23. Chapter 23
Chapter twenty-three
Jordie
“ H ey,” Celeste pokes her head in my door at the same time she’s knocking on the frame. “Got a minute?” The concern on her face catches my attention.
“Yeah?” I shove my headphones off my ears and turn my desk chair to face her.
It’s not like I can focus on the textbook in front of me anyway. I need to study for finals coming up in two weeks. It’s hard to keep my mind where it belongs when studying French conjugations only makes me think of Ray and our perfect weekend away. And the way reality crashed back onto my shoulders as we drove back into Boston and reached campus.
When Ray told his family, he blazed right past the last barrier, keeping him from fully embracing his identity. So what more does he need me for? The more I listened to him spinning out his vision of the future, the more it felt like he didn’t. He talked about seeing his family again for the winter break and not having to hide any part of himself.
All the way home, Ray was brimming over with plans for the future and I just—I couldn’t see room for myself in them. He’s in the country on a student visa, so when he finishes his degree, where would that leave us? Nowhere. Not an us. Not that he explicitly left me out of his dreaming out loud, just, it felt too much like he’d already outgrown his need for me. Like our road trip was the last hurrah. The last thing he needed me to shepherd him through to get his legs under him as a fully out and proud trans person.
And then Mom sent me a picture of the giant envelope from my top choice law school that was waiting for me on the kitchen counter at home. She asked if I wanted her to open it for me, but I already know the answer waiting inside the full page-sized envelope. I got accepted. My future is waiting for me here in Boston. So where does that leave me and Ray when he goes back to his family in Canada? He has no reason to stay in Boston now that they know about him, right? He told me that’s why he chose Northeastern. So he can be himself. That reason is obsolete. I’m obsolete.
So I tried to force a smile as he talked about getting his name and gender marker changed on his ID documents. He shared the intricacies of how that might impact his student visa paperwork. I bit my tongue on the bitter suggestion that if he goes home to finish his degree, that won’t matter. Instead of venting my fears at him, I tried to smile sympathetically as he dreamed aloud. My heart breaking more with every mile as he extolled how much of a relief it will be to have his actual name on his diploma when he graduates. Even though his every hopeful musing was like another boulder piled on my chest, making it impossible to catch my breath.
Every word about being out to the world now felt like him telling me he truly doesn’t need me anymore. I dropped him off at his dorm with a plastered on smile. When he invited me to spend the night with him, I wriggled out of it by telling him I was planning to spend the night at my folks’ place. I had to drop off the car I’d borrowed from Dad.
It wasn’t entirely an excuse. Dad usually uses the car for his morning commute. And I caught a ride back to campus with him this morning. But it was still an excuse to avoid emotions I’m not ready to face. I could have come back to campus last night to see Ray again. Or I could have stayed when Ray invited me and swung by Dad’s office to give back his keys today. It wouldn’t have been the first time he took public transit to work.
“What’s up with you?” Celeste asks.
“Huh? What do you mean?” I ask, totally disingenuous.
Celeste shrugs, sidling closer to me.
“Well, Pixel and I noticed you didn’t come home last night. We figured you two were still all loved up and schmoopy. Until Ray was moping into his tacos at dinner about how you ditched him in front of his dorm last night. He says you haven’t responded to any of his texts all day.” Celeste arches an expressive brow at me, daring me to come up with an excuse or try to slip a lie past her finely honed bullshit detection. “So, what’s up? You’ve been moping in here all afternoon, and Pix says you skipped your psych lecture. Did something happen on your trip? You never skip class.”
“No. It went really well. Amazing even. He said he loves me and he came out to his family and they were great about it and so welcoming to me and…” I trail off, shaking my head.
“And?” Celeste crosses her arms and stalks closer, challenging me to excuse my weird behavior.
“And he doesn’t need me anymore.” It sounds ridiculous even as I say it, but that’s the vulnerable, aching, wounded heart I’ve been nursing all day. I stand from my desk, shrugging it off like it’s nothing to expose my fears to Celeste. I bend to fuss with my school supplies, lining them up on my desk before whirling to cross the narrow distance to my bed. I spin dramatically again to face my bestie.
“So?” Celeste taps her foot impatiently, waiting for me to get to the actual point.
“ So why would he stick around?” I snap, and then slump onto the edge of my mattress, feeling shitty for getting angry with Celeste over this.
