19. Chapter 19
Chapter nineteen
Jordie
I pull in front of Ray’s dorm with my step-dad’s rust-bucket of a sedan right on time to meet Ray and fire him a quick text. He steps outside the dorm lobby with his suitcase and scans the crowded sidewalk. I scramble out of the car to wave him over, since he isn’t expecting me to be driving.
“Hey! Over here, Ray!” I wave both arms above my head to get his attention and a brilliant grin blooms on his gorgeous features when he catches sight of me.
The HRT is really starting to show in subtle ways for us both. I’ve got the first hint of swelling breasts and more curves in general. My hair and skin are looking amazing now that I’ve adjusted my skin care routine to account for being less oily. I don’t have to shave or wax quite as often, not that I was ever super hairy. Poor Liam is going to have a hell of a time growing any facial hair with our genes.
As for Ray, from the pictures he’s shown me of his dad and brothers, it might be a while before he can grow more than a peach fuzz mustache. His jawline is already looking a little more chiseled though. His voice is scratchy with the first signs of a drop in tone. His once unblemished skin boasts a sprinkling of acne and, most notably for me, his libido and sensitized click have him begging for attention several nights a week.
I’ve spent more nights in Ray’s bed sucking his cute little click than sleeping on my own over the past few weeks. He’s already got a bit of growth there. Enough that he seems more confident about it during sex. He even called it his dick when I sucked his brains out through it the other night and afterward he said it’s starting to feel like a dick. So I’ve been following his lead on using both terms.
It’s just as well he is cool with everyone knowing he’s mine, because I doubt any of our friends would buy that I spend my nights with him to study. Most of the studying I do in his room these days is sexual, learning my lover’s body. I’m confident that I’m acing the subject if his sated smiles are anything to go by.
Ray hefts his school bag onto his shoulder and drags his roller suitcase roughly down the concrete steps from the dorm. “Nice wheels. What’s up? I thought we were going to grab an Uber to your folks’ place?”
“Change of plans. I borrowed Dad’s car, so I can take you to visit your family for the break. I know they don’t have the holiday, but you seem like you need a taste of home. And Dad won’t need the car until Monday, since they’re taking the van to see Gran.”
Ray’s eyes are a little too bright as he nods. “I mean. Yeah. I miss them. And I really want to tell them about everything, but I want it to be in person and…”
“Hey, breathe. I know.” I rest a comforting hand on his shoulder. “So I figured we could rip the bandaid off together. Tell them you’re Ray and see how it goes when you’ve got backup.”
“And if I’m not ready?”
I shrug. “Then you can introduce your hot new joyfriend to your family. I won’t out you to them no matter how much I want to correct them when they misgender you.”
“Yeah?” His tentative smile is so heartbreakingly hopeful it makes my heart squeeze with emotion for him. I really like this guy.
“Yeah. I want to support you, whatever that looks like. And you seem like you need a little family time to recharge before finals.”
“I really do. And I should tell them before it gets too obvious. But are you sure about missing time with your Gran?” He worries his lip and I nudge him to get him to stop.
“When and how to tell them is entirely your call, sunshine. I’ll see Gran in a few weeks during winter break and we might video chat while my family is there, if that’s cool? It’s fine to miss this one visit. So, ready for our first big road trip?”
Ray giggles. “OMG. Relationship test right there. International road trip trial by fire.”
I grab his suitcase as an excuse to lean into his personal space and steal a lingering kiss.
“Fire can’t compare to how hot you burn, sunshine. This is going to be epic.”
“If you say so. I’m a little nervous. But thank you. No one’s ever done something like this for me before.”
“You good with it? We can always go visit with your aunts before meeting my family for the road trip to Gran’s as planned, if you aren’t feeling it.”
“No.” Ray shakes his head. He takes a deep, steadying breath. “No. I want to go. It’s nice. Really nice. And I even have my passport, since I didn’t want to risk leaving it on campus for the entire break.”
