12. Jawaan
Two Days Later
Journal Entry #4
How in the world did God set me up with a baby? Like, for real. Me... the man struggling to keep up appearances while acting like I'm not working through some heavy trauma. Now, God, I know you are omniscient, but You're gonna have to give me some type of clarity with this one. What are you doing right now? I have been focused on getting Zurmani comfortable with me so I can have someone to give me purpose and a reason to live. How did I go from that to being set up to raise a child with her? This is crazy. A baby, God? Me... a father? Nobody has felt like I've been worthy of anything my entire life. How did a woman I've never seen or met deem me qualified to raise her child? What will people say if my history ever comes to light? I can't afford any backlash or ridicule from the naysayers. Why God?
Bzz. Bzz.
Kyce:
Clearly, we need to pop up again because your lying ass ain't come over yet.
Kayshon:
Then the nigga had the nerve to change his codes so we can't go up in his crib. Little bro, I'm not sure what's crawled up your ass but drink some MiraLAX and stop tripping.
Uncontrollable laughter leaves my mouth while reading the messages in the group text from my brothers. I typed out a response for the first time in I don't know how long.
Me:
Awe, let me find out you niggas are lost without me. Oh, and Kyce, I'm calling your pastor because I'm sure he wouldn't be okay with you still cussing like this. Kayshon, leave the comedy to me, big bro.
Before I could close out of the thread, another message popped up on the screen, and I laughed again.
Kyce:
Well, praise God from whom all blessings flow. The prodigal son has returned, and for this God, I give you praise. *praying hands emoji* *Black man running emoji*
Me:
What is the running man supposed to be?
Kyce:
Me shouting, duh. Get saved, little bro.
Kayshon:
Where the fuck have you been, little nigga? Disappearing ain't how we move.
Tightness in my chest causes me to grimace while staring at Kayshon's message because it's clear he's not in a joking mood. So much has been going on that I'm unsure how to answer. I also don't need either of my brothers to worry any more than they already have. Settling on something to say that'll appease them, I type my response.
Me:
Following in your footsteps... I'm seeing Letitia. The rest is irrelevant, but I'll be at Sunday dinner with my lady.
Kyce:
*wide eye emoji*
Kayshon:
Well, I'll be damned. See you Sunday, little nigga.
That Afternoon
"How does a man who was discarded twice wind up becoming a father to a child he didn't help bring into this crazy-ass world? Not to mention, the baby is a boy. I'm a flawed and scarred man. What can I teach him?"
Holding my head in my hands, I struggle to process what's about to become my reality. Calming Zurmani came easily because I'm used to faking it to make it in the presence of others, but bringing Letitia up to speed has me pondering a lot.
"That's what most people don't understand... parenting isn't something you can learn from a book or another parent. Most parents are flawed and some are even scarred from the things in their past. There isn't a blueprint or manual I can give you to ease you into this situation. You can teach him the things you never received... unconditional, unrelenting, selfless, heartwarming, impactful... love," Letitia explains, causing me to lift my head to focus on her.
"Is love enough, though?"
A bright smile upturns Letitia's lips, instantly brightening her entire countenance and causing a lopsided grin to form on my lips.
"I believe the love you feel already for this child is the reason you're sitting here stewing over how you can prevent repeating the cycles you were incapable of controlling in your life."
"You know what's crazy? From the first day, my heart tethered itself to Little Man. I had no idea that God would see fit to bless me like this, especially after—" My words stall in my throat at the memory now invading my mind.
"After what? Don't hold on to it. These sessions aim to work through the things that plague you."
Sighing heavily, I tell Letitia about another instance in my shaky past that's currently causing turmoil.
"After Rema pressured me to make the girl I was dating have an abortion and also gave me the money necessary for it to happen. Charletta didn't want to have it, but Rema made me force her to do it. To punish me for allowing another woman to have my dick raw, Rema spiked my pink lemonade. Then she had me alternating between fucking her and one of the men on her roster with a dildo. Being the demon she was, Rema taped the encounter unbeknownst to me. Then she used it to blackmail me to keep me in line and fuck her whenever she wanted a taste of my dick."
