Chapter 25 #2
This was Jimmie.
“Brick and Curtis are out for blood,” he said, “and I’m scared.
I’ve got nowhere to hide in here if they come for me.
” He swallowed. “But you can stop them. You can go back and give them the cash. I know you’ve got a pension from school.
Cash that shit out, baby, and end this before one of us gets hurt.
Do the right thing for us both, and when I get out of here, we can be together again. ”
I waited for Shiloh to tell him to fuck off. That he had moved on. Something. But he didn’t speak. He just sat there, listening to his ex spew bullshit at him.
“We never should have ended,” Jimmie continued. “We were so good together. Remember that weekend we went to Mexico, and you stripped down in the hot tub? You were always a slut, wanting people to see you, and—”
I exhaled harshly, the words cutting unexpectedly deep, and Shiloh scrambled to grab the mouse. The video paused on-screen.
It wasn’t live, then. It was a recording.
“Am I interrupting?” I managed to ask, my voice stiff.
“No, I—I just don’t want you to hear that.
” Shiloh turned slowly in his chair to face me.
He looked rattled, but why? Because of what Jimmie said, or only because I’d overheard it?
“Holden, that was a long time ago, and I was drunk and horrified by my behavior. Please don’t think that’s who I am, because it’s not. ”
I shook my head, dismissing that immediately. “I know who you are, Shy. That’s not the problem.”
“Then what…”
I pointed. “That asshole. He told you to go home and give them your life savings. That you should get back together. You know that’s all bullshit, right?”
“Oh.” Shiloh clenched the arms of his office chair. “Yeah, he’s afraid. He’s vulnerable in prison, so I guess I understand, but—”
“No.” My voice was too hard, and Shiloh tensed.
I forced myself to take a breath and crouched down to look into his face.
I was angry that his snake of an ex was doing this, but it wasn’t Shiloh’s fault.
“He’s manipulating you. These guys are not your problem.
You warned Jimmie, which is more than you had to do.
Dalton has made the guards aware there could be a threat.
Please don’t let him convince you that you owe him anything. You don’t.”
Shiloh chewed on his bottom lip, looking conflicted. “I just want to be a good person.”
“You are.” I took hold of his right hand, so glad I could offer this small comfort. Wishing I could give him more. That I could hold him close and make him feel safe and loved. “You’re the best person. But I don’t want to see you risk your safety. Please don’t go back there for Jimmie’s sake.”
Shiloh swallowed. Nodded. “Okay. I won’t.”
I leaned in and kissed him softly, heart aching. I wasn’t sure if he was telling me what I wanted to hear or if he’d stick to his words. I hated the idea he’d want to go back to his old life. That maybe I wasn’t enough to keep him here.
What if he wanted Jimmie back? He could give him things I never could.
“That other stuff he said,” Shiloh started. “About Mexico—”
“That’s not for me to know,” I cut in. “I don’t want to know. It’s hard enough, knowing that I’m not giving you what you want or need without hearing everything you had with him.”
“Don’t think that way,” Shiloh said. “You give me everything I need.”
I shook my head, smiling sadly. “We both know that’s a lie.”
“No, Holden. I won’t lie. I might want more sometimes. But I need you, and whatever that means—touching or no touching—is more than enough.”
I wished I could believe that. But I wanted more with Shiloh all the time. My body wouldn’t cooperate, but I craved him.
I wanted to possess him, push inside, and never leave. I wanted him to be mine in every way possible.
How could Shiloh ever walk away from actually having something like that?
A certainty grew in my core. I had to push past this touch aversion. I had to show Shiloh he could have everything with me.
I kissed him again. Harder, this time. Deeper. Shiloh parted his lips, letting me sweep my tongue in.
My heart raced as I considered my next move. I could do this. I could fight my body and take what we both wanted.
What we needed.
My hands trembled as I slid them under Shiloh’s shirt, coasting my palms over smooth, hot skin.
An icy rush hit my veins. My skin broke out in gooseflesh—not the good kind. Nerves all over my body fired as adrenaline poured in. I had the urge to run and hide, but I resisted.
Shiloh broke the kiss. “Holden—”
“Touch me,” I said hurriedly. “I can handle it. I can.”
He didn’t move, eyes wide. I ripped my hand out of his shirt, grabbed his hand, and tugged it toward me.
I was shaking now. My chest hurt, and I realized I was wheezing.
“No!” Shiloh pulled his hand away from me. “Stop, Holden.”
“But I…I can—”
“No,” he said again, eyes filling with tears. “I won’t hurt you like that. Don’t make me, Holden. Please don’t.”
I jerked away, suddenly appalled at what I’d done, and overbalanced. I fell back, the ceiling swinging into view as I hit the floor. My body throbbed, overstimulated, and my heart ached.
Why did I have to be so broken?
Shiloh knelt beside me, careful to keep his distance. “Are you okay? Should I get your brothers? I don’t know what to do!”
I wasn’t in a full-blown panic attack, but I knew I couldn’t look good. My chest was rising and falling too fast. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feel of the carpet beneath me, of the smell of Shiloh’s citrusy shampoo. The sound of my wheezing breaths.
I found five things to anchor me to the here and now and managed to croak out, “Banshee.”
Shiloh got to his feet and ran from the room. A minute later, Banshee’s doggy breath washed over me. She licked my chin, nuzzled in against me, and rested her muzzle on my shoulder, whining softly.
“I’m okay,” I said.
For her benefit. For Shiloh’s.
But it was a lie, wasn’t it? I’d never be okay. No matter how hard I tried, I’d never be over this. I could hold Shiloh’s hand. I could kiss him.
But there would always be this thing between us. Always some barrier I couldn’t cross. Some damage that other men wouldn’t have.
Hell, maybe I should just let him go. Maybe he’d be better off. I could go back to being alone. I knew how to do that.
Anything was better than seeing tears in Shiloh’s eyes and knowing I put them there.