33. Matthias
33
MATTHIAS
“Why the fuck does it smell like a cat vomited up a dead rat in here?”
I groan at the sound of Cade’s voice. “Fuck off. No one asked you to come in here.”
“I think it’s him.” Great. Dalton’s here too. Assholes, the lot of them. “When did you last shower, Matty?”
“Go away.” I haul my sheets higher, pulling them right up to my chin. So what if I’m wallowing? Father didn’t allow it the first time I lost Wyatt. He’s not here now though, so I’m going to make the most of it. I’m going to wallow until I die. There’s no point in doing anything else.
“Nope,” Cade sounds far too cheerful for my liking. “Get up or I’ll get you up.”
I ignore his threats. “I’ve pulled doubles for The Firm all week. I’m entitled to relax.”
“You’re not relaxing, you’re sulking.” Dalton frowns down at me. “And it’s time to stop. You can’t waste your life like this, Matty. Wyatt wouldn’t like it.”
My insides turn to ice, fractures forming behind my ribcage. “Don’t say his fucking name.”
“What? Wyatt?” Dalton taunts. I know what he’s doing. He wants me to fight. He’s trying to provoke some kind of emotion that’ll prove I’m not dead inside. “Why can’t I say his name? He’s not yours anymore, is he?”
I fist my hand in the sheets to stop myself from thumping him. “You know he’s not.”
They all know. There was no way to hide the mess I became the second Wyatt walked out of my life.
After I told him to leave.
“You stink,” Cade goes to the opposite side of the bed as Dalton and rips back the sheets. He throws them on the floor before I can grab them back. “Get in the shower.”
“No.” I sit up and glare at him. “I’m not going to that fucking gala. You can’t make me.”
Cade gives me a charming grin. One I know spells trouble. “Oh, we can and we will.”
“No.” I cross my arms. I’m behaving like a petulant child. A brat.
Just like Wy. Before I ruined everything.
The realization hurts, but that’s okay.
Everything hurts these days. Wyatt didn’t just take my heart when he left. He took my ability to be happy.
And I’m perfectly fine with that. I fucked things up beyond my wildest dreams. Wyatt was right. I manipulated the situation.
And I broke both our hearts in the process.
Dalton sighs, but Cade’s grin just gets wider. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
Strong arms shove into me from the left. They hit me so suddenly that I lose my balance and tumble toward Cade. He catches me, swinging me over his shoulder in a firefighter lift. “Jesus, Matthias. You’re a heavy fucker. Good thing I lift so much.”
“Put me down,” I say dully. I wonder briefly why I’m not yelling, or kicking and punching anything I can reach.
I just don’t care enough. I think that’s what it is. Without Wyatt to center everything around, I’m lost. An empty bottle dancing in the waves. No letter. No intentions. Just discarded and lost.
Dalton goes ahead of us into the bathroom. Seconds later, I hear the shower come on. “I’m not getting naked in front of you two.”
“Like we wanna see it.” Cade shudders as he puts me down in the opening of the walk-in shower. “Now, are you going to be a good boy and shower, or do I need to make you?”
Of all of them, Cade is probably the only one who can. He might be all charm and smiles, but I know all too well a psychopath lurks behind the smoke and mirrors.
Still, I argue. I can’t help it. I don’t care, but I also don’t want to go to any fucking events. To smile. To shake hands. To make idle small talk.
To have anyone enquire where my husband is.
It’d been a mistake, taking him to the previous gala. At the time, I thought it was a good way to get him back into the circles he’d once been comfortable in, and to share a little of my world with him.
It never occurred to me that one day, I might have to explain his absence.
“I’m not going,” I repeat, glaring at Cade. Dalton is leaning against the doorjamb and smirking, but I can see the worry in his eyes. The worry all my siblings have had every time they’ve looked at me over the past few weeks.
“Fine,” Cade grins. “Have it your way.”
