Chapter 26
Shiloh
Holden looked like death warmed over. He kept insisting he was fine, but there was a hollow quality to his voice that scared the shit out of me.
“Are you sure I shouldn’t get Gray?” I asked as he slowly sat up and leaned against the wall with Banshee cuddled up in his lap.
He shook his head, eyes closed. “This isn’t a full-blown panic attack or anything. I just need a minute.”
I’d hate to see an actual panic attack, then. Holden was pale and clammy. He looked as if he might throw up any second.
“What helps? Crackers?”
He gave a sudden, hoarse laugh. “Crackers?”
“Well, I don’t know! You look queasy!”
He chuckled, eyes finally opening to meet mine. “Crackers. I love it. I love you.”
My breath caught. “What? You’re going to say that now?”
“I love you, and you deserve better,” he said, voice thick. “If you want to leave—”
“Don’t be stupid! Of course I don’t want to leave. I love you too. But right now, I’m so mad, I seriously want to—” I stopped short and shook my head.
“It’s okay. I’m an abuse survivor, but you can still threaten to strangle me or kick my ass. Don’t hold back.”
I let out a sad laugh. “Please, no dark humor right now. You really scared me.”
“I’m sorry. I thought if I could just push past it…”
I sat cross-legged in front of him. Holden was getting his color back, and his trembling had ceased as he stroked Banshee’s ears. He looked drained, but okay.
“I know none of this has been easy for you,” I said tentatively. “But we’ve been going slow, and that’s been working. You push when you’re ready. You shouldn’t force it because you’re jealous.”
He smiled wryly. “Not a good look, huh?”
“No. But it’s also really stupid, Holden. You’re worried about that guy?” I waved my hand toward the computer. “He’s in prison. He made me a target. My life is a mess because of him.”
“He almost had you convinced to run home with the promise of getting back together.”
“I don’t want to get back together with him! I just don’t want him to die. Is that so wrong?”
“No, of course not. I don’t blame you,” Holden said. “Even if you did want him—”
“Listen to me for a second, Holden. I know you’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. You’re used to being in charge, being in control. But right now, you need to listen to me.”
His eyes widened a fraction, but he didn’t argue. “I’m listening.”
“I love you. I don’t want him. I don’t want anyone else.”
He looked away, but he couldn’t hide his pain. “I can’t give you what other men can.”
“You give me more.”
He lifted his gaze, wary and hopeful.
“Holden, you respect me, and you care about me, and you love me. You show me in dozens of little ways. And you do all of those things without sex on the table. Do you know how rare it is to find that in a guy?”
“I guess not.”
“Well, it is. It’s really special. So, please don’t ruin it, okay? I like sex, but I love you. If we ever get more intimate, it’ll be amazing, but we have so much already. And the idea of you forcing yourself to touch me, of hurting while you do—”
I broke off, heart wrenching painfully in my chest.
“I’m sorry,” Holden said, reaching out to touch me. He didn’t look ready to be touching anyone, though, and I wasn’t ready for a repeat of his earlier reaction.
I pulled back, avoiding his hand.
He looked shocked. Then crushed. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know,” I said softly. “You wanted to hurt yourself. I’m not okay with that.”
“I didn’t want to hurt anyone,” he argued. “I just…I was afraid of losing you.”
I met his gaze. Tried to convey everything I felt in one look. “Next time, believe me when I say I’m happy with you, with whatever it means to be with you. Whatever we can have together, that’s what I want.”
“I will,” he rasped. “It’s just…it’s hard. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting something easier.”
“Easier isn’t always better, though. In fact, it’s usually not.”
“You’re right.” He nudged Banshee off his lap and stood up. He was a little shaky, but he seemed steady enough.
I rose to my feet too.
“Can you forgive me, Shy?” he asked tentatively. “I really am sorry I went too far.”
I sighed. I was being too hard on him. Holden had struggled with touch aversion for years.
He just wanted what came so easily to other people.
I couldn’t fault him for that. I wished I could fix it for him, that I could be the magic answer that would allow him everything he wanted as soon as he wanted it.
