18. Cassian
EIGHTEEN
Cassian
T his was too soon.
Too quick.
I wasn’t divorced yet.
My soon to be ex wife was living with my ex-best friend.Romy had a daughter. Two daughters, really.
So why were there no red flags, no alarms going off in my head?
We were in Beaumaris, a taxi journey there so we could both have a drink, both – or at least I was – high on the sex we’d just had. High on the sex we were going to have more of, I didn’t question that for a second. We clicked together, that was also unquestionable.
I was thirty-seven, not a kid anymore but I still had years in front of me. I wasn’t in any rush to make a home and start a family with someone else after everything with Bryony, which now felt like a dull memory, a blurring of things that weren’t very nice, but I got over.
But I really liked Romy. I liked holding her hand while we walked down the promenade at Beaumaris, the wind blowing her hair all over, and her smile as she was completely unbothered by it, not caring that it wasn’t perfect. Bryony had liked to be pristine at all times, which hadn’t bothered me, I just knew she would also make me fifteen minutes late so I always gave her a time half an hour early. It’d worked until it didn’t.
It wasn’t Bryony I was thinking of now, other than wondering if I’d ever felt this way about her when we first started dating. I felt like every lucky star had congregated together and hung over me when she held my hand and laughed at a stupid joke, and I knew I couldn’t stop glancing at her.
I didn’t understand why I hadn’t just said yes a week or so ago, because I’d wanted to.
Maybe it was fear.
“Did Joel spend a lot of time out on the boats?” We were standing at the end of Beaumaris pier, looking out across the Menai Strait. It was a calm night, apart from the usual coastal breeze, and the view across the water was clear.
She looked at me, bemused. “He did. He grew up here and I think he spent his summers dicking around on boats and in the water. He knew the tide here and weather system. I’ll make sure Heidi knows about the same things, although I’m not sure how interested she’ll be.”
“Did you go out on the boats with him?”
She nodded. “I still go out with Thane and Fleur when I’ve time. What happened to Joel hasn’t scarred me in that regard. It was a freak accident and a risk you take when you go out here in stormy weather.” She turned around, looking at me rather than the sea. “I had three years of never wanting to go through that pain again. Some days I wished I’ve never met him then I wouldn’t have had to go through that heartbreak.”
“You’d put yourself through being in love again though? Even though it can hurt?” The words felt raw as I said them.
She smiled, looking back out to sea. “I would. It was worth it – it has been worth it. Plus I can’t change it so I have to keep working on accepting it. We lost a baby before I got pregnant with Heidi. It would’ve been a boy and I think I cried so much Joel walked out for an hour; he had no idea how to help me. For months after I was totally against getting pregnant because the miscarriage had been so awful – grieving for someone that didn’t have a name, although I did give him one.”
“What was it?” I stroked her hair out of her face, my other hand on her waist.
“Oliver.” Her smile was tearless. “That was how I thought of him. Joel couldn’t understand it. I think he found it easier to deal with if he didn’t think what could’ve been and that was okay. We both grieved differently. It took me a year. I woke up one morning and something felt like it’d been lifted and that it was time to try again, and we got Heidi, and she was perfect. She’s not always perfect now – I found a huge stash of chocolate in her room before that she’s been secretly pilfering out of my drawer, just a little bit at a time. I thought I was eating a lot of it.” She shook her head. “I left the chocolate there, just stole some back.” A smile, one that beamed. “Heidi shows you have to go again and risk being vulnerable. We might get hurt, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be okay in the end in some very strange way.”
I moved behind her as she turned to the sea, slipping my arms around her, her back leaning against my chest.
I kissed the side of her neck, resting my chin lightly on her shoulder. “I’m glad I moved to Puffin Bay when I did.”
“You haven’t done a winter there yet. It’s wild.” She turned her head for a kiss.
“I don’t think the weather’s going to put me off.”
“You haven’t seen Heidi on a windy day. That’s another force of nature.” There was mirth in her tone.
“I’m fully aware of the effect of the wind on kids. And full moons. We should head to the restaurant so we’re not late.” I didn’t let go of her, my head still frazzled about what I was feeling and why so soon.
