20. Gabby
20
Gabby
“ U gh.” I lift my head off Alex’s chest. It feels like it’s made of lead. I try to blink away the sunlight that’s invading my eyes. Our attempt to count stars was futile. We fell asleep as soon as we got comfy in the back of the SUV. I think Alex and I both knew the real reason why I wanted to come back out here. I couldn’t bring myself to go home after such an emotionally charged night, and I didn’t want to fall asleep alone. I needed to be close to him, to feel his comfort and support.
“What time is it?” My voice sounds hoarse, undoubtedly from all the crying I’ve done. I’m sure my eyes are a swollen mess as well.
“Dunno,” Alex mumbles. I love that our bodies are right up against each other. I can feel the vibration of his baritone voice right down to my toes.
I search around the vehicle for my phone or Alex’s. It doesn’t really matter. I just need to figure out the time. Digging through the blankets, I hear a thud and discover Alex’s phone first. I hit a button and the time flashes on the screen. Nine twenty in the morning. It’s later than I expected but not too bad. Unless…
“Do you work today?” I hope Alex didn’t miss a shift.
“Uh-uh.” He shakes his head. “I had to switch with Mickelson a few days ago ’cause his kid got sick. I have off today and tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I blow out a sigh of relief. “I don’t go in until tonight, so we’re in good shape.”
“Perfect.” Alex reaches up and pulls me back to him. The idea of going back to sleep is tempting, but I have too much running through my mind to fully relax.
“Oh no!” I pull away from him. “I forgot to text Michelle. She’s probably worried that I didn’t come home last night.”
“I messaged Carter last night. Everything’s good.”
“Okay.” I rest my head back on him, relieved no one is sending out a search party for us. “What do we do now?”
“We go back to sleep,” he replies like the answer is obvious.
“No, I mean after this. I don’t think I can go back home and just go about my life as normal.”
“That’s ’cause you can’t.” He shifts to sit upright and rubs his eyes. “You experienced a traumatic event and for over a decade, you kept that to yourself. Now it’s out.”
“I was trying to protect myself,” I say meekly.
“I get it. I’m not mad at you, but after revealing something like that, I can imagine you probably feel a little different.”
“I feel like my whole world has shifted,” I agree. “It probably sounds ridiculous, but I felt like if I talked about them, I was acknowledging their deaths. If I kept everything bottled up, they were all still alive somehow.”
“I see where you’re coming from.” Alex scratches his chin pensively. “But did it ever occur to you that talking about them keeps their memory alive? ”
My mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. “I-I never thought about it that way.”
“Hey.” He cups his hand to the side of my face so we’re looking directly at each other. “You experienced more tragedy at sixteen than some people go through in a lifetime. You did what you had to do to survive. From that fire, you rose from the ashes. You took care of yourself the best way you knew how and you did a damn good job. I’m sure your parents and sister are so freaking proud of you. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you too.”
“How do you know just what to say?” My heart feels so full.
“I actually had trouble sleeping last night, so I texted with my sister Lilli. She’s a psychologist. I was worried that I’d say something dumb and screw things up. I didn’t want to risk that.”
“You sought professional help?” I cock my head to the side in amazement.
“Are you mad I told someone?” He winces, waiting for some type of backlash.
“No. Actually, I’m impressed that you wanted to make sure you said the right things. It sounds like you’re starting to take life seriously. I believe that was step three on the list.” I nudge him with my elbow.
“Where did you even find that thing?” He groans.
“On the laundry room floor. I almost mistook it for garbage, but then I saw my name on it.”
“Wait. I just thought of something.” He perks up. “The last item on the list was to find out why you don’t like flowers. Is that because the city changed the site to a garden?”
“Partially.” I nod. “The first few days and weeks after everything happened was a blur, but the one thing that has always stood out in my mind was the amount of flowers everywhere. There must’ve been thousands of them stacked high on the road near the complex. You could barely see the caution tape the police used to close off the area. There were even more at the vigils and memorials. People thought it was a nice way to send their condolences, but I hated it. I didn’t need flowers. I needed my family.” My eyes fill again with tears. But I push them back.
No more. Only happy memories now.
“I can see that.”
“Most people don’t, and flowers can be a sweet gesture, just not for me.” I rest my head on Alex’s shoulder. “I’m more of a bananasaurus rex girl.”
“I’m glad you liked the gift.”
“It’s so cute. I put it in the corner of my bed.”
“It gets to sleep with you every night? Well, now I’m jealous of the thing.”
This sets me into a fit of giggles, and the tension in my shoulders starts to ease. I need this release. I don’t want this moment to end, but I know I have to go back and face reality.
