Chapter 19
Holden
I pulled up in front of Riverton Grade School and watched the students run onto the playground for lunch recess.
Girls giggled and whispered, heads close together.
Boys horsed around until the teacher on duty ordered them to settle down.
There was a race to the swings. Why were there never enough swings?
They were the best feature of the playground.
I sat in my idling GTO, trying not to look like a creeper watching kids, and waited for Shiloh to come out of the side entrance.
I’d been taking him in the morning and picking him up at lunch each day.
I could have just let him drive the GTO, but I liked spending these few minutes away from work each day.
A little time for me and Shiloh to exist away from my brothers or my responsibilities.
Parker emerged first, carrying a lunch sack, with Shiloh just behind him, shouldering a monster tote bag.
They were both talking as they stepped out the door.
Laughing. They paused on the sidewalk to finish their conversation, and Shiloh laid one hand on Parker’s forearm, looking serious and intent.
My gut tightened with jealousy.
I couldn’t even tolerate that touch, but I didn’t want anyone else to have it. What kind of jackass did that make me?
I hopped out of the car to open the passenger door for Shiloh as he and Parker finally parted ways.
“Hey, thanks for the ride.” He smiled as he slipped into the front seat. “I asked Parker, and he said he could start bringing me home because he has a planning period right after lunch.”
“No,” I said, closing the door.
When I got back into the driver’s seat, Shiloh lifted an eyebrow at me. “No?”
“I can pick you up. I told you it was fine.”
Besides, I didn’t need the gorgeous, touchable Parker hanging around Shiloh even more. He might have a longtime partner, but this was Shiloh. Who wouldn’t want to be with him?
I shifted the car into drive and pulled away from the curb.
“You’ve got your own job to worry about,” Shiloh said. “Bad enough that I’ve been mooching off you. I don’t want to be a hassle too.”
“Shiloh.” I slowed for a stop sign and looked him in the eye. “Please stop thinking of yourself as some unwanted houseguest. You’re family now.”
His lips parted. For once, he was speechless. I smirked as I drove through the intersection and hung a left.
“You’re proud of that one,” he finally sputtered.
“With good reason. We make a good family.”
“I can’t argue that.”
He shifted in the seat, adjusting the tote on his lap. It seemed a good time to change the subject.
“So, how was your first week?”
“Well, it’s not the same as having my own classroom. I’ve stepped into the middle of a lesson plan, and I can’t find anything, but the kids have been great.”
“No one’s throwing wadded-up spitballs at you when you turn your back?” I teased.
“Nope, they’re all sweet, but now I’ve got homework.” He tapped the tote. “I can’t work more hours at the building, but this will keep me busy.”
“Grading?”
“Yeah, it’s just a fun little art project the kids did. I’ll be done in time to enjoy this movie night you guys keep talking about.”
I chuckled. “It’s not that exciting. We just stream something that reminds us of our childhood.”
“That’s not…” He trailed off.
“Triggering?”
“Sorry. It’s not like I know anything about it.”
“It’s okay,” I said, slowing for a stoplight. Tentatively, I reached out, setting my hand over the top of his on the console between us.
I liked doing this while I drove because I could enjoy touching Shiloh without pressure to go beyond my limits. When the lights changed, I returned my hand to the steering wheel and refocused on the road.
“I spent a lot of my childhood with the Forresters, but even before that, I still have some good memories. My whole life wasn’t my trauma. Though, honestly, good memories can be triggering too. It’s almost more painful to know there was some good there, you know?”
“You don’t have to talk about this.”
“I’ve been through years of therapy, Shy. Dr. Levy helped me face a lot of demons. Your questions aren’t likely to tip me over the edge. Besides, I want you to know me.”
“Okay,” he said hesitantly. “So it’s a retro movie night, then?”
“That’s the idea. We make movie snacks instead of dinner and gorge ourselves like a bunch of ten-year-olds. Axel brings over all the dogs.”
Shiloh laughed. “Oh, this is sounding better and better. The only thing missing is a game of spin the bottle.”
“Yeah. Well, I don’t know how your family worked, but in mine, brothers don’t make out.”
Shiloh snorted a laugh. “Guess not. Only child. Sorry. Wasn’t thinking.”
“Uh-huh.” I pulled into the drive and headed toward the house to drop Shiloh off. “Or you’ve just got a warped mind.”
“That too. Actually, though, none of you are biological brothers. Have you ever thought about…”
“No,” I said emphatically. “We may not be blood, but we still grew up together. That would be weird.”
