Chapter 15
15
Janie
SHE WAS OUT of her mind.
At least her libido was.
That was the only explanation for how she ended up wrapped around Devon, letting him tongue fuck her mouth while strongly considering letting him regular fuck other parts of her. Probably would have if the doorbell hadn’t interrupted, sending each of them jumping different directions as his daughters raced down the stairs.
Now she was standing in a kitchen full of teenage girls, trying to act casual and pretending to eat the pizza she picked, filled with panic.
And horniness.
She was attracted to Devon—there was no denying it. But who wouldn't be? Obviously not Isabella’s mother. Maybe that was why she ended up dry fucking him on the kitchen counter. Jealousy had her all riled up.
But if that was true, then she had to face the reasons she would be jealou s, and having an existential crisis surrounded by a gaggle of giggling girls wasn’t the way tonight was going to play out.
So she shoved a bite of pizza into her face and started to chew, looking everywhere but at the man watching her with the most intense stare she’d ever witnessed. When people called a gaze devouring, this must be what they meant, because Devon looked like he wanted to consume her inch by inch.
And she might let him.
“Why is it so hot in here?” Janie grabbed a paper plate from the stack on the counter and started to fan herself, abandoning the slice of green pepper, onion, and mushroom so she could flap the front of her top around to get more air moving. “You girls need to start taking turns breathing. You’re going to turn this place into a freaking sauna.” She made a beeline for the back door, needing some fresh air and some space from whatever in the hell just happened in that kitchen, ignoring the odd looks everyone was shooting her way.
Ducking out onto the deck, she sucked in a deep breath, pulling the cold, crisp night air into her lungs. The chill felt good for about two seconds, but then it started to sink through her long-sleeved T-shirt and leggings. She shivered, weighing her options. She could go back inside and try not to combust over the heated looks Devon was casting her way. Or, she could brave the cold, hoping it would numb the part of her brain that kept wondering what was going to happen the next time she and Devon were alone.
And the part of her body trying to convince her to find out.
“Shit.” She paced across the deck and down the stairs, going straight for the flickering fire. Dropping down into one of the double-seat chairs, she let her head fall into her hands, and groaned.
Because she knew exactly what was going to happen the next time she was alone with Devon.
“You’re going to freeze your ass off out here.”
Her head snapped up as her whole body—but especially her nethers—clenched tight at the sound of Devon’s voice. She swallowed hard at the sight of him. After working for so long to ignore how devastatingly handsome he was, her brain decided it had a lot of catching up to do. And it sent her eyeballs dragging down his long frame, past the armful of fleece he was carrying, to linger on the part of him she now knew was just as long as everything else.
“What are you doing out here?”
“There’s nowhere else to go. The girls have taken the place over.” He settled into the seat next to her, dropping the load of blankets he carried into her lap. “Plus, you looked cold. And I don’t want you calling my mother to tell her I let you freeze.” His lips twitched as he went to work wrapping the first of the blankets around her back. “Tattletale.”
“You would probably never hear the end of it.” She sat still, watching as he continued tucking the blanket around her body. “It does seem like you get your love of lecturing from her.”
One corner of his mouth tipped up. “What you call lecturing, I call guidance.” His eyes came to hers. “I wasn’t ever trying to make you feel bad. I was just trying to look out for you.”
She bit her lower lip in an attempt to keep the question burning her insides contained. It didn’t work. “Why?”
“I didn’t see anyone else stepping up to do it.” His warm hands worked alongside her neck, carefully easing her hair from the wrap of the blanket. “That includes you.”
Janie swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. “I had other things to worry about.”
“I know.” Devon’s touch lingered even when her hair was free, the raspy brush of his calloused hands along her skin sending shivers down her spine. “But you’ve still got to take care of yourself.”
“Do you take care of yourself ?” The accusation jumped out. An automatic defense she’d lost control of long ago.
