Chapter 18 #2
While the guys finished their shift at the auto shop, I went shopping and got to work on a special dinner.
Now that I had a job, a potential future, I had to figure out my next move.
Which meant talking to them. All of them.
Holden was happy I was here, but he wasn’t the only one who lived in this house.
I wasn’t the best cook ever, definitely not as good as Emory, but I had one surefire meal in my arsenal that I thought the guys would like: pork chops with skillet gravy, homemade mac and cheese, and my grandmother’s famous cornbread biscuits.
“Wow,” Emory said after I’d called everyone in for dinner. “This looks amazing.”
Holden carried a casserole dish of mac and cheese to the table for me. “Emory’s right. You really outdid yourself tonight.”
“Yeah, you’re a working man now,” Gray teased. “You don’t have to spoil us so much.”
“Now, don’t sell him short,” Axel said, “Shiloh was already a working man. He worked long and hard for our brother, remember?”
“Ew,” Bailey said, nose crinkling up.
“Um, that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you all about,” I said hesitantly.
“You wanted to talk to us about sexing up Holden?” Axel teased.
I chuckled. “Not exactly.”
“What is it, Shy?” Holden asked.
I drew in a breath. “Well, I can’t tell you all how much I appreciate you letting me crash here and being so welcoming to a virtual stranger.”
“You’re Holden’s friend,” Bailey said. “That’s enough for us.”
I smiled at him. Bailey really was so sweet, and with his bone structure, ugh, he was going to drive someone absolutely crazy one day.
“We’re happy you’re here,” Holden said. “You getting a teaching job doesn’t change that.”
“Well, the thing is, substituting doesn’t pay great. I don’t know how soon I could get my own place. But if I continue camming, I could be out of here by next month.”
“Absolutely not,” Holden said.
The brothers exchanged looks.
“What Holden means to say,” Axel said firmly, “is that you’re welcome to stay longer, whether you quit camming or not. That’s your choice. Right, Holden?”
Holden paled. “Oh god, I wasn’t trying to be controlling.” At everyone’s skeptical expressions, he added, “Not this time! I swear.” He turned to me, his eyes imploring. “You said you couldn’t risk doing both, though. It’s how you lost your last job.”
I swallowed. “Yeah, it’s a risk. This substituting job is temporary, but it’s a step toward getting my life back on track.”
“If there was no risk, would you want to cam?” he asked quietly, eyes locked on mine. “If you could do anything you wanted, what would it be, Shy? Because that’s what I want for you.”
“Even if…”
His lips twisted wryly. “I’m only human. I don’t love sharing you. At all.”
Axel’s cop boyfriend chuckled at the end of the table. “Points for honesty,” he rumbled.
“But…” Holden swallowed. “With everything you’ve done for me? I could never tell you to stop camming, not if it’s what you really want. I’ll learn to deal with it. Your happiness matters more than anything else.”
“Holden giving up control for someone?” Gray said. “That’s huge.”
It was. I didn’t take it lightly.
“I don’t want to keep camming. Risk or no risk. But I had to make sure you were all okay with me continuing to bum around your house.”
“We’re really suffering your presence.” Axel forked up a heaping portion of mac and cheese and stuffed it in his mouth. “Mm. It tastes like bribery.”
“It basically is,” I admitted. “I had to butter you all up.”
Everyone laughed. “You can butter me up with these biscuits every day,” Gray said, lifting one. “This is fucking gold.”
“My grandma’s recipe,” I said.
“You brought out the big guns,” Emory teased. “You must really want to stay.”
I hesitated. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“You could never do that,” Holden said.
“Well, maybe not with you, but them…” I waved my arm toward the table. “It’s their home too. It’s already a pretty full house.”
“If you get tired of Holden, you can move into my room,” Bailey offered.
Gray elbowed him in the ribs. “Ix-nay the oyfriend-bay ealing-stay.”
Bailey looked at him blankly. “What?”
“Nix the boyfriend stealing,” Axel said. “Jesus, do you really not know Pig Latin?”
“Uh, no?” Bailey said.
“Gen Z,” Axel said with an eye roll and a sigh.
“Wait, I’m not stealing any boyfriends,” Bailey continued. “What the hell are you guys talking about?”