“I guess so. Gray is kinda hot, though.”
“Get out of here,” I playfully snarled.
Shiloh snickered. “Okay, sorry!”
“Take it back, or no popcorn mixed with M&Ms for you.”
“Holden, you know I’m partial to a Ring Pop.”
That sent my mind spiraling to the last time he’d brought one out and I’d ended up sucking it while jerking off over his trembling body.
Shiloh smirked, knowing exactly what he was doing, the brat. “See ya!”
He jogged up the porch steps, leaving me grumbling and half-hard in my jeans. I returned to work, where I was wrestling with some spreadsheets that refused to come out in our favor, which deflated my dick in quick order.
By the time I double-checked the math, called one of our parts suppliers to yell about—er, negotiate—rising costs, and watched reels of pandas evading their zookeepers and tipping over baskets to decompress, it was time to clock out. My mood, miraculously, wasn’t shit.
I credited that to the pandas—and to the fact I’d be eating popcorn and candy for dinner.
I met the guys over at the house. We all cleaned up, pulled out the snacks we were contributing to the movie night, and headed into the living room.
This used to be just the four of us, and even that was a squeeze, but now it was seven. Plus five dogs, of course.
Axel and Dalton sat on the sofa, with Banshee sprawled over their laps to make up for lost time. She loved me, but she remembered her first daddy.
Axel’s rottweiler, Sugar, leaned against the side of the couch, while the German shepherd, Loki, lay at their feet. Taz, being a small Chihuahua, was dancing over the cushion beside Dalton.
Gray and his man had squeezed into a big, squashy armchair that matched the sofa Emory moved in last fall. The only piece of furniture in the room that was still original was a recliner I’d claimed as mine years ago so I wouldn’t have to worry about my touch aversion.
Emory patted Oreo, the border collie resting his chin on the arm of their chair and looking worshipfully at him, while Gray kept a wary eye on Taz. While I watched, Taz raised a lip, snarling at Gray with a tiny growl, until he averted his eyes.
Axel tickled Taz under the chin. “Relax. We don’t hate him anymore.”
“Thanks,” Gray said dryly. “Maybe try saying it with a little more enthusiasm.” He followed that up with a mutter that sounded like, “Dick-eating monster.”
Axel laughed and raised his beer to take a gulp, gaze falling on Shiloh. “Hey, you can sit with us. Taz likes you.”
“Oh, uh…” Shiloh cast an uncertain glance at me, and my chest tightened.
“Holden always takes the chair,” Gray said. “Right, bro?”
I hesitated. I hadn’t considered the seating arrangements, and it wasn’t like I could ask my brothers to move so that I could sit a few inches from Shiloh and maybe try to hold his hand.
Gray and Axel were already all cuddled up with their men.
Still, what would it be like to be comfortable enough to do that with Shiloh? I wished I could.
“Yeah,” I said. “That’s how we usually do it.”
“Okay,” Shiloh said easily, moving over to take a seat on the far end of the sofa.
I sat my ass in the recliner with a little bowl of popcorn I wouldn’t share with anyone and tried not to sulk. No one was keeping me from Shiloh. No one but me, anyway. But every day, the isolation I’d taken safety in felt more like a prison.
Bailey came in last, glanced around, and swore under his breath. “The floor? Really?”
“Oh, take my seat!” Shiloh hopped up.
“You don’t have to do that,” Gray said.
“Yeah, it’s the price of being the youngest,” Axel added as he snuggled more deeply into the circle of Dalton’s arm.
His boyfriend chuckled and shook his head. “You’re so mean.”
Axel tipped up his face and kissed Dalton’s chin. “You love it.”
His goofy smile showed that yes, he did.
Shiloh grabbed a spare throw pillow and came over by me. “It’s okay. I like sitting on the floor, anyway.”
He tossed the pillow down beside the recliner, plopped down cross-legged—Jesus, no way could I sit like that without pulling something—and leaned against the side of my chair.
The gesture touched me. But it hurt too. Was this all I could offer Shiloh? Closeness, but always with a barrier between us?
I barely saw the movie, my mind too consumed with wanting. Yearning. Full-on angsting like a teen boy with a boner for his hot, untouchable teacher.
I ate popcorn on autopilot and drank two beers, watching my brothers talk shit and laugh their way through The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but that shit was hitting a little too close to home for me.
I was thirty-one, and I didn’t really consider myself a virgin, not with all the things I’d done with Shiloh, but I’d never been inside another person or had them inside me.