He shoves me directly in the chest and I fly backward into the spray, my back colliding with the wall and knocking the wind out of me. I open my mouth to yell at him, but water fills it and chokes my words.
Dalton is laughing so hard he’s doubled over in the doorway. “Really wish I’d taken a video of that.”
Cade is just eyeing me speculatively from the opening. “Now, can you do the rest? Or do I need to get in there and wash you? I don’t want to, but I will, Matthias. Don’t push me.”
I bare my teeth at him, preparing to fight. But then Wyatt’s face flashes through my mind as I remember how he fought me. The past tangles with the present, and my energy leaves me in a flash. “Fine. Whatever. Just get out so I can have some privacy.”
Cade looks to Dalton, who nods. There’s a certain hierarchy that we all observe, even without speaking it aloud. Cade might be more dangerous, but Dalton is cunning. He’s seen us all through enough shit that he earned our respect and loyalty years ago.
Even if he does like to piss us all off by stealing our shit and hitting on Wyatt.
Wyatt.
See, even when I’m thinking about something completely unrelated, my brain circles back to him. It’s not a surprise, really. My neural pathways are trained to focus on Wyatt at all times.
I’m not sure I can ever change that.
When they’ve disappeared and closed the door, I decide I may as well shower. Cade’s right. I do stink. I can’t even remember the last time I washed.
Not much of a point now.
I scrub myself clean until my skin is pink and raw. When I’m done, I shave too. Not because I’m planning on doing as my brothers have asked, but because there’s no fucking way I’m trusting Cade at my throat with a sharp blade.
I don’t think he’d ever hurt me, not intentionally anyway. But Cade has an unhealthy obsession with both sharp things and blood. It’s best to just keep both away from him at all times.
Unless he’s doing The Firm’s work. Then it becomes very useful.
A fist hammers on the door. “Hurry up, Matty. We’re going to be late.”
“Go fuck yourselves,” I say, but I open the door anyway as I’ve delayed as much as I can. My brows shoot up as I take in the room behind Cade. “Did you make my bed?”
“Nah, Dalton did.” Cade grabs my shoulder in a tight grip and steers me into the room. “Figured you’d want clean sheets when you get home.”
“Don’t really care,” I say, coming to a stop as I spy my tux laid out on the bed. “I said no.”
“And I said yes.”
I stiffen at Wylder’s voice before glaring at both Cade and Dalton. “Really? You called Wylder?”
“They did.” Wylder strides into the room, plucking my shirt from the bed. “Apparently, you were being uncooperative.”
I glare at him but don’t say anything. As the eldest, he’s inherited the Buckingham estate and all the responsibilities of running The Firm alongside it.
My silence isn’t out of fear, however. It’s out of respect. Love. Wylder has pulled me out of too many bars and fights to count. I went off the rails for a while after my initiation to The Firm. I had nothing to lose and Wylder was there to pull me from the darkness.
It was because of Wylder that I got back on track. He refused to let me throw my life away.
“Attendance tonight is mandatory,” Wylder says, opening a shirt and nodding for me to turn around so he can put it on. “You either get in the town car that’s waiting downstairs, or the three of us will put you in it.”
I turn mutely, allowing him to help me shrug the shirt on. “Fine. But this is the last one I’m doing for at least six months. And you’re not helping me put on my underwear.”
Wylder’s laugh has us all pausing. He does it so rarely that it always catches us off-guard. “Believe me, none of us are willing to do that. The plan was to send you commando.”
“Still think that’s a good option,” Dalton says, wiggling his hips and brows at the same time. “Much more freedom down there.”
The three of us all wince at the same time, but it’s Cade who speaks. “Way too much fucking information.”
“We’re family. There’s no such thing,” Dalton replies.
The three of them leave me to dress. I pull on each item slowly, trying desperately not to think of the last time I wore them. How I’d fixed Wyatt’s tie.
How we’d kissed properly for the first time.
