Chapter 57
The relief Nick felt when he’d seen Thea trudging up the road had rapidly given way to a mixture of exasperation.
He was frustrated with himself, for not communicating well enough with her earlier in the evening and cross with Thea, for being so damned stubborn.
And the nerves were rising because he had the very distinct impression that if he cocked this next couple of minutes up, that really would be the end of whatever they’d started.
‘Thea,’ he began. ‘I want you to know something. Something I should have told you a long time ago. Something I should have told you after the Midwinter’s Eve Ball.
Something, if I’m being totally honest, I should have told you more than once since we started seeing each other.
’ His hands started to tremble, and since he’d given Thea his jacket, he had nowhere to put them, so he willed them to stop.
‘What’s that, then?’ Thea’s voice, gentle but with an undercurrent of her own nerves, prompted.
‘Whatever happens next, whatever you decide about us, I want you to know that I love you.’ He shook his head, willing himself to stay put, even though every instinct he had was urging him to fling open the door of the Land Rover and run away.
‘I’ve loved you for a long time. Getting to know you better this Christmas made me realise that I can’t just walk away from what I feel about you.
You’re important to me, Thea, and I want to be there for you, to be in your life, if that’s what you want, too.
If it isn’t, then I can live with that. But if there’s any chance that you feel the same, then I promise you that I will try my best to make you and Cora and Dylan happy. ’
Thea was just staring at him, as if she couldn’t work out how best to let him down and allow him to keep his dignity.
Despite the cold, the flames of embarrassment that he’d managed to damp down while he’d been talking were now licking up his neck, his face, making the sweat on his brow feel like a cascade, and it was no good pretending that his hands weren’t shaking, as well as pretty much the rest of him, too.
Everything they’d done this December, every smile, every laugh, every kiss, every moment together, seemed to have propelled them to this point, and now he felt as though he couldn’t proceed into the new year without knowing exactly where he stood.
‘I’m sorry,’ he stammered. ‘I’ve no right to put you on the spot like this. Forget I said anything. I’ll take you home.’ Feeling the hot lava of mortification beginning to run down his spine, he went to turn the ignition key.
‘Just shush a minute, will you?’ Her hand had covered his and he paused, the engine remaining still. ‘Honestly, Nick, you’re as big an idiot as I am, sometimes.’
Nick shook his head. ‘Have I messed up again?’
Thea’s smile, tentative at first, broadened. ‘I said shush. It’s my turn.’
Shaking his head, he put his hand in his lap. ‘That depends,’ he said quietly. ‘Am I going to want to hear it?’
‘Why don’t you just wait and see?’
Fight was out of the question. Flight seemed impossible while the snow kept falling, so the only thing left for Nick to do was freeze. Barely managing to breathe, he waited.