I’d gotten a hand job once, but I’d had to get so drunk first that I barely remembered it.
A few more beers, and it would be easier to touch Shiloh. Add in some whiskey, and I might even manage more than that. But I didn’t want it to be that way with him. I wanted to be aware and clearheaded. I wanted to remember every detail of what we did together.
By the time we called it a night, I was vibrating with an unnamable need inside me.
Shiloh was oblivious to my inner turmoil. As soon as the door closed, he pulled his hoodie over his head and tossed it in the hamper. His sweats followed. I watched him get naked without an ounce of modesty, but also no flirtation. School came early in the morning.
He climbed under the blankets with a yawn, then seemed to realize I was standing unmoving in the center of the room.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Just zoning out.”
He smiled quizzically. “You did that a lot tonight. Something got you worried?”
“No. Just…thinking.”
I considered telling him everything, trying to explain how it felt to want something and be unable to take it. How lonely and isolating it could be. But that would only make him sad for me. I wanted Shiloh to feel a lot of things for me, but sympathy wasn’t one of them.
I unbuttoned my shirt and popped the button on my black jeans. I was half-naked before I realized Shiloh was watching me intently.
I paused. “Something on your mind?”
His lips quirked. “Just admiring the scenery.”
I shed my shirt, then reached for the lamp and turned it out, not in the right mindset to put on a show. Shiloh was the exhibitionist. I wasn’t used to being admired that way.
Shiloh didn’t comment on me hiding in the dark.
“I take it we aren’t practicing tonight?” he said, a question in his tone.
Practicing was our code for working on touch. I wanted to reach for him tonight, but my mood was off-kilter. I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t freeze up, and I hated doing that to him.
“Probably shouldn’t,” I admitted as I climbed into my sleeping bag.
“Okay, good night.”
“Night, Shy.”
The darkness pressed in, thick and heavy. I zipped into my sleeping bag but soon felt claustrophobic.
Shiloh’s breath evened out. Banshee wiggled into her spot at the foot of the bed. The house creaked and settled with a sigh. It seemed as if the whole world was going to sleep, and I was just now waking up.
I rolled onto my side, watching Shiloh’s face, so relaxed and calm in sleep that I almost envied him. Had I ever felt so at ease in my own skin?
The urge to touch him rose in me again. I unzipped my bag enough to slip out an arm. Gently, I brushed a lock of his hair back from his face.
My heart pounded as if I were about to steal a priceless artifact from a museum. But with Shiloh sleeping, my touch aversion shifted a little. The touching didn’t come naturally, exactly, but I felt more secure.
Shiloh’s hand was on the pillow beside his face.
I curled my fingers around his, feeling the weight of him for the first time.
Slowly, I slid my fingers between his, conscious of every millimeter where we touched, but also taking a kind of pleasure in it, like the way it felt to push on a bruise.
It was uncomfortable, but also sweetly compelling.
I raised his hand in mine, driven by an impulse to kiss his knuckles.
Shiloh’s eyes opened.
“Holden?” he asked, voice slurred with sleep. “Are you…”
My hand tightened on his, then snapped open to release him. “Sorry. I just needed— But I shouldn’t have…”
“You can touch me,” he said, sliding his hand over the bed but stopping short of making contact. It was an invitation, not a demand. “Touch me anywhere you want.”
“I wish,” I muttered, my cock already stiffening at the thought. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t do it in real life. In my fantasies, I explored Shiloh’s body with the patience of a man who had a desire without limits.
Cautiously, I reached out and enfolded Shiloh’s hand. I half expected to freeze up or jerk away, but once again, it was…okay. I was still hyperaware of the feel of his skin. My pulse was a little fast but manageable.
“Hey, there,” he murmured.
“Hey. Is it okay if we just do this for a while?”
“Yeah. Whatever you want.”
It wasn’t what I really wanted, but it was closer than I’d gotten to anyone who wasn’t having some kind of crisis. I was holding Shiloh because I wanted to, because I wanted to be close to someone, because…he gave me the space to feel safe doing so.
He never pushed me, and he never complained.
I held his hand until my eyelids got too heavy, then relaxed my grip, slipping away silently. But I left my sleeping bag open. Shiloh would never violate a boundary, and something about it was a tiny rebellion against the fears that tried to rule me.
If I couldn’t start letting down more boundaries, we’d never do more than hold hands, and the desire for closeness that burned under my skin wasn’t going away that easily.
I wanted a whole lot more.