Enough, I tell myself as I fasten my cufflinks with trembling hands. Focus on getting through tonight. You’re not going to think about Wy anymore.
I laugh bitterly. Yeah. I don’t believe that.
* * *
The drive to the gala and the first hour pass in a blur of smiling faces. I’m sure I smile back, shake hands, place air kisses on ancient cheeks. I must talk a little.
But I pay no attention to any of it.
Ever since we pulled up outside the building, I’ve been in a free fall. It’s the same venue as last time—the floor I danced with Wyatt on, the patio we escaped to.
I keep thinking I glimpse him in the crowd, but each time, I’m left disappointed.
Cade and Dalton stick close to my side. I’m not sure if it’s Wylder’s orders or their concern about me, but I don’t care. I’m just counting down the seconds until I can leave.
Some old buffoon is droning on in my ear when I glimpse another Wyatt lookalike. This one has his curls and his shining blue eyes.
The stubborn set on his lips that I’m so familiar with.
Fuck. He doesn’t just look like Wyatt.
He is Wyatt. He’s shouldering through the crowd toward me, a fierce determination burning in his gaze. His wide shoulders are clad in the navy suit I bought him for the previous event. The one that hung forlornly in the closet next to my things. He never took it with him.
But he’s here. I have no idea how or why, but Wyatt is here.
I spy the crooked tilt of his tie and want to weep.
Once, I could’ve fixed that for him. Not now though.
He’s no longer mine to touch.
But, for some reason, he’s walking straight toward me.
I don’t know how to react or what to do. I’ve heard from him only once since he walked out of my office. A photo of us as teenagers that I’d forgotten existed. Our faces had been alight with youthful joy and optimism. Even through the screen, our connection had shone through.
It felt like Wyatt was taunting me. See what we were? See what you ruined? This is all on you.
I never responded. I couldn’t. He was right. I have fucked everything up. Every step of the way, I’ve chosen wrong where Wyatt was concerned.
He deserves so much better than me. It’s why I told him to leave that day.
It’s why I’ve stayed away every day since.
I’m frozen to the spot as he strides toward me. Cade squeezes my shoulder as Dalton whispers in my ear, “Let yourself be happy, Matthias.”
With that, the two of them melt away into the crowd.
Then Wyatt is standing before me. His certainty hasn’t wavered, but something seems to crumple in him as he looks me over. “Can we talk? Somewhere more private?”
I swallow so loudly that it’s surely audible to everyone in the room.
“You want to talk?” I manage to ask, my voice rough.
Wyatt nods stiffly. “So long as you promise no more lies.”
I wince. I deserve that. “I promise. I’ll never lie to you ever again.”
I mean it too. Everything fell apart because of lies and half-truths. If I want Wyatt back in my life, even just as a friend, we have to start with a better foundation.
And if he walks away again tonight? Then at least I know that all cards have been shown.
He gestures toward the door, and I follow him silently. Fresh air hits me as we step outside onto the patio. I try desperately not to think of the last time we were here, when he told me he’d never break.
What a fool. We are both fools given how broken we are now.
“I…” My voice cracks so I clear my throat and try again. “I didn’t think I’d see you here tonight.”
“I figured.” He steps closer, and I shy away. I can’t let him touch me. I can’t. I’ll fall to pieces and I don’t want him to see that. I don’t want him to see me so weak. “Something tells me you didn’t plan on seeing me anywhere.”
I build up walls with steady breaths. I can do this. I can get through this conversation and then I’ll beg Wylder to send me out to do something dangerous and reckless enough to let me forget, even for a few minutes. “It’s…it’s too hard. Our deal is done now. Why revisit it?”
“Matt…” Wyatt’s hand touches my chin, and I feel him pierce my soul. “Look at me.”
I wince and whisper, “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s too hard,” I say. “It reminds me of what I did. How I manipulated you and took advantage of you when you were vulnerable.”