“I try.” The mouth she was a little too focused on lifted into a smirk. “Those muscles you mentioned Friday don’t come out of nowhere.” His thumbs brushed along her cheeks. “And yes, I know I could have spent the time I put in at the gym cleaning my house, but if there’s nothing left of me, what in the hell am I supposed to give my girls?”
A wry smile worked onto her mouth. “There’s the difference between us. I don’t have anyone wanting a piece of me.”
Devo n’s gaze heated, eyes dropping to her mouth. “That’s not true and you know it.”
Every nerve ending in her body went haywire, sending her heart racing and her pussy throbbing. This was why she’d tried to escape him. Many times. From the very beginning, she knew Devon Peters was dangerous. A hazard to be avoided at all costs. But his kind of threat was so different from all the ones she’d faced before.
With him she wouldn’t lose money or sanity. She wouldn’t risk her safety or her well-being. Only her heart. Maybe her soul. The only two things she’d managed to hang onto all these years.
And she couldn’t do it. Couldn’t go down that road knowing it might be the path to ruin.
“I can’t…” She swallowed hard, the words bitter and wrong even though she knew they had to be said. “I can’t be what you need. What your daughters need.” She hesitated before adding on the last bit. The part that was maybe the most important. “What you had before.”
She’d done her best not to think of Devon’s wife. Being jealous of someone who’d lost everything felt wrong. Ugly. But that didn’t mean there weren’t moments that guilty emotion didn’t slip through the cracks to remind her he’d had it all. A perfect life with a perfect wife.
That was how she imagined the woman she never knew. Perfect. It’s what he deserved.
And what she wasn’t.
Devon’s expression turned sad, a punch to the gut knowing she’d brought it on. She ’d reminded him of his wife and how he would never get that back. Especially not with her.
But then he said something that stunned her.
“Maggie was planning to divorce me before she found out she was sick.” He took a deep breath, one she felt in her own chest. “I found out the day we got her diagnosis. She confessed everything. That she hadn’t been happy in years.” One hand moved to her hair, slowly coiling a curl around his finger. “That she’d never loved me the way she should have.”
Janie stared at him, unable to fully process what he was telling her, which was probably why she asked, “Was she an idiot?”
Devon’s eyes widened in surprise the same time hers did. Clamping one hand over her mouth, Janie shook her head. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”
Devon caught her hand, pulling it away. “Don’t apologize. That’s part of why I like you. You say exactly what you’re thinking.” His thumb stroked the center of her palm. “You don’t hold it in.” He lifted her arm, brushing his lips against the pulse point at the inside of her wrist, revealing how surprisingly sensitive the spot was. “I don’t have to wonder what’s going on in your head.” Another pass of his lips. “How you feel.”
She couldn’t look away from where his mouth teased the bit of skin peeking out the bottom of her sleeve. “Most people don’t like that about me.”
“Most people don’t find out their wife hadn’t loved them for years and just didn’t want to tell them.” Devon released her hand, letting it fall t o the blanket. “Right before she died.”
The full impact of what happened to Devon hit her like a ton of bricks. “Oh shit.” It was an impossible scenario to imagine. One she wouldn’t begin to know how to come to terms with. “But… Wait…” The timeline he’d laid out started to sink in, bringing her to another painful realization. “You stayed with her even after you found out she didn’t want to be married to you anymore.”
“Of course I did.” He said it like he’d never considered anything else. “She needed me. Needed my insurance and my help while she went through chemo.”
This time it was Janie reaching for his hand, lacing their fingers. Offering support she didn’t really know how to give. “I’m sure she appreciated it.”
“She did.” His grip tightened around hers. “It was difficult at the beginning, coming to terms with all the changes.” Devon’s thumb stroked across her skin. “But then it started to become clear she wasn’t going to get better.” His eyes dropped. “And it got even worse.”
Her throat tightened and she scooted closer, spreading the second blanket Devon brought out over their laps, covering as much of him as she could as the night grew colder. “Because you were going to lose her?”