“Okay. Sooner we eat, sooner we can go back home.”
We didn’t stay the night at her house, mainly at Roe’s request as he wanted to put someone in there for the night, so we returned to Beryl’s instead, which was a bit like bringing a girl back to your mum’s house.
The awkwardness meant we ended up in bed sooner, or maybe it would’ve been just as quick whatever house we’d been in. This time it was slower than before; there was no restaurant reservation to be ready for, or the fear of having to abruptly stop because Heidi or Mia was awake. There wasn’t a need for a pause button or for a line to be drawn because we had the night, hopefully more.
Was I in love with her already? I knew the answer to that. Did I think it was possible? No.
We poured a glass of wine in Beryl’s kitchen, splattering merlot beads over a formica worktop, maybe staining it.
“Shall we take these upstairs? I’m not sure I can live with the décor.” Romy regarded the wallpaper in the kitchen, and odd, brash pattern that actually looked newly done.
“I’m good with anything in bed.” I pushed a grin, but it was forced. Joviality was an excellent mask, only one I rarely needed.
She shook her head, laughing at me.
“It’s a good thing you’re cute.”
“Cute?” I took hold of her wrists. “I’d prefer handsome, or gorgeous.”
“Cute,” she said, switching the grip so she had hold of my forearms. “Fairly intelligent and sometimes quick.”
“Brutal. Sounds like a review on j udge your headteacher dot com .” It probably wasn’t that far off.
Her smirk was irritating. I really liked it.
“I wouldn’t read your reviews. Far too smiley, one said when I checked.”
“Really?” I teased her lips with mine. “How did they say I kissed?”
“No comments on that so far. Have you been kissing many parents recently? Maybe they’re waiting for an average score.” She twisted, out of my grasp which wasn’t hard and picked up her wine.
“What would your score be?” Because that was all that mattered.
“I’m waiting for more performances so I can work out an average score.” Her eyes glinted.
I leaned back against the formica. “How many more performances?”
“I’ll let you know when I’ve decided.” She twirled around and headed out of the kitchen.
I paused there, listening as she walked upstairs towards the main bedroom where I was camped out. The layout was the same as her cottage next door, and I figured she’d have been in Beryl’s house before. I sipped my wine, wrapped in the space where I was right now, with her, with the whole Cara situation, with all the changes that had created a tornado that’d landed me here.
In love?
Was that what this was? Or was it lust? How separate did the two have to be?
I followed her upstairs five minutes later, finding her wrapped in the duvet with a newly bought cover over it, looking like she was asleep.
I hadn’t slept with another woman since Bryony, as in shared sleep. I had slept with other women since I’d found Bryony with Jason, a couple of one-night stands that had proven something for my ego. They hadn’t been the same as this.
My cock was already hard, anticipation buzzing. The smile on Romy’s face told me she wasn’t asleep.
I pulled off the shirt I’d been wearing, undoing my belt. Then I sat on the bed, my back to her and waited.
It took less time than it did Heidi to move when she thought there was extra dessert at lunch for Romy to stir. I stayed still, the air around us frozen.
I heard her sigh.
I stayed static, where she could see at least. I was grinning hard, knowing she was getting impatient.
“I’m awake, you know. You were ages downstairs.” Her hand pressed on my lower back.
I turned around, seeing her lying on her back, looking like she was naked under the duvet, the top of it pulled round to just the top of her breasts, her hair spread over the pillows.
“Thought I’d make you wait so you had time to work out how many times I needed to kiss you before you had an average score.”
“I think only experience will tell.” Loaded words, every one of them.
“Can I have an attempt now?” I leaned towards her, my trousers and underwear shucked to the floor.
“Let’s try one and see how it goes.”
I kissed her slowly, maybe too slowly given how her hand clawed my back, her nails lightly dragging along my skin, marking territory I didn’t know existed. The duvet moved downwards, her tits becoming exposed, her nipples hard but I left them alone, knowing that wasn’t what she wanted, her body pushing up towards mine.