Those words of Wyatt’s have haunted me. I throw them back at him now, a reminder of what I did. I’m not even sure why I say it. Maybe it’s to see him walk away. To force him to leave.
Before he does so of his own volition.
“Matt, look at me, baby.” He uses his fingers to make me follow through and something in me breaks at the sorrow in his eyes. “I don’t think that’s what you did. You did manipulate me, but not because you wanted to take advantage of me. I know I said it in the heat of the moment, but I don’t think you’re capable of that. Not where I’m concerned.”
He waits for me to speak, but I don’t know what to say. If Wyatt gives me any fucking hope, my brain will run with it and never let go. It’s best to just let him get what he needs to say off his chest and be done with it.
“I’ve been thinking a lot,” he says, when it becomes apparent I’m not going to speak. “About you. About the past. About everything that went down between us. And you want to know the conclusion I reached?”
My lips twitch into an almost ghost of a smile. My muscles ache at the unfamiliar movement. Even when he’s not practicing, Wyatt can’t help but slip into the lawyer speak.
The corners of Wyatt’s eyes crinkle, like he noticed the tiny movement and it pleases him. “I think none of it is your fault.”
I go to interject, but Wyatt stops me. “No. Don’t say anything yet. Just…let me get this all out. Okay?”
I nod woodenly. I’m back where I’ve spent most of my life—completely uncertain about what’s going to happen with Wyatt. It should bring a familiar relief.
Instead, it just makes my heart ache more.
Wyatt takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders. Heat burns from where his fingers still rest on my jaw. “Let’s look at the facts. You fell in love with me when we were teenagers.”
I freeze, not knowing what to do. Wyatt told me not to speak, but he seems to be waiting for some sort of response.
I nod.
A rush of breath leaves Wyatt. “Okay. So you were in love with me but never said anything. Probably because of some bullshit fear of ruining our friendship, correct?”
Again, I nod.
“Then your cunt of a father finds out about us and sets me up in order to get me out of your life. You go to The Firm and barter for my freedom.”
Another nod.
“Then you discovered that your father was The Firm. He threatens my life in order for your compliance. He also forbids you from having any contact with me.”
My throat constricts. I never got that far in explaining. “How do you?—?”
“Nope,” Wyatt glares at me until I shut my mouth. “Don’t worry about how I know. Just confirm that I’m correct.”
What else can I do? I nod.
“Because you loved me, you went along with it.” Wyatt’s hand is shaking against my jaw now. “You did whatever unspeakable thing he commanded of you, just to keep me safe.”
I hesitate. I don’t want to confirm this. I don’t want Wyatt to feel like any of what’s happened to me over the past few years has been on him.
Wyatt’s gaze is steady. “No lies, remember?”
“Yes,” I croak. “All of it was to keep you safe.”
He curses under his breath and leans his forehead against mine. “When all of this is sorted out, we’re going to sit down and have a long talk about your sense of self-preservation.”
Wait, why is he talking as if we have a future?
Our breath mingles and I’m taken back to the last time we were here, when he taunted me by almost kissing me.
I thought that’d been painful. It has nothing on this. On knowing the exact shape of his lips. The flavor of his mouth. The possessive way his hand curls in my hair.
Back then, I knew none of that.
Now I do. And I can’t have it.
“Then you came home from abroad to learn about Jackson’s accident. To find out I’d been fired. You watched from afar as my life fell to pieces, not knowing how to help.”
I’m not sure if he still needs my affirmation, but I offer it anyway. “Yes.”
“And then I approached The Firm, and you knew I’d hit rock bottom.” His hands link behind my neck, holding us together. “You saw an opportunity, not to take advantage of me, but to save me. To help Jackson. To make sure I was fed. That I was safe. To remind me that it’s okay to laugh. To be happy. To look forward to the future.”