“You just offered to let him move into your room,” Holden said, jaw clenched.
“After I’m gone!” Bailey yelped. “I’m going to college in the fall, right? That’s what you keep telling me.”
“That’s months away,” Holden said.
“Well, I didn’t think he’d get tired of you next week,” Bailey said, shifting his gaze to me. “If so, I can’t help you. I don’t steal anyone’s boyfriend, but I’d especially never do that to Holden.”
There was a murmur of agreement while Holden shifted uneasily. And no wonder. We hadn’t exactly put a name to our relationship.
Still, the thought of being called Holden Cross’s boyfriend filled me with a pleasant warmth. And the brief touch of his fingers against mine under the table was enough to make my heart cartwheel.
“Thanks, guys,” I said, blinking hard. “You’ve made me feel like a part of the family, and I just don’t ever want to do anything to ruin that.”
“You can’t,” Gray said, nudging my ankle with his boot. “That’s the great thing about families. They stick together.”
“Not all of them,” I said quietly.
Gray glanced uneasily at Axel, as if expecting a wisecrack, but his brother was concentrating hard on his biscuit.
“You’re right,” Gray said. “Sometimes things go wrong. But this family sticks together. Right, guys?” He tapped his tattoo on his inner wrist. “We’ve got bro code, and, um, I think I speak for all of us when I say it extends to the people we care about too.”
My gaze slipped to Holden’s wrist, where he was inked to match his brothers. “My most painful tattoo,” he murmured.
“Not even close to as bad as the one on my ribs,” Axel said. “That was a bitch.”
“You have a tattoo on your ribs?” I asked.
Axel lifted up his shirt, displaying a skeletal hand holding a set of poker cards. The artwork was beautiful. “Emory drew it.”
“Really?” I leaned in to examine it more closely. Dalton settled a big hand on Axel’s thigh as if to claim him. “Emory, you’re so talented.”
Emory blushed. “Fox did the ink. I’m still learning.”
“Still,” Axel said. “Your design is killer.”
“And Fox isn’t all that,” Dalton muttered.
“It wasn’t the physical pain that was so hard,” Holden said, gazing down at his tat. “My wrist was broken twice before I was three years old.”
There was a sudden and sharp silence at the table. The brothers seemed on edge. Surely, they knew about Holden’s childhood abuse, but the way he said it so matter-of-factly was chilling.
“My mother grabbed me and dragged me around. She’d twist my wrist when she got angry, and…well, they call it a radial fracture, I guess.”
That poor baby boy. My eyes burned at the thought of that small child in fear and pain, but my sorrow was quickly followed by a molten rage. If his mother was at this table right now, I’d tear her apart.
“Cyrus triggered me every time we did a session,” Holden continued. “It took me six sessions to get it done, spread out over two months. For just this tiny tattoo.”
“I didn’t know that,” Axel rasped. “We could have chosen a different spot or done something else entirely.”
Holden shook his head. “No way. We made a pact, and the fact it hurt, the fact it overwrote some trauma, was worth it to me. I know other people just see a tattoo when they look at it. But…” He swallowed.
“What I see is all the ways my family has helped me heal.” His eyes locked on me.
“And you’re part of that now, Shiloh. So I’d really like you to stay.
Not so you’ll stop camming, and not because you can’t afford your own place.
I’d like you to stay for me. Because I’m selfish.
Because I want to keep healing, and I think I can do it best of all with you. ”
“Holden…” My heart pulsed with sadness and affection and sheer gratitude for the precious man before me. “You’ve done so much for me. You’re not selfish at all! I’d love to stay longer, especially if it means I get to be part of your healing.”
“Is it just me, or has it turned into a soap opera in here?” Bailey asked. “I’ve got to get out of here before hearts shoot out of my ass or something.”
There was a shocked moment of silence, and then the brothers all collapsed into laughter.
“Way to ruin a moment,” Holden griped, but he was smiling.
The air felt lighter somehow. Bailey might be young, but he’d grown up with Holden’s scars. Maybe I’d learn a little something from him about how to live with it, how to hear Holden’s truths, acknowledge them, then crack a joke that had everyone finishing up dinner with a smile.