had he changed the subject for my benefit? To interrupt the love fest making my chest ache? I didn’t begrudge my brothers’ love. I was happy for them. But it didn’t make it easy to see all I couldn’t have playing out in front of me.
“I heard my name, and spoken with such love,” Axel drawled from the doorway. “What’s up?”
He entered, followed by Bailey and Flynn.
The ex-con we’d hired out at the junkyard was a big guy. Bigger than me, even. Six four, maybe, and stacked with the kind of muscle you got from obsessively going to the gym or working out a hell of a lot while in prison.
In Flynn’s case, I was pretty sure it was the latter.
“Nothing,” Gray said hastily. “We were just talking about how Holden is going to poach Flynn from you.”
“What?” Axel protested. “I just got him trained!”
“Thanks for throwing me under the bus,” I said. “And he’s just doing it so you won’t hear that Shiloh thinks Zacos are sandwiches.”
Axel’s eyes lit up. “Damn straight they are!”
Shiloh shrugged. “They can’t be pizza or tacos because they’re already both. Ergo, sandwiches.”
“Can’t fault that logic,” I said.
Bailey snorted. “You’re just agreeing so Axel won’t be pissed you stole his guy.” He grinned at Flynn. “Don’t you feel loved?”
Flynn looked overwhelmed. “Very.”
Matteo smiled sympathetically. “Sorry, Flynn. I was going to talk to you first, but I do think you’d be a great fit for the job here.”
“I’d be honored to have the opportunity,” Flynn said seriously. “But I also don’t want to leave Axel in the lurch. Maybe I can help out both places until he’s got someone else ready to go?”
I glanced at Bailey. “What do you think?”
“Me?” My little brother sounded shocked to have his opinion taken into account.
“You’re the one who’ll be training him. He needs to be ready to fill your shoes by fall. Do we have time for him to pull double duty?”
“Yeah, we’ll have to start with some basics, anyway. Observation. Rundown of the equipment. He won’t be ready to tackle more right away.”
“I’m happy to stay after hours or come in on the weekends to learn,” Flynn said. “Whatever it takes.”
I nodded. “All right, but Matteo, can you get us someone else out at the junkyard soon?”
“Sure. I can help out, too, until I find someone,” he said.
I nodded. “Appreciate it.”
“Back to the Zacos as sandwiches…” Axel started.
“No,” Gray groaned. “Someone call the sheriff and have this man hauled off.”
Axel grinned. “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
The shit talking continued as we all unwrapped and ate the Zacos. I noticed that Shiloh had also ordered the sausage-and-peppers version. Smart man.
“So, Shiloh got a job offer while we were out,” Emory said, nudging him.
“What kind of job?” I asked.
“One uniquely suited to his skills,” Emory said.
I nearly choked on my last bite of Zaco.
“Teaching,” Shiloh said quickly. “I used to be a third-grade teacher back in St. Louis.”
“I didn’t know that,” Axel said. “That’s really cool. So are you going to work at the school?”
“Maybe,” Shiloh said. “It’s just substituting, but if I get my license in Nebraska…”
My eyes locked with his as my heart leapt in my chest. “You’d be able to stay?”
“Maybe,” he said. “If everything worked out. But when does that ever happen?”
“It happened for me,” Gray said.
“And me,” Axel said. “And no one was more surprised, believe me.”
“I don’t know what will happen, but I think I want to try,” Shiloh said. “But, um, substituting doesn’t pay great.”
I nodded, assuming this was his way of letting me know he’d continue to cam. “You need your online work too. I understand.”
“No, I…” He glanced around at my brothers, looking as if he’d like to say more.
Matteo picked up on it and started toward the door. “Come on, Flynn. We’ve got some paperwork to fill out to make your change of job official.”
Flynn nodded. “Sure thing, boss.”
They filed out, leaving just my brothers, Emory, and Shiloh.
“Should we go too?” Bailey asked.
Shiloh looked at me uncertainly.
“It’s up to you,” I told him. “I don’t want to keep secrets from my brothers, but this is your life.”
Shiloh glanced around the room, smiling awkwardly. “Well, in that case, no. I don’t want to keep camming. Not if I don’t have to. That was just a means to an end.”