“Are you kidding me?” Celeste flounces dramatically onto my bed next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders to shake sense into me. “That boy looks at you like you hung the stars. He likes you . Not what you can do for him. I had my doubts about you dating a first year, but he’s been good for you, Jords.”
“Technically, he’s a sophomore transfer student.” I stick my tongue out at her. Getting pedantic always makes her tease me about what an excellent lawyer I’m going to be some day. I need to break the tension. I’ve been marinating in my angst all day and it’s exhausting.
Celeste clucks loudly, not taking the bait or letting me get away with distracting her. “That is so not the point, and you know it.”
“I know. Just. Ugh.” I tug at my hair, wishing that the sting brought me clarity instead of reminding me of Ray and making me ache over how much I care about him. “You really think so?”
“Mmm, do I think the guy who makes you smile more than I’ve seen from you since you started busting your ass studying for LSATs is good for you?” Celeste arches an expressive eyebrow at me. “You deserve to be happy, Jordie. So if Ray makes you happy, don’t decide for him that he was only using you.”
“What if he was?” I gnaw on my lip.
It’s not like it would be the first time a newly out friend thought I was good enough to experiment with, but not enough to settle for. A test to be sure they were really queer, but too queer to stay with once they got their answers about who they were. I don’t want to think Ray would throw me out like the trash he’s done with. But I didn’t want to think that about any of my other lovers, either. I breezed right past all the little warning signs with Nell for years.
Celeste shrugs. “Then dump his ass. But there’s only one way to be sure. Go talk to him.”
“Ugh, I guess.” I heave a sigh. “I suppose you’re right.”
“Come on, Jords, you know I’m always right.” She shoves playfully at my shoulder, then pats my back before she rises to grab my phone off the charger on my desk and shove it into my hands. “Text him back; you’ve made the poor boy squirm enough, leaving him on read.”
“True. Thanks, Cel. I guess there’s no time like the present.” I grimace comically at her, not looking forward to the conversation I know I need to have with Ray.
“Exactly. Talk to him, tell him why you’re wary. See what he says. You’ve got this.” Celeste shoots me a thumbs up from the doorway, then pauses at the threshold until I obediently tap out a message and show her I’ve hit send.
Jordie: Hey, sorry I’ve been MIA all day. Kind of having a freak out. Can we meet to talk at Randy’s?
The message flies into the ether. I stare at my screen, willing Ray to get it and reply right this second. As if he’s been staring at his phone all day waiting for me to reply. I mentally roll my eyes at how unreasonable I’m being.
Is this how he’s felt since last night? I texted to let him know I made it to my folk’s place. He sent back a sweet goodnight, and I replied with a silly GIF. Since then, I’ve just been reading the message notification previews on all his texts to avoid technically leaving him on read. That feels like a shitty cop out now that the shoe is on the other foot.
Damn, I hope he hasn’t spent his day this twisted up about the lack of reply. Guilt gnaws at me, and I can’t just sit there. The little read notification updates to just past my last message. I hold my breath, waiting.
The animated ‘the other person is typing’ dots start and hope flares in my heart. It’s not like we haven’t gone more than a day without texting before. It’s just that no matter how much I justified my cold feet to myself, I know the timing looks awful. We just got back from meeting his parents, our first big trip. We should be flying high on all the big emotions of declaring our love and sharing a sexual first. Instead, I disappeared from our usual running conversation and skipped our class and dinner. It looks as terrible as it feels.
I pace my room as he types. It seems like the dots indicating that he’s typing are bouncing for an eternity before his reply comes through.
Ray: Did I do something?
Jordie: No. Not at all.
Ray: Cause we need to talk usually isn’t a good thing? So, um, want to rip the bandaid off now if you’re breaking up with me?
I swallow hard. This is going to be hard to discuss, but we need to get everything in the open. Time to be brave enough to stop burying the insecurities I’ve been hiding behind like a barricade.
Jordie: Sorry. I didn’t word that well. You did nothing wrong, and this weekend was amazing. Too amazing, if that makes sense? I’ve got some baggage that I should discuss with you, nothing terrible or anything, just, easier to talk about in person, if you’re up for it?
Ray: Am I up for late night poutine and pie? You know that’s a silly question, babe :P
Jordie: I’m sorry I ignored you today.
Ray: Ah, so that was on purpose? It’s okay. I figured you were either busy or you’d talk to me when you were ready. Maybe next time don’t freeze me out though?