I finally ended the kiss, pushing myself upwards and further away. “What’s your rating for that?”
“Fairly high, but I need to see what the follow through is.”
I kissed her again, leaving her lips to trail down her neck to her chest and then her breasts, taking time I hadn’t been allowed before to taste and touch and tease, learning her reactions, what was good, what made her giggle or laugh or grasp me harder.
She was soaked between her legs when I arrived there, the duvet a mess on the carpet at the bottom of the bed. It was a warm night, hotter now. I tasted her, my aim to torment as much as my will power would allow.
It didn’t take that long.
Need took over, pushing teasing out of the way, and I arched over her, her hands moving everywhere, her legs wrapping over mine, pulling me closer.
“I need a condom.” I didn’t want one, but until she told me otherwise.
“Fuck. I’m not on the Pill.”
We were both frozen, looking at each other.
“Bedside table to the right, top drawer. New box. It’ll only take half a minute.” I gritted my teeth as I said the words, too tempted and almost not caring about the possible consequences.
“You were prepared.” She grabbed hold of the box, unwrapping the plastic while my mouth found her tits. “Cas, hang on.”
The foil tore. Her hands worked the condom on my dick, slowly and painfully, a sensible choice.
Then I was inside her, feeling her tightness, her warmth, hearing the moans she made as I filled her, as she came and then I followed, the rest of the world no longer mattering.
I woke with Romy wrapped around me, the soft light casting shadows across an unfamiliar room. We were both naked, the sheets wrapped around us, messily bunched at our feet, and she was still sleeping.
It felt like forever since I’d woken up with a woman I felt this way about. I’d been in love with Bryony, madly at one point, but like many relationships, it’d petered out to the extent that she’d looked elsewhere.
I didn’t remember feeling like this though, as if this was my whole world encapsulated in one space. There was a peace to it, which I hadn’t had before. I felt at ease, although I’d feel even more at ease when Mia’s situation had been sorted out.
Romy eventually stirred which led to lazy morning sex, the sort that leaves you smugly satisfied and not ready to move into reality, but reality was what was biting.
“Deryn’s dropping the girls off at lunch, and I said I’d speak with Roe before they got back.” She sat up, the top of the sheet covering her tits so I pulled it down, a complete teenage boy move. “You’re incorrigible.”
“It’s not my fault. You have great tits.” She really did. I think I’d already shown her how much I liked them, but I was happy to show her again.
Her laugh was half embarrassed and half her thinking I was an idiot, which was probably true. “We need to get up. I need to shower so I don’t reek of sex and I need to speak to Roe.” She sighed, making no effort to get out of bed. “I just want a resolution so we can get back to a routine and feel safe. I’ve spent the week looking over my shoulder and it’s not nice.”
“The police seem to be getting to the bottom of things. It doesn’t feel like it’s dragging, they seem to be getting more information all the time, and they won’t be sharing everything they know with us.” I’d been impressed with how they’d quickly managed to get intel and linked up with other forces, which could always make things difficult.
She lay back down in bed, making a small effort to cover herself. “Have you had a situation like this before?”
I nodded. “Once. It was just last year. A parent was wanted for questioning around a murder. They took off and left their kids. The kids were at risk potentially from the parent, but also from repercussions from the murder. It was a difficult time, but it gave me some idea of what we needed to have in place last week and this week for Mia.”
“And Heidi. She’s at risk as well.” Romy turned on her side towards me, her hand going on my chest. “I feel bad for that. Scared shitless too. But I still wouldn’t have done anything differently. I couldn’t have handed Mia over to a foster carer who she doesn’t know. I still couldn’t, so I guess I’ve made the decision that I go from one kid to two overnight.”
“I guess you have. What are you going to do today when Deryn drops them off?” I wanted to know if she was involving me in those plans.
“We’re going to have a quiet day at home, I think. In the garden, reading, making friendship bracelets and daisy chains because the lawn’s exploded. I might get a table outside for painting and then they can make as much mess as they want.” She leaned closer to me, draping half her body over mine. I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her closer.