“That’s a complicated answer.” He took a deep breath. “I think it would have been easier if I could have just been sad over losing her.” Devon’s words were soft. Like he’d never said them out loud before tonight. “But I was also angry. Mad she hadn’t told me sooner. Mad she held something like that back for so long.” He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing with the act. “It made our whole marriage feel like a lie.”
She’d been through her fair share of relationships with an emotionally closed off partner. But this was different.
They’d been married. They had children. A life. A partnership. She couldn’t imagine how betrayed Devon felt by his wife’s admission.
“I know this is going to surprise you, but I don’t know what to say.”
Devon’s eyes lifted to her face again as a hint of a smile eased across his lips. “There’s that complete honesty I love.” He studied her for a few seconds. “I didn’t know how much I needed it until I met you.”
She stared back at him, at a loss in more ways than she could count. While she didn’t hold back, no one had ever been so open and honest with her. After a lifetime of chasing this kind of connection, finding it was overwhelming. So intense it was difficult to breathe.
“I didn’t know how much I needed a lot of things until I met you.” He lifted their joined hands, lacing her arm around his neck. “It was easy to ignore how lonely I was. How long it had been since I’d touched someone who wanted to touch me back.” Devon leaned close, the tip of his nose teasing hers. “And now I’m having a hell of a time being the friend I said I would be.”
As her fingers found their way into the hair at his nape, her body leaned into his all on its own. “How do you know I want to touch you back?”
“I mean,” his lips curved into a sexy smirk, “you don’t exactly keep your hands to yourself when we’re together.” His eyes dropped to where her other hand was gripping the front of his shirt, holding tight.
She started to let go, but he caught her before she could, the width of his palm wrapping around her fist. “Don’t do that. Don’t overthink it.” He brushed his lips against hers. “Just let it be what it wants to be.”
The thought made her gut clench in fear.
“That’s not something I do.”
She’d fought for every relationship she’d been in. Sure, she’d sent a few men packing over the years—like the one who brought her to Devon’s literal doorstep—but the men she’d genuinely liked and wanted to keep around were always the same ones who left her feeling insecure. Left her holding on so tight she didn’t notice she was gripping something she needed to let go of.
And it was easy to see herself doing that with Devon. Clinging to him at all costs.
Devon continued teasing his lips over hers. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?” His breath was warm as it fanned over her face. “You’re the kind of woman who makes shit happen.” He nipped at her lower lip. “Another thing I love about you.”
Had anyone ever loved anything about her? Not her mother, that’s for sure. Not any of the men in her past. It led her to the conclusion there wasn’t much appealing about her. Not in the ways that mattered.
But hearing Devon liked—loved—the parts of her personality most people found abrasive, prodded at an ache she’d carried forever. Since that first moment her mother made it clear she wasn’t good enough the way she was.
“I…”
Was she ready to make a similar confession? To finally admit there were things she loved about him too? Like how hard he worked to be a good dad. The way he took care of the people around him. Even those damn lectures he gave were appealing now that she knew what they really were.
Devon shook his head. “You never have to feel like you need to give me something back, J. Never.” The warmth of his fingers brushed over her cheek. “I just thought you should know how I felt. Why I can’t stay away from you even though I said I would.” His lips left hers, tracing a path along the line of her jaw to pause just below her ear. “And why I’m going to do my damndest to convince you we should be more than friends.” His teeth raked across yet another spot on her body that was way more sensitive than she realized. “That we probably already are.”
“Are you saying that because we cuddled at the football game?” She sucked in a breath as the heat of his mouth worked down the column of her neck.
“No.”
Devon’s lips lifted, claiming hers in a kiss that stole all the breath from her body after setting every nerve ending on fire, leaving her aching and filled with an amount of need she’d never experienced.
It wasn’t just physical. Her desire for more of Devon wasn’t only confined to her body. It had settled into those two things she’d held so close for so long, guarding them at all costs.
“I’m saying that because I’m about to give you a reason to believe me.” His eyes held hers as his hand slid under the blanket, the warmth of his touch skimming over the skin of her belly. “And to test that legging theory of yours. ”