“Perfect, and I’ve got mine. Playlist is popping, snacks are in the back, both our bags are packed, we are ready to roll!” I fist pump enthusiastically and he giggles, clearly happy with my surprise.
We exchange smiles as I load his things into the trunk, along with my suitcase. The backseat is loaded with a selection of snacks that Liam and Kara would approve for the road. I make sure we both have our passports in easy reach. We hit the road with a club mix Pixel helped curate blasting through the speakers.
I had to dig up an old laptop from my folks’ basement to burn the music to a CD for the old car’s archaic sound system since it isn’t equipped with bluetooth. Totally worth it to watch out of the corner of my eye as Ray dances in his seat to the tunes. The music sounds slightly tinny over the ancient speakers as I navigate through downtown traffic toward I-93. Once we get on the highway and out of the city, it should be smooth sailing for a while.
Ray calls his folks to let them know about the last minute plans. From the side of the conversation I can hear, they seem excited to see him and meet me. I glance over expectantly when he hangs up, texts his aunts about the change of plans, and puts aside his phone.
“My folks are good to host us for the weekend. They have work until the weekend, but Mom says she’s going to have all my brothers over Friday night to meet you. So I’ll probably tell the sibs and their partners then? If telling Mom and Dad goes well, anyway.” He blows out a nervous breath that turns into an uneasy titter and scrubs at his eyes. “Otherwise I guess we’ll see?”
I flash him a sympathetic smile. “Nothing says you have to tell anyone anything you aren’t ready for yet. You’ve got time before the HRT makes any major changes that you can’t chalk up to time and distance. And I’ll be there for you no matter what.”
“Yeah.” He leans across the console to kiss my cheek, making my heart swoop at the raw affection. It’s nice to be there for him, to know I make him feel comfortable and supported. There’s a wary, cynical part of me that can’t help wondering if that support is why he’s with me. What if all I am to him is a temporary crutch while he finds his feet living as a guy? I ruthlessly crush those doubts down deep. They’re my insecurities to deal with, not his fault at all.
“I can’t believe you’re really driving me home.” Ray shakes his head incredulously.
“Believe it, sunshine.” I grin over at him and pat his thigh. “I want to be there to support you when you tell your folks. If you tell them.”
“I’m going to do it!” Ray declares. “Before I chicken out. I want to get my name changed officially before I’m on hormones for too long. That way, all my documents match how I look, you know?”
“I know. Have you looked into the paperwork already?” I slip into the queer mentor role so naturally, but it’s different with him. With Ray, I’m emotionally invested in his life. Way more than I usually allow myself to connect with the baby queers I’ve helped in the past. I’ve held a piece of my heart back from getting entangled since Nell. And that’s always been a good bet. It feels beyond reckless to bend my rules for Ray.
“A little. Might not get it done this visit, but I want them to know the real me. Not the version of me that tries so hard to match who I think they want me to be, you know?”
“Sounds like it’s been hard to keep it to yourself.” I squeeze his thigh.
Ray drops a hand on top of mine, his thumb rubbing over my knuckles. “Yeah. It was hard to talk about it too, though. Until you made it easy.”
If I wasn’t weaving through traffic, I’d definitely kiss him for saying that. As it stands, I flip my hand to twine our fingers and give him a squeeze. “I didn’t do anything, sunshine. You just needed a little boost of confidence that comes from talking to an accepting stranger. The stakes were lower with me.”
“Yeah, well, you aren’t low-stakes anymore. And I’ve been kind of thinking…” Ray plays with the rainbow enamel band on my finger. Spinning it around.
“What?”
“How did you figure out that they pronouns were the right fit for you?”
I shrug. I’ve sort of been expecting a conversation like this with him. “Trial and error. My bestie at the time had the patience of a saint with me early in my transition process. She never complained once when I was switching every other day for a month and going through every neopronoun. Not to mention all the permutations of combining different pronouns and names until I figured out that they fits me best. I settled on the one that makes me grin when other people use it. My mom, step-dad, and sibs helped pick out my name, and that fits too. I like that it’s still from my family and it just works for me.”
