14. Jillian
FOURTEEN
Jillian
“I come bearing gifts of food for your nourishment.” Sheila presents a brown bag like it’s a crown sitting on a velvet pillow.
I smile and call out to Angela. “I’ll take my lunch now. Hold the fort.”
“Aye aye, captain.” Angela gives me a mock salute.
Sheila waves at me to follow her upstairs. “I can’t believe you made me wait until Saturday to tell me what happened.”
“I can’t help if you’re working across town. You know I like to talk in person better. How else can I see your face?”
“Girl, there’s this thing called FaceTime.”
I laugh. “Not the same. Thank you for bringing us lunch.” I open the brown paper bag and find two Gyro sandwiches and an extra tzatziki sauce from one of my favorite places. My mouth waters.
Sheila sits across from me at the table.
“Okay, spill it. I waited a week for you to tell me what happened on your date.” Sheila takes a loud slurp from her can of soda.
Dozens of images flash behind my eyes and I press a napkin to my mouth to hide a smile before my too perceptive friend jumps to conclusions I’m not ready to verbalize yet.
She takes a huge bite of her sandwich and nods at me to speak.
I sip my drink and tell her about our day at the zoo and Jamie taking a picture of us.
Her eyes widen. “This I must see. Show me the picture.”
I give her my phone.
“Wow, come to mama. He’s hot.” Sheila fans her face.
“He is. But it’s more than pretty looks. He seems to be a good man too.” I take a bite of my own gyro, chew slowly.
Sheila sets the phone on the table between us, the screen still showing the picture. “It’s a great picture. And look at you. You look happy.”
I stare at it until it fades to black. “It was a perfect day. He’s easy to be around. I didn’t feel like I had to keep my guard up around him. And Jamie was in heaven.”
“I bet.” She talks around a mouthful.
My stomach rolls. “I did a thing.”
Her head swivels to me like one of those dolls in a horror movie. “What did you do?”
I nibble at my lower lip. “I think I kind of asked him on a date, the two of us, without Jamie.”
Sheila squeals. Then starts dancing in her chair, arms up and singing, “You go, girl, you go, girl.”
I ball up a napkin and toss it at her.
“It’s about time you find someone and start dating. ”
“I’m terrified. Do I even know how to date anymore? And I’m no longer that young and fearless girl who was ready to take on the world. I have a child—I gave birth. I have stretch marks on my belly, and my boobs are not as perky as they used to be.”
Sheila waves her hand dismissively. “Your body is fine. Those stretch marks you’re talking about are so faint nobody can even see them. Your boobs are fine. I know. I’ve seen you in a bathing suit. Trust me.”
I slump into the chair. “I’m not looking for a compliment. I’m being serious. I bet he’s used to dating sexy, hot, young women and I’m not it.” I can see it in my mind. Gorgeous women, with fancy clothes, perfect makeup, and shoes that cost more than I make in a week. How do I compete with that? Wait. What am I thinking? Am I jealous? No. I can’t be . . .
“Yes, you are. Beautiful, inside and out. And thirty is not old. You don’t see how guys are always checking you out. Men look at you. But you don’t even notice it because you’re so inside your own head all the time.”
“Pfft.” I point a finger at her. “Men do not check me out when I’m not looking.” And then I make crazy eyes at her for good measure. “I think you’re delusional.”
“I know what I’m talking about. You’ve always had guys coming after you. All through college, even though you and CJ were together. Or have you forgotten Brock? Chasing after you since day one of college.”
I grimace. And then stick my tongue out at her. “Don’t remind me. He was getting pushier. Hopefully, he’ll leave me alone now that Elliott told him off.”
“Because you’re too nice. You should have told him to bug off and stop trying to sleep with you long ago. But Brock was not the only one trying to steal you away from CJ. I heard more than one guy say they wished they had a shot at you when we were in college.”
“You’re saying this to make me feel better. I’ve never noticed anything like that.”
“I’m not. And that’s because you only had eyes for CJ. The two of you were blind to everything and everyone else.”
She has a point. “What do I do now? I’m so confused. A part of me is terrified, and the other part wants to go out with him. And Jamie seems to be happier too, since that day we met Elliott’s sister and made cupcakes. He was like his old self at the zoo. And I think it’s because of Elliott.” A sense of relief floods into my chest. This is the first sign that I can have my little boy back.
Sheila sits back. “Jamie is happier because you’re happier. And you’re happier because of Elliott. Jamie can see this. If that’s not a good enough reason to date Elliott, I don’t know what is.” She throws her hands up.
“You might be right.” I pick at my gyro.
“Give it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? You have a few dates and go your separate ways?”
“I don’t want Jamie to get attached to him.” There it is. The real reason. It doesn’t feel good to say it because, honestly, I was enjoying being with Elliott as much as my son. I wouldn’t want to get attached either. The risk is too big.
Sheila tilts her head down, her eyes narrowing on me like a bull about to charge. “Just Jamie?”
Do I want to get attached to him? Do I want to get attached to anyone? “I don’t know what I want. And I’m not sure I could love anyone else like I loved CJ.”
“But you don’t have to. Whoever you fall in love with, be it Elliott or someone else, he will never be CJ. And it would be unfair to you and this future guy to compare him to CJ. What you had with CJ was rare and unique. How many people meet the love of their life in first grade?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Neither do I, but you don’t have to stop loving CJ to love Elliott, too. Did you love CJ any less when you had Jamie? No. Your capacity for love grew.”
I release a breath with an exaggerated sigh. “Are you sick and tired of my pity party yet?” Because I’m tired of feeling this way. So effing tired.
“No, never. I’ll always be here for you. But I’ll also call you on your BS and kick your ass when it needs kicking.”
Something else shifts inside me. Little by little, the walls I’ve built are cracking, and a sliver of light streaks in. “That’s what real friends are for. Thank you for kicking my ass when I need it. I have a feeling your foot will be busy in the near future.”
She cackles.
“But enough of me. What have you been up to? Did you sign up for that summer class you told me about?”
“Yes. I’ll probably suck at it. It’s been so long since I’ve done any sculptures.”
“You won’t suck. You’re an amazing artist. And maybe you’ll meet a hot guy with big hands,” I joke.
She sighs. “If only. It’s been so long. I can’t even remember what sex is like.”
“There’s always the internet if you need a reminder.” I laugh, feeling lighter than I’ve been in a long time.
Her eyes widen. “Jillian Elizabeth Heart, did you suggest I watch porn?”
I put a hand to my chest. “What? Me? Never.” I scoot my chair closer to her, even though there’s no one else here to hear us. Not even Daisy. She’s downstairs, and Jamie is at a birthday party for one of his schoolmates with the sitter I sometimes hire for occasions like this when work prevents me from being present with him. Sheila leans in closer to me.
“I did hear Angela talking to someone on the phone yesterday about this great webpage that’s dedicated to women’s...needs.”
“What?”
“She said it’s called ethical or feminist P-O-R-N.” I spell it out of habit.
“Did you watch it?” Her voice is low.
“No! I don’t want that stuff on my phone or computer. Jamie uses both to play games. And seriously, why would I do that to myself?”
She shrugs. “There’s always incognito search.”
I laugh. “You try it and let me know.”
She looks like she’s thinking about it.