Chapter 4
THE ORDER
ZEKE
As the post commander, General Leggett had the authority to control my schedule as he saw fit.
From the moment you sign your name on that enlistment contract, the U.S.
government owns you. They tell you where to eat, sleep, and shit as well as everything you’re required to do in between.
Many people thought having Leggett as my mentor gave me special privileges that other soldiers could only dream of.
They were wrong.
Leggett dictated every aspect of my career, right down to the position I accepted in the recruiter’s office, the command I served under, and which barracks I lived in.
When I graduated from training school after basic, it was no surprise that my orders sent me to Hunter Army Airfield in Georgia, where General Leggett had recently been appointed post commander.
Nor did I question the strings he undoubtedly pulled to get me into Army Ranger school far earlier than any other candidate.
A fast track in rank followed, which he viewed as a direct reflection of the wisdom he had instilled in me, not the blood, sweat, and tears I put my body through to achieve such a thing.
In all three years of service, I had been required to report to his office every Friday morning. Four day weekends like this one didn’t matter. At eight a.m. on the dot I walked into his office. I was never late. I knew better than to risk it.
After a gruff “Come in!” followed my knock at the door, I entered his office. He sat behind a desk covered in papers and maps and did not so much as glance in my direction. I took a few steps away from the door and waited. Patience was the first test.
“Explain to me why I vouched for you to become a squad leader if you cannot even get your soldiers to morning formation on time,” Leggett barked without looking up. He notated something on the map in front of him before pulling another stack of papers in front.
Leggett always liked it better when I let him get the anger out of his system, then answered. He didn’t actually want me to speak yet.
“If you act weak, your men will walk all over you. Is that what you want? To be weak?” He finally looked up, a sneer darkening his face. Ruthless black eyes stared coldly at me.
I remained as still as a statue, keeping my focus just above his right ear. My hands remained firmly clasped behind my back, which was the only reason he couldn’t see the way they clenched at his insult.
An Army Ranger was never weak. My body had been broken to the limit and beyond, and I never once showed an ounce of weakness.
“You disappoint me,” Leggett continued. “I’ve given you everything, and yet you have no ambition! No drive! How do you plan on making this a career if your soldiers don’t respect you, hmm?”
It took all my willpower not to clench my jaw. He wanted me to break down. That was why he said things that would rattle me. I just had to maintain my composure.
“So much potential. So much promise. And for what? For you to settle in as nothing more than a sergeant and a piss poor one at that?” The general leaned back in his chair to assess me. “Speak, soldier!”
That was the magic signal. “I have already addressed the issue. My men won’t be late again.” My voice sounded like flint, bitter and harsh, in the echo of the room.
My mentor nodded. “And what are your plans this weekend?”
“Preparing, sir,” I replied instantly. It was the only answer he would ever accept. To be a good soldier meant you had to be in a constant state of preparation, for war or catastrophe. We lived on the brink of disaster at all times, according to Leggett.
Leggett nodded again. “As you should. I received word that there may be some illegal drugs working their way on post through the locals. I need your eyes and ears everywhere to help me get to the bottom of it.”
“Yes, sir.” For some reason, I added, “There’s a party at a local woman’s house tomorrow night. I overheard some of the soldiers talking about it at the range yesterday.”
Leggett stood up to put the map from his desk onto a cork board on the wall to his right.
Aerial shots and scaled drawings littered the board.
“Then I expect you to go, too. See what you can find. I’ll not have my base or my reputation ruined.
” He sat back down, dragging the next stack of papers in front of him. “That will be all, Hayes.”
Air filled my lungs when Leggett’s office door clicked shut behind me.
No matter how many times we had the same meeting with the same discussions, anxiety sent my heart rate sky high.
Leggett wasn’t the kind of man to exchange pleasantries or engage in any topic unrelated to Army business.
He had been that way for as long as I could remember.
I had to take several deep breaths before my regular heart rate resumed.
Internally, I berated myself for bringing up the party.