“Yeah. The family thing is why I chose Ray. My folks had it picked out for me before they found out my gender.” Ray swallows hard, licks his lips and rushes out with. “Maybe I could try a mix of he and them?”
I glance over at him, flashing them with my best reassuring smile. “Absolutely, sunshine. Want to hear how it sounds?”
“Uh, kay?” Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as he shoves his hands under his thighs and bites his lip.
“This is my handsome boyfriend, Ray. They are studying to be a play therapist so they can help kids. He’s from Montreal and has the sexiest accent ever. I can’t wait until I have them alone where I can go down on his hot ass before they plow me like a field.” I wink at Ray. “Like that? What do you think, babe?”
He shoves my shoulder and snorts a laugh. “I think you’re horny. But I can’t wait until tonight either. I get to fuck you in my home country.”
“Mhm. And we’ll have to be quiet so your folks don’t hear us. Bet you’d like my hand covering your mouth while you moan for me.”
He squirms in his seat. “You’re a tease.”
“Nah, just super into you, sunshine.” I make quick eye contact and they look just as lusty as I feel. Ugh. Too bad we have almost five hours of driving ahead of us where I need to keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road. Both would be much more fun to put on him—I should probably turn down the flirting a notch. “Anyway, how does using they feel?”
Ray shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s quite right for me? It’s like when Jacob calls me man . Not wrong, but not quite right? And not nearly as wrong as girl or woman. But still, it’s only mostly correct? Dude is a big yes. Guy, yes. But man is, like, too far?” His nose wrinkles adorably. “I’m probably overthinking it. Maybe it will fit better when I’ve had top surgery and been on hormones longer and I sound like a dude when I talk?”
I pat his knee. “Maybe. Or maybe you’re nonbinary. Both are good.”
“I’m definitely trans masculine. I read that book from the queer book club Pixel bullied me into joining and um, the character used the term demi-boy. And that’s…yeah. It felt so right, like one of those PowerPoint slides slotting into the perfect alignment?” He makes a face. “Damn, that was a terrible analogy. This is why I am not an English major. But you get the point?”
“Yeah. It resonated with you. That’s not nothing. Are you telling your folks that part?”
Ray chews on his lip and then shrugs. “Maybe? I might just start with telling them I’m not a girl and see how things go? I guess that helped make it tolerable to be misgendered for so long. Like, the only alternative I had the words for wasn’t quite right either? I dunno. It’s not a huge deal. I’m just happy to have people who understand to discuss this with now. So thanks. You’re the best possible person who could have happened to me in Boston, and I’m really fucking glad I took a leap and met you.”
“I’m glad you met me too,” I tease. Then I lean across the console to brush a kiss to the side of his face because we’re stopped at a red light and I can take advantage of the moment.
“Agh, you got my eye! Fais attention!” Ray shoves me away, laughing. “Eyes on the road, Jords.”
“True. I’ve got precious cargo.” I glance back and see the traffic light has changed as the driver behind me lays on their horn.
“You’re a giant sap,” Ray accuses me.
“You like it.” I tease, poking at his ribs when we’re stopped at the next light. He squirms away, laughing, and grins at me. I smile back when he ruffles my hair.
I want to rub his thigh again, but he beats me to it, putting his hand just above my knee. Traffic is crawling with holiday travelers. So it’s not like there’s a ton to distract me. At least not until we’re free from all the congestion once we get on the highway and leave the city limits.
“Nah, not like. I think I might love you.” Ray leans his head on my shoulder, and I don’t get a good enough look at his face to be sure, but I think the admission embarrasses him.
“Oh? Might is it?” I tease him, fishing for him to say it again with more confidence. Partly to see if he will and partly with the same sort of morbid curiosity of probing at a cold sore with my tongue to see if it still hurts. Oddly, it doesn’t.
Somehow, Ray saying he loves me doesn’t scare me as much as I thought it would. Maybe precisely because he knows me well enough to soften the impact with that might shoved in front of it like a shield. I can tease him about it, because I’ve felt the truth of his declaration for a while now.
