13. Zurmani
That Sunday
"Father, in the name of Jesus, I come thanking you for another day. Forgive me for the times when I let the things I face on a daily basis become greater than my service to you. I feel like a hypocrite for preparing myself for church when my life doesn't line up with?—
There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If I haven't condemned you, then why are you condemning yourself? I'm able to make all things new.
The still, small voice echoes in my mind, cutting off my words and causing instant tears to fall, mixing with the water cascading over my body. I got up this morning feeling heaviness in my limbs and my mind from the thoughts of entering God's tabernacle. For some reason, the feelings of unworthiness are resting heavily on me despite going to church with Zion not long ago. This Sunday feels drastically different from that Sunday, and I can't put my finger on why.
Yet, here's the good news: In all these things, we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
Cupping my face, I cry harder when the familiar scripture penetrates my mind, again cutting off my ability to question or analyze my decision. Oddly, my tears feel like the balm in Gilead that Karen Clark Sheard sings about. When my tears trail off minutes later, I grab my loofah, add body wash, and clean myself. Unsure of the time, I don't delay the process anymore, allowing me to exit the shower within ten minutes. Stepping to my sink, I stare at myself in the mirror before smiling weakly.
"This is the day the Lord has made. You will rejoice and be glad in it," I coach myself.
Thankfully, I've determined what I'm wearing today, so I leave the bathroom to moisturize my skin before getting dressed.
Brrng. Brrng.
My forehead wrinkles when my phone rings because I'm hoping it's not Zion inviting me to attend church with him again. Ordinarily, it wouldn't be a problem, but I'm already going with Jawaan, and I don't want to have an awkward conversation after the botched dinner with his friend. So many things have been happening that I haven't been able to tell Zion about why his friend will never get the privilege of sharing a table with me again.
I pick up my phone and smile when I see Jawaan's name flashing on my screen.
"Good morning," I greet happily.
"Good morning to you. How are you?"
Warmth spreads through my body like a tight embrace upon hearing Jawaan's husky cords piercing my ear. My mouth floods with moisture and a fluttering in my stomach has me unconsciously drawing circles when an image of Jawaan appears in my mind.
"I'm good. I just got out of the shower and was about to get dressed," I answer in a breathy tone.
Jawaan has me shoving my comfort zone out of the way to be with him because a man willing to dedicate his time to another person is sexy, not to mention I love to see him in protective mode with Jalil.
I'm so happy that Little Man finally has a name. Whew, having the ability to have a hand in naming him has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.
"I'm good. Are you ready for worship?" I ask, smiling.
"Yeah. It's honestly long overdue. My life has been desperate for this occurrence. Speaking of worship, can you come here? I want us to ride together, and you'll also be closer for dinner because Kyce lives a couple of doors down."
Wait, what?
"Really? You and your brother are neighbors."
"Yep. Kayshon also lives on the street, but on the other side of Kyce and me. We've never wanted to be too far from each other."
"Oh wow. No wonder they were giving you a hard time my first over there. Hm. My brother and I are close, but I don't need him in my business like that, nor do I want to double my groceries because I know he would be over here daily looking for food."
"I get it but our dynamics have always made us lean on each other for whatever."
Jawaan's tone wrinkles my brows from the change in his tone and the hidden message within his words.
"Hm. We'll pin that for another day. I'll be there once I'm dressed."
"Bet. I'll see you soon. Drive safe, Tigress."
I don't know why this man keeps insisting on calling me Tigress, but it's starting to grow on me.
?
Lord, You are good
You've been so good
?
Reason number I don't know, why Jawaan is my man... he can sing. My goodness hearing Jawaan sing as if he's the person who recorded this track has me shamefully clenching my thighs. We've just turned onto the street where the church is located, which has me breathing a sigh of relief because my torment is nearly over. I have spent the entire ride in a state of torment that has me feeling like I need to lie prostrate on the altar while begging God for forgiveness. Arriving at Jawaan's house was uneventful, but I dang near swallowed my tongue when he stepped out the front door.
Jawaan was an attractive man from the face up but seeing him wearing a suit that appeared to be made especially for him was a sight to behold. I have been doing a great job of keeping myself from traveling down the road of sexual thoughts while dealing with Jawaan. However, today might have shattered my spotless record because my mind instantly went down the drain when my eyes raked over Jawaan's body. My man ain't wearing a seersucker suit, that's for sure. In fact, the wine color of Jawaan's suit has my mouth watering for something to quench my thirst.
"Pursuing His Glory Ministries...wow," Jawaan recites, chuckling after reading the church sign before pulling into the parking lot.
"Let me in on the joke."
"This is the church my sisters and brothers belong to. They have been trying to get me here for a minute now. Thankfully, they attend the early service, so it's unlikely that we'll see any of them."
"Oh wow. It seems like God set us up, huh? I also don't belong to the church, but I am considering it now that I need to plant my feet somewhere."
"You have no idea how true your words are." Putting the car in park, Jawaan exits before I have a chance to question his statement.
Unbuckling my seat belt, I grab my purse when Jawaan opens my door, waiting for me to exit the car.
"I think God isn't gonna be the only one smiling when we enter the church. You look beautiful, Tigress."
My cheeks heat from the compliment, and I look down at my outfit before a small smile upturns my lips. The black dress molds to my body without being inappropriate or classless. I paired it with black booties, a green necklace and earrings, and a matching green purse, not to mention the green church coat covering my body that I'd left open. Despite Jawaan and I not color coordinating, a bright smile displays on my lips when he connects our hands.
"Thank you," I express before we head toward the front entrance.