I blink and a tear falls. I do nothing to stop it, too afraid to shatter this moment between us. “Yes. I’m so sorry I did that?—”
“No. Don’t apologize. I get it. Now shut up so I can keep going.”
I swallow and let him continue.
“You didn’t plan on me falling in love with you,” he whispers. “That’s why you put barriers up between us at first. You were trying to protect yourself.”
I choke on a sob. “Yes.”
“But you couldn’t help it,” Wyatt continues. More moisture hits my face, but I’m not sure who it’s coming from. “You couldn’t help loving me any more than I could help falling.”
A shudder goes through me and his grip tightens, holding me steady. “Don’t make me out to be a saint, Wy. I also made you sleep in bed with me. Did you forget that?”
“I didn’t say you were perfect,” Wyatt grins softly. “Considering how long you’ve been in love with me? Everything you’ve secretly done for me? I think you were entitled to take that bit of pleasure for yourself. Even if I was an absolute brat about it.”
“You weren’t.”
Wyatt’s laugh heals something inside me. “Oh, I fucking was. But it’s okay. I think that’s something you love about me.”
“I do,” I say quietly. “I love everything about you.”
This might be a mistake, but if this is my last conversation with Wyatt, I don’t want to hide anything. It’s not just about telling him the truth. It’s about being completely open with him, baring my heart to him, and letting him do with it what he will.
It makes sense. After all, it belongs to him. It always has.
“Good,” Wy sounds a little breathy. “That’s really good, because otherwise, this next part would be a stupendously bad idea.”
Wyatt pulls away, but it’s not to leave.
No, he’s not going anywhere.
He’s pulling a small black box from his pocket.
He’s lowering to one knee.
He’s blinking away tears as he opens the box to reveal a slender gold ring.
“Matthias,” he begins. “My Matt. You’ve looked out for me ever since the day we met. I grew up thinking nobody loved me, but that’s not true. You’ve loved me for so long I’m not sure either of us can say when it began.”
I cover my mouth with a shaking hand. Is this really happening?
“I’m not sure when I fell in love with you either,” he continues huskily. “But I know for certain it happened before the day we first exchanged vows. Long before I was taken away in that cop car. I might not have known it back then, but that’s what it was. Love.”
I’m sobbing now. I can’t help it. Wyatt is saying things to me I’ve never so much as allowed myself to dream of, let alone hope for.
“That’s why it hurt so much the first time it fell apart between us. And why, this time, it almost broke me completely.”
“It broke me too,” I choke out. “I’ve barely been existing without you.”
Something passes over his face. “Yes, that’s something else we’ll be discussing later. But, right now, I’m proposing.”
My lips twitch. “Is this the part where I remind you we’re already married?”
Amusement shines in Wyatt’s eyes. “Be quiet, you. I’m proposing that we start over. No secrets. No lies. I propose that we allow ourselves to be in love the way we should have all those years ago.”
Just like that, I’m crying again.
“I propose that I fight for us every day,” Wy continues, his voice cracking. “That I move back in and come back to Lawson and Buckingham so we don’t have to spend time apart. That I take over the garden until Corbin grumps about it. I propose that I spend every night in your bed. That we always set our alarm an hour earlier than needed. I propose that I help you put yourself first, the way you have always done for me. And then, when the time is right,” his throat bobs as he lifts the ring a little higher. “I propose that we exchange your current ring for this one. I propose we do this knowing that this time, there’s no end date. That it’s me and you. Until death do us part.”
Someone gives a rather undignified squeal, and I realize that all of my brothers have gathered at the door of the patio. Even Jackson is there, peering over Dalton’s shoulder as they wait for me to answer.
“So what do you say?” Wyatt asks, snapping my attention back to him. Where it belongs. Love and hope dance in his eyes. “I dare you, Matt. I dare you to love me forever.”
“Yes,” I croak, my hands going to his jacket and using it to haul him to his feet. “Yes,” I repeat. “Always fucking yes.”
And then I slam my mouth to his.