But I was just a guy who loved him. All I could really do was stand by him, even when it was hard. Even when he was sad or frustrated or angry.
Holden didn’t deserve the trauma he’d been dealt, but it was something he’d always carry with him. It was part of him. And if I was going to love him, I had to love all of him.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I said. “Just please, know that if you don’t respect your limits, you won’t only be hurting yourself. You’ll be hurting me too.”
“I’d never do that, not on purpose,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“I know. Me too.” I sighed. “Sorry you heard Jimmie saying all that shit. Sorry that I considered it for a minute. Not the getting back together, but the paying off Brick and Curtis. I just want them out of my life, you know? I don’t want Jimmie to get hurt, even if he’s an asshole.”
“You’re too good for either of us.”
I rolled my eyes. “All right, that’s enough of that. So you’re human and you get jealous and maybe feel a little insecure. We all do. You’re still ten times better than my ex.”
“Thank god for that,” he murmured. Then hesitated. “Can I, um, hold your hand?”
Holden asking me was a change of the script. I considered. “Are you sure you’re ready?”
“I want to be.”
“Well, when you really are, then you can hold my hand again.”
He sighed. “Fair enough.”
There were voices and laughter in the kitchen. Then Bailey called out, “Dinnertime! Get your asses to the table!”
I looked at Holden. It had only been about fifteen minutes since he was flat on his back on the floor. “Are you up to that?”
“Yeah, I just want to get back to normal and forget this ever happened.”
I wasn’t so sure it was wise to forget. Tonight had been a wake-up call of sorts. We needed to tread carefully and respect Holden’s limits.
But he’d been chastised enough already.
“Okay, let’s go eat.”
Holden led the way down the hall and took his usual spot at the dinner table. I sat down beside him.
Bailey brought over a platter of sizzling chicken and shrimp with sauteed bell peppers and onion. Lettuce, pico de gallo, and shredded cheese were in small bowls set out around the table.
“Ooh, fajitas,” Gray said as he pulled out his chair to sit. “Love those.”
Axel was already in his usual spot by the window, and Dalton was at the end of the table. Emory came in a minute later, hair looking damp and freshly washed.
“Looks great,” he said brightly. “Nice job, Bailey.”
Bailey glanced at Holden, as if waiting for him to comment. I was worried he might be too out of it to notice, but Holden was always in big brother mode.
He nodded. “Much better than a garbage plate.”
“Garbage plates are awesome,” Axel protested.
“That’s what I said!” Bailey exclaimed, but with a big grin.
Holden shook his head, lips twitching. “We have to class it up, guys. Not everyone was raised on a slop of hamburger and beans and rice.”
“Take that back,” Axel said. “My man is as trashy as me.” He turned to Dalton. “Right?”
“You know it, darlin’. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t like the gutter.”
Axel punched his arm as everyone laughed. “Not what I meant, you dick.”
“I never said the gutter was bad.”
For the next few minutes, everyone concentrated on assembling fajitas.
The brothers ate cheap, but the fact that they managed to cook and eat together as a family most nights was more than my own had ever accomplished.
Mom used to spend hours in the kitchen, guzzling wine while she roasted a chicken or made a brisket, and then Dad wouldn’t even show up for dinner.
I’d take fajitas—or even garbage plates—over that any day.
Judging by the way Dalton was shoveling down the food, I didn’t think he much cared either.
Emory was the refined one among us. He took dainty little bites and dabbed his face with a napkin.
So funny to think of him as a tattoo artist, of all things.
The artist part was easy to see, but the rest, not so much.
Still, I couldn’t imagine him ever complaining about the food or the company in this house. He was blissfully in love with Gray, and it was easy to see how happy he was.
I glanced over at Holden to see him gazing at me, eyes full of regret. I laid my hand on the table between us, an open invitation for whenever he was ready.
He exhaled softly and brushed his fingers over mine. With one small touch, the world righted itself again.