“What do we do now?” I ask after a moment of peaceful silence. A warm breeze blows past, carrying the scent of the pine trees surrounding us. Coming from a landlocked state, I was pleasantly surprised to discover Starboard Beach has a variety of beaches, mountains, and forests. The place has always had such a magical feel to it, and I begin to wonder if maybe there is some hope for me.
“The first thing I’d like to do”—Alex stands and stretches—“is go home and shower. I need to change out of these clothes.” He pulls at this shirt. “The thing has seen better days between all of your tears and drool.”
“What?!” I shriek. “I do not drool!”
“Yes, you do. But I’ll give you a pass this time.”
“Hmph.” I place my arms across my chest .
“I’m just playing with ya, baby girl.” Alex lets out a deep chuckle and leans in to place a chaste kiss on my forehead.
“Seriously, though.” I try to push down the mixture of butterflies and all the other emotions I’ve been feeling in my stomach. “What do I do now?”
“Whatever happens is up to you, but if you’re asking me for suggestions, I think you need to come clean to the rest of the group about your past.”
“Do you think Michelle and Aly will be upset that I was hiding this from them?” I look down at my feet.
“Nah, they’re good friends. I think they’ll understand.” He begins to gather the blankets. My heart sinks, knowing this morning is coming to an end, but we really do need to head back home.
“What about the guys?” I ask, jumping down from the back of the SUV.
“You can rip off the Band-Aid and talk to everyone together,” he suggests.
“I think I’d like to talk to the girls first,” I decide. I adore Carter and Jax, but I feel more comfortable around Aly and Michelle.
“Okay, sounds like you’ve got a plan going. That’s good progress.” He nods for me to get into the car.
“Umm…what about us?” I sit down and strap my seat belt into place.
“What about us?” He mirrors my actions.
“You know…about everything.”
“Like I said last night, my feelings for you haven’t changed. If anything, they’re stronger because I have so much admiration for what you’ve overcome.”
“I can’t get past the fear of losing you, Alex. Nothing’s changed that way.” Is it possible to overcome this phobia over time? If you had asked me yesterday, I would have immediately responded no. But now? Just talking about my past has made me feel…lighter. I kept everything bottled up for so long, I didn’t realize how badly I needed to release my emotions. I really needed that cry last night.
“I understand, but no one knows what life will bring them. There are no guarantees for any of us. So you have a choice. You can go through the rest of your life keeping everyone at arm’s length, expecting the worst, or you can jump right in with both feet and hope for the best. I know it sounds scary, but I promise to be with you every step of the way. Whatever you need from me, I’ll be there.” He pauses to wag his eyebrows. “And I do mean whatever you need from me.”
“Alex.” My voice carries no hint of annoyance.
“Sorry, baby girl, but old habits die hard.” He grins at me with those damn dimples. Gah, the feelings I have for him.
“Honestly, I think I’d be more worried if you didn’t try to turn a situation into something sexual.”
“Yeah, but I really should tone it down. Like the list said, I need to show you that I can take life seriously.”
“I know you can take life seriously.” I throw my hands up. “And I adore your sense of humor. It makes things more fun.”
“Well…” He scratches his chin. “If you say so.”
“I do say so.”
“Does that mean I can have the list back?”
“Oh no, I’m totally keeping it as a souvenir.”
“Ugh.” He hangs his head and starts the ignition.
I giggle at his reaction, but a wave of reality sweeps over me. I can’t just transform my way of thinking overnight…or possibly ever. Although a certain patient of mine was able to change. If she could, maybe I can too.
“Miss Ruby said she didn’t start living until she turned eighty-three. ”
“Do you plan to wait that long too?” Alex puts the car in drive and we make our way down the dirt road. He makes a left instead of a right and I realize he’s driving me back to The Lighthouse to pick up Stinky. “Because like I said, I’ll wait with ya, but a lot of stuff won’t be working as good as they do in my prime.”
“No. Like you said, there are no guarantees. I mean, what if I don’t even make it to eighty-three?”
“Now you’re starting to get it.” He winks. “Miss Ruby is a smart woman, and I’ll have to thank her next time I see her.”
“That probably won’t be too long.” I smile. I know Miss Ruby will be proud of me for opening up to Alex. Yet I have to admit… “I’m still scared.”
“I know, but think about it this way: Yes, Miss Ruby waited a long time to start her life, but she also didn’t have something that you have.”
“What’s that?”
“An amazing group of friends to get you through.”
My heart warms at the thought. I tried not to get attached to the 3rd East crew, but I did anyway. They’re some of the most loving and compassionate people I’ve ever met.
We turn onto the main road, headed back to grab my trusty car.
“Alex?”
“Hmm?”
“Tell me everything is going to be okay.”
He reaches down and threads his hand through mine. “Everything is going to be okay.”