Chapter 1 #2
Quinn grabs a bottle of white wine along with three glasses and comes to join me at the island, filling all the glasses with a heavy hand that I’m sure I’ll regret tomorrow.
“Excited about your new job?” Levi asks with a smirk as he finishes the dishes.
“Fuck you,” I glare, flipping him off to really drive the point home, but he just laughs. “I can’t believe this is what Uncle Ronnie thinks is best for me.”
“Best for you?” Quinn asks, and I realize my word choice wasn’t smart seeing as I really haven’t had a chance to tell Quinn, or Levi, about my conversation with my uncle or the way he thinks it’s best to teach me a lesson—and what better way than to throw me in the deep end with yet another thing I don’t know how to do well.
While I understand his point—that it’s time for me to be uncomfortable in life and force me to push myself and learn—I just wish he wasn’t forcing me to do something I’m already aware I’m going to fail at.
“So, uh, yeah. Remember how I told you I talked to Uncle Ronnie a few weeks ago?” I start, nervously picking at the hem of my sweatshirt, but Quinn bats at my hand, a wave of nostalgia at the tiny gesture she hasn’t done to me in years.
I look up at her and smile, her eyes softer than they’ve been in a while when she’s looking at me, and it just makes me feel comfortable. More confident to tell them all about my conversation with our uncle.
Well, most of it.
“After I told him everything, about how I’d lied about my breakup with Levi, that it was really my scheming that forced us together, he was pissed.
Even more so when he learned that it was actually me who cheated, even though I let Levi take the blame for years…
” I tell them, speeding through my words as if they burn, my eyes welling up with tears as I remember the look of pure disappointment mixed with rage from the one man who had always supported me will never get easier.
But I shake the emotion away, not wanting their pity. I deserve this. I made my bed, and it’s time I sleep in it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a tough pill to swallow—the realization that I’ve let down the ones who have always been there for me.
It’s hard with my uncle because even through all the drama with my sister, he’s always been my rock. The only person who has always been there for me, supporting me even when I’ve felt like a failure.
“It’s okay,” Quinn says quietly.
“It’s not, and we both know that. It’s just this…this is hard, and that’s okay. It’s supposed to be hard. I fucked up and caused this mess. I just don’t want to do…this.”
“I don’t mean to sound rude…but why?” Quinn starts, and I look up nervously.
“I’ve never understood why you’re so nervous around kids, like why you don’t like them.
It’s not a problem. I mean, people are entitled to their own opinions.
I guess I just don’t understand why? You seem pretty stressed over this new job when it’s just a kid you get to hang out with. ”
I freeze as previous conversations come back to the front of my mind, tormenting me with reminder after reminder of why I’m bad with kids. Why I’m not fit to be in charge of a kid, especially not as his or her mother.
It hurts.
But it also pisses me off because I don’t want to talk about it. It’s embarrassing enough to have these constant reminders of why I’m not good enough, and I don’t exactly want to lay it all out for Levi and Quinn when I’m trying to make them not see me as a fuck up.
“It just is,” I snap, and I watch as the two of them exchange a quick glance that just pisses me off. “I don’t like kids. I’m not good with them. Simple as that.”
“Ally, I wasn’t trying to—”
I raise my hand and stop her, realizing it’s time to get going before I let my attitude ruin any progress I’ve made today with her and Levi.
“I should get going,” I force out as I stand up, immediately stressing over the realization that I’m about to enter the unknown.
The one thing I’ve told myself I would never do…
work with kids. I don’t have a single maternal bone in my body…
or so I’ve been told. Which is what’s so terrifying about this next step.
What if I fuck this up like I fuck everything else up? Then it doesn’t just impact me…it impacts Cooper and his son, and that feels big.
“Are you sure? We can open another bottle of wine,” Quinn says with a smile, and I can tell she’s trying to divert the conversation to safer territories. I appreciate it because I know she’s doing her best to take some of my stress—but I need to be alone to think.
I’ve also watched the way those two have been looking at each other tonight…and it’s obviously time for me to get going home.
Shaking my head, I smile, standing up from the island and pushing in my chair. “Not tonight. We’ll catch up more at happy hour next week; for now, I just want to survive these first few days.”
“Okay,” Quinn says before coming over to give me a hug.
It’s stiff, but it’s still a hug, and I’ll be damned, I swear my heart grows three sizes just like that.
Not that I’d let anyone know.
“Drive safe, Ally,” Levi says, and I wave as I turn to grab my bag.
“Text me when you get home, Al.”
I shut the door behind me and breathe, collapsing against it.
For once, it’s quiet, and I hate how much that feels like a punishment.