My steps falter when I see Zion's heavy gaze on me and Jawaan, causing me to swallow the lump entering the back of my throat.
"Do you know him?" Jawaan asks so only I can hear.
"Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise this morning? Why are you looking like you did that time when Ma made you eat black-eyed peas? Come hug me, Nae Boogie," Zion says before I can respond to Jawaan, causing me to release the hand holding mine.
An uneasy smile slips into place when I walk into Zion's waiting arms, and my pulse thumps wildly when he tightens our embrace.
"Nae Boogie's got some explaining to do," Zion whispers in a light tone that settles the tension in my back.
"Later, but first, let me introduce you. Don't embarrass me," I whisper, breaking our connection before turning toward Zion. "This is my big brother, Zion. Zion, this is my man, Jawaan."
"Nice to meet you, man," Jawaan says, extending his hand toward Zion, who smiles before shaking Jawaan's hand.
"Likewise, I didn't know she was dating, so hopefully, we get a chance to converse," Zion says, looking at me.
"Count on it, man," Jawaan replies.
The sound of music playing prevents further conversation, and the three of us climb the steps to walk into the church.
"Hopefully, his attitude doesn't change when he finds out I made you a baby mama," Jawaan comments, smirking when Zion enters the sanctuary and heads toward the area he sat in before.
"It's gonna be an interesting story since he's aware of my situation and has seen me recently."
"Saints, Luke 13:10-17 is a reminder that God can restore you no matter how long you've been suffering. This morning, God says He can heal and restore you regardless of bondage, sickness, or struggle. God loves and cares about you no matter how far you've slipped away from Him. In Him there is no failure, there is no fear of rejection, there is no pain too great that he can't comfort you," Pastor Reese says, and movement to my right causes me to look at Jawaan, whose eyes are attentively watching the front.
"In Ecclesiastes 3:11, we are reminded that God is still in control even if we don't understand what he's doing. All you have to do is trust that God can and God will. So, this morning, I want to make a declaration to three groups of people. The first is to those who don't know God in the pardon of your sins. The second is for those who don't have a church home and need to be connected to a place where you can grow, thrive, and be nurtured in your walk with God. The final group is for the people who need specific prayer. You might be saying, Pastor, I don't know which category I fall into, or Pastor, I fit into several categories. My response is that the altar is open for you, too. Come one, come all, the altar is open for you," Pastor Reese says.
My breath hitches when I see Zion stand and move out of his row into the center aisle before making his trek to the front. Movement to my right snatches my attention to see Jawaan stand before grabbing my hand.
"Wh-what are you doing?" I mumble, faltering over my words, and my chest pinches when I see Jawaan's misty eyes.
"I'm going for prayer, but I need you to come with me. I have some things I need God to deal with me about, but you and I are about to embark on a journey that we need Him in the middle of," Jawaan lowly says.
My mind swirls, and the melody coming from the organ feels like it's bouncing off my chest when Jawaan and I enter the aisle. My eyes bounce around the room with each step toward the altar before landing on Zion's back. Tears glisten in my eyes, seeing Zion with his hands raised in praise while one of the ministers prays with him. Just before we reach the front, Pastor Reese's penetrating gaze lands on Jawaan and me, causing my blood pressure to elevate from the intensity of his observation.
"Ah, I've been waiting for you two," Pastor Reese declares.
My mouth opens before closing when Jawaan and I are ushered in front of Pastor Reese himself instead of one of the available ministers at the altar.
"Think it not strange that you two are here today. God showed me the two of you during my prayer time this morning. I found it odd because I have never met either of you. Yet, I never question God when he places me in the position of interceding for his children," Pastor Reese voices, causing me to lightly squeeze Jawaan's hand.
"God told me to tell you that your due season is here. He also told me to tell you to let yourself off the hook. It wasn't your fault, and you aren't to blame. He's saying that he's removing the stain and the pain," Pastor Reese says to Jawaan and my eyes bulge at seeing Jawaan break down.
Jawaan's knees buckle, and I struggle to keep him from falling, causing two of the men standing near us to jump into action by helping me to keep him upright.
"Today, God is going into the hidden places in the chambers of your heart and plucking out the roots of those things. Today is your new beginning. Your past will no longer keep you bound. In Jesus' name," Pastor Reese recites, touching Jawaan's chest, and Jawaan's body sways like he's been drinking.
Tears heavily fall from my eyes as I try to process the words God has allowed Pastor Reese to convey to Jawaan. Before I can move to comfort Jawaan, Pastor Reese moves in front of me, causing my heart to race.
"God wanted me to tell you: For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him, Amen, unto the glory of God by us. Even that which you can't speak about openly, God wants me to tell you that His timing is never a punishment, nor does it equate to His anger."
My breath hitches, my shoulders shake, and my stomach tightens upon hearing this message because I have been back and forth, thinking I failed God in some way. My miscarriage has left me feeling off and desiring a child when I didn't get the option of meeting the one I lost.
"It wasn't happenstance that you met this man and have now connected with him. God said He predestined it because you are the woman who can mend his broken heart. God said you are the woman able to love him when the world destroys him. God said that through you, he will be sanctified. Whatever children coming through this union will be blessed." Pastor Reese says before his eyes shift from me to Jawaan.
"Today, I come to destroy the yoke of bondage and the plans of the enemy concerning both of you. Know this: there can be no victory if there isn't a battle. Yet your battles are the Lord's, and He's already made you victorious in Him. Remember this when you leave this sacred place and hold on to it... whatever my lot God has taught me to say, it is well. It is well. It is well... with my soul."
A light feeling enters my body, providing a sense of tranquility I have never experienced before, and in this moment, I know everything is gonna be all right.