Letitia's mouth is wide open, and her body appears frozen, making my stomach flip while increasing the lava-like heat that is coursing through my veins.
"I was too drunk to know what the fuck I was doing, but Rema's ass got a kick out of how into it I was. Only by divine intervention did I stumble upon Rema's hiding spot because she would probably still be familiar with the stroke game she taught and perfected with me."
"Th-there were tapes of your escapades?" Letitia utters.
"Not anymore, but yes. I didn't find any of Kyce or Kayshon, but Rema had that one of me and some of a man I saw on the day of Humphrey's funeral. The only comfort I had after watching the tape is that anyone with common sense would be able to tell that I was drunk."
Finding that sex tape is what sunk Rema's ship where sex with me was concerned. I no longer cared if she told anyone about my kidnapping and my reason for entering foster care. After getting rid of the incriminating and disgusting sex tape, I felt free.
"Let me ask you a question, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to," Letitia says, regaining her composure.
Sitting tall, my eyes match Letitia's intense gaze, and I nod, allowing her to ask whatever she wants.
"You've mentioned your rejection, abandonment, and the things Rema subjected you to. While living there, did you consider reporting her at any time?"
"No. My first mother had kidnapped me, and the woman who bore me turned her back on me, leaving me to reside with two people who should have never been allowed near me. I somehow convinced myself that Rema's attention was the love the first two women in my life couldn't provide for me."
Same Day, Unknown Time
"How did you ask me over here and got me feeling like I'm in a crowded library? What's on your mind that has you so quiet?"
Feeling Zurmani's hands running through my hair before massaging my scalp has me in a state of euphoria while making my dick twitch. The plan was to spend some time with her after an overwhelming and weighty counseling session. Yet, I have been unable to do anything but lie in Zurmani's lap and fight the urge to fall asleep. Zurmani has no clue how much peace I receive while in her presence. With her, I don't have to force myself to wear the shield of fake identity so my scars don't show. I can let my guard down enough to allow my emotions to simmer on the surface.
"I didn't know you would complain about getting one-on-one time with your man before our lives change."
"Oh shoot. I didn't go see Little Man today. How are we here boo-loving when we are now parents? Lord, we're parents, Jawaan." Zurmani's hands stopped moving, causing me to smirk.
"We're here because we need to agree on a name for Little Man because we'll need to put one on his birth certificate. On another note, be careful using the Savior's name in vain."
This woman is so gonna be my wife, and I'm gonna have her carrying two kids on her hip.
"Why are you grinning like a fool?"
"I'm gonna do more than make you a baby mama, girl. You're the white picket fence type of woman. We already got the dog, so we're good in that department."
Warmth spreads through my body when an image of a pregnant Zurmani, Little Man, and I pop into my mind.
Do it, God!
"Hm. Let's pin that topic for now. Do you have any ideas on names?"
"I agree with his bio-mom that it should be something of merit. What comes to mind for you?"
Crossing my sock-clad feet, I peer into Zurmani's eyes, watching intently as her expression changes several times.
"I think it should start with a J like yours. Something original but also full of meaning. I want him to know that his name symbolizes how we feel about him. If he were a girl, I would name her Blessing," Zurmani informs me, smiling.
"How about Jalil Matthew Young?" I ask when the name pops into my mind out of the blue.
"I like it. Let's see what it means." Lifting my head, Zurmani turns to grab her phone beside her before her fingers move quickly over the keyboard. "Ooh, yes. It's the perfect name for him. Jalil means greatness, and Matthew means gift of God. Why aren't we hyphenating his last name, though?" Wrinkles dance across her forehead and tightness forms around her eyes.