“Camming?” Gray said as Emory’s eyes widened in shock. “Like…”
Axel grinned. “Holy shit, you’re a porn star? I thought you were just an online boyfriend or something.”
Bailey’s jaw dropped. “Oh my god. I thought you looked familiar.”
Shiloh and I exchanged a horrified look.
“You didn’t ever…” I said.
“No,” Shiloh said quickly, raising his hands to cover his face, peeking out between his fingers. “No private sessions. I’d remember that. But the larger shows…”
“No, I just saw an advertisement,” Bailey said. “I never wanted to pay for a show. Figured Holden would chew my ass for that.” He shot his brother a look of betrayal. “Apparently, the rules don’t apply to him.”
“Bailey,” Gray said. “It’s different for Holden. You know that.”
“But—”
Axel grabbed his shoulder and squeezed hard enough that Bailey immediately lapsed into silence.
“No, you’re right,” I said. “I probably would have been pissed if you were paying for cam shows. I really didn’t think I had any other option.”
“Sorry,” Bailey muttered. “I was just surprised. I didn’t think you…”
“Had needs?” I asked wryly. “Well, how would you when I work so hard to hide it? But Shiloh has been good for me. I don’t want anyone treating him differently because of this.”
“Of course not,” Emory said. “Shiloh’s great. A camboy on the run.” He chuckled, exchanging a glance with Shiloh I couldn’t quite figure out. “Who would have guessed?”
“Anyone who’s good for you is good by me,” Gray added.
“Ditto,” Axel said. “But are we allowed to look up clips on the internet? You know, just for research—”
I balled up my Zaco wrapper and threw it at his head. “Watch it, or I’ll tell your man.”
Axel ducked, laughing. “Kidding! Just kidding! I’ve already seen Shiloh all naked on your screen, anyway.”
I glared. “And you will forget everything you saw that night and never mention it again.”
Axel held up his hands. “Already forgotten!”
“Seriously, though,” I said, “please don’t look up Shiloh on the internet.”
“I use a different name there anyway,” Shiloh said. “So my life can remain private. And, um, I think it goes without saying that school districts don’t love the idea of camboys teaching in their classrooms. It’s how I lost my last job, so…I really don’t want to endanger a chance at this one.”
“We won’t say anything,” Emory said. “Will we, guys?”
“No,” Gray agreed.
“I’m no snitch,” Axel said, which was funny now that he was dating a sheriff. I was pretty sure he’d most definitely tell Dalton, but Dalton wouldn’t gossip.
Everyone looked at Bailey.
“What?” he said. “I’m not going to say anything! Who would I even tell?”
“Okay, good. Thanks.”
Shiloh met my eyes. “I guess I’ll see you after work, then. We can talk more about…what comes next?”
My pulse echoed in my ears. Right. After work, when he’d probably ask about touching me. Holding my hand. Because I’d asked him to do that.
“I was thinking we could go to the pool hall for dinner,” I said, the words spilling from me on impulse. “We can celebrate your job opportunity.”
Shiloh lifted one eyebrow, seeming to question my motives, and for good reason. I was panicking and avoiding again. But then he smiled.
“Sounds fun. I’m game for whatever you are.”
There was a message there. Shiloh wouldn’t push. My heart calmed.
This was my choice. Shiloh wouldn’t rush me.
That made it easier.
“Shiloh, do you like to play pool?” Bailey asked, because my baby brother was a pool shark at heart.
“No hustling my guy,” I said before thinking it through.
Shiloh wasn’t my boyfriend. In fact, when we’d talked this morning, it had been very specifically without any commitments. But now that Shiloh had a reason to stay, a possible future here, I couldn’t stop imagining more for us.
I was getting way ahead of myself. I’d damn near panicked at the idea of holding his hand.
But man, I really wanted what Gray and Axel had found. I wanted love, affection, and a partner who stood by my side no matter what.
Shiloh smiled at my words, and I thought maybe he wanted that too.
But first, I had to be worthy of him. I had to get past my touch aversion so I could give him the relationship he deserved. Otherwise, I’d only be hurting us both.