My ever present doubt that letting myself love him will end in heartbreak fades to the background, a vague future worry. I’m too pragmatic to trust that love will be enough to build a future together if our paths diverge too much after I graduate. But for now, it’s enough to allay my fears that he’ll prove as fickle as the exes who hurt me.
Ray buries his face against my shoulder with a groan. “Okay, you got me. There’s no might about it. I love you, Jordie.”
There is it with no frills or loopholes, music to my ears. Ray loves me. Buoyant hope courses through me like a shot of adrenaline at the sound of those three little words. I want to shout it out from the rooftops, dance in my seat, pull him into a kiss and never let him go. But I’m driving, so saying it back to get a rise out of him will have to suffice.
“Well, then I might love you too.” I drop a tender kiss on his temple without taking my eyes off the bumper of the car idling along in front of us. It sounds even better without the safety rails of think and might, but I can’t resist making him sweat a little. Ray loves me, and I might just be able to take him at his word.
“Hey!” Ray splutters, shoving away from me. “Might?”
I laugh as I stick my tongue out at him. “I love you too, sunshine.”
“Guess you must, since you’re voluntarily driving me home to meet my entire nosy family.” Ray grins and rests his face back on my shoulder and his palm on my thigh.
“Damn right.” It feels good to tell him, and to feel secure that it’s true for both of us. I wasn’t sure I could feel this secure with a partner again, but Ray makes me believe anything is possible.
Traffic inches along toward the highway on-ramp. I press my cheek against his short hair and revel in the easy affection between us. The sweet moment only lasts a few heartbeats before the song on my road trip mix changes and Ray sits up, laughing incredulously.
I crank the volume as the opening bars to “Sunshine” play over the speakers and One Republic serenades us with a catchy pop beat. Ray cracks up laughing, his grin brighter than the sun.
“Seriously?” He chortles, his face lit up with little boy glee. I love making him smile like that, all unselfconscious, his expression hiding nothing.
“Oh yeah! I put this one on here just for you.” And yeah, I can happily spend a lifetime falling deeper in love with this boy beside me. Ray offers me his most vulnerable parts with all the trust in the world. As if no one’s ever hurt him. Sunshine is such an apt nickname for him. He’s just so damn bright and full of life.
We haven’t even left the city and I already feel closer to him. Like he’s letting me into his innermost heart. When he smiles at me with his whole heart in his eyes, it banishes my insecurities about why he’s with me to the murkiest recesses of my heart. It’s probably fucked up that I can trust him so completely with my body as to have unprotected sex, and still brace for a rejection even as we exchange our first love declarations. But I know I’ve got scars around that.
I loved Nell too and look how that turned out. I grip the steering wheel so hard it creaks. Thoughts of my ex sour my mood until Ray shines his light on me again. He dances along to the songs I picked for him with abandon, just like I knew he would. I can’t wait to take him dancing again. He’s worth taking a risk on love again.
“You’re a giant dork with all these sunshine songs, but I kind of love it. Also, this party needs snacks.” Ray beams at me. Then he turns in his seat to rummage through the groceries I packed, turning back toward me with a bag of my favorite road trip tradition. “Want some bugles? Is there a cooler with cream cheese for them?”
“Behind my seat, I got Laughing Cow instead, because it’s a shelf stable snack cheese. Thanks, babe.”
“Sure. I’ll feed them to you like your very own tiny ice cream minion,” he teases.
“Sexy.”
Ray snorts as he digs out the ingredients and starts scooping the corn chips into a wedge of soft, cheesy goodness. I savor the way his fingers feel against my lips as he feeds me the first tangy, crunchy bite. It’s nice to have someone who thinks about me as much as I think about him. And yeah, he asked me to help him experiment with his pronouns. But he listens to me and remembers my dumb story about making mini-ice cream cones in the car with my siblings when my family road-tripped to see our grandparents. Ray cares about me as a person, not just his queer mentor.
As he bops in his seat to the music while feeding me more snack, I can already tell this is going to be the best road trip ever.