When he relaxed a fraction at the touch, my heart swelled. He was still comfortable with me. No irreversible damage had been done. I hadn’t even realized how afraid I was that we might have lost that trust and comfort until this very moment.
I looked down at my plate, blinking hard.
“Shy?” he said hesitantly. “You okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Dalton cleared his throat at the other end of the table. “I, uh, actually have some news for you, Shiloh.”
I glanced over at him. “Oh?”
“About Jimmie.”
“Oh.” I shook my head, ready to tell him that I’d gotten a message already, but he went on. “He’s okay. In fact, he’s more than okay.”
“Yeah, I—” I paused. “What do you mean, more than okay?”
“Turns out, he’s running a little racket there in prison. Has half the inmates owing him favors in exchange for cigarettes and drugs. If anyone tried to hurt him, he’d have half a dozen men or more watching his back.”
My chest tightened, and I looked over at Holden. He looked furious all over again.
“See?” I said, voice shaky. “He’s a snake. Always will be. I’m much better off here with you.”
Holden’s fist balled into a fist on the table. “That piece of shit. A shanking would be too good for him.”
“Am I missing something?” Axel asked. “I mean, obviously, he’s a criminal doing what criminals do, but…”
“Yeah, you two look surprised.”
“No, I’m not surprised,” I said. “Not anymore. Jimmie messaged me and tried to get me to pay off those guys. He, uh, implied he was in danger.” I shrugged. “But he’s always been a good liar.”
“I’m so sorry,” Emory said.
I shook my head. “It’s okay. There’s a reason I broke up with him.” I shrugged. “I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about him.”
“He’s not worth it,” Gray said.
“Right, he’s not.” I gazed at Holden. “I’d much rather save my energy for someone who’s worth it.”
“Wish I could kick his ass,” Holden grumbled.
“You can’t even touch people,” Bailey said.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could.” His eyes met mine. “But I’m going to respect my limits and hate him from afar.”
I sighed. “He’s not worth it.”
“Maybe not,” Holden said, “but you are.”
I smiled, heart fluttering. I probably shouldn’t be touched that Holden hated my ex. He’d just gotten so jealous he pushed himself too far. But I couldn’t help but enjoy the way he looked at me, as if I was something precious to be treasured.
Whatever challenges we had as a couple, Holden was worth the effort. More than worth it.
“I was wrong earlier, when I said you were ten times better than my ex.”
He tensed. “You were?”
“You’re one hundred times better.”
A genuine smile bloomed across his face for the first time since he overheard that stupid video message from my ex.
This was the Holden I knew and loved.
The strong, caring, confident man who took care of his family and friends. Who drove six hours to rescue me from a dangerous situation without thinking twice. Who invited me into his room, into his bed, even though that space was sacred to him.
“I love you,” he said quietly.
“I love you too.” I leaned in closer. “And just for the record, now is the perfect time to say it.”
He grinned. “Noted, teacher. I’ll work on my timing.”
“Aw,” Emory said beside us. “They love each other!”
“Duh,” Bailey said. “Anyone could see that.”
Holden huffed a laugh. “You’re such a brat.”
Bailey shrugged. “What? It’s true.”
Everyone at the table shook their heads and laughed.
“I can’t wait until you get bitten by the love bug,” Emory teased.
“I can’t wait to give him shit,” Axel said. “Payback is sweeeeet.”
“Whatever,” Bailey said. “That won’t happen for like a million years. I’m only nineteen.”
“You’ll be twenty soon,” Gray said. “An old man.”
Everyone continued to razz Bailey about his great love affair just around the corner. About his young naivety. But I thought it was kind of sweet.
When the brothers got like this, it was so easy to see how much they loved each other. How tight their bonds were. How, despite everything they’d gone through, they’d created a family as strong—or stronger—than a bio one.
Emory nudged me. “You’re part of the family now,” he said quietly.
I smiled tentatively. I hoped he was right. I wanted to stay with Holden, wanted to bask in his love forever. But first, he had to believe that love would be enough.
I just didn’t know if he was there yet. No matter how hard I loved him, I couldn’t make him believe.
Only he could do that.