Chapter 21 #2
I chuckled. “That’s a given.”
“Then there’s no reason you shouldn’t.”
“But what if…” I trailed off, trying to find the right words. Dr. Levy waited patiently. “What if I can’t ever give him more than this? He deserves better.”
“You deserve better,” she said softly. “But it seems to me that only Shiloh can decide what he deserves.”
“You said before that some patients manage to have sex,” I said tentatively. “But it’s so much contact. I feel like it would take years to get there, so how…”
“Well, biology takes over for some people. Once they hit a certain point, their touch aversion shuts down, and their body acts on instinct. I can’t promise that will happen for you, and I absolutely do not advise forcing yourself beyond your comfort level to find out.
You must respect your limits. As your trust for Shiloh grows, as your body acclimates to that trust, you will know what feels right. ”
I wasn’t entirely happy with Dr. Levy’s answer.
I wanted a blueprint with arrows leading from handholding to sex in a few easy steps.
I didn’t want to follow my body’s timeline.
Based on lived experience, it could take anywhere from a couple of weeks to two decades.
Shiloh was a patient guy, but no one wanted to wait twenty years to get fucked.
And judging by Shiloh’s reactions when I assisted in his finger-fucking, he was a very eager bottom. He was a sensual guy, someone who’d turned to sex work to make extra cash. He wasn’t going to be satisfied with these half measures, was he?
“I can see your wheels grinding,” Dr. Levy said. “Do you have any of those stress balls I gave you?”
I jerked open a drawer, pulled out a ball designed to look like a panda head, and squeezed it repeatedly, working off some excess frustration.
“I hate this,” I said. “I just want to drive the car, and you’re telling me to wait until the engine sounds ready to rev.”
She smiled sympathetically. “I know it’s frustrating, Holden.
I know you want to move faster. But don’t get so impatient that you forget to appreciate how far you’ve come.
You share a bed with Shiloh. You share touch with him.
If you give yourself time, there’s more ahead. This is just the beginning.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a breath. “You’re right. I’ve been holding back, afraid of failure. Afraid it would mean the end, but also afraid I’ll never move forward.”
“Fear can be paralyzing,” she agreed. “Every journey begins with one step and then another. I know it’s a cliché, but try to take it a day at a time. It really does work.”
There was a knock, and I reflexively glanced toward my door, but it was on Dr. Levy’s end. “I’m late for an afternoon session. I must go. Let me give you one quick bit of homework before I go.”
I rolled my eyes.
“If you’d rather not think of it as homework, then think of it as a friendly suggestion.”
“Homework is fine.” I had an achiever personality, after all. “What is it?”
“You’ve worked on trusting Shiloh. Now, it’s time to start trusting yourself. You’ve told me several times what you think Shiloh deserves, what you want to give him. It’s time to start thinking in terms of what Holden deserves. What you should give him.”
I smiled wryly. “You know all my tricks.”
“I do, indeed. Now, I really must run. Take care, and if you want to date Shiloh, you know what to do!”
I closed out the video program with her words replaying through my mind. Maybe it was time to show Shiloh how much he meant to me. That he was so much more than a means to an end. I’d hidden behind my healing journey for why I wanted him to stay, for why we continued to be intimate.
But I wanted more than that. I wanted a future with him—as long as he wanted all the messy baggage that came along with it.
There was only one way to find out. I’d have to ask him on a date.
But where would I even take him? I didn’t know the first thing about dating.
I nudged Banshee to the floor and stood, staggering the first few steps as my numb legs tingled back to life. The dog was heavier than she looked.
When I got to the door, I pulled it open. Axel had come over and was shooting the shit with Gray. Sugar and Loki ran up to greet Banshee, all of them taking turns touching noses and sniffing butts. Taz must be at the junkyard, though, because Gray wasn’t looking jumpy.
“Hey, Gray, can you come into my office for a sec?” I called.
Gray wiped his hands on a greasy rag. “Sure, what’s up? You okay?”
My brothers always walked on eggshells around me after a therapy session. But for once, I didn’t feel like I’d just wallowed in the hot garbage of my trauma.
I was a man with a mission.
“I need some dating advice.”
Axel grinned and rubbed his hands together. “Hell yeah, I’ve been waiting for this day.”
Bailey scowled. “What about me?”
“You’ll have to wait your turn,” I told him.
“That’s not what I—” He broke off as Gray and Axel laughed, turning red with embarrassment and darting a not-so-subtle look toward Flynn, who, for his part, did his best to look as if he hadn’t overheard every word. “Fuck you, guys. I’ve dated.”
“Pretend girlfriends don’t count,” Axel tossed out as he followed Gray to my office.
“Not you either,” I told him.
“What?” His jaw dropped. “But I’ve got tons of experience.”
“In fucking, sure. But this is about dating.”
“I’m dating Dalton,” he exclaimed, offended now.
“More like he’s dating you,” Gray pointed out.
“Maybe I should call Dalton for advice,” I mused. “If he managed to tame Axel, he must have skills.”
Gray nodded seriously. “That would be fair to assume.”
“You think you’re so fucking funny,” Axel said with an eye roll as Bailey snickered.
“I’m just kidding,” I said with a laugh. “Get in here, all of you. I can use all the help I can get.”
My brothers joined me in the office, and I closed the door. Flynn was a nice guy, but I didn’t want to advertise just how inexperienced I really was.
“Okay, let’s get down to business,” Gray said. “How can we help?”
“I want to take Shiloh on a date, but I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, do you want to impress Shiloh, make him hot for you, or just show that you care?” Bailey asked.
“Can’t I do all three?” I replied.
Axel smirked. “I like the way you think. You sure as hell can. All right, so here’s what you should do…”