I wince.
Jordie: Yeah. Next time I’ll talk to you sooner. Want to head to the diner?
Ray: Sure, heading out now.
Jordie: Me too.
I grab my wallet and keys. Celeste and Pixel are cuddling on the couch watching a movie as I slip past them.
“You getting your man back?” Celeste asks.
“Nope, getting my demi-boy,” I correct her with a wink that’s mostly bravado. “Wish me luck?”
“Oh, is that new?” Celeste tosses her long silky hair over her shoulder, all casual grace. She shrugs insouciantly. “Either way, get your love muffin. You don’t need it, but good luck.”
“Luck,” Pixel echoes. “Open up your…” they pause suggestively and wink “… heart to him.”
“Thanks.” I wave as I let myself out and lock up behind me. At least whatever happens with Ray, the two of them will still be here for me.
***
There aren’t too many people braving the blustery autumnal late evening streets now that rush hour is over. When I left my parents’ place with Dad to head to campus this morning, the grass was coated in a layer of frost. A light smattering of freezing rain ran in melting rivulets down the windshield, not quite cold enough to turn into a dusting of snow.
I catch sight of Ray on the sidewalk ahead of me, a few blocks away from Randy’s. Winter is on the way, and he looks adorable in the beanie he wore religiously before his haircut. He’s chatting animatedly with Claude just in front of the diner. The two of them bonded over their mutual Francophone roots the first time Ray gravitated toward a familiar accent here at Randy’s. It’s reassuring to see Ray fostering more connections in the city. As if he intends to stay.
My heart clenches at overhearing him chatting away in French, gobbling up the little taste of the home he misses. Connecting with Claude points to putting down more roots in Boston. But Ray missing his language inflames all my doubts that he has any reasons left to stay here now that he knows he can be himself in Montreal with his family. Seeing him happy makes me smile even as my gut churns with the anticipation of a breakup I don’t want.
I try to focus on the moment instead of letting my assumptions drag me into an anxiety spiral without even talking to my boyfriend first. His hat is cute with the shaggy tips of his hair poking out on his forehead. The colorful wool makes me smile. I love that it’s a way of expressing himself now, instead of a crutch to hide a part of himself that made him uncomfortable.
“Ray!” I call his name and he whirls to face me. His confusion transforms into a beaming grin that melts my heart and shrinks all the worries I’ve been nurturing nonstop since last night.
“Hi! Just a second.” Ray waves to me before he turns to face Claude and wraps up their conversation, urging them to go talk to their crush. “Va parler à Arlene. à bient?t.”
“Ouai, je vais le faire. à plus tard. See you later, Jordie.” Claude waes to us both before making a beeline to where Arlene is sitting near the dessert counter inside.
I’m tempted to follow them inside. Anything to delay this chat a little longer. And get out of the cold, but I’m afraid if I don’t start this conversation, I’ll just keep putting it off until it festers. Ray gives me a searching look. I need to tear off the bandage right now.
“So, you wanted to talk?” he asks.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I blurt as our eyes meet. I close the distance between us to hug him tight. Right there in front of the diner in the pale reflected glow of the pink and blue neon lights from within.
“Huh? Leave where?” Ray sounds completely at a loss to understand what I mean, pulling back enough to search my face for answers. I forge ahead.
“Boston.” I swallow down my doubts and the fear that I’m not enough to keep him here. “I know you’ve been missing home, and you came here to create distance to explore who you are. And you don’t need to hide anymore, so there’s nothing tying you here. I know it’s selfish to even ask when we’ve only been dating for a hot minute, but I want you to stay.”
My words dry up, catching in my throat. I can’t work up the nerve to put my deepest self-doubts into words. So I just meet his concerned gaze and hope that he can read how much this matters on my face. How much he matters to me. Enough to let him go.
Ray blinks at me, his brow furrowing. “You think I’m just going to, what? Drop you now that I’m out to my parents and siblings? Transfer schools and break up with you? Without even discussing it at all?”
He doesn’t sound angry, precisely, but he gets louder and more incredulous as he talks.
I shrug, uncomfortable with how hurt he sounds. “This thing between us is new, I realize that. I’d understand if you got what you needed from it and need to move on.”
I’d understand alright. And do everything in my power to hide my devastation. Maybe this broken heart will even be enough to get the lesson through my thick skull for good. No dating baby queers. No more being the stepping stone who they trample into the mud on their way to who they want to be.