As much as I wanted the soldiers from yesterday to stay safe and spare everyone headaches, I didn’t want to rain on their parade.
And I definitely didn’t want to go to a party.
I went to one once on my first weekend off after I completed AIT, or Advanced Individual Training, as the Army called it.
Everyone in my barracks planned to go and after being sequestered in drills and training labs for so long; they all wanted to blow off some steam.
One of the guys hammered on my door until I answered.
He insisted on dragging me along for the ride, then promptly abandoned me when he met a girl he wanted to talk to instead.
I spent the majority of the night sitting in a chair by myself with only the homeowner’s cat for company.
Finally, one of the guys noticed that I sat off in a corner, alone, and sent a girl over. She had already drunk too much and slurred her words. Davies, the soldier who brought me, laughed as he clapped me on the shoulder.
“She’s a sure thing!” he insisted in my ear.
The lighting was far too dim for me to see much of the girl’s face.
Stringy blonde hair trailed down her back as she came to straddle me in the recliner.
My back went ramrod straight. I had never been so physically close to a woman like that and found it jarring.
She danced on my lap, one arm holding a red Solo cup filled with cheap beer while the other arm rested on the head of the recliner for balance.
“Don’t you like what you see?” the girl had yelled over the music, shoving her large tits in my face.
My skin felt hot despite the fact that my palms were slick with sweat. Tension rippled up my spine as my back arched straighter. I wanted nothing more than to put some space between us. I didn’t want her touching me. All of it was wrong—the music too loud and her movements too jerky.
“Come on, big boy,” she had whisper shouted. “I’m gonna show you a great time!”
The girl proceeded to dismount, only to grab my hand and yank me upward. All of the guys shouted and wolf whistled as she led me from the room. But it sounded like it came from the bottom of a well because my ears roared too loudly for me to hear properly.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew about sex, and I definitely heard and saw enough raunchy, stolen hookups during boot camp. It simply never looked or sounded appealing to me. I couldn’t imagine letting someone’s skin touch mine. That kind of intimacy made me want to throw up.
But all the guys from my barracks watched us go down the hallway to the girl’s room.
They expected us to hook up, and wasn’t I supposed to fit in?
Would that make me one of them like all the brochures from the recruiter promised?
I might wear the uniform, but I didn’t feel like a soldier any more than I felt like a racecar driver.
Even now, three years after the fact, I still cringed when I remembered the way her rough skin slid across mine.
The girl had been far too drunk to care about the lack of enthusiasm in my performance.
I let her take the lead the whole time, laying down stiffly while she rode my cock, somewhat shocked when it actually worked the way it was supposed to.
Leggett caught me masturbating in the bathroom one time and damn near beat the shit out of me. “Soldiers never chase pleasure!” he had screamed. “They chase honor!”
I had been too afraid to touch myself again after that.
Everything about sex stood out as wrong to me. While I technically got off, there was no enjoyment in it. There were no feelings involved. Rather, it made me recognize my own emptiness far more than I had before I went to the party.
The whole thing concerned me so much that the following weekend I had gone by myself to a club in Savannah, the closest major city to Hunter Army Airfield.
It didn’t take long for me to find a man who winked at me after wickedly perusing my body.
I went back to his house afterwards and tried again, thinking sex with a man might crack through the emptiness and let some light in.
But there was nothing. He rolled over and went straight to sleep, and I drove myself back to the barracks without even asking him his name. It was totally meaningless.
That was why the prospect of attending another party didn’t sit well.
Usually I spent the weekends in my room, reading.
There was an excellent post library not far from my room.
I typically stopped there on Thursday or Friday night, depending on when the weekend started, and checked out 15 to 20 books.
They kept me company until Monday morning.
Just thinking about being packed in with all the dancing bodies and loud music made me want to vomit.
And I would need to visit the mall because other than my uniforms and an array of workout clothing, I had nothing appropriate to wear to a party in town.
Now that Leggett ordered me to go, however, he would no doubt send someone to my room to check.
Resigning myself, I climbed into my truck and headed towards Savannah.