"For what? When he's gonna be a Young just like his mother. It's a waste of ink when Coates won't be your last name for too much longer."
"You keep mentioning marriage when I haven't gotten used to being in this relationship yet."
"Catch up then, Tigress, because this thing is forever, especially since we have a baby together."
I don't need days, months, or years to know that I want Zurmani to be mine in every way. The electric volt I felt when touching her for the first time was my heart's response to finding its soulmate.
"Give me some time to acclimate to motherhood first because I feel it's gonna be a major undertaking."
"No, it won't. It's clear that our paths have already been set, so the first thing we need to do is get right with God."
An uncontainable smile forms when the memory of Zurmani and me praying in the chapel enters my mind.
"All right, God, you've given Jawaan and me a lot to digest today. Before we ask for anything, I want to pause for a moment to tell you thank you. I don't understand your goodness toward me but thank you. I don't understand the blessings you provide for me but thank you. For your unmerited favor, thank you. Please give Jawaan and me the ability to raise and love this child you see fit to enhance our lives. Give us the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding necessary to be the parents you have given us the privilege to become. Right now, we surrender to Your will. Endow us with the tools to parent according to exercise Proverbs 22:6 in its full extent ? —"
"What is Proverbs 22? I'm not well versed in the Bible like you seem to be," I confess, cutting Zurmani off.
"How are you cutting me off in the middle of praying? We're gonna have to work on your prayer etiquette because God won't be pleased if you continue this behavior." Zurmani's eyes are tight and hard while looking at me.
"My bad, but I want to make sure I can agree without restriction. Can you tell me what the scripture says, please?"
"Ugh. Excuse me, God," Zurmani requests, standing to her full height in front of me while resting her right hand on her waist. "Okay, it says: Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
"Oh. Good looking out. Let me finish since you're standing here with an RBF, and that's not how you need to petition the Savior of the world." Placing my hands in the praying hands position, I close my eyes and start praying, fighting the smirk begging to slide into place upon hearing Zurmani grumbling.
"While I haven't been attending church on a regular basis, I'm not a heathen," Zurmani says, causing me to return to the present conversation after walking down memory lane.
"Sticks and stones, Tigress. Sticks and stones."
"What are you talking about?"
"I feel like you're calling me a heathen, so I'm just saying. Besides, your statement alone lets me know that we can both benefit from taking Little Man to church. I would also like to develop a corporate prayer routine for us. I enjoyed hearing you pray and think it's something we should add to our relationship."
Despite being unorthodox by cutting Zurmani off during her prayer, I found myself intrigued and hanging onto every word she spoke. Zurmani's ability to pray to the Lord increased my attraction to her. I have never dated a woman who seems to know God intimately. Zurmani doesn't know how much I need a woman who possesses that quality.
"Now that we have a name for our son, when are we going to tell our families?" Zurmani asks, biting her bottom lip with trepidation shining in her eyes.
"Oh, that reminds me. I wanted to see if you would be available to come to my brother's for a family dinner this Sunday. We can tell my family then. Let me know whenever you want us to share the news with your people."
"Okay. I can do that, but since I'm doing dinner, you need to attend church with me."
"Hm. Looks like we're already activating our ability to compromise. Church, then family dinner... it's a date."
"A date it is. Let's go to the hospital tomorrow to see Jalil. We also need to be updated on his health and when they anticipate his ability to come home. Wow. I can't believe we're having this conversation right now."
I can. You and Little Man are the help God promised me not long ago. You really are a miracle worker, God. Thank you for my blessings.
"Jawaan," Zurmani calls my name, returning my attention to her.
"What's up, Tigress?"
"We don't have to be a co?—"
"Tuh. You ain't about to have me out here like a single dad, Zurmani. Stop trying to forestall God's plans. He knows what's best for us."
"What am I gonna do with you, Jawaan Young?"
"Love me for the man I will always be for you, Tigress. Heartache and heartbreak will never be words you feel or experience with me."