Ray’s face falls, his mouth hanging open for a long, shocked moment. Then he takes my face gently in his hands.
“Jords, I’m not going anywhere. I miss home, but I love Boston and university and our friends. I have every intention of graduating here in three years. And I hope that we’ll still be together when it’s time for me to figure out where to apply for grad school. Didn’t you believe me when I said I love you?”
“Yeah. Sure. I just. I got into law school, here in the city and I could apply to school in Canada, but I’m not sure about the legal side of moving there and—”
Ray cuts me off with a kiss. “I love you.”
I’m so tempted to believe he means it. My lips part. Letting him in physically is so much easier than trusting the whole of my heart to his care. Ray cups my face between his hands and gazes into my eyes, like he can see right into my soul and read all my doubts.
“Je t’aime.”
And that, in the language he’s told me he uses for lovers, makes it even more real. He’s offering me his heart, telling me with his entire self. I’m not part of some youthful semester abroad in the US to him, the way I’ve let my fears convince me I must be.
“Je t’aime,” Ray repeats, apparently seeing the hope kindle in my eyes. He lets go of my face and rubs my upper arms reassuringly. “I want to be with you. You aren’t just some convenient lay to me, Jords. You’re the person I want to build my future with. I thought I made that clear yesterday in the car, but let me spell it out for you. You are who I want beside me when I graduate, and go to grad school, and start my own therapy practice. I want to cheer for you in the spring when you walk across the stage in your cap and gown. I want to hold your hand when you’re nervous for your first day of law school. Be there by your side when you’re studying for your bar exam. Where we do all of that doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as getting to do it with you by my side. Unless you don’t want that too?”
“No. I do. It’s just that every time I’ve let myself think I might’ve found the one, it’s turned out to be a lie. I—It’s not that I don’t believe you, or trust you, or want you. It’s that I don’t trust my own judgment when it comes to love, I guess. I fall too hard and too fast. And every one of my exes has basically turned out to be using me to explore their sexuality and I—” I shake my head, not wanting to accuse him of being like them in so many words because I can see he isn’t.
Ray hasn’t given me a reason to worry like this. I just can’t block out all the past hurts to trust him fully. Not until I get this off my chest. I can’t continue not knowing, second-guessing every milestone from meeting each other’s parents to exchanging I love you ‘s.
“Shh, it’s fine.” Ray brushes my curls out of my face and rises on his tiptoes to plant a kiss on my forehead. “You have never been an experiment to me, Jords.” He caresses my cheek, then kisses me tenderly on the lips.
“You sure?” I can’t help asking, voice breathy with the effort of holding back tears. This is too much. This is letting him see past all my defenses, and it’s terrifying.
“Beyond sure.” Ray gazes into my eyes, like he can plant the truth of his love into the depths of my psyche. My breath catches in my chest at the intensity of his next words. “I love you and je t’aime. For all of you. For as long as you’ll have me. And I’ll tell you every day for as long as you take to really believe it and then every day after that. Okay?”
“Okay.” I take a shaky breath and nod, then repeat it more firmly, with all my trust. “Okay. Yes. I love you too, sunshine. Sorry I didn’t respond to your messages today. I am so glad things went so well with your family, but seeing you happy and out with them scared me a little that you wouldn’t need me anymore.”
“I gathered that. I don’t have to need you to want you, though. You don’t have to earn anything from me; you’re enough all on your own. Now, come inside. It’s cold. Let’s grab a shake and some fries and you can tell me more about your exes and this baggage with them. Sounds like there’s a lot to unpack, and I don’t want to inadvertently give you reasons to doubt my intentions again.”
Ray wraps one arm around my waist and guides me toward the bright neon lights of the diner, shining like a beacon in the dark, cold night. I rest my head on his shoulder. The angle is a little awkward with our height difference, but it’s worth the crick in my neck to feel diminutive and protected at his side.
Knowing for certain that all Ray’s grand plans from the road yesterday include me by his side settles something in my chest. This chat goes a long way to putting my insecurities to rest. It’s still early days, but knowing that he’s all in on giving our love a chance makes me believe that I really can build a future with him, and damn, does that sound amazing. He makes me believe our love can find a way. True to his nickname, Ray makes every day brighter just by being here.
Stepping inside Randy’s with my sweet ray of sunshine feels like coming home.
***