“Want company? I was only going to go and watch the cricket this afternoon.” Was this too much? “I get it if you don’t want a spare part though so don’t feel you have to say yes.”
She leaned her arm on my chest and lifted her head up. “You’re not a spare part but I would’ve thought you’d have had enough of kids given you’re with them all week.”
“I don’t mind kids.” I threaded my hand through her hair.
“Okay. How about we meet you at the cricket. I haven’t watched the team for ages, and if I remember right, there’s a pitch next to it where the kids can run around. I’m all for them burning off energy.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
The weekend was idyllic when looking back. Puffin Bay won their cricket game against a team from the mainland. The girls settled back at home, planning on how they wanted their bedrooms decorated, and Roe was happy that security at Romy’s was akin to that in a prison. There were no more updates about Cara or Stan or Blake, and the sunny weather continued.
By Monday morning, I felt like I’d fallen into a bubble where everything was on exactly the right track. The first visit from our school improvement partner, who helped to assess what plans the school needed to carry on being effective, went well and it wasn’t until the afternoon that there was the slightest inclination that the bubble was about to burst.
It wasn’t unusual for a child to come to my office because they were doing a job, or the teacher wanted them to get me so they could show me some of the work the class was doing or they needed support, so I didn’t think much of it when Mia knocked on my door just before home time.
She looked pale and scared, something wasn’t right with how she was behaving from the moment she walked into my office.
“Mr Caddick, I think my mummy’s in the field.” She sat down at the table. “And I don’t know what to do.”
I felt every muscle tense and the overwhelming urge to call Liv, whose number I’d put on speed dial.
I stayed still though, maintaining head teacher mode. “Why do you think she’s in the field?”
“Because William Lawler told me.”
Will Lawler was a child in year six. I knew for a fact that he walked across the field to get to school every day, and usually spent the hour after school climbing trees at the back of it and making campfires, which was probably going to get him into trouble one day. He was old enough to get himself to and from school, which he’s apparently been old enough for since he was in year three.
“What exactly did he tell you? Can you remember?”
Mia nodded. “He told me to go out of school through the other door when no one’s looking and run across the field and my mummy would meet me there.”
“Thank you for telling me, Mia. Does Will know who your mummy is?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. But I’m not going to run across the fields. Romy is taking us swimming again tonight.”
My heart broke for her because that told me a lot.
“I’m going to ask Miss Poppy to come and sit with you in here. We’ll tell her what Will’s said too.”
“Am I in trouble?”
I shook my head. “Not at all. You’ve been very brave and done the right thing.” I paused, listening to my gut feeling. “Did Will say if anyone else was in the fields or was it just your mum?”
“He said there was a big man too.”
“Was it this morning?”
She nodded. “He came in my class and whispered to me before assembly. He was fruit monitor.”
Which Will never wanted to do. I wondered if Cara – if it was Cara – had slipped him some money to pass on the message.
“Okay. I might see if Will can come and tell us anything else he remembers. Let me radio Miss Poppy.” I switched my radio – we used them to contact staff across the school site and buildings – to her frequency which we’d set up separately. She didn’t pick up. I tried a couple more times, feeling increasingly worried that something wasn’t quite right. Then I radioed Mia’s teacher, who did answer.
“Is Poppy there?”
“She went out of class about half an hour ago. I haven’t seen her since. I thought she’d gone with Mia. Is everything okay?”
Mia’s teacher was calm, rarely panicked, and was inherently well-prepared. If I could’ve cloned her as a teacher I would’ve, only that would’ve made life quite boring. “Mia’s with me. She’s said that Will Lawler saw her mum in the fields this morning. Do you think you could find him? I could do with checking what he saw.”
“I would, but I know for certain he was picked up early for the dentist. Mia said she had something to tell Miss Poppy earlier actually and then she asked to go to the bathroom, so she must’ve slipped off to see you.”
“Okay. Mia’s with me now, so I’ll stay with her. Can you ask Romy to call Liv when she gets to the gates.”
It was as I ended the conversation, the external door to my office was pushed open and a woman with a knife made her way in.
That hadn